Envy me

I like to think that I'm mostly immune to the celebrity-sighting phenomenon, that there's no one person who could truly make me lose my shit. Sure, it's novel to spot a star and it happens often enough when you live in New York, but, generally speaking, it takes more than presence to impress me. I'd rather have a conversation than just gawk at someone, and I'm not the type to be knocked speechless, anyway. On top of that, I'm not the type to be intrusive. Keith from Project Runway 3 works out at my gym and though I've seen him in the locker room many times, I've never even thought to look at his penis. Ditto on Jaleel White. I saw Sarah Silverman, someone that I genuinely admire, last month on St. Marks and 2nd wearing raver jeans and walking with some old guy and I barely batted and eye. I didn't even Gawker stalk her or anything (her boyfriend would be thrilled, no doubt).

My world was rocked utterly and jarringly Friday afternoon when I had the single best celebrity sighting in the history of celebrity sightings. Seriously, it's better than your best. It's even better than any scenario I could think of. It's better than Whitney Houston snot-rocketing coke boogers at me. It's better than Mariah Carey in the parking lot of a Jersey FYE with a banged-up Hello Kitty boom box, ranting. It's better than Michael Jackson. It's better than La Toya Jackson. It's better than Blanket Jackson. It's better than Tyra Banks with vagina arms, shoulders, knees and toes. It's better than the Olsen twins standing on the shoulders of the Nelson twins standing on the shoulders of Tia and Tamara from Sister, Sister standing on the shoulders of whatevertheirnamesare/were from Double Trouble standing on the shoulders of Lindsay Lohan and herself standing on the shoulders of Hayley Mills and herself standing on the shoulders of Bette Midler and Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin and Lily Tomlin in some fairly tasteless formation they collectively like to call the twins tower.

Ladies and gentlemen, on Friday afternoon, I saw...

...the Schappell twins.

Jealous?

I left work a little early on Friday (yay, summer hours!) and I figured that I'd put the extra time to good use by hitting up the 41st St. New York Sports Club. That one, by the way, is not my location of choice as it's absurdly crowded during post-work hours (for real: how are you gonna make me wait on line for, like, 10 minutes for a treadmill? For a treadmill?!? What kind of fucking reward is that? It's like waiting in line to have my balls snapped in a mousetrap. Like, gee, thanks! That was so worth it), but I figured it wouldn't be crowded since it was still during most people's work hours (I was wrong, btw). Since I come from 44th St. and Broadway, whenever I go to that location, I'll usually cut through the block-wide McDonaldsaurus that hulks in the middle of 42nd between 7th and 8th and has a 41st St. exit. I don't need the extra walking, silly, I'm going to the gym! Also, I walk through an obese version of a major player in America's weight problem en route to my workout because I enjoy the sweet, fried smell of irony.

I walked in and I saw Lori and Reba Schappell standing near, but not yet at, the counter. Of McDonalds. In Times Square. It was maybe 4:10, so it wasn't crowded by any stretch, but the people who were around seemed completely unfazed by the conjoined twins of varying stature in the vicinity. There was a worker hovering about seven feet away from them, but even she had an expression that read, "I work near a fry vat. I have seen freaks. Yawn." Meanwhile, big, bad me, Mr. Unimpressed by Fame started shaking uncontrollably. I'm not going to pretend like I'm not amazed by the immediate fact that they're two different people attached at the head making their way through the world. It's an understatement to say that you don't see shit like that everyday. But I also really have enjoyed these particular conjoined twins thanks to countless documentaries and Jerry Springer appearances. I love their personalities. I love how matter-of-fact about their situation they are (here's some proof). I love how otherwise brusque they are. I love that Reba (née Dori), the one who sits in the chair because she has spina bifida, is so named because she idolizes Reba McEntire. I don't have much use for Reba McEntire, myself, but I kind of love people who love her. (Note that their Wikipedia page, linked above, says that Reba has gone on to change her name to George, but I think that's just made up or wishful thinking for further adventures in Schappell-twin awesomeness.)

So I was standing there watching them wait and I decided that I'd do what anyone confronted with greatness would do: bust out my phone and start documenting this once-in-a-life encounter.

You can click on the images to enlarge, though some are blurrier than others thanks to my fag-out-induced spasms. After taking these, I called slutmachine, who is a much, much bigger fan of the Schappell twins than I am. She, in fact, is the one who introduced me to them in college via this 90-minute Discovery Channel documentary that ended with Reba (George?) performing the Reba McEntire song "The Fear of Being Alone." Apparently, Reba (George?) Schappell digs irony, too. If she didn't already have one, she and I would totally be twins.

slutmachine answered and I said, "Lori and Dori are at the 42nd St. McDonalds." She howled. "What are they doing?" "They bought ice cream. The taller one got a hot-fudge sundae, and Reba (George?) got a cone." I honestly don't remember what else we talked about, as my whole perception took on a strobe-y, Nitrous-like haze. Yo, that Schappell shit fuuuuuucks you up! I know that sm asked me if I talked to them ("No! What could I say?!?") and I know that I asked her what the taller one's name was because I was so jarred by seeing them that I totally forgot. I'm also sure that I talked to sm for a few minutes, but by the time I got off the phone, the Schappells still weren't out of the McDonalds. They move slowly, which: fair enough.

