Eliminated...-tit-tit-tit

There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.

Re: Yesterday - Sorry again. I did something really stupid that prevented me from having this recap prepared on time: I closed out my DVD playing program without saving my screen shots. This meant that I had to go through the episode and take them all over again. Stupid, terrible and time-consuming. And I know, I know, "Don't apologize rahrahrahrah," but really, that sucked and I hate to be late when people are expecting something, you know? Especially because two weeks ago, I ended up posting the recap late. Whatever -- just know that I'm not jerking you around and that when I can't get a recap up on time, I cry. Why must I cry?

Tell me why.

80. Brittany

Brittany responds to Jael's rather outlandish post-elimination letter stating that she would have "sacrificed herself" if Brittany were eliminated instead of her. See, now I'm all disappointed that we didn't get to see Jael impale herself on a hula hoop. Also, it could just be the angle of her head and expression of exhilarated wonder, but doesn't Brit-tit-tit-tit look like Falcor in this shot? From sea lion to winged dog, Brit's turning up the heat this time around!

81. Brittany

Jesus Christ, what to say, what to say? Even if Brittany's bumbling antics didn't put a cramp in her go-seeing, I believe she still would have cried. Probably because the words "good job" are too harsh-sounding for her sensitive ears. She's like Sam I Am. She would cry with a fox, she would cry in a box. She would cry in the rain, she would cry with Elaine.

82. Brittany

OK, lemme guess: Brit-tit-tit-tit's tit got run over by a mammography machine and now it can't remember how to be perky.

83. Brittany

And the crying over the botched go-see challenge continues. This time in front of a door. I'm so glad I get to capture this excitement.

84. Brittany

Someone wrote me last week after Brittany was eliminated, saying, "Your crying count is going to plummet!" And so it will. I'm glad she's getting it all out, though. This is probably as cathartic for her as it is for me.

85. Dionne

Here, Dionne looks like a Precious Moments figure. And really, any moment in which someone other than Brittany cries is a precious one.

86. Brittany

Did you really think she was going to leave without one last cry? I'm surprised Brian McKnight himself didn't escort her out of the lavish Australian model cage.

If you need to use the bathroom, do so now -- we have many Tyraisms to go through. On second thought, you may want to wait as some of these may provide masturbation fodder. Just saying.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"All right, now I don't want to see you lookin' like Playboy with me. It's gotta be soft and beautiful and fashion. And with our male photographer, you can do all that..."

First of all: ooh! Can they? Second of all: by the time she gets to "that," she sounds winded. Perhaps this a dance is sort of a sequel to the Lazy Hippo: the Humpy, Humpy Hippo. Third of all: masturbation fodder.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 

"Nice. Love the pride. Gorgeous!"

Eh. It'd be more gorgeous on a float.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."

What kind of fucked up urethra do you have to have to get your legs but not crotch wet after peeing yourself? JOKE DOES NOT WORK. That said, I hope this becomes a fixture like "fierce" or "so who goes home." This show needs more watersports!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Don't let a boy outshine you, because boys usually are the accessory in a shot."

This may very well be true, but it kind of sounds as stupid as a Pussycat Doll singing "I Don't Need a Man." I'm just wondering who's empowered at the end of the day. Fucking girl power.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"See that eye contact, Jaslene?

That is the eye contact that men love."

See this eye contact, everyone?

That is the eye contact that men fear.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"You did the booty tooch. The booty is the new sex accessory, and you were tooching that back and that booty to make men look back there. Even though there's not a lot there, you're still tooching it."

First of all, if the booty is the new sex accessory, what's the old one? The inside of elbows? Leather wallets? Hot dog buns? Second of all, I pretty much can figure out what "tooch" means given the context, but I looked it up on Urban Dictionary to be sure and the results are confusing. Here are the Top 3 [all sic, of course]:

1. a person who is most likely a hypocrit, an ass hole, and probably will end up bitter and with no friends later in life. Also tooches tend to point out really petty flaws in people.

2. fat motherfucker

3. pug-nosed mortgage fuck.

So, if describing Renee, we have a yes (No. 1), a no (No. 2) and a maybe (No. 3). Anyone have any idea what a "mortgage fuck" is? Sounds painful.

And speaking of pain...

1.

Turn around, trite eyes.

I love how Brittany, in one swoop, fulfilled just about every model cliche that we've come to know and love via this show. The crying, the tyranny, the lies...

...the mobile incompetence...

I mean, seriously, this shit reads like a joke: 

Q: How did the model get to the third floor.
A: She was already on it.

How often do you think shit like the elevator incident happens? I bet often. Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!

You know, I thought before that Brittany was maybe just an awkward girl who was a bit of a pain in the ass, but mostly kind-hearted. Blaming her cab driver for her miscommunication was a bunch of shit, though (did you notice how she wisely revised her story for panel?). But then, even worse, she tried lying to us -- in her exit interview she said, "I've never been, like, the emotional person. And I don't know what made it come out here. But it shocked me and then I didn't know how to handle it." Yeah. I'm sure her catchphrase as a child wasn't, "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" And, like Dionne pointed out, the whole short-term memory loss thing wasn't a problem at all in the original acting challenge with Pedro. Or something.

