Eliminated...-tit-tit-tit

There's a song on the new Feist album called "Sealion." It's a reinterpretation of Nina Simone's "See Line Woman" that, per Feist's revision, describes a "sea lion woman." I never was able to envision exactly what that would look like until I saw this screen shot of Brit-tit-tit-tit in the peak of her freak out. I have this crazy urge to toss some fish at my screen.

Re: Yesterday - Sorry again. I did something really stupid that prevented me from having this recap prepared on time: I closed out my DVD playing program without saving my screen shots. This meant that I had to go through the episode and take them all over again. Stupid, terrible and time-consuming. And I know, I know, "Don't apologize rahrahrahrah," but really, that sucked and I hate to be late when people are expecting something, you know? Especially because two weeks ago, I ended up posting the recap late. Whatever -- just know that I'm not jerking you around and that when I can't get a recap up on time, I cry. Why must I cry?

Tell me why.

80. Brittany

Brittany responds to Jael's rather outlandish post-elimination letter stating that she would have "sacrificed herself" if Brittany were eliminated instead of her. See, now I'm all disappointed that we didn't get to see Jael impale herself on a hula hoop. Also, it could just be the angle of her head and expression of exhilarated wonder, but doesn't Brit-tit-tit-tit look like Falcor in this shot? From sea lion to winged dog, Brit's turning up the heat this time around!

81. Brittany

Jesus Christ, what to say, what to say? Even if Brittany's bumbling antics didn't put a cramp in her go-seeing, I believe she still would have cried. Probably because the words "good job" are too harsh-sounding for her sensitive ears. She's like Sam I Am. She would cry with a fox, she would cry in a box. She would cry in the rain, she would cry with Elaine.

82. Brittany

OK, lemme guess: Brit-tit-tit-tit's tit got run over by a mammography machine and now it can't remember how to be perky.

83. Brittany

And the crying over the botched go-see challenge continues. This time in front of a door. I'm so glad I get to capture this excitement.

84. Brittany

Someone wrote me last week after Brittany was eliminated, saying, "Your crying count is going to plummet!" And so it will. I'm glad she's getting it all out, though. This is probably as cathartic for her as it is for me.

85. Dionne

Here, Dionne looks like a Precious Moments figure. And really, any moment in which someone other than Brittany cries is a precious one.

86. Brittany

Did you really think she was going to leave without one last cry? I'm surprised Brian McKnight himself didn't escort her out of the lavish Australian model cage.

If you need to use the bathroom, do so now -- we have many Tyraisms to go through. On second thought, you may want to wait as some of these may provide masturbation fodder. Just saying.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"All right, now I don't want to see you lookin' like Playboy with me. It's gotta be soft and beautiful and fashion. And with our male photographer, you can do all that..."

First of all: ooh! Can they? Second of all: by the time she gets to "that," she sounds winded. Perhaps this a dance is sort of a sequel to the Lazy Hippo: the Humpy, Humpy Hippo. Third of all: masturbation fodder.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 

"Nice. Love the pride. Gorgeous!"

Eh. It'd be more gorgeous on a float.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I made a pee pee. I made a pee pee, Mommy."

What kind of fucked up urethra do you have to have to get your legs but not crotch wet after peeing yourself? JOKE DOES NOT WORK. That said, I hope this becomes a fixture like "fierce" or "so who goes home." This show needs more watersports!

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"Don't let a boy outshine you, because boys usually are the accessory in a shot."

This may very well be true, but it kind of sounds as stupid as a Pussycat Doll singing "I Don't Need a Man." I'm just wondering who's empowered at the end of the day. Fucking girl power.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"See that eye contact, Jaslene?

That is the eye contact that men love."

See this eye contact, everyone?

That is the eye contact that men fear.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6

"You did the booty tooch. The booty is the new sex accessory, and you were tooching that back and that booty to make men look back there. Even though there's not a lot there, you're still tooching it."

