Pageant queens

Hey everyone, guess what I'm doing for Pride!

Get your head out of the gimp mask -- I'm not really doing anything with leather except critiquing a documentary that's wrapped in it. Mr. Leather was released on DVD last month. It chronicles the crowning of Mr. L.A. Leather 2003. I'm guessing that means that it either sat around for years waiting for a distributor or its director Jason Garrett is just really slow. It might be a mixture of the two -- that would explain, at least, why it's as bad as it is.

I should confess up front that I'm not into leather at all. However, I certainly don't begrudge those who are. Whatever gets you off gets you off -- just keep my name out your mouth and your fist out my ass. I won't be needing any Crisco, thanks. It would seem that, as a fetish-based community, leather men are defined mostly by their pursuit and execution of fun (in this case, obviously, "fun" means "sex"). I'm not mad at them for that, either. A lot of gay-male stereotypes really bug me, but that of the ultra-sexual gay man doesn't. Ultimately, it's like, hell yeah we fuck a lot. Jealous? Anyay, you would think (or at least, I did think) that, by extension, any pageant celebrating leather men would be light and silly. If the idea of grown men appearing in a beauty pageant isn't absurd enough, that they have such a limited palate from which to choose for showcasing their "beauty" (it basically comes down to black and, uh, leather) should bring it totally over-the-top, like the butch brother of a drag ball. You'd think that it'd just amount to some kitschy mindless fun, right?

Wrong. Mr. Leather's primary service is to pummel you with the self-importance of its subjects. The participants in the Mr. L.A. Leather 2003 pageant all hold lesser titles (Mr. Los Angeles Leather Bear, Faultline Mr. Leather, Mr. Regiment, etc.). "I'm Mister Sister 2003. I can do a lot with that title," says one of them. To that, I say: O RLY? That guy's sentiment is echoed by virtually every other participant in the Mr. L.A. Leather 2003 pageant. As the guys talk about their collective aspiration to take home top prize, there's much ado about how the title would allow them to represent the leather community. But to whom? Each other? Certainly, last I checked my local leather ambassador wasn't doing shit but cruising in the shadows of the Eagle.

Guy Baldwin, who's identified as a "leather expert" and whose speech is so haughtily affected that he might as well be flogging up and down my spine every time he opens his damn mouth, explains that "being public about diversity encourages growth in our general consciousness about human sexuality." The reasoning behind his point is that fetish-based sexuality gets a bum rap -- some people are into girls, some are into boys, some are into both, and some are into people in leather. This does not make them worthy of derision. I'm not sure exactly what a tiara and a title can do to convince people to be accepting, but I know that if the ultimate function of Mr L.A. Leather is to merely show outsiders that leather fetishists exist, he's then as potentially effective as a guy in the middle of the street saying, "I'm here. I'm alternatively queer. Get used to it." Nothing wrong with small-scale nobility, but it's probably not enough to prompt people start sucking each others dicks over the accomplishment.

The worst permutation of self-importance comes from Mr. L.A. Leather 2002, who's totally high and mighty about the title he's about to give up. "This is not a beauty pageant," he says.

Well, it is and it isn't, if you know what I mean.

For all the civic duty that the winner supposedly assumes, there's a distinct air of superficiality all over the pageant. But of course there is: it's a fucking pageant. The pre-pageant interview session includes questions on which judge the contestant would fuck. During the pageant, one of them is asked about testing rectal freshness. When the contestants are introduced during some round (really: it's alllllll evening wear), a list of their sexual interests is read (example: "Chris is a top and bottom into rubber, outdoor, tit trips, group sex, P.A.'s, oil and having sex with a hot stud on a military base."). With things so sexualized, I really don't understand how these people could go on to perform any duty other than oral sex.

Everyone seems so seduced by the importance of it all, with the exception of this guy:

Chris Woods is by far the most vapid of all the contestants and (mind-blowingly) he's the most likable, as a result. He's the only one who seems attuned (however inadvertently) to how silly and superficial the whole thing is. He's the only one who has an unmistakable sense of humor:

(Full disclosure: there's an extra on the DVD that chronicles one of his gym workouts. During the course, he totally gags over this chunky guy. That's when he really won me over.)

