Stuff

Y'know who's hot?

Chicken Joe.

I wanna get all Pink Flamingos on his ass.

But really, you know what I'm obsessed with (besides Riley, mermaids and gay?) -- Surf's Up! I love this movie even though it isn't even out yet because it's so fucking weird. First and foremost: penguins? Still? That's so fucking lame that it's wrapped right back around to cool (retroism zooms like lasers in the Internet age!). I'm taking a penguin with me next time I go to Bedford Avenue. Chicks will cream!

Maybe I'm as high as Chicken Joe (per his eyelids, which: nice touch, family film!), but what the fuck is with this movie? What kind of right-wing propaganda is this shit in which an arctic penguin is magically whisked away to a tropical paradise in which he not only thrives, but becomes some sort of surfing champion. See, kids? Global warming won't hurt the penguins -- it'll only provide them with fun and, most likely, get them laid (because who doesn't want to fuck a surfer?). Somewhere along the way, said penguin makes friends with a chicken and a hedgehog. Likely!

I know, I know: It's a talking-animal movie, Rich. They aren't exactly going for accurate. But isn't there like a one-variable rule when it comes to CGI fantastical animal movies (that single variable, more times than not, would be anthropomorphism)? The fact that these animals talk and scheme and bumble through at least 70 minutes of rapidly dating digitally rendered scenery is enough, no? Nemo didn't take up flying (for finding him would have been impossible). The Madagascar animals didn't take a detour to apply for jobs at the mall on their way to...wherever the fuck they went. There has to be some semblance of the preservation of natural habitats/behavior for the satire to fly. The only example that I can think of that really shits on nature's order is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and mutation's involved there, so whatever. And I know that there are penguins that live in warm climates, but to suggest that moving from the cold to tropical is no sweat just seems deceptive and, seriously, like some sort of anti-science yarn. If Surf's Up is a hit, the sequel should involve penguins traveling back to the time of dinosaurs. Laws of nature be damned again, and 4,000 B.C., here we come!

All of this is to say that from what I've gathered via Surf's Up trailer, as well as the Regal Cinemas First Look spot I've seen 5,000 times (full of fun puns like "birdbrain!"), this movie really doesn't sit well with me. For this reason, of course, I can't wait to see it. I'll take uneasiness via cinema in this P.C. day and age wherever I can find it.

Some more shit that has nothing to do with fucking anything, after the jump.

I think I'm in the throes of a Coke Zero addiction. Well, actually, I know I am because I can't stop drinking this shit and, even worse, I don't want to. I guess I realized that I had a problem about two months ago, when I'd become cross like Ramona Quimby when I couldn't get my hands on any to drink with dinner (the only place in my neighborhood that sells it is a pizza joint; I know this because I've fucking checked everywhere). I did not do the rational thing and confront my moodiness and decide that, hey, a soft drink should not be causing despair and if it is, perhaps use should be discontinued. Instead, I've just taken to buying in bulk on Sundays to stock up for the week. And that's saying nothing of lunch, which more times than not, includes two 20 oz. bottles. Today, I had a Diet Coke at lunch and it did not cut it, which prompted me to go to Duane Reade and buy Coke Zero because I NEED COKE ZERO ALWAYS. I'm becoming some weird, faggy version of Cookie Monster with body dysmorphic disorder. I'm this close to pledging my love to my sweet, chemical nectar with a disco jam called "CZ is for Coke Zero (Not Catherine Zeta, Although She's Hot)."

The thing is that I work a lot and I can't sleep as much as I should (I do need to fit in some pop-culture absorption sometimes, since all of my work depends on it!), so I need caffeine to keep me going. Or so I think. I was pretty bad with Sugarfree Red Bull throughout 2006 (averaging two a day) and I kicked that during January, a month I spent working from home. I was really proud of myself for that. And now this...

I don't know if any of this is going to change anytime soon, but I do know that at least two of my friends are just as addicted as I am. It feels like more than an aspartame dependency, too. If you are feeling this way about Coke Zero, too, please let yourself be heard. We won't judge you here.

