The death of consumerism?

Part of me wonders if what I'm about to post is totally boring. It's not just that what I'm about to profile could be a common reality for people all over the country (I certainly haven't traveled malls of the U.S., but this is at least like nothing you see in New York, so it's at least curious to my immediate POV). More than that: I wonder if people care about the insanely, trashy state of South Jersey as much as I do. My interest in my homeland has been detailed repeatedly here. At this point, I'm not sure what's informing what -- did my New Jersey upbringing foster my interest in trash, or is my interest in trash the reason for my continued obsession with where I grew up. I may never know the answer to this chicken-or-the-egg-salad debate.

There's nowhere on earth that I've ever been in my life that's been as simultaneously trashy and well-lit as the Shore Mall. Clogging a pore in the armpit of the U.S., not 10 miles offshore of Atlantic City, the Shore Mall is like a time capsule to 1991 in terms of its decor, patrons' fashion and apparent recession. It's what would happen if Dawn of the Dead didn't take place in the mall but was a mall. It will eat your brains. The most high-end boutiques are KB Toys and Foot Locker. There is no music store or book store. There used to be both -- the one-floor mall was never exactly thriving, but for a time (up till around 1988 when a bigger mall opened about five miles away), the Shore Mall was the mall of our area. Twenty years later, it's practically begging to be put down. The only way to do this, of course, would be to shoot it in the head and I'm not sure where that's located.

Perhaps in the fountain?

You know, the one with the fucking roaches?

Roaches! 

And don't give me that "water bugs" shit! Water bugs are nothing but huge roaches. I'm a bug scientist, I know. Anything that's brown and shiny and would crawl over you for food is a roach. And even if water bugs are not roaches, I don't want either. I'm seriously this close to being phobic of anything that's dark brown and has a shell. It almost makes me gag to think about them and their various sizes and terrible, terrible robotic, roving antennae. And those legs that look like they could crawl off and wiggle their way into your brain via your ears. Anyway, you can imagine my dismay when I realized a fucking hoard of them bobbing where pennies would be in classier establishments. That's when I decided the Shore Mall warranted a post.

I'm not sure, really, why anyone goes to the Shore Mall. Aside from a decent sneaker store (I bought a pair of Nikes there in the spring that I still wear many times a week), it's full of tchotchkes and non-collectible collectibles. There's a Deb shop, so...uh, yeah: I'm not sure, really, why anyone goes to the Shore Mall. I can't imagine the utterance of this sentence, "I need to go to the Shore Mall to get...", unless it ended with "...scabies." However inexplicable, people do go and so, it always has this kind of a weird, porno shop vibe minus the smut, if you can imagine what that's like. No one says much or makes eye contact unless they're, you know, masturbating in your direction. Kidding! (But really: no one says much or makes eye contact.)

So much uncertainty. Like I said, I don't know if this will be boring. Additionally, I don't know if it's really sad or really funny. It kind of makes me feel a lot of things, which come to think of it, is a pretty impressive feat for a mall in New Jersey.

I do know however, that a building is at a very dire point when it's home to a fountain wherein mildew is a welcome alternative to what lies above it.

Seriously, is this like Grey Gardens for Pinies who aspire to one day spend money on something?

Upon entering one end of the Shore Mall, you are greeted with boxes.

Who wouldn't want to buy giant appliances in boxes? There's nothing like that warehouse feeling to really pump up shoppers' interest. The awesome thing is that you know up front that you're not just buying a dryer -- you're also getting a shed. Or maybe a pool house, depending on how well you work with cardboard.

I don't so much lament the chipping paint as much as I celebrate the achievement of spotting seven working light bulbs in a row.

I love how this series of mirrors distorts things into abstraction. It's as though it's too polite to actually reflect the truth. It's like the equivalent of your friend just smiling and shaking her head slightly when you ask if you look fat in your outfit.

Yeah, something tells me: not so much.

That sign is mocking that abandoned store. Mocking it, I tell you!

And speaking of signs:

The Calypso is a store run by white hippies that features, as you can see in the background, handmade dolphin tables and prints of cranes and incense burners and sun catchers and wind chimes and those weird Mr. Wizard-esque light-up design things that you'd find at Spencer Gifts (which also used to and is now no longer located in the Shore Mall. You know it's an eternity of hot dogs for dinner when Spencer Gifts jumps ship). Alternately, I like to think of the Calypso as a state of mind. In that case, you know I'm bringing my shopping cart! But really I had an urge to pop my head in after reading this and say, "No food, mon? Not even bah-nah-nah?" I didn't, though.

It's a fest. A regular fest consisting of three different places to eat. To be totally fair, the pizza there is pretty fucking awesome. And, because this post has been so appetizing so far, I'm sure you'll rush to South Jersey to get a slice. Tell 'em I sent you! Try not to get gay-bashed by proxy! It's a game I'm setting you up for, really.

This makes me feel like my soul is as empty as my wallet. Alternately, I have the urge to change a baby's diaper.

Right, because you know what's the first thing I think of when I think of elegance? Buckles. And right after that: body jewelry. And right after that? Personalized name belts. Their sign is all out of order, LOL!

And now we've come to the portion of our tour that I'd like to call the stuffed-animals-in-seats portion.

At first, it seems like the animals are demonstrating how the chairs are used. ("Yeh seet in eet? Git ooooowt!")

But then, it becomes clear...

,,,these are deterrents for whatever ass-resting terrorists might be on the premises. Like, really man-whom-I-never-talked-to-but-certainly-smelled-who's-selling-this-shit: if people are in the Shore Mall, they're probably down and out enough. Now you're gonna deny them a place to sit? What's next, e coli- tainted Velveeta?

It should be noted that this portion of the tour is part of a bigger exhibit.

That's right, it's essentially a garage sale (I'd say "flea market," but the fleas are all, "Uh, we'll pass. We saw what happened to the roaches"). Nothing too exciting here, except for this:

So my boyfriend and I are staring at this thing like, "Who the fag?" and this sassy, big-butted woman passes by and senses that we're in the throes of bewilderment. She explains that Cameron Mathison is on All My Children and that she loves him. "Aren't you going to buy this?" I asked. "Too expensive," she said. I think that's a tragedy for every single person involved, including Cameron and, like, the guy who came up with the formula for the glue on the back of that price tag.

So, if you're keeping score: no bookstore, no music store, no nice clothes to speak of, no real restaurants. But you know what the Shore Mall does have?

A police station. I love the town-hall table in front. What the hell are they going to do? Motion you into submission?

And finally, we arrive back where