The humorlessness is such a problem, really, because no one seems willing or able to acknowledge how ridiculous this whole spectacle is. A lack of self-awareness is so detrimental in a situation like this because humility is humanizing. Let's face it: in the grand scheme of the world, a leather beauty pageant for men isn't important. It's just diversion. There's nothing wrong with that, just like there's nothing monumental about it. It seems that these people, who feel doubly disenfranchised for being gay and into leather, are fighting for anything to signify their mark on the world while simultaneously claiming that that mark is massive. It's a contradiction on the scale of, say, the concept of "hyper-masculinity," which Guy Baldwin attributes to the leather community. Isn't the fuck-it attitude the hot thing about masculinity? Doesn't "hyper" imply effort, which in turn implies that people are butching themselves up? Caring about appearances isn't very masculine at all. You know, last I checked, peacocks looked pretty fucking faggy.

Ultimately, I know that Mr. Leather illustrates these men's need to feel important (one contestant explains that winning his title that led up to his participation in Mr. L.A. Leather "was such a feeling of vindication, was such a feeling of acceptance"). It's pushing back at a world that's pushed them down. I get that because I'm gay, too. But the views expressed over the course of Mr. Leather just ring false to me again and again. Pride is all about being happy about yourself, but that requires being honest about yourself and your contribution to the world. Investing so much in a pageant like this is like patting yourself on the back and feeling superior about your form. It makes about as much sense as being gay and taking pride in your high sperm count.

The most unfortunate thing about the film is that nowhere is there an alternative explanation or counterpoint like there is in the infinitely superior Paris Is Burning. I've mentioned this clip before because it speaks to me so strongly. We create worlds for ourselves as a way of micromanaging the unmanageable universe. Even if we aren't important in the grand scheme of things, we can be important in our man-made small ponds. It's crucial to stay aware of this because, primarily, it keeps us from looking like assholes. The men of Mr. Leather seem unaware. Their heads are up their asses. Is that some kind of fetish thing, too?

Comments

[slut machine]

first? omg! now i'm gay.

[shannon]

Rich, I saw this when Gabriel from ModFab was in town and it really is ridculous. Come on, it's a beauty pageant, everyone! The singing of the national anthem before every event really got me too. Also the fact that I couldn't figure out the difference between a fisting top and a fisting bottom was for like five minutes got me lots of "Aww, you poor little straight girl" looks from around the room. But why can't you just say fister or fistee, chunky leather boy? And the guy who's tied up in the complicated slipknot just to hang there? What's the point of that? It is a little unsatisfying as far as exploring the hilarity of the situation, but the unintentional hilarity is almost as good. Oh, and the guy struggling with the S&M fantasy with the judges? Hilarious! "I would... lick... his cock... and... cock..."

[joe-back mountain]

Thanks for the heads up on the doc. The whole hyper masculine thing scares me. I wonder who would win in a fight though...Pepper LaBeija or Mr Leather 2002? The house of Ninja can referee.

[snaillady2]

Okay, aside from needing a big 'ol NSFW sign, thanks again, Rich, for reviewing the things I never thought I needed reviewing. I find it fascinating that there would be a documentary on Leather Men, and had I heard about it, I would have thought that it was something about the historical accuracy of the Texas Chain Saw massacre.

Leather men, leather face, I'm just a poor straight white girl like shannon.

Somehow, though, I'm intrigued. When are we going to get a review of Orgasmo? Or Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? I would really be interested in reading your reviews--often more insightful than the movie itself!

Aside: when I lived in Utah, there was an SUV in my neighborhood with a gay pride sticker in the window, a Utah license plate that said, "PRSCILLA" and a vanity surround that said, "Queen of the Deseret". Loved it.

[DonnyB]

I saw this movie, too, and one of my favorite parts was when the one guy did a spin on the catwalk during the pageant. Someone else was like "Don't ever do that again!" as if it was some monumental mistake, as if a little twirl was too...faggy?...for a bunch of men fighting for a sash around their shoulders. Hilarious and confusing.

[scorzi]

Rich, I will be at NYC Pride representing my gay moms! After last year's parade I saw two men (of the furry chest persuasion) walking and holding hands. Asked a few questions about the "bears" and "leather" stuff. It was so surreal because they were really down to earth and so excited to share their info. I don't know how homophobes can resist being captivated by gay men. "Yes I AM wearing women's clothing! And it was on SALE!" I love the total joy of it....yeah Pride!!!

[PopMuse.com]

amazing review. these films keep popping up too, now there is one on a bear pagent.

http://myspace.com/bearsthemovie

After "Paris is Burning", it is nearly impossible to make a watchable documentary about another gay subculture, but the kids keep trying.

[Justin]

Sooooooooo true. Thanks for breaking this down in your usual funny way. I wonder what aliens would think of the human race if they landed on Earth and witnessed a pageant like this...

