Eliminated...-tit-tit-tit

There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.

Re: Yesterday - Sorry again. I did something really stupid that prevented me from having this recap prepared on time: I closed out my DVD playing program without saving my screen shots. This meant that I had to go through the episode and take them all over again. Stupid, terrible and time-consuming. And I know, I know, "Don't apologize rahrahrahrah," but really, that sucked and I hate to be late when people are expecting something, you know? Especially because two weeks ago, I ended up posting the recap late. Whatever -- just know that I'm not jerking you around and that when I can't get a recap up on time, I cry. Why must I cry?

Tell me why.

80. Brittany

Brittany responds to Jael's rather outlandish post-elimination letter stating that she would have "sacrificed herself" if Brittany were eliminated instead of her. See, now I'm all disappointed that we didn't get to see Jael impale herself on a hula hoop. Also, it could just be the angle of her head and expression of exhilarated wonder, but doesn't Brit-tit-tit-tit look like Falcor in this shot? From sea lion to winged dog, Brit's turning up the heat this time around!

81. Brittany

Jesus Christ, what to say, what to say? Even if Brittany's bumbling antics didn't put a cramp in her go-seeing, I believe she still would have cried. Probably because the words "good job" are too harsh-sounding for her sensitive ears. She's like Sam I Am. She would cry with a fox, she would cry in a box. She would cry in the rain, she would cry with Elaine.

82. Brittany

OK, lemme guess: Brit-tit-tit-tit's tit got run over by a mammography machine and now it can't remember how to be perky.

83. Brittany

And the crying over the botched go-see challenge continues. This time in front of a door. I'm so glad I get to capture this excitement.

84. Brittany

Someone wrote me last week after Brittany was eliminated, saying, "Your crying count is going to plummet!" And so it will. I'm glad she's getting it all out, though. This is probably as cathartic for her as it is for me.

85. Dionne

Here, Dionne looks like a Precious Moments figure. And really, any moment in which someone other than Brittany cries is a precious one.

86. Brittany

Did you really think she was going to leave without one last cry? I'm surprised Brian McKnight himself didn't escort her out of the lavish Australian model cage.

If you need to use the bathroom, do so now -- we have many Tyraisms to go through. On second thought, you may want to wait as some of these may provide masturbation fodder. Just saying.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"All right, now I don't want to see you lookin' like Playboy with me. It's gotta be soft and beautiful and fashion. And with our male photographer, you can do all that..."

First of all: ooh! Can they? Second of all: by the time she gets to "that," she sounds winded. Perhaps this a dance is sort of a sequel to the Lazy Hippo: the Humpy, Humpy Hippo. Third of all: masturbation fodder.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 

"Nice. Love the pride. Gorgeous!"

Eh. It'd be more gorgeous on a float.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."

What kind of fucked up urethra do you have to have to get your legs but not crotch wet after peeing yourself? JOKE DOES NOT WORK. That said, I hope this becomes a fixture like "fierce" or "so who goes home." This show needs more watersports!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Don't let a boy outshine you, because boys usually are the accessory in a shot."

This may very well be true, but it kind of sounds as stupid as a Pussycat Doll singing "I Don't Need a Man." I'm just wondering who's empowered at the end of the day. Fucking girl power.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"See that eye contact, Jaslene?

That is the eye contact that men love."

See this eye contact, everyone?

That is the eye contact that men fear.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"You did the booty tooch. The booty is the new sex accessory, and you were tooching that back and that booty to make men look back there. Even though there's not a lot there, you're still tooching it."

First of all, if the booty is the new sex accessory, what's the old one? The inside of elbows? Leather wallets? Hot dog buns? Second of all, I pretty much can figure out what "tooch" means given the context, but I looked it up on Urban Dictionary to be sure and the results are confusing. Here are the Top 3 [all sic, of course]:

1. a person who is most likely a hypocrit, an ass hole, and probably will end up bitter and with no friends later in life. Also tooches tend to point out really petty flaws in people.

2. fat motherfucker

3. pug-nosed mortgage fuck.

So, if describing Renee, we have a yes (No. 1), a no (No. 2) and a maybe (No. 3). Anyone have any idea what a "mortgage fuck" is? Sounds painful.

And speaking of pain...

1.

Turn around, trite eyes.

I love how Brittany, in one swoop, fulfilled just about every model cliche that we've come to know and love via this show. The crying, the tyranny, the lies...

...the mobile incompetence...

I mean, seriously, this shit reads like a joke: 

Q: How did the model get to the third floor.
A: She was already on it.

How often do you think shit like the elevator incident happens? I bet often. Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!

You know, I thought before that Brittany was maybe just an awkward girl who was a bit of a pain in the ass, but mostly kind-hearted. Blaming her cab driver for her miscommunication was a bunch of shit, though (did you notice how she wisely revised her story for panel?). But then, even worse, she tried lying to us -- in her exit interview she said, "I've never been, like, the emotional person. And I don't know what made it come out here. But it shocked me and then I didn't know how to handle it." Yeah. I'm sure her catchphrase as a child wasn't, "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" And, like Dionne pointed out, the whole short-term memory loss thing wasn't a problem at all in the original acting challenge with Pedro. Or something.

And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony when Natasha's commentary on your behavior comes off as lucid:

"I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries." Thanks for the civics lesson, Natasha. I never would have realized that without you. Kinda puts the whole show into perspective.

2. Continuing this thread, was this episode particularly a hotbed for stupidity or was it just me? Let's examine some quotes:

"My strategy is to be calm, cool and collective." Collective, as in, Jaslene and her nipples were working together to collectively win over the designers?

Here's another:

Dionne, in response to Tyramail: "It may have something to do, with like, aliens or something, because it says future."

Actually, it may have something to do with aliens because it mentions other planets. Aliens have always been around! They transcend time, damn it!

"Tyra's great as a photographer. She give you so many compliments that you feel yourself like a top model." I think my favorite favorite favorite Natashaism is "feel yourself/myself..." instead of just "feel." It brings a masturbatory sexiness that otherwise wouldn't be there. I love reading that shit literally, too. Like, how exactly does one feel oneself like a top model? With the shame of an awkward 11-year-old? In the manner that will burn the most calories? Not for less than $10,000 a day?

And another:

Renee: "I like doing sexy, because that's one thing I know I'm good at." I like to read this as if Renee were possessed by Natasha. "Doing sexy," ha. And you know, Renee is good at that: she does have a kid, after all. Much success in doing sexy, yeah!

And another:

Jay: "And remember, Tyra is an experienced photographer who shot the girls on America's Next Top Model in the past."

Snort.

And finally:

"We're bringin' sexy back."

Put it down, Jaslene. Put down the sexy and walk away from it slowly.

3. And speaking of Jaslene...

I really was happy for her that she won the go-see challenge. I mean, I didn't start screaming incoherently like she did, but you know, I was happy all the same. The prize, while cheap, was good, right?

Plus, before the pictures were shot, we got to see Nigel looking...aroused.

Hey, Nidge, is that a bionic boner, or are you just really happy to see the girls?

But Jaslene: what a weirdo.

When she was spying on...whomever, it was fucking creepy. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge-original-VHS-box-creepy:

For reals:

I'm scared that I'm going to fall asleep in the tub and Jaslene's going to come in and cut off my pubic hair. I don't wanna be bald down there!

I just love that shot, how she's this disembodied head floating. Like a balloon...

...or a Mr(s). Potato Head...

And I love how, in the beginning of the episode, when Natasha was freaking out about being in the Top 5, Jaslene became all stern, like she's refined or some shit.

Taskmistress!

Seriously, Jaslene, who died and made you Mrs. Clause and/or Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point?

Oh, but staying true to the Mr(s). Potato Head thing, this might be more accurate:

4. What's Dionne's problem?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Huh? Wha?

OK, Tyra, tell me and show me.

I'm still not getting it. One more time, please.

Oh. She looks mean! I never would have gotten that, except, oh wait, I said that exactly when I did my superficial first-look-judging of this cycle's contestants! Did it really take them nine episodes to figure this out? Am I really just that good?

But whatever, Dionne's still my favorite. I thought her freeloading was nothing short of inspiring.

And I still think she's the prettiest. I guess I just like mean girls. And, maybe, ones with wonky eyes?

Dionne however, is not pretty enough to make this week's Pretty Party, which is the Blurred-Mouth-Brit-Tit-Tit-Tit Edition.

Way to let those F-bombs fly, Brit!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. How better to emphasize your pressssssssssssshusssssssssss kid then by getting into a Gollum stance when licking the back of snapshots of him to put into your portfolio?

That is so gross and cheap.

Also, I like how post-photo shoot, Renee kind of looked like Rob Zombie.

Again: that is so gross and cheap.

6.

I wanted to say
something
about this portly,
Rosie
-esque lady
But she actually seems
quite pleasant.
Crikey.

(Besides, her
reaction to Brit-tit-tit's freakout
was golden as Tyra's
shower.)

7.

Check out the crotch on that!

8. OMG, I cannot believe that Twiggy said, "The camera loves you," again this episode! That's it...

FIRE HER!

9. Finally, I was totally shocked that more wasn't made of the fact that Tyra's photos this week were of her in the "Kiss my fat ass" bathing suit.

Except, look a little closer, and there was a somewhat hidden message:

How Perez-esque! Way to reclaim your cellulite, Ty!

The other shot was even more ridiculous...

...for a close-up reveals...

Nice.

Dionne, we haven't heard from you all recap. What do you think of all this?

"You are lying!"

Ouch. She really is mean.

Comments

[CookieLA]

Sorry my Natasha Speak spilled over into Paragraph Two. Was not intended. Can't stop me.

[Hateraid]

Team Jaslene!!!! The first Tranny (that we know of) to win ANTM.

and Dionne may be leaving next week....so sad.

[Sone]

Hookers at the point....brilliant....i guess jaslene is Tyra's bottom bitch...hahaha

I dont care how long it takes you to post this rich...you're the best!

[mandy]

this was so worth the wait. totally hilarious. the whole jaslene section cracked me up so hard! especially the freddy reference OMG! love your stuff. i never miss a recap.

[erwin]

did anyone notice the male model with renee? He had like a boner before the shoot! OMG

[Elaine]

hilarious, as usual!

I love twiggy's do not want! meter.

and of course, any recap with a mention of my name is awesome (c'mon, seinfeld was the last thing! gimme a break)

[seebee]

What will it take to win this cycle with only cha-cha Jaslene and the A.N.T.Mommies left? Breaks down to caliente vs. placentae.

[mer]

Alex,
I didn't mean that Natasha shouldn't be in Top Model. I was just stating how Top Model is everywhere. I am proud to be a citizen in a country where someone like Natasha can live the American dream...get famous by going on reality TV. Really though, I lov her.

[Bianca]

xMsBiancax: i love four four rich
xMsBiancax: because he called that girl falcor
xMsBiancax: and hes right
shaina in a coma: he usually knows just what youre thinking and says it even if you dont know the words yourself.
xMsBiancax: seriously
xMsBiancax: its worse than when i thought spinb magazine had planted a bug in my brain years ago
xMsBiancax: spin*
xMsBiancax: rich thinks my thoughts BEFORE i think them
shaina in a coma: plus he introduced me to i can has cheezburger?
xMsBiancax: this is also true
xMsBiancax: we should send this conversation to him
xMsBiancax: as a testament to our devotion
shaina in a coma: haha. omg we love you richfourfourrr.
shaina in a coma: youre like the tivo i cant afford!
xMsBiancax: he brought winston into my life, thus making my own ridiculously cute cat just not as cute as she used to be
xMsBiancax: SERIOUSLY
xMsBiancax: i dont even WATCH ANTM anymore
shaina in a coma: me neither!
xMsBiancax: the recaps are enough for me
shaina in a coma: word
shaina in a coma: i think im team rudy
xMsBiancax: you just want to be trendy by picking the non trendy cat
xMsBiancax: you dont fool me at all
shaina in a coma: im a natural underdog lover!
shaina in a coma: like when i go home i ignore my parents lazy puppy because i know my dog gets the shaft because shes old and cant see or hear
xMsBiancax: hmph thats DIFFERENT
shaina in a coma: rudy cant help that his face isnt all smushed
xMsBiancax: well, like any overweight girl in high school, rudy could make up for his lack of beauty through a winning personality
xMsBiancax: and im afraid winston has already cornered that market

[Tati]

Potato head and all, I want Jaslene to win. A fellow Boricua needs to take hold of the Next Top ... ummm ... "something" category.
I'd say Natasha Franken-brains for runner-up and "What the hell?" Dionne for a close third. Renee can have the title of Next Top Junkie Mom for all I care. Do Not Want!Oh and good job Rich on spotting the "fat ass" swimsuit on the fake Tyra photo cover. That honestly looks like a swimsuit my grandmother wore back in the 80's. It didn't work on her and it certainly doesn't work on Tyra. When I first saw the episode, I thought Tyra's picture was going to be the SI swimsuit cover she did back in the day, but then I realized Tyra doesn't have the rights to that shit, so lo and behold, she had to make this crap. At least we know what she was doing when "Tyra's Fat Ass" became tabloid fodder. Speaking of Tyra's ass, did you see homegirl fall off her couch when she had a porcupine on the set of her talk show? Genius! Love ya as always, Rich!

[vida]

wow chat logs.

[finding the filth]

your recaps make me feel myself more pretty.

[Scott Free]

Yes, you're that good.
Yes, Dionne's freeloading was inspiring(and hilarious.
Yes, I'm glad you managed to work in "wonky."

would you make the audio clips open in a new window. when i click it and then go back i'm at the top of the page. or make it go back to that spot on the page. thanks! love!

[Fake Janice Combs]

Yes! U did ya thing baby!

[Miss Lisa]

Tantrums aside, I can't find it in my heart to make fun of the brain-damaged. Exception made for Tyra, of course. The Aussies are benevolent. I would have thrown that bikini at Dionne and shouted, "Here! Take it, selfish American!" But that's just me.

[anony]

love the recaps!

[Jerome]

Awesomestest-tit-tit-tit recap....especially the Beau Sia-esque poem to the Rosie clone!!

[dodger]

why must he cry why must he cry why!
amazing post. i can't believe Natasha has lasted this long but she is a source of ... wisdom i feel myself. Jaslene's Revenge is amazing she deserves that movie. i think she might win. Britt was my runner up. oh well.

[oi vey]

rob zombie is HOT!
when do we get to get rid of re-nay-nay?

[Scott Free]

p.s. I thought Renee looked a little more Courtney Love in that shot than Rob Zombie.

(By the way, have I already bitched about how she's repping my home state?! Haole girl is giving the natives a bad rep!)

[FoxxyBrown]

Excellent recap. That's a given, but you probably never get tired of reading that.

I want to give a shout out to the funny comments you get. Especially this one by CookieLA:

"I am so over Whoolihay. Take your free bikini and Get Out."

I will possibly never get over the whole Whoolihay story and subsequent recap and am so happy to know I am not alone.

Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay, Whoolihay!

[kemperboyd]

i knew you were gunna point out the lying exit video as sooon as she said it. she swore like a trooper too, jesus even real troopers don't have mouthes as dirty as that. Another episode goes by with Renee using her son as a crutch. jesus we get it you have a son. And Dionne 'can i have this' pure genius, let's be honest after this she's going straight back to where ever she came from to work down at the 7-11 so why not get all she can now.

[Kitten]

Thank you, Rich. I've had the shittiest day and was feeling like quite the tooch. But this recap and a glass of Pinot was all it took to turn things around. You're my hero.

[Umi]

OT, but did you hear about Tyra's appearance in Time magazine? I was so horrified, I blogged about it: http://umiumiumi.wordpress.com.

WTF NAOMI WOLF?