***

Shifting gears entirely: I'm in pursuit of a movie, or perhaps movies, I saw during my childhood. It was foreign and terribly dubbed (in British accents), live-action and shot so poorly that it was blurry. It concerned a (nice?) monster who ate pictures. There was also a mean witch who had a wand with a crystal ball on top that was powerful and important, somehow. I remember a scene in which the monster stole her wand and she sang a song that must have been called "Give It To Me" because those are the only lines the song consisted of, sang in different (though equally insistent) rhythms. That song still plays in my head today. This film may or may not have also contained some sort of dog-drawn journey over a tundra, in which kids were at the mercy of two bad guys, one of whom was Ghengis Khan esque. He was sort of a cross between Rainbow Brite's nemesis Murky Dismal and a brunette viking.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I swear that I did not drop acid as a child. Not even once. Also, no: the Coke Zero is not talking. HELP!

***

I love this video (and song). It smells like hardbound chapter books from the library.

***

I really need to do a new chunk post because I have some crushes, but first, here's a dude who's hot who isn't chunky (though he is broad):

The shirtless part starts at 2:00. You'll want to forward to there. I'm never a body-over-face kind of guy, but for JackDanyells, I'd make the exception. But then again, admiring a dude who calls himself "JackDanyells" is a compromise in the first place, right?

***

And, while I'm being shallow, here is my eyebrow:

I like to make fun of my eyebrows because they look overly arched and plucked, especially from mid-range. They are, however, as you can see above, not sculpted. They're just like that. This depresses me because I think that eyebrows are the most important feature on a man's face. They're so expressive and, as such, can be an easy way to separate the lads from the Lizas (I'm not being femmephobic -- I'm taking 'bout straight Lizas, too). I wish I had thicker eyebrows, because I find them sexy, but there's nothing I can fucking do about it, except, I guess wait for every single feature on my face to start expanding, as they do in age. So by the time I'm, like, 65, I should be happy with my eyebrows. Anyway, the natural fagginess of my eyebrows combined with my utter disinterest in procreating, should stand as proof that homosexuality is at least somewhat biological. Yeah, I know, I know: gay gene, old news. But I like doing my part, redundant as it almost always is.

Comments

[Jade]

I've never tried CokeZero -- but I'm pretty addicted to CokeBlak. It's aces.

[homo]

Dude! Coke Zero fucking kicks ass. And JackDanyells is one hot bitch.

That is all.

[black_girl]

1. I was equally dismayed at that penguin movie. I think that this, coupled with happy feet has reversed all of the entertainment and educational value of "March of the Penguins"

2. My boyfriend too is addicted to Coke Zero (Cherry!). How do I make him realize he needs help? Is there some sort of internet support group?

3. When I was 13 I wanted to shave lines in my eye brows like the Daddy Mac from KrisKross, but my mom would let me so i started parting them and brushing them toward the middle (I dont' know, to be different) and over 10 years later they have never recovered.

[allie]

"cross like Ramona Quimby." omg i love you. i want you and slutmachine to be my bffs.

Coke Zero is the balls. I'm a total pusher: I've addicted my boyfriend and several co-workers to the stuff. It's far less gay than diet coke, btw. I think they're actually marketing it to straight men as an alternative to diet coke because dc is too faggy. Note the manly black can and the blocky lettering of zero.

[mariaaaaa]

Oh my gaaaaaah! I love Coke Zero!!! I'm not obsessed with it as of yet - I'm still deep into diet black cherry vanilla coke - but I always grab a bottle when I can. It is hard to find, everywhere, not just in Brooklyn. I think I love it because it tastes like what I remember Pez tasting like.

[Jennifer]

I like your random posts even better than Winston or recaps. So that's what I have to look forward to when I quit smoking finally, diet drink addiction? NOOOOO!!!

[Joe]

1. If YouTube encourages beefy men to cavort around shirtless, I'm all for it. Keep on keepin' on, YouTube. A friend turned me on to this site: www.youtubex.com today, apparently it lets you download videos from YouTube onto your iPod. Would be cool if it works.