First of all, if the booty is the new sex accessory, what's the old one? The inside of elbows? Leather wallets? Hot dog buns? Second of all, I pretty much can figure out what "tooch" means given the context, but I looked it up on Urban Dictionary to be sure and the results are confusing. Here are the Top 3 [all sic, of course]:

1. a person who is most likely a hypocrit, an ass hole, and probably will end up bitter and with no friends later in life. Also tooches tend to point out really petty flaws in people.

2. fat motherfucker

3. pug-nosed mortgage fuck.

So, if describing Renee, we have a yes (No. 1), a no (No. 2) and a maybe (No. 3). Anyone have any idea what a "mortgage fuck" is? Sounds painful.

And speaking of pain...

1.

Turn around, trite eyes.

I love how Brittany, in one swoop, fulfilled just about every model cliche that we've come to know and love via this show. The crying, the tyranny, the lies...

...the mobile incompetence...

I mean, seriously, this shit reads like a joke: 

Q: How did the model get to the third floor.
A: She was already on it.

How often do you think shit like the elevator incident happens? I bet often. Oh, to be a cockroach on Tyra's cutting-room floor (or even a louse in her weave)!

You know, I thought before that Brittany was maybe just an awkward girl who was a bit of a pain in the ass, but mostly kind-hearted. Blaming her cab driver for her miscommunication was a bunch of shit, though (did you notice how she wisely revised her story for panel?). But then, even worse, she tried lying to us -- in her exit interview she said, "I've never been, like, the emotional person. And I don't know what made it come out here. But it shocked me and then I didn't know how to handle it." Yeah. I'm sure her catchphrase as a child wasn't, "Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" And, like Dionne pointed out, the whole short-term memory loss thing wasn't a problem at all in the original acting challenge with Pedro. Or something.

And you know you're divorced from logic and not receiving a dime in alimony when Natasha's commentary on your behavior comes off as lucid:

"I just wanna tell you that some people have war in their countries." Thanks for the civics lesson, Natasha. I never would have realized that without you. Kinda puts the whole show into perspective.

2. Continuing this thread, was this episode particularly a hotbed for stupidity or was it just me? Let's examine some quotes:

"My strategy is to be calm, cool and collective." Collective, as in, Jaslene and her nipples were working together to collectively win over the designers?

Here's another:

Dionne, in response to Tyramail: "It may have something to do, with like, aliens or something, because it says future."

Actually, it may have something to do with aliens because it mentions other planets. Aliens have always been around! They transcend time, damn it!

"Tyra's great as a photographer. She give you so many compliments that you feel yourself like a top model." I think my favorite favorite favorite Natashaism is "feel yourself/myself..." instead of just "feel." It brings a masturbatory sexiness that otherwise wouldn't be there. I love reading that shit literally, too. Like, how exactly does one feel oneself like a top model? With the shame of an awkward 11-year-old? In the manner that will burn the most calories? Not for less than $10,000 a day?

And another:

Renee: "I like doing sexy, because that's one thing I know I'm good at." I like to read this as if Renee were possessed by Natasha. "Doing sexy," ha. And you know, Renee is good at that: she does have a kid, after all. Much success in doing sexy, yeah!

And another:

Jay: "And remember, Tyra is an experienced photographer who shot the girls on America's Next Top Model in the past."

Snort.

And finally:

"We're bringin' sexy back."

Put it down, Jaslene. Put down the sexy and walk away from it slowly.

3. And speaking of Jaslene...

I really was happy for her that she won the go-see challenge. I mean, I didn't start screaming incoherently like she did, but you know, I was happy all the same. The prize, while cheap, was good, right?

Plus, before the pictures were shot, we got to see Nigel looking...aroused.

Hey, Nidge, is that a bionic boner, or are you just really happy to see the girls?

But Jaslene: what a weirdo.

When she was spying on...whomever, it was fucking creepy. Like A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge-original-VHS-box-creepy:

For reals:

I'm scared that I'm going to fall asleep in the tub and Jaslene's going to come in and cut off my pubic hair. I don't wanna be bald down there!

I just love that shot, how she's this disembodied head floating. Like a balloon...

