Eliminated...-tit-tit-tit

There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.

Re: Yesterday - Sorry again. I did something really stupid that prevented me from having this recap prepared on time: I closed out my DVD playing program without saving my screen shots. This meant that I had to go through the episode and take them all over again. Stupid, terrible and time-consuming. And I know, I know, "Don't apologize rahrahrahrah," but really, that sucked and I hate to be late when people are expecting something, you know? Especially because two weeks ago, I ended up posting the recap late. Whatever -- just know that I'm not jerking you around and that when I can't get a recap up on time, I cry. Why must I cry?

Tell me why.

80. Brittany

Brittany responds to Jael's rather outlandish post-elimination letter stating that she would have "sacrificed herself" if Brittany were eliminated instead of her. See, now I'm all disappointed that we didn't get to see Jael impale herself on a hula hoop. Also, it could just be the angle of her head and expression of exhilarated wonder, but doesn't Brit-tit-tit-tit look like Falcor in this shot? From sea lion to winged dog, Brit's turning up the heat this time around!

81. Brittany

Jesus Christ, what to say, what to say? Even if Brittany's bumbling antics didn't put a cramp in her go-seeing, I believe she still would have cried. Probably because the words "good job" are too harsh-sounding for her sensitive ears. She's like Sam I Am. She would cry with a fox, she would cry in a box. She would cry in the rain, she would cry with Elaine.

82. Brittany

OK, lemme guess: Brit-tit-tit-tit's tit got run over by a mammography machine and now it can't remember how to be perky.

83. Brittany

And the crying over the botched go-see challenge continues. This time in front of a door. I'm so glad I get to capture this excitement.

84. Brittany

Someone wrote me last week after Brittany was eliminated, saying, "Your crying count is going to plummet!" And so it will. I'm glad she's getting it all out, though. This is probably as cathartic for her as it is for me.

85. Dionne

Here, Dionne looks like a Precious Moments figure. And really, any moment in which someone other than Brittany cries is a precious one.

86. Brittany

Did you really think she was going to leave without one last cry? I'm surprised Brian McKnight himself didn't escort her out of the lavish Australian model cage.

If you need to use the bathroom, do so now -- we have many Tyraisms to go through. On second thought, you may want to wait as some of these may provide masturbation fodder. Just saying.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"All right, now I don't want to see you lookin' like Playboy with me. It's gotta be soft and beautiful and fashion. And with our male photographer, you can do all that..."

First of all: ooh! Can they? Second of all: by the time she gets to "that," she sounds winded. Perhaps this a dance is sort of a sequel to the Lazy Hippo: the Humpy, Humpy Hippo. Third of all: masturbation fodder.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 

"Nice. Love the pride. Gorgeous!"

Eh. It'd be more gorgeous on a float.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."

What kind of fucked up urethra do you have to have to get your legs but not crotch wet after peeing yourself? JOKE DOES NOT WORK. That said, I hope this becomes a fixture like "fierce" or "so who goes home." This show needs more watersports!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Don't let a boy outshine you, because boys usually are the accessory in a shot."

This may very well be true, but it kind of sounds as stupid as a Pussycat Doll singing "I Don't Need a Man." I'm just wondering who's empowered at the end of the day. Fucking girl power.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"See that eye contact, Jaslene?

That is the eye contact that men love."

See this eye contact, everyone?

That is the eye contact that men fear.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"You did the booty tooch. The booty is the new sex accessory, and you were tooching that back and that booty to make men look back there. Even though there's not a lot there, you're still tooching it."

First of all, if the booty is the new sex accessory, what's the old one? The inside of elbows? Leather wallets? Hot dog buns? Second of all, I pretty much can figure out what "tooch" means given the context, but I looked it up on Urban Dictionary to be sure and the results are confusing. Here are the Top 3 [all sic, of course]:

1. a person who is most likely a hypocrit, an ass hole, and probably will end up bitter and with no friends later in life. Also tooches tend to point out really petty flaws in people.

2. fat motherfucker

3. pug-nosed mortgage fuck.

So, if describing Renee, we have a yes (No. 1), a no (No. 2) and a maybe (No. 3). Anyone have any idea what a "mortgage fuck" is? Sounds painful.

And speaking of pain...

1.

Turn around, trite eyes.

I love how Brittany, in one swoop, fulfilled just about every model cliche that we've come to know and love via this show. The crying, the tyranny, the lies...

...the mobile incompetence...

I mean, seriously, this shit reads like a joke: 

Q: How did the model get to the third floor.
A: She was already on it.

How often do you think shit like the elevator incident happens? I bet often. Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!

You know, I thought before that Brittany was maybe just an awkward girl who was a bit of a pain in the ass, but mostly kind-hearted. Blaming her cab driver for her miscommunication was a bunch of shit, though (did you notice how she wisely revised her story for panel?). But then, even worse, she tried lying to us -- in her exit interview she said, "I've never been, like, the emotional person. And I don't know what made it come out here. But it shocked me and then I didn't know how to handle it." Yeah. I'm sure her catchphrase as a child wasn't, "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" And, like Dionne pointed out, the whole short-term memory loss thing wasn't a problem at all in the original acting challenge with Pedro. Or something.