2. COMPLETE AND TOTAL DIET COKE FREAK. I drink about 5-8 a day and, like you, Rich, completely panic when I can't find any. Also, like you, I quit smoking 2 years ago and I think we are exchanging one addiction for another. Well, actually I KNOW we are. Oh well. Also, I am an editor and spend a lot of time in front of a computer. That fuels it. I haven't gone to Coke Zero because for some reason, I loves me the Diet taste of Diet Coke. Odd.

3. Wax the brows and pencil them in arched really high in a look of permanent surprise. Instant face lift!

[Christina]

I am totally addicted to Coke Zero. It's like crack in a can. I have a case in my office just to get through the week. Viva Coke Zero!

[Dale]

Coke Zero is just wrong. Diet Coke and Diet Coke Plus are where it's at - Diet Coke Plus is even "good for you" (i.e. it has a couple of vitamins in it).

Other than the precise type of sugar free beverage you are addicted to, I feel your pain.

[Annegret]

Is your mystery film "Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters"? Sounds pretty darn trippy to me: http://www.kgordonmurray.com/f09.html

[Leanne]

Ramona Quimby.
The smell of hardbound books.
Beautifully arched eyebrows.

Rich, I know you're gay and I'm 100% supportive of that but I still have a crush on you. If we were in junior high I'd write your name in a heart on my notebook. Just sayin'.

[Rich]

I don't think it's the Red Riding Hood movie, but it's very much in that tradition. It's the same tradition as the only MST3K episode I ever became obsessed with: the Russo-Finnish fairy tale Jack Frost.

[ekar]

Damn you and your beautiful eyebrows! Why do men have to get all the pretty stuff and women have to pay to fake it? You guys all have pretty eyelashes and arched eyebrows but I need mascara, a brow pencil, and a session with my threading torturer to achieve the same 'no makeup' flawlessness that guys have. I wonder if boys are the pretty ones and if girls are just trying to look like boys? Or maybe boys are trying to get us to look like them! Sorry for the random crazy thoughts, it's been a long week.

[Lisa]

I always thought I was alone in my Coke Zero addiction! We should start a support group for this shit.
Hi, my name is Lisa, and I'm a Cherry Coke Zero-aholic.

[Hannah]

Could that film be the ever-elusive "HUGGA BUNCH MOVIE"???

http://www.crowncombo.com/articles/2006/017_hbmovie/huggabunch.html

[ladybug]

I so feel you, Rich! I'm drinking a CHERRY COKE ZERO as we speak! I haven't had liquor in 58 days. Believe me-my new addiction is Coke Zero- in a wine glass with dinner!

[ladybug]

I had a horrible reaction to that Diet Coke Plus. It was like taking vitamins on an empty stomach-blech

[Kristi]

I have wanted to try Coke Zero. Glad to know it's as delicious as I hoped. Also, if you like that retro cartoon style, you would probably like Peter Bjorn and John. You're probably already familiar with them, but they have this cute, old fashioned kind of folky sound you might not like, but the video is great.

[Rich]

Naw. I actually have a copy of the Hugga Bunch movie. I do remember the witch in that movie being similar to the witch in the movie that I'm dying for, in a bitchy-hot kinda way.

[Thomas]

1. My partner had the same reaction to Diet Coke Plus as Ladybug - ick.

2. CHUNK! CHUNK! CHUNK!

[Victoria]

Rich you must stop with the Diet Coke. I too had a similair addiction but I quit because Diet drinks make you fat. Actually they bloat your stomach and intestines and can ad inches to your waist. After I quit and just drank moderate amounts of regular Coke I lost 2 inches off my waist in a week!

Hugga Bunch big faces like moon, will not miss!

[josie]

Holy crap, Jack Frost is the greatest episode of MST3K of all time.

I think I just fell more in love with you. Why are the good ones gay and taken?

[WC]

I too become cross when the local shady convenience store has no Coke Zero and/or Cherry Coke Zero. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?

I too feel the need for CZ.

Something about it's seductive black packaging drives me wild. And the TASTE! OMG. I used to be all "just-for-the-taste-of-it-diet-coke" but CZ tastes great, has a richer, less watered down flavour, AND produces more impressive belches. DOH.

[WC]

OMG, how embarrasing. I totally meant "its", not "it's".

Rich, for some reason I find myself wondering whether you dig Brock Masters?