...or a Mr(s). Potato Head...

And I love how, in the beginning of the episode, when Natasha was freaking out about being in the Top 5, Jaslene became all stern, like she's refined or some shit.

Taskmistress!

Seriously, Jaslene, who died and made you Mrs. Clause and/or Schoolteacher from Hookers at the Point?

Oh, but staying true to the Mr(s). Potato Head thing, this might be more accurate:

4. What's Dionne's problem?

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Huh? Wha?

OK, Tyra, tell me and show me.

I'm still not getting it. One more time, please.

Oh. She looks mean! I never would have gotten that, except, oh wait, I said that exactly when I did my superficial first-look-judging of this cycle's contestants! Did it really take them nine episodes to figure this out? Am I really just that good?

But whatever, Dionne's still my favorite. I thought her freeloading was nothing short of inspiring.

And I still think she's the prettiest. I guess I just like mean girls. And, maybe, ones with wonky eyes?

Dionne however, is not pretty enough to make this week's Pretty Party, which is the Blurred-Mouth-Brit-Tit-Tit-Tit Edition.

Way to let those F-bombs fly, Brit!

That concludes this week's Pretty Party.

5. How better to emphasize your pressssssssssssshusssssssssss kid then by getting into a Gollum stance when licking the back of snapshots of him to put into your portfolio?

That is so gross and cheap.

Also, I like how post-photo shoot, Renee kind of looked like Rob Zombie.

Again: that is so gross and cheap.

6.

I wanted to say
something
about this portly,
Rosie
-esque lady
But she actually seems
quite pleasant.
Crikey.

(Besides, her
reaction to Brit-tit-tit's freakout
was golden as Tyra's
shower.)

7.

Check out the crotch on that!

8. OMG, I cannot believe that Twiggy said, "The camera loves you," again this episode! That's it...

FIRE HER!

9. Finally, I was totally shocked that more wasn't made of the fact that Tyra's photos this week were of her in the "Kiss my fat ass" bathing suit.

Except, look a little closer, and there was a somewhat hidden message:

How Perez-esque! Way to reclaim your cellulite, Ty!

The other shot was even more ridiculous...

...for a close-up reveals...

Nice.

Dionne, we haven't heard from you all recap. What do you think of all this?

"You are lying!"

Ouch. She really is mean.

Comments

Loved the Freddy Krueger comments

[charmaine]

In an interview, Brit did say that she went back and did ask the driver to wait for her, but that it was edited out. I'm not surprised if that was true to be honest, what a way to make a contestant look like a fool and justify her elimination!

Best part of this post - Jaslene's balloon head. TEARS IN MY EYES.

[Nick]

You know what, Rich? Tyra doesn't care if you don't like her pee-pee joke. She was making a joke to make herself laugh. Don't say nothin' to her. If she'da shut up talking to you, don't say nothin' to her, 'cause she ain't said nothin' else to you, and you don't know her like that to be sittin' up here gettin' an attitude over nothing.

[Rayz]

OK, wow!! I have been coming to your site for a long time now, a few cycles of ANTM to be exact, but I've never posted. I've never posted on any of the blogs I visit but I just cannot contain myself any longer. I've laughed out loud at your recaps many a time, but you killed me with Jaslene!! First as Freddy and then as Schoolteacher. Do you currently reside in my head??? I was sipping tea at my desk at work and I laughed soooo out loud that I spit said tea out onto my mousepad. Marry me, please it's sooo obvious we are soulmates!

[Craig]

this recap is particularly genius

[camille]

good call on the gollum stance!! creepy.

[drcocks]

I loved Natasha's reaction to Brits fit throwing for arriving late. I thought by the look on her face she was this close to jumping up and slapping her back into reality. Priceless.

[adrian]

i'm still trying to take in the fact that you referenced what i still think is the most homoerotic movie of the last 30 years.

nightmare on elm street 2 is truly the brokeback mountain of horror movies.

also, my 15 year old sister looks exactly like jaslene. would it be wrong to make her audition for top model in three years? no? ok great.

