Eliminated...-tit-tit-tit

There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.

Re: Yesterday - Sorry again. I did something really stupid that prevented me from having this recap prepared on time: I closed out my DVD playing program without saving my screen shots. This meant that I had to go through the episode and take them all over again. Stupid, terrible and time-consuming. And I know, I know, "Don't apologize rahrahrahrah," but really, that sucked and I hate to be late when people are expecting something, you know? Especially because two weeks ago, I ended up posting the recap late. Whatever -- just know that I'm not jerking you around and that when I can't get a recap up on time, I cry. Why must I cry?

Tell me why.

80. Brittany

Brittany responds to Jael's rather outlandish post-elimination letter stating that she would have "sacrificed herself" if Brittany were eliminated instead of her. See, now I'm all disappointed that we didn't get to see Jael impale herself on a hula hoop. Also, it could just be the angle of her head and expression of exhilarated wonder, but doesn't Brit-tit-tit-tit look like Falcor in this shot? From sea lion to winged dog, Brit's turning up the heat this time around!

81. Brittany

Jesus Christ, what to say, what to say? Even if Brittany's bumbling antics didn't put a cramp in her go-seeing, I believe she still would have cried. Probably because the words "good job" are too harsh-sounding for her sensitive ears. She's like Sam I Am. She would cry with a fox, she would cry in a box. She would cry in the rain, she would cry with Elaine.

82. Brittany

OK, lemme guess: Brit-tit-tit-tit's tit got run over by a mammography machine and now it can't remember how to be perky.

83. Brittany

And the crying over the botched go-see challenge continues. This time in front of a door. I'm so glad I get to capture this excitement.

84. Brittany

Someone wrote me last week after Brittany was eliminated, saying, "Your crying count is going to plummet!" And so it will. I'm glad she's getting it all out, though. This is probably as cathartic for her as it is for me.

85. Dionne

Here, Dionne looks like a Precious Moments figure. And really, any moment in which someone other than Brittany cries is a precious one.

86. Brittany

Did you really think she was going to leave without one last cry? I'm surprised Brian McKnight himself didn't escort her out of the lavish Australian model cage.

If you need to use the bathroom, do so now -- we have many Tyraisms to go through. On second thought, you may want to wait as some of these may provide masturbation fodder. Just saying.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"All right, now I don't want to see you lookin' like Playboy with me. It's gotta be soft and beautiful and fashion. And with our male photographer, you can do all that..."

First of all: ooh! Can they? Second of all: by the time she gets to "that," she sounds winded. Perhaps this a dance is sort of a sequel to the Lazy Hippo: the Humpy, Humpy Hippo. Third of all: masturbation fodder.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 

"Nice. Love the pride. Gorgeous!"

Eh. It'd be more gorgeous on a float.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."

What kind of fucked up urethra do you have to have to get your legs but not crotch wet after peeing yourself? JOKE DOES NOT WORK. That said, I hope this becomes a fixture like "fierce" or "so who goes home." This show needs more watersports!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Don't let a boy outshine you, because boys usually are the accessory in a shot."

This may very well be true, but it kind of sounds as stupid as a Pussycat Doll singing "I Don't Need a Man." I'm just wondering who's empowered at the end of the day. Fucking girl power.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"See that eye contact, Jaslene?

That is the eye contact that men love."

See this eye contact, everyone?

That is the eye contact that men fear.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"You did the booty tooch. The booty is the new sex accessory, and you were tooching that back and that booty to make men look back there. Even though there's not a lot there, you're still tooching it."

First of all, if the booty is the new sex accessory, what's the old one? The inside of elbows? Leather wallets? Hot dog buns? Second of all, I pretty much can figure out what "tooch" means given the context, but I looked it up on Urban Dictionary to be sure and the results are confusing. Here are the Top 3 [all sic, of course]:

1. a person who is most likely a hypocrit, an ass hole, and probably will end up bitter and with no friends later in life. Also tooches tend to point out really petty flaws in people.

2. fat motherfucker

3. pug-nosed mortgage fuck.

So, if describing Renee, we have a yes (No. 1), a no (No. 2) and a maybe (No. 3). Anyone have any idea what a "mortgage fuck" is? Sounds painful.

And speaking of pain...

1.

Turn around, trite eyes.

I love how Brittany, in one swoop, fulfilled just about every model cliche that we've come to know and love via this show. The crying, the tyranny, the lies...

...the mobile incompetence...

I mean, seriously, this shit reads like a joke: 

Q: How did the model get to the third floor.
A: She was already on it.

How often do you think shit like the elevator incident happens? I bet often. Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!