They finally got outside, into better lighting and an even clearer view. I took another picture.

I was going to crop this but I decided against it to show you that still no one was really fazed by them. That WASPy family in the background didn't even give themselves a chance to be over it!

After I took that picture, I started to feel kind of bad. Taking stealth pictures on my phone has become a hobby thanks to the decent quality of shots I can get. As far as I can tell, no one has ever caught me taking a picture of them -- when I hold up my Treo to take it, it just looks like I'm looking at the screen. It's wonderful -- I never had Spy Gear as a kid, so I'm living out a lifelong consumer fantasy. But in this case, I felt like I was giving the twins a sort of freak-show treatment, and not the celebrity freak-show treatment, but like, freak show freak show treatment. The least I could do was say hi. They are, after all, people.

So I did. I walked forward and since Reba (George?) was the one facing me, I talked to her. She's also the more outgoing of the two, according to the documentary I'm most familiar with, so: score. "Reba, I'm such a big fan of yours," I said. It's not exactly true, but it's close enough. "Thannnnks," she said, kind of shrugging and looking off to her right, like she was trying to displace the attention via telekinesis. "I'm a big fan of yours, too..." I started to say to her sister's back and then forgot what slutmachine had told me literally three minutes ago regarding her name. "...uh, Lori? Or is it Dori?" "It's Lori!" she answered and brusquely as I'd expect. "You guys are total inspirations," I added. This is so trite, but I really wanted to express my appreciation as simply as possible. Plus, it is ultimately true -- next time you bitch about how hard it is to get up for work on Mondays, think of them. "Thannnnks," Reba (George?) said, getting Carrie-joins-the-A-list on my ass all over again. I really wanted a close-up picture of them, or even better, one of us all together, but I didn't even know how to go about doing that (first of all, where would I stand?), and I also know that being stared at for the past 46 years has made them sort of wary of strangers (there's a great part in the documentary I keep referencing in which they're at some flea market type of thing in Union Square and someone says something to them from slightly afar about how awesome they are and Reba [George?] says, "We're just goin' around. Buyin' things."). I know that they're constantly reminded of their otherness, but I didn't really want to have any direct part in that. So, no picture of all of us, sadly. Also, having had my mind knocked on its ass from the mere sight of them, I lost all sense and any journalistic inclination I might posses. I didn't ask them any questions (the most obvious of which: "What the hell are you doing here?"). I ended our brief conversation with, "Have a good day!" only to be met with a third, "Thannnnks." With that, I turned away and continued on my trek to the gym.

I guess the lesson here is that when you're a Schappell twin, it takes a lot to impress you. Clearly, I am not worthy.

A potentially depressing post script to this story arrives in the form of a comment on this YouTube video of the twins. summerbabyx0x writes: "I saw them while I was walking in NYC yesterday. They were begging for change." Maybe they wanted more ice cream? Could someone please hire them, like, now?

Comments

[Nino Noir]

That's awesome. I always think that I can carry on a conversation without getting all star-struck 'n' stuff. But then I met Kim Crosby-- well, I all I could say was "God I love your work!" and "Can you sign this?" (my CD of Into the Woods, original cast).

Yarg!

[bryce]

That totally beats the time I saw Tonya Harding at the mall in Portland.

[pam]

Oh my...do you suppose they were in town to serve as a special limited-run exhibit at the newly opened Ripley's Museum next door?

[theodora]

i've only ever seen them on "nip/tuck," but they were fantastic.

[Tanith]

That's really disturbing about the panhandling.

I'm very much hoping that it was post-post-modern subversive performance art aimed at critically literalizing their social position as marginal "others" that are automatically reduced to spectacle.

With Reba's health condition on top of the obvious, though, I fear that they probably struggle to get by. What will happen when they're old?

Jerry Springer should ante up and start a private "fund" from his Barnum-and-Bailey millions to insure their basic comforts. It's the least he can do for exploiting their uniqueness. I've always wondered why there isn't more backlash against him as a kind of evil ringmaster of the abject. Bitch should clean up his ethical Big Tent by sharing with Reba and Lori.

[rose]

i grew up in reading, pa, close to where they did and i used to see them at the mall now and then. i almost shit myself i saw them for the first time on tv. reba/george will always be dori to me.

[jelodi97]

I remember reading somewhere that back in the day, circus "freaks" used to make a pretty good living at charging people to come stare at them, but with the advent of modern medicine and the realization that physical deformities have nothing to do with one's worth as a human being, the freaks lost what had been a good job. I had no idea that they lived in NY though.

I once saw Kwai Chang Kane(Kung Fu's David Carridine) in a leather jacket in 90 degree weather in Austin. He looked way more freakish in that get-up than Lori and Reba-George *ever* did.