[alex]

Dear mer:

Natasha is an American. She lives in America, identifes herself as American, and loves Americans and America. Why shouldnt she participate in ANTM?

When Nicole, a British citizen, won no one ever said a thing about her not being American. And how about Jaslene? She she be banished too becuase she is spanish and has an accent?

I am so sick of this anti russian discrimination.

[lattegirl]

You outdid yourself this time. Funniest recap to date!

[Ro Ro]

A conversation between Borat and Natasha would be priceless. Awesome recap as ever, Rich.

[eazy e]

brian mcknight. YES.

[Rich]

I think, most importantly, Natasha feels herself American.

[shannon]

oh, rich. we need to figure out a way to dump our current BFF's and run off into the sunset together. you make my ANTM world complete.
i was hoping you would comment on jaslene's "we're bringing sexy back". yikes. frightening.
also the hairless big balled rat was inspired.
what else?
hot dog buns as the new sex accessory. i called my real life BFF and was laughing when he answered the phone.
rich, you fill my heart with gladness and take away all my sadness each and every week.
even though the girls this cycle are less than stellar, i will miss it b/c of your recaps.
thanks again.
p.s. "turn around trite eyes." teeheehee.

[trite-eyes]

i'm trying to mentally inventory my mom's PRECIOUS MOMENTS collection. Did they start making PRECIOUS MOMENTS-of-COLOR- creatures? I remember that one of those friable Christian kids was drinking from a waterfountain (pre Moment-of-Color? Precious Kids Only? Or are all Children precious, etc. etc.) and the "water" spraying from the fountain was made out of the same plastic angel-hair stuff that glowed in different colors. those were great gay toys. but technically speaking: would it be a PRECIOUS MOMENTS FIGURE or a PRECIOUS MOMENTS FIGURINE? This would seem to have implications for Jaslene, who might be more of a Jasl. Brittany definitely seemed, Fbombs notwithstanding, more of a Brittanine. i'm so very grateful, Rich, that you give of your brilliance so generously, reliably, glitteringly. whatever you're sublimating, KEEP IT COMING. XOXO

[Rectilinear Propagation]

Man, I'm just glad you explained the pee-pee joke (that it was because her pant LEGS were wet).

When me and my sister watched the episode we thought she'd lost it completely. "Oh my God, she's finally lost it! Why isn't anyone wondering why Tyra's talking about pissing herself?!?"

[trite-eyes]

speaking of TurnAround TRiteEyes, why can't KIKI be a guest judge for this show? (Twiggy replacement? Would she eat the collars off of Miss J's blouse?) better yet, WHY CAN'T KIKI COMPETE? If Tyra wants Fierce, Kiki IS fierce. And Kiki's child-stories totally eclipse Renee's drooly golem drivel.

[Beth]

What happened to Jaslene's kid? Remember her whole "All American Family" with soldier dad and model mom from cycle 7? No mention of soldier dad or kid...weird.

[kk]

Rob Zombie! 11 year olds! OMG!
best recap evah!
why couldn't rob zombie be the guest judge/ photographer on the " be a dead biyutch photo shoot?"
????
I feel myself liking that idea!

[jtalia]

is this the first cycle with no girl who has "all the potential in the world?"

btw, rich, i have a present for you... click and scroll down...

http://www.fashionmodeldirectory.com/models/melrose_bickerstaff/showphoto/85088

[jtalia]

is this the first cycle with no girl who has "all the potential in the world?"

btw, rich, i have a present for you... click and scroll down...

http://www.fashionmodeldirectory.com/models/melrose_bickerstaff/showphoto/85088

[jtalia]

is this the first cycle with no girl who has "all the potential in the world?"

btw, rich, i have a present for you... click and scroll down...

http://www.fashionmodeldirectory.com/models/melrose_bickerstaff/showphoto/85088

[jtalia]

oops, sorry

[Daniel]

That riff on Jaslene's head was the shit. I'm totally gonna het fired for busting up at my desk, loudly.

[Daniel]

Ha ha. "Get."