And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony when Natasha's commentary on your behavior comes off as lucid:

"I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries." Thanks for the civics lesson, Natasha. I never would have realized that without you. Kinda puts the whole show into perspective.

2. Continuing this thread, was this episode particularly a hotbed for stupidity or was it just me? Let's examine some quotes:

"My strategy is to be calm, cool and collective." Collective, as in, Jaslene and her nipples were working together to collectively win over the designers?

Here's another:

Dionne, in response to Tyramail: "It may have something to do, with like, aliens or something, because it says future."

Actually, it may have something to do with aliens because it mentions other planets. Aliens have always been around! They transcend time, damn it!

"Tyra's great as a photographer. She give you so many compliments that you feel yourself like a top model." I think my favorite favorite favorite Natashaism is "feel yourself/myself..." instead of just "feel." It brings a masturbatory sexiness that otherwise wouldn't be there. I love reading that shit literally, too. Like, how exactly does one feel oneself like a top model? With the shame of an awkward 11-year-old? In the manner that will burn the most calories? Not for less than $10,000 a day?

And another:

Renee: "I like doing sexy, because that's one thing I know I'm good at." I like to read this as if Renee were possessed by Natasha. "Doing sexy," ha. And you know, Renee is good at that: she does have a kid, after all. Much success in doing sexy, yeah!

And another:

Jay: "And remember, Tyra is an experienced photographer who shot the girls on America's Next Top Model in the past."

Snort.

And finally:

"We're bringin' sexy back."

Put it down, Jaslene. Put down the sexy and walk away from it slowly.

3. And speaking of Jaslene...

I really was happy for her that she won the go-see challenge. I mean, I didn't start screaming incoherently like she did, but you know, I was happy all the same. The prize, while cheap, was good, right?

Plus, before the pictures were shot, we got to see Nigel looking...aroused.

Hey, Nidge, is that a bionic boner, or are you just really happy to see the girls?

But Jaslene: what a weirdo.

When she was spying on...whomever, it was fucking creepy. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge-original-VHS-box-creepy:

For reals:

I'm scared that I'm going to fall asleep in the tub and Jaslene's going to come in and cut off my pubic hair. I don't wanna be bald down there!

I just love that shot, how she's this disembodied head floating. Like a balloon...

...or a Mr(s). Potato Head...

And I love how, in the beginning of the episode, when Natasha was freaking out about being in the Top 5, Jaslene became all stern, like she's refined or some shit.

Taskmistress!

Seriously, Jaslene, who died and made you Mrs. Clause and/or Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point?

Oh, but staying true to the Mr(s). Potato Head thing, this might be more accurate:

4. What's Dionne's problem?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Huh? Wha?

OK, Tyra, tell me and show me.

I'm still not getting it. One more time, please.

Oh. She looks mean! I never would have gotten that, except, oh wait, I said that exactly when I did my superficial first-look-judging of this cycle's contestants! Did it really take them nine episodes to figure this out? Am I really just that good?

But whatever, Dionne's still my favorite. I thought her freeloading was nothing short of inspiring.

And I still think she's the prettiest. I guess I just like mean girls. And, maybe, ones with wonky eyes?

Dionne however, is not pretty enough to make this week's Pretty Party, which is the Blurred-Mouth-Brit-Tit-Tit-Tit Edition.

Way to let those F-bombs fly, Brit!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. How better to emphasize your pressssssssssssshusssssssssss kid then by getting into a Gollum stance when licking the back of snapshots of him to put into your portfolio?

That is so gross and cheap.

Also, I like how post-photo shoot, Renee kind of looked like Rob Zombie.

Again: that is so gross and cheap.

6.

I wanted to say
something
about this portly,
Rosie
-esque lady
But she actually seems
quite pleasant.
Crikey.

(Besides, her
reaction to Brit-tit-tit's freakout
was golden as Tyra's
shower.)

7.

Check out the crotch on that!

8. OMG, I cannot believe that Twiggy said, "The camera loves you," again this episode! That's it...

FIRE HER!

9. Finally, I was totally shocked that more wasn't made of the fact that Tyra's photos this week were of her in the "Kiss my fat ass" bathing suit.

Except, look a little closer, and there was a somewhat hidden message:

How Perez-esque! Way to reclaim your cellulite, Ty!

The other shot was even more ridiculous...

...for a close-up reveals...

Nice.

Dionne, we haven't heard from you all recap. What do you think of all this?

"You are lying!"

Ouch. She really is mean.

Comments

[Robert]

So I take it Elaine was eliminated? Shame. Bitch was fierce.

Great recap, as usual, but the pretty party was just uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, vs UH-uh-Uh-uh-Uh, like Beyonce would do.

