Eliminated...-tit-tit-tit

There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.

Re: Yesterday - Sorry again. I did something really stupid that prevented me from having this recap prepared on time: I closed out my DVD playing program without saving my screen shots. This meant that I had to go through the episode and take them all over again. Stupid, terrible and time-consuming. And I know, I know, "Don't apologize rahrahrahrah," but really, that sucked and I hate to be late when people are expecting something, you know? Especially because two weeks ago, I ended up posting the recap late. Whatever -- just know that I'm not jerking you around and that when I can't get a recap up on time, I cry. Why must I cry?

Tell me why.

80. Brittany

Brittany responds to Jael's rather outlandish post-elimination letter stating that she would have "sacrificed herself" if Brittany were eliminated instead of her. See, now I'm all disappointed that we didn't get to see Jael impale herself on a hula hoop. Also, it could just be the angle of her head and expression of exhilarated wonder, but doesn't Brit-tit-tit-tit look like Falcor in this shot? From sea lion to winged dog, Brit's turning up the heat this time around!

81. Brittany

Jesus Christ, what to say, what to say? Even if Brittany's bumbling antics didn't put a cramp in her go-seeing, I believe she still would have cried. Probably because the words "good job" are too harsh-sounding for her sensitive ears. She's like Sam I Am. She would cry with a fox, she would cry in a box. She would cry in the rain, she would cry with Elaine.

82. Brittany

OK, lemme guess: Brit-tit-tit-tit's tit got run over by a mammography machine and now it can't remember how to be perky.

83. Brittany

And the crying over the botched go-see challenge continues. This time in front of a door. I'm so glad I get to capture this excitement.

84. Brittany

Someone wrote me last week after Brittany was eliminated, saying, "Your crying count is going to plummet!" And so it will. I'm glad she's getting it all out, though. This is probably as cathartic for her as it is for me.

85. Dionne

Here, Dionne looks like a Precious Moments figure. And really, any moment in which someone other than Brittany cries is a precious one.

86. Brittany

Did you really think she was going to leave without one last cry? I'm surprised Brian McKnight himself didn't escort her out of the lavish Australian model cage.

If you need to use the bathroom, do so now -- we have many Tyraisms to go through. On second thought, you may want to wait as some of these may provide masturbation fodder. Just saying.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"All right, now I don't want to see you lookin' like Playboy with me. It's gotta be soft and beautiful and fashion. And with our male photographer, you can do all that..."

First of all: ooh! Can they? Second of all: by the time she gets to "that," she sounds winded. Perhaps this a dance is sort of a sequel to the Lazy Hippo: the Humpy, Humpy Hippo. Third of all: masturbation fodder.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 

"Nice. Love the pride. Gorgeous!"

Eh. It'd be more gorgeous on a float.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."

What kind of fucked up urethra do you have to have to get your legs but not crotch wet after peeing yourself? JOKE DOES NOT WORK. That said, I hope this becomes a fixture like "fierce" or "so who goes home." This show needs more watersports!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Don't let a boy outshine you, because boys usually are the accessory in a shot."

This may very well be true, but it kind of sounds as stupid as a Pussycat Doll singing "I Don't Need a Man." I'm just wondering who's empowered at the end of the day. Fucking girl power.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"See that eye contact, Jaslene?

That is the eye contact that men love."

See this eye contact, everyone?

That is the eye contact that men fear.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"You did the booty tooch. The booty is the new sex accessory, and you were tooching that back and that booty to make men look back there. Even though there's not a lot there, you're still tooching it."

First of all, if the booty is the new sex accessory, what's the old one? The inside of elbows? Leather wallets? Hot dog buns? Second of all, I pretty much can figure out what "tooch" means given the context, but I looked it up on Urban Dictionary to be sure and the results are confusing. Here are the Top 3 [all sic, of course]:

1. a person who is most likely a hypocrit, an ass hole, and probably will end up bitter and with no friends later in life. Also tooches tend to point out really petty flaws in people.

2. fat motherfucker

3. pug-nosed mortgage fuck.

So, if describing Renee, we have a yes (No. 1), a no (No. 2) and a maybe (No. 3). Anyone have any idea what a "mortgage fuck" is? Sounds painful.