[AntBee]

Leather queens are the faggiest fags who ever fagged! Most of them, when they open their mouths, a purse would fall out (leather of course).
"What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps more women from getting pregnant? Men's legs."
I'm sure there are a lot that are leather clad.

[AP]

Not your best review.

[Joe]

Oh my God, remember when they had the Mr. America pageant on TV years ago? I wonder why that never took off... I remember it being totally gay and I mean that both figuratively and literally. At the same time!

International Male Leather is held every year in Chicago, in the Palmer House of all places. It's a hotel that's like tourist central in the heart of the Loop. Families from all over the Midwest rooming with men in leashes and gimp masks. Every year I hang out downtown and try and find any leather men that I'd hit if given the chance and always come up snake eyes - they never look like the leather dudes in porn. Sidenote - porn stars are SHORT. All of them. I guess it makes the wenis look larger. I'm on a bored-at-work tangent in your comments section, make me stop. Lastly, I love the people who comment simply, "Not your best review". Rich, I truly hope you've learned to live their disappointment.

[Ross]

AP -

Not your best review of Rich's reviews.

[Steve]

that whole "get your fist out of my ass" comment made me laugh...

I am not turned on by fisting whatsoever, despite the fact that I am completely turned on by the leather scene...

But after a fiasco involving crisco, some crystal meth, a fist virgin (him a bottom, me the 'expert' top), two hours of total boredom and what could only be called the world's first period out of a man's ass... never again...

I could only imagine the look of sheer horror had you been the fly on THAT wall Rich LOL

[Rich fan]

Rich, you should teach sociology. I found your analysis quite interesting.

BTW, the next time I get in a fight or am the subject of gossip, I'm using "just keep my name out your mouth and your fist out my ass!"

[yo]

Thank you for enlightening me with this review, Rich. I guess I have never really thought anything about the leather community and am fascinated by this little subculture.

I am curious (please don't laugh at me) how does one test rectal freshness? I mean, are there a lot of different ways?

[Gyn]

Informative and funny as usual.

Great job, Rich.

[Casseeeeeeeeee]

Can somebody please tell me what "tit trips" are? It wasn't in the urban dictionary, and a google search just revealed lots of porn.

[spazmo]

Great review, Rich. I have the same reaction to leathermen; mild fascination tinged with pity and frustration. Swaddling yourself in cowhide does NOT make one beefy!

Although, in my (limited) experience, I find them to be delightfully fun drunks.
Could just be the poppers talking, though.

Last weekend I found myself playing poker (not a euphemism) with a guy who looks just like you, Rich. Spitting fucking image.
He was a funny bugger, too. He also beat the pants off of me. Oddly, I didn't much mind.

[Brandon]

Caseeeeeeeeeeeeee:

Tit tripping is incredibly intense nipple play - and torture - to the point of hallucination.

[Brandon H]

I'm heading out of town, but I'm definately going to come back and comment on this. Great observation. See you Sunday!

[Ben]

Rich-

Fantastic review. I think you nailed it when you addressed the concept of "hyper-masculinity." There is nothing inherently masculine in mimicking masculinity, especially when it's such a cartoonish form of masculinity. How else are these guys evaluated in their manliness besides their leather outfits and sex fetishes? The trouble is that most truly masculine traits are totally intangible.

[John]

You nailed it, Rich. A terrific and insightful review. It's amazing how insular the members of the leather community can be and their mortifying lack of perspective, um...not funny and most definitely not hot.

[Neil]

You totally should run for Mr. Metrocub 2008 at the Gay and Lesbian Center. Fancy, no?

I'm gonna work up some bullet points, dance moves, and costume suggestions to help you kick off your leather pageantry career.

Dream the dream, Rich. Dream the dream!

[Nick]

Leather kinda creeps me out...I'm not gonna lie. I completely echo your sentiments of "keep your fist outta my ass", Rich.
Ew.
No adult diapers for this homo!

As for this:
"A lot of gay-male stereotypes really bug me, but that of the ultra-sexual gay man doesn't. Ultimately, it's like, hell yeah we fuck a lot. Jealous?"

Thats hot.
I'm always amazed when people act like its "shocking" how sexual (and active) gay men tend to be! I mean...seriously people!

Girls will tell you...in most heterosexual relationships, its the guy who initiates most of the sex. Why? Because guys are horny freaking animals! Put two horny animals together...what the hell do they think will happen? Sex sex sex sex dirty-sweaty-sex!

Man...

[valski]

Please forgive me, but what is a "PA"?