And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony when Natasha's commentary on your behavior comes off as lucid:

"I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries." Thanks for the civics lesson, Natasha. I never would have realized that without you. Kinda puts the whole show into perspective.

2. Continuing this thread, was this episode particularly a hotbed for stupidity or was it just me? Let's examine some quotes:

"My strategy is to be calm, cool and collective." Collective, as in, Jaslene and her nipples were working together to collectively win over the designers?

Here's another:

Dionne, in response to Tyramail: "It may have something to do, with like, aliens or something, because it says future."

Actually, it may have something to do with aliens because it mentions other planets. Aliens have always been around! They transcend time, damn it!

"Tyra's great as a photographer. She give you so many compliments that you feel yourself like a top model." I think my favorite favorite favorite Natashaism is "feel yourself/myself..." instead of just "feel." It brings a masturbatory sexiness that otherwise wouldn't be there. I love reading that shit literally, too. Like, how exactly does one feel oneself like a top model? With the shame of an awkward 11-year-old? In the manner that will burn the most calories? Not for less than $10,000 a day?

And another:

Renee: "I like doing sexy, because that's one thing I know I'm good at." I like to read this as if Renee were possessed by Natasha. "Doing sexy," ha. And you know, Renee is good at that: she does have a kid, after all. Much success in doing sexy, yeah!

And another:

Jay: "And remember, Tyra is an experienced photographer who shot the girls on America's Next Top Model in the past."

Snort.

And finally:

"We're bringin' sexy back."

Put it down, Jaslene. Put down the sexy and walk away from it slowly.

3. And speaking of Jaslene...

I really was happy for her that she won the go-see challenge. I mean, I didn't start screaming incoherently like she did, but you know, I was happy all the same. The prize, while cheap, was good, right?

Plus, before the pictures were shot, we got to see Nigel looking...aroused.

Hey, Nidge, is that a bionic boner, or are you just really happy to see the girls?

But Jaslene: what a weirdo.

When she was spying on...whomever, it was fucking creepy. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge-original-VHS-box-creepy:

For reals:

I'm scared that I'm going to fall asleep in the tub and Jaslene's going to come in and cut off my pubic hair. I don't wanna be bald down there!

I just love that shot, how she's this disembodied head floating. Like a balloon...

...or a Mr(s). Potato Head...

And I love how, in the beginning of the episode, when Natasha was freaking out about being in the Top 5, Jaslene became all stern, like she's refined or some shit.

Taskmistress!

Seriously, Jaslene, who died and made you Mrs. Clause and/or Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point?

Oh, but staying true to the Mr(s). Potato Head thing, this might be more accurate:

4. What's Dionne's problem?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Huh? Wha?

OK, Tyra, tell me and show me.

I'm still not getting it. One more time, please.

Oh. She looks mean! I never would have gotten that, except, oh wait, I said that exactly when I did my superficial first-look-judging of this cycle's contestants! Did it really take them nine episodes to figure this out? Am I really just that good?

But whatever, Dionne's still my favorite. I thought her freeloading was nothing short of inspiring.

And I still think she's the prettiest. I guess I just like mean girls. And, maybe, ones with wonky eyes?

Dionne however, is not pretty enough to make this week's Pretty Party, which is the Blurred-Mouth-Brit-Tit-Tit-Tit Edition.

Way to let those F-bombs fly, Brit!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. How better to emphasize your pressssssssssssshusssssssssss kid then by getting into a Gollum stance when licking the back of snapshots of him to put into your portfolio?

That is so gross and cheap.

Also, I like how post-photo shoot, Renee kind of looked like Rob Zombie.

Again: that is so gross and cheap.

6.

I wanted to say
something
about this portly,
Rosie
-esque lady
But she actually seems
quite pleasant.
Crikey.

(Besides, her
reaction to Brit-tit-tit's freakout
was golden as Tyra's
shower.)

7.

Check out the crotch on that!

8. OMG, I cannot believe that Twiggy said, "The camera loves you," again this episode! That's it...

FIRE HER!

9. Finally, I was totally shocked that more wasn't made of the fact that Tyra's photos this week were of her in the "Kiss my fat ass" bathing suit.

Except, look a little closer, and there was a somewhat hidden message:

How Perez-esque! Way to reclaim your cellulite, Ty!

The other shot was even more ridiculous...

...for a close-up reveals...

Nice.

Dionne, we haven't heard from you all recap. What do you think of all this?

"You are lying!"

Ouch. She really is mean.

Comments

[EasterBuffy]

Well, considering what a blow out she gave the world, you were amazingly kind, for you, to Brit. But what is it with every blogger ready to rip her a new one for her memory issue? Back in the day when Tyra loved putting herself on a Compassion Pedestal, she gave former contestants the chance to fully explain their health issues. Mercedes from Cycle Two was practically canonized for having lupus. Tyra and everyone who calls Brittany a liar for having no or little problem with the acting challenge but tanking on the First Fake CoverGirl Commercial really should do the research on head trauma and the many, complicated results one can suffer. I'm not defending Brit's bad behavior at the go-sees, but this show is ace at editing just what they want to justify kicking someone's bony butt off. In Cycle Three, Cassie from Kansas had an eating disorder. Initially, Tyra was concerned and promised to come after Cassie in Kansas to make sure she ate properly and (as Cassie had done some stripping) keep her away from the pole! As soon as Cassie was kicked out (for being boring - what a sin!), at the very beginning of the next episode, Tyra and her mother sat in Tyra's bed (with full make up on each of them), and Tyra's mom told Tyra that Tyra "couldn't do anything for a soul that doesn't want to be saved." What crap. What hypocrisy. So, what I'm saying is, why does Brit get the short end of the compassion stick when others have had the royal treatment?

Anyway, that rant aside - I read your first premonitions on the show and you were right about Dionne. And if not for the Jaslene recaps above, today would be a truly gray one.

[Toots]

I love Jaslene as Freddie Kruger. So she's like the deaf tranny Freddie Kruger, which could open up the possibilities for a new sequel!

Thanks Rich!

[duane]

I officially sealed the love deal with Dionne when she was asking for all that stuff. I couldn't stop laughing.

[RH]

Reh Dogg and Hookers at the Point references? I can't handle it. I need to go out for some air.

[Liz]

What I don't understand is how they have waffled back and forth with the "it doesn't matter what order you are called in" and now it's back to being number 1 if you are called first in the elimination panel. What gives?!

[Flint, MI]

You.are.the.shit! I laughed so hard at Jaslene's floating head, I scared the bejeezus out of my 2-year-old son!!!! You so CRAY-ZEE, I think I wanna have yo baby....

[Mike V.]

HAHAHAHA, awesome!
Best quote:

"Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!"

:)

[carli]

SCHOOLTEACHER!!! ahahahhaahahah

[whol]

I'm trying to stifle my laughter b/c I'm in a study room but...WOW

[cloudy]

Natasha's war quote was the best quote ever ever. She don't sweat the small stuff.

[Tony]

So I'm not sure if it's just me, but Brittany reminds me of Carla from the movie the Other Sister. Especially your first screen shot.

[princemoney]

pretty party was freaking creeeeeepeeeeee.

damn rich dont be so hard on yrself for being late. we move slow sometimes.

[d]

Beth: that wasn't Jaslene with the kid and army husband. Her name was Evita or some shizz.

[Mark]

Was it just me or did the guy in Jaslene's picture have better eye contact?

[Andrea]

This:

>>"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."<<<

Was, seriously, the most fucked-up thing I heard on ANTM ever. And I thought there were dudes wanking when she admitted to cutting a "tiny" little fart on C1.

[David]

AWESOME! This was great and I was so thrilled to see Britney go packing.

Two things:
1) I watched a minimarathon of Australia's Next Top Model this past weekend, and damn it all to hell if I wasn't more into that than America's. It reminded me of the old days of ANTM, where there were no wind tunnels involved.

2) I pretty much orgasm every time I look at "The Descent" banner. It's like a little slice of heaven.

[Ellen]

I LOVE the new Twigometer. But shouldn't it go from DO NOT WANT to INVISIBLE to I CAN HAS?

[JadeFan]

Dear Alex,

JASLENE IS NOT SPANISH, SHE IS A PUERTO RICAN.

PUERTO RICANS HAVE BEEN UNITED STATES CITIZENS SINCE 1917. NATASHA GOT A GREEN CARD.

TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS.

[Courtney]

Ok...what is Renee doing in that first Jaslene nipple shot? Putting in a tampon?

[jammer]

FREDDY!

[Lea]

Can we get a campaign started to have the Top Models from the other shows around the world to compete for World's Top Model. Just imagine the drama, the bitchiness...the language barriers. It would be the greatest thing on earth. Actually, it would be the second greatest thing. The first would be Rich's stellar commentary.

[Mark]

Yeah, Spanish != Hispanic. Spanish means you're actually from Spain.

I think they should replace Twiggy with Natasha next cycle. I will be so depressed when there is no Natasha gracing my screen after the finale.

[Kate]

You know, I realised I was a little too obsessed with your recaps when I found myself guessing what you would say about certain things in the episode.

Yes I am a loser. You, however, are wonderful for enabling my lameness. Love!

[mariaaaaa]

"Oh my goodness, oh my goodness" - an "Annie" reference? OMG.
"And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony" OMG.
I'm exploding Chicken-lady style.

I need a cigarette and a Coke Zero.

[CookieLA]

Rich: RE: posting late: "You must learn to be of the forgiveness of yourselves. Is okay. Some people have war in their c@nts."

Why don't any of the judges discuss Jaslene's seemingly anorexic frame? Or did Tyra congratulating Jaslene onpositioning her body in the Women's shot to look "normal"?

I was shocked that Renee's Men's Shot was soooooOOOOOOOoooooooo rockin! She's definitly limited...but that was the best pic of them ALL!

I am so over Whoolihay. Take your free bikini and Get Out.