[Andrea]

quote from adrian:

>>i'm still trying to take in the fact that you referenced what i still think is the most homoerotic movie of the last 30 years.

nightmare on elm street 2 is truly the brokeback mountain of horror movies.<<

I take it you've never seen Sleepaway Camp?

[charlie]

tyra was workin' the no-neck monster look in both of this weeks cover photos!

[ezra]

NICE recap! And nice that schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point got worked in (i love how she loved to say "chucha mi chocha" or something when she was with her johns). How DARE you be late with the recap. I'm sure you have a good excuse.

[MizoFizo]

Jaslene reminds me of Sonia Braga as Mrs. Westlake aka the Dragon Lady on the Cosby show...

[Saun]

"Why must I cry" - Yes I did catch the Reh Dogg reference.

[Nick]

Awesome...I feel myself so happy now!

Dionne...god I love her and her ghetto-fab-ness.

And hang on...did anybody else notice how Brittany's exit was relatively (though not entirely) tearless? I mean come on! Bitch cries about freakin EVERYTHING, and then was almost completely stone-faced through her entire elimination!
Ugh.
"Will not miss".

Also...that model that Jaslene and Dionne shot with is SO friggin hot...

[Erika]

You always make my week. I'm not quite sure whether that's a pathetic or a fantastic thing.

[Julia]

"PRECIOUS MOMENTS-of-COLOR"
This made me pee pee in my pants.

Julie

[pphillipp]

the reason natasha says "feel yourself" (in this context) is because the russian verb is reflexive (in this context) - "chuvstvovat' sebia," meaning, literally, "to feel myself [as experiencing something, e.g.]." the verb "chuvstvovat'," without the "sebia" means to feel or touch something.

i'm just sayin...

[Nick]

JASON,

I think I speak for everyone here when I say:
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

If you're not entertained by Rich's blogs, go get your kicks elsewhere. Or better yet...start your own blog since you obviously think that you can do better. (*rolls eyes*) Bet that'll happen...

I still think the recaps are great. Sure, maybe they've lost their "new-ness" or originality...or even as you say, have become "formulaic"...but thats what happens when you recap a FORMULAIC SHOW.

So like I said...if you don't like it, don't read it. The rest of us who have commented are *clearly* still entertained.

Oh...and since you apparently have such a "mastery of the written word" (judging from your judgement of Rich)...I would have thought that you'd have known that "FIRSTLY" is not a grammatically correct way to start a sentence.

Ass.

[Daniel]

Yeah, Jason is an ass, though he does have every right to his opinion, as clearly wrong as it may be. In all, I have to say I think he meant well. And I'm with Rich in the assessment that the recaps are NOT becoming formulaic. On the contrary, he makes a real effort to change things up and keep an otherwise formulaic topic interesting. And he succeeds. The fact that we keep tuning in and keep laughing our asses off is proof positive that he does not reuse the same old shit. I for one would get bored QUICK if he did.

[Astrid]

JASLENE POTATO HEAD!

[jtalia]

thanks nippular, but im not a dude :)

team jasleen!

[Shana]

What about when Ty-Ty baby ran up behind the girls on the beach? In slow motion, I thought those thighs were going to cause an earthquake. I'd love to see a .gif of that, complete with earth-shattering sound effects.. yikes!

[Rachel]

I was in the library when I was reading this, and I had to keep turning my head the other way and putting my hand in my mouth cause I was laughing so hard.
The Jaslene spying thing...hilarious.
Also, today my French teacher asked us if we knew what the Australian slang word for girl was, and I knew it was sheila (even though that was from a few episodes ago).
See, proof positive that you don't lose brain cells while watching this show (all other evidence to the contrary though).

[Joshua]

re: http://fourfour.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/05/08/jaslene_eyecontact.jpg

did you notice they airbrushed this guy's armpits to make them smooth? It was so unnatural looking!

[Nick]

I officially hate Jaslene.

What a bitch.

[L.C.]

Did anyone notice how Dionne took a step back in the animation of Tyra backing it up? Its like she was thinking to herself: "I ain't no fuckin' Lesbo".

[Michael]

The floating Jaslene head made me laugh so hard I almost puked. I think if you would have posted a photo of a floating Jaslene Freddy Potato Head I would have had a heart attack. Thanks for your restraint. Good job. Now let's see if you can bring on the big one and put me in the hospital next week when your fav, Dionne, gets the boot. "What the hell?"

[Mary]

You notice how Tyra resembled a lil puppet when Jay said "I wanted you to tell the girls" lol she seemed like a lil girl!

[sarah]

i loved the lady on the left in the tyraism #3, who is looking at Tyra like "really?" sort of with a mom-disapproval look. so good

[Kyle]

Rich... my love... best ANTM recap EVER. You can always be late if it's this good. Thank you - as always - for making my work week funny!

[andy]

loving the rosie free-verse poetry allusion.

[Jacquie]

Perfection!!!
It was great to watch Brit-tit suffer in screen caps again after the sheer torture of watching a woman utterly incapable of combing real or fake hair for 2 months.
Love the Annie reference, and awesome Rosie poetry (too good though).