BTW, love the banner. I can hear Roy Scheider mutter "Why don't you come down here and chum some of this shit.", with that Pall Mall clenched between his teeth.

[Leanne]

They had a good article a few years back in (I think) either the NY Times or Newsweek. The interviewer followed them around and at first talked about how independent they were, but then mentioned how some things because of their condition were suffering (ex. slightly shabby kept house, puppy couldn't always be walked so the house smelled slightly like urine because of the puppy pads.) I hope the panhandling thing was a joke.

I totally blank when it comes to meeting celebrities in NYC. Some I don't care enough to say anything, but Tim Robbins walked by and I just blurted out "Thank you for the Shawshank Redemption!" He actually looked grateful I said something.

I would have just said to them "You guys were great in Nip/Tuck" and skipped the name thing. Love the build up before revealing who the mystery guest was Rich! A tower of twins!

P.S. Where's the info on the Pride March? I was there and I want to see drag queens!

[me and mine]

i sold simon cowell a ps3 yesterday!!!!! It was like meeting a legend.

[LaSexorcisto]

We all know Keith from PR3 has a tiny dick (which is why he compensates with that ridiculous ego) so, no need to peek. Urkell, maybe a different story...

I have fondness for the twins, especially the one that tried to pursue a country singing career. It'd be very saddening if the YouTube comment about begging for change is true.

[Penny]

They are from my hometown and my mom is good friends with them still I'm shocked everytime I see them.

[Penny]

They are from my hometown and my mom is good friends with them still I'm shocked everytime I see them.

[spazmo]

Heh, imagine if, while walking away, you heard the twins mutter "Psst, did you catch the gaybrow on that bald dude?"
And the other one was like "I KNOW! It was all I could do not to stare!"

[jt]

when i saw beyonce outside a hotel in san francisco my knees gave out, and i fell on my ass in front of her. her smile was like a ray sunshine of happiness that brightend the rest of the week though. my friend showed me the clip of michelle falling on her ass on 106 and Park the next say, and i realized that after all this time, michelle still gets starstruck by being in beyonce's presence, and i felt less stupid

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UNFzNM6TaLw

[bex]

JALEEL WHITE WORKS OUT AT YOUR GYM AND YOU'VE NEVER SHARED THIS WITH ME?

I am clearly going to the wrong branch of our gym at the wrong times.

[Leila]

You didn't check out Stefan Urquell's package? Truly, your restraint is amazing.

[Leanne]

Rich, majority rules. Check out Urkel's package, then come back and report. Gay, straight, whatever, I WANT TO KNOW!

[mer]

I love how even though Reba/George has a terrible voice she just keeps on singing because it is what she loves to do. Keep livin' the American Dream, girl!

[Scott]

I saw them at that same McDonald's on Thursday!
I told my friends about it, and now I have your post as proof! Thank you.
(I work out at NYSC on 41st St. -- let me know if you ever need a spot.)

[finding the filth]

oh my god! i've seen them too!!

it was years and years ago, shortly after i saw them on some chat show, like jerry springer or donahue, or something. they were coming up avenue A, crossing 2nd street. and they passed right by me. it took every last bit of manners not to turn and gape. not so much at their different-ness, as the fact that i had just seen them on tv, and there they were right in front of me.

i tried telling my friends about it at the time, but they had no idea who i was talking about and made me feel like an ass for getting jazzed over the disabled. thank you for sharing in the delight. i feel better now.

[finding the filth]

ps - add me to the list of those who would appreciate a sneak shot of urkel's ween. i mean, come on!

[Tootie]

Holy Shit! I live right near there and I didn't see them? They are my favorite conjoined twins of all time. And yes, Reba is now going by the name of George- she likes to take on a persona of a young boy and Lori pretends to be the mom. I saw it on an updated documentary on TLC. I am so jealous of you for seeing them!!!!

[Joe]

I empathize with the Schappell twins because I totally know what it's like to be told you are an inspiration constantly. Everywhere I go, it's like "You are my hero." I'm all, "I get it. Now move so I can get my Taco Bell." I have to see this documentary - does it tell you the things you really want to know, like how they get dressed (seriously, how do they get shirts on?) or go to the bathroom or anything, really.

You didn't fag out on Sarah Silverman? I totally would have - "Now, they're FLOOR glasses!" Keith from PR3 most definitely has a tiny ween, who doesn't realize that? I'm thinking Urkell is medium, though could be a grower. You know, like surprise you.

[caffeine72]

I lived in Nashville not too long ago, and sometimes I would get yelled at by the little person from Gummo (who had the creepiest scene ever with Harmony Korine) while he was hanging out in front of the drive-through beer store at 12th and Wedgewood and I was witing to turn left. I never heard what he was saying, but I'm pretty sure that it was some sort of curse, because those were always my worst days.

[Daniel Renzi]

But the question is, if you saw the Schappell twins at the gym, what would you do?

I would look at their package, I don't know if you would.