You know, I thought before that Brittany was maybe just an awkward girl who was a bit of a pain in the ass, but mostly kind-hearted. Blaming her cab driver for her miscommunication was a bunch of shit, though (did you notice how she wisely revised her story for panel?). But then, even worse, she tried lying to us -- in her exit interview she said, "I've never been, like, the emotional person. And I don't know what made it come out here. But it shocked me and then I didn't know how to handle it." Yeah. I'm sure her catchphrase as a child wasn't, "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" And, like Dionne pointed out, the whole short-term memory loss thing wasn't a problem at all in the original acting challenge with Pedro. Or something.

And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony when Natasha's commentary on your behavior comes off as lucid:

"I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries." Thanks for the civics lesson, Natasha. I never would have realized that without you. Kinda puts the whole show into perspective.

2. Continuing this thread, was this episode particularly a hotbed for stupidity or was it just me? Let's examine some quotes:

"My strategy is to be calm, cool and collective." Collective, as in, Jaslene and her nipples were working together to collectively win over the designers?

Here's another:

Dionne, in response to Tyramail: "It may have something to do, with like, aliens or something, because it says future."

Actually, it may have something to do with aliens because it mentions other planets. Aliens have always been around! They transcend time, damn it!

"Tyra's great as a photographer. She give you so many compliments that you feel yourself like a top model." I think my favorite favorite favorite Natashaism is "feel yourself/myself..." instead of just "feel." It brings a masturbatory sexiness that otherwise wouldn't be there. I love reading that shit literally, too. Like, how exactly does one feel oneself like a top model? With the shame of an awkward 11-year-old? In the manner that will burn the most calories? Not for less than $10,000 a day?

And another:

Renee: "I like doing sexy, because that's one thing I know I'm good at." I like to read this as if Renee were possessed by Natasha. "Doing sexy," ha. And you know, Renee is good at that: she does have a kid, after all. Much success in doing sexy, yeah!

And another:

Jay: "And remember, Tyra is an experienced photographer who shot the girls on America's Next Top Model in the past."

Snort.

And finally:

"We're bringin' sexy back."

Put it down, Jaslene. Put down the sexy and walk away from it slowly.

3. And speaking of Jaslene...

I really was happy for her that she won the go-see challenge. I mean, I didn't start screaming incoherently like she did, but you know, I was happy all the same. The prize, while cheap, was good, right?

Plus, before the pictures were shot, we got to see Nigel looking...aroused.

Hey, Nidge, is that a bionic boner, or are you just really happy to see the girls?

But Jaslene: what a weirdo.

When she was spying on...whomever, it was fucking creepy. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge-original-VHS-box-creepy:

For reals:

I'm scared that I'm going to fall asleep in the tub and Jaslene's going to come in and cut off my pubic hair. I don't wanna be bald down there!

I just love that shot, how she's this disembodied head floating. Like a balloon...

...or a Mr(s). Potato Head...

And I love how, in the beginning of the episode, when Natasha was freaking out about being in the Top 5, Jaslene became all stern, like she's refined or some shit.

Taskmistress!

Seriously, Jaslene, who died and made you Mrs. Clause and/or Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point?

Oh, but staying true to the Mr(s). Potato Head thing, this might be more accurate:

4. What's Dionne's problem?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Huh? Wha?

OK, Tyra, tell me and show me.

I'm still not getting it. One more time, please.

Oh. She looks mean! I never would have gotten that, except, oh wait, I said that exactly when I did my superficial first-look-judging of this cycle's contestants! Did it really take them nine episodes to figure this out? Am I really just that good?

But whatever, Dionne's still my favorite. I thought her freeloading was nothing short of inspiring.

And I still think she's the prettiest. I guess I just like mean girls. And, maybe, ones with wonky eyes?

Dionne however, is not pretty enough to make this week's Pretty Party, which is the Blurred-Mouth-Brit-Tit-Tit-Tit Edition.

Way to let those F-bombs fly, Brit!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. How better to emphasize your pressssssssssssshusssssssssss kid then by getting into a Gollum stance when licking the back of snapshots of him to put into your portfolio?

That is so gross and cheap.

Also, I like how post-photo shoot, Renee kind of looked like Rob Zombie.

Again: that is so gross and cheap.

6.

I wanted to say
something
about this portly,
Rosie
-esque lady
But she actually seems
quite pleasant.
Crikey.

(Besides, her
reaction to Brit-tit-tit's freakout
was golden as Tyra's
shower.)

7.

Check out the crotch on that!

8. OMG, I cannot believe that Twiggy said, "The camera loves you," again this episode! That's it...

FIRE HER!

9. Finally, I was totally shocked that more wasn't made of the fact that Tyra's photos this week were of her in the "Kiss my fat ass" bathing suit.

Except, look a little closer, and there was a somewhat hidden message:

How Perez-esque! Way to reclaim your cellulite, Ty!

The other shot was even more ridiculous...

...for a close-up reveals...

Nice.

Dionne, we haven't heard from you all recap. What do you think of all this?

"You are lying!"

Ouch. She really is mean.

Comments

[MichaelTLH]

MY DAY IS COMPLETE!

Awesome as usual, Rich.

[KiKi]

Another wonderful recap. I almost went through withdrawal. As much as I can't understand her, Jaslene has this in the bag. I think it's too late for Dionne to come back from all the "you look mad" comments.

[Courtie]

The reference to Schoolteacher literally made me choke on my drink.

[i love winston]

Yay! Excellent as usual.

(I have nothing original to say. Loved it.)

[trick please]

lurve me some Dionne

[Susannah]

I loved Dionne's "You are lying!" Love her.

Is it just me, or does Dionne looks ridiculously like Aisha Tyler in her women's magazine shot?

And as a follow-up to what I just posted:

Is it just me, or does my grammar sucks?

[J]

I love it and I love you. The Jaslene floating head series was phenomenal. As was blurred-mouth Britney. And I so appreciate your cat macro-influence these days.

[rose]

Loved the Hookers at the Point/School Teacher reference. Here's Jaslene on the stroll....

[AntBee]

Yeah, the Dionne elimination is coming soon, with the "you always look mad in your photos" bullshit. I hate it when they start the set-up for a model's elimination when they have no justification for it than what they can make up out of thin air.
Thanks for the recap Rich! BTW, can you give us some clue as to what you would look like bald "down there?" I think you need a few opinions.

[justsomeguy]

Rich asks: "Am I really just that good?"

Natasha answers: "You feel yourself 'Yes'."

[Rich]

Something like this

[Dara]

OMG....I am 7 weeks preggo, and nauseous as hell! Your recap is my soothing relief from hormonal reflux....I forgive you for being late, but please, for the sake of my esophagus, don't be late again!!!!

Oh, I love Natasha....I hope she wins. She makes me feel myself. I mean, I feel her. No, no, wait...yeah, I wanna feel her....it's the hormones.

[Jessica]

Dionne's commentary runs through my head daily, in reaction to anything that happens in my life. Today: Damn, I really am going to get something done. Dionne: You are lying! Me: You're right Dionne, I'm going back to bed.

Thanks for the loveliness, Rich. You're fantastic!

[mer]

Natasha has a good point...some countries have war. Those same countries also have their own version of Top Model.

I was loving Renee's bathing suit. HOT!

[SarahD]

Sadly I'm beginning to think that the number of hilarious Dionne quotes is inversely proportional to the semi-intelligent (kind of) Natasha quotes. Couldn't she have given us just one, "What the hell?!"

*sadness*

[care]

Now when I watch ANTM, every time something funny happens I laugh once at the actual thing... e.g. The Worst Walk In the History of The World (Thank you Brit, for your contribution)... and then again at the mere thought of the fun you will be having with it. Take as long as you need, you can't rush GENIUS.
Also: Blurmouth Brittany really reminds me of your banner. yeesh.

[tia]

why don't they teach these girls to walk anymore? brit looked like a fresh-out-the-womb foal trying to walk. i think there's really something wrong with her. like a chemical imbalance or something.

[ekar]

great post but I thought you'd mention the male model w/ the boner when one of the girls had to get into the water. It was priceless because it was practically in profile!

[mer]

Also, the faux Rosie poetry was hilarious.

[JadeFan]

Clearly this is why Jaslene said Collective

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v56/latin_lunatic/jasleneborgcopy.png

[anne]

holy crap, I just laughed harder at this one than at any other recap. Literally had tears. Mr. Potato Head - on. the. floor. dying.

I heart you.

[Julia]

This was the funniest recap ever. Loved Jaslene's Hookers From the Point glasses,but mostly her Mr. Potato Head.
Natasha still rules our world. When she said the war comment, I almost made a pee pee mommy.
I also said that Twiggy needs to go this time, and I meant it.
Thank you!!
Julie

[Kristina]

Yeah, the Rob Zombie thing made me choke :).

Also, Dionne looks like Wesley Snipes in Blade in the bridge pictures.

And speaking of Dionne, she herself talked about the "mean" thing in the pre-show interviews. She was all, "People think I'm stuck-up, but I'm not." So way to go, Tyra.