And speaking of pain...

1.

Turn around, trite eyes.

I love how Brittany, in one swoop, fulfilled just about every model cliche that we've come to know and love via this show. The crying, the tyranny, the lies...

...the mobile incompetence...

I mean, seriously, this shit reads like a joke: 

Q: How did the model get to the third floor.
A: She was already on it.

How often do you think shit like the elevator incident happens? I bet often. Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!

You know, I thought before that Brittany was maybe just an awkward girl who was a bit of a pain in the ass, but mostly kind-hearted. Blaming her cab driver for her miscommunication was a bunch of shit, though (did you notice how she wisely revised her story for panel?). But then, even worse, she tried lying to us -- in her exit interview she said, "I've never been, like, the emotional person. And I don't know what made it come out here. But it shocked me and then I didn't know how to handle it." Yeah. I'm sure her catchphrase as a child wasn't, "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" And, like Dionne pointed out, the whole short-term memory loss thing wasn't a problem at all in the original acting challenge with Pedro. Or something.

And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony when Natasha's commentary on your behavior comes off as lucid:

"I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries." Thanks for the civics lesson, Natasha. I never would have realized that without you. Kinda puts the whole show into perspective.

2. Continuing this thread, was this episode particularly a hotbed for stupidity or was it just me? Let's examine some quotes:

"My strategy is to be calm, cool and collective." Collective, as in, Jaslene and her nipples were working together to collectively win over the designers?

Here's another:

Dionne, in response to Tyramail: "It may have something to do, with like, aliens or something, because it says future."

Actually, it may have something to do with aliens because it mentions other planets. Aliens have always been around! They transcend time, damn it!

"Tyra's great as a photographer. She give you so many compliments that you feel yourself like a top model." I think my favorite favorite favorite Natashaism is "feel yourself/myself..." instead of just "feel." It brings a masturbatory sexiness that otherwise wouldn't be there. I love reading that shit literally, too. Like, how exactly does one feel oneself like a top model? With the shame of an awkward 11-year-old? In the manner that will burn the most calories? Not for less than $10,000 a day?

And another:

Renee: "I like doing sexy, because that's one thing I know I'm good at." I like to read this as if Renee were possessed by Natasha. "Doing sexy," ha. And you know, Renee is good at that: she does have a kid, after all. Much success in doing sexy, yeah!

And another:

Jay: "And remember, Tyra is an experienced photographer who shot the girls on America's Next Top Model in the past."

Snort.

And finally:

"We're bringin' sexy back."

Put it down, Jaslene. Put down the sexy and walk away from it slowly.

3. And speaking of Jaslene...

I really was happy for her that she won the go-see challenge. I mean, I didn't start screaming incoherently like she did, but you know, I was happy all the same. The prize, while cheap, was good, right?

Plus, before the pictures were shot, we got to see Nigel looking...aroused.

Hey, Nidge, is that a bionic boner, or are you just really happy to see the girls?

But Jaslene: what a weirdo.

When she was spying on...whomever, it was fucking creepy. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge-original-VHS-box-creepy:

For reals:

I'm scared that I'm going to fall asleep in the tub and Jaslene's going to come in and cut off my pubic hair. I don't wanna be bald down there!

I just love that shot, how she's this disembodied head floating. Like a balloon...

...or a Mr(s). Potato Head...

And I love how, in the beginning of the episode, when Natasha was freaking out about being in the Top 5, Jaslene became all stern, like she's refined or some shit.

Taskmistress!

Seriously, Jaslene, who died and made you Mrs. Clause and/or Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point?

Oh, but staying true to the Mr(s). Potato Head thing, this might be more accurate:

4. What's Dionne's problem?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Huh? Wha?

OK, Tyra, tell me and show me.

I'm still not getting it. One more time, please.

Oh. She looks mean! I never would have gotten that, except, oh wait, I said that exactly when I did my superficial first-look-judging of this cycle's contestants! Did it really take them nine episodes to figure this out? Am I really just that good?

But whatever, Dionne's still my favorite. I thought her freeloading was nothing short of inspiring.

And I still think she's the prettiest. I guess I just like mean girls. And, maybe, ones with wonky eyes?

Dionne however, is not pretty enough to make this week's Pretty Party, which is the Blurred-Mouth-Brit-Tit-Tit-Tit Edition.

Way to let those F-bombs fly, Brit!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. How better to emphasize your pressssssssssssshusssssssssss kid then by getting into a Gollum stance when licking the back of snapshots of him to put into your portfolio?

That is so gross and cheap.

Also, I like how post-photo shoot, Renee kind of looked like Rob Zombie.

Again: that is so gross and cheap.

6.

I wanted to say
something
about this portly,
Rosie
-esque lady
But she actually seems
quite pleasant.
Crikey.

(Besides, her
reaction to Brit-tit-tit's freakout
was golden as Tyra's
shower.)

7.

Check out the crotch on that!

8. OMG, I cannot believe that Twiggy said, "The camera loves you," again this episode! That's it...

FIRE HER!

9. Finally, I was totally shocked that more wasn't made of the fact that Tyra's photos this week were of her in the "Kiss my fat ass" bathing suit.

Except, look a little closer, and there was a somewhat hidden message:

How Perez-esque! Way to reclaim your cellulite, Ty!

The other shot was even more ridiculous...

...for a close-up reveals...

Nice.

Dionne, we haven't heard from you all recap. What do you think of all this?

"You are lying!"

Ouch. She really is mean.

Comments

[Mag Hag]

You're the best, Rich. I thought me and my friends were the only ones who made obscure references to the genius that is "Hookers at the Point." I feel myself lucky to read your recaps each week :)

[Vanessa]

Ok, let me just get this out of the way: Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point? You mad motherfucking pop culture in obscura genius! A friend of mine and I used to greet each other by saying, "Does that turn you on? When you look at the chocha?"

I too thought Brittany was a nice, if too sensitive, youngster until her full on cab freakout. Natasha continues to be one of the most brilliant contestants evah.

[Maxam]

Hey Rich,

Loved the recap, however I want to make something clear to you -- The "I feel my self [adjective]" is HOW you say that in Russian. Like, in Russian, when you say "I feel happy" and then translate it LITERALLY into English, it ends up as "I feel myself happy." So Natasha is simply speaking Russian translated literally into English. However, it DOES end up with a funny and slightly-sexual connotation to it.

[Rachel]

Excellent update, as always.

Have you seen this?

http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/TZONE/auction_close/index.html

[Jason]

Firstly, I must say that I used to be a huge fan of these recaps. 'Used to be' clearly being the operative words. Now Rich, I am afraid, just like everything else, they have become formulaic. I mean does every recap need a weird NFL-commentator squiggle and/or caricature (um, mr. potato head?! really? that's what it's come to?), the silly twiggy meter (used sparingly, it's novel and cute; over-usage causes tedium - you know that), and the one-liners that used to be gut-wrenchingly funny are now, well, tepid at best...
While I am sympathetic to your plight of having lost all your saved images and starting over, I think you're focusing more on these ridiculous clips as opposed to your true calling: mastery of the written word. For someone who I used to think was borderline genius, it just seems like you're calling it in lately: is your intern burning the midnight oil writing these first drafts with you just slapping your name to it? Sure does seem like it. Sorry to be so harsh man but looks like you might be losing your touch. I hope that's not the case and you can step up your game. Here's to tough love getting you back in the saddle....one can only dream next week's recap brings back the old magic of season's past recaps.

[monica]

AWESOME JOB!!! yet again!! YOU're awesome rich! I love you.

[natashaFTW]

hey jason, shut the fuck up.

[Jason]

Hey NatashaFTW (or is it NatashaW(hat)T(he)F(uck), grow the fuck up! Last I checked we all had a right to our opinion. Welcome to America WTF! And for the record, I am not hating, just need it like the good ol' days...so back it up bitch!

[Neka]

What I love the most about this post is the Reh Dogg reference. That boy goes hard!!! he should do a collabo with Brit since they both love to cry so much.

[Stampypants]

Brilliant stuff. I was reeeeally pissed that Dionne wasn't rinsed for free-loading, and Renee wasn't slapped about for putting PHOTOS OF HER KID in her portfolio. professional or what. Love the recaps (and the pretentious rosie-esque haiku), i'll keep coming back for them even if they're a whole cycle late. Great stuff, love you. I can't help but think of what youre going to make of antm as i watch each new episode, you've opened my eyes man. Just don't mention Perez again.
ps. Ausntm cycle 3 rules, try it, its Antm + vogue = real models (sort of) vying for ultimate prize ergo added bitchiness and desperation. I know, i'm an NTM whore.

Anyone else notice that we finally get to see Renees little penis in the photo of Jaslene_nipples?

[stampypants]

QUOTE:
"is your intern burning the midnight oil writing these first drafts with you just slapping your name to it?"

TURD.

[Jezzie]

I love the recaps whether in-depth or just a quickie; either way, the humour always has a nice bite. I loved Mr. Potato Head! It left me wishing that you would work Gumby and Pokey in somehow...I think sympathetic Pokey walking up on Brit during her tantrum would've helped...actually, I think Jaslene reminds me of Pokey and Brit at the go sees kinda reminded me of Gumby...clay gallumphing, ya know?

[Rich]

I should point out that I've used the Bug-O-Meter three times this cycle -- during the "good 'ol days" it was used much more.

I appreciate the feedback, but I do wish it were more constructive. "Don't be tepid" isn't really helpful to me. Neither is the "weird NFL-commentator squiggle" comment, but that's just because I have no idea what you're referring to. I've done everything I can to evolve these recaps, in fact, so they aren't just the same thing over and over again (because I don't know if you've noticed, but the show is really repetitive). Hence the Pretty Party, the responses from contestants (OK, the responses from Dionne) the all-Natashaspeak recap, etc.

Everything fun gets old and because, Jason, you can't offer me advice beyond, "be good again," I feel that these recaps are that fun thing getting old for you. It sucks, but what can you do? There are recaps from this cycle (not this particular recap, mind you) that satisfy me more than any mixed-media work I've ever done. There's recent writing on this site (as much as it's overshadowed by the ANTM stuff) that's the most lucid expression of my thoughts that I've ever been capable of. In my Natashaheart, I feel myself improving. If you don't, I think you're probably just over it, and that's fine. It happens a lot.

[nippular]

Oh god jtalia i love you

for anyone that missed his comment you MUST see smellrose/melstank's brit-tit-tits at

http://www.fashionmodeldirectory.com/models/melrose_bickerstaff/showphoto/85088

[QuakerJono]

Mortgage fuck: Hit it today, pay for it for the next 30 years?

[Fagtastic]

Where's the love for Natasha? She's got this in the bag!

[H]

As per usual, you are the shizz Rich

[Isagani]

Love the recaps as always, but I still don't see what you do in Dionne. She's always been Chris Rock with tits.

[matt]

I dunno Rich. I still think Renee is the prettiest. I guess I like sleazy girls.

[matt]

Natasha resembles Ronald McDonald with lipstick, Dionne resembles a black male effeminate porn star whose name I can't think of. I think he was in Bustin out or bustin in or something. So I think it really comes down to Jaslene and Renee, the way Mister J LOL foresees it.

[matt]

Rudy. Same fierce eyebrows as Dionne.

[jenn]

is it just me? why hasn't anyone on the show mentioned how manly Dionne's hands are? they are wayt o big and clumsy-looking for a top model! that photoshoot with Kim really made it clear that Dionne's got a bad case of MANHANDS!!!

[blah]

could they pick just one girl that was attractive and intelligent and let her go to the end of the show? homegirls are dumb as a box of rocks.

really surprised about brit. i thought she would go to the final two with that bitch renee and that brit would take it. she has all of the stereotypical qualities for her to take this season. now i guess it will have to be jack/jaslene that takes it. no way in hell that natasha is going to win because they are going to have to cut her soon since she can't speak english. then again they let danielle win and she doesn't speak english either.

[blah]

oh and i didn't comment on the natasha-speak entry that you did a couple weeks back rich, but it was nothing short of amazing. you should have made a podcast so we could hear your voice in real-time.

[Amy]

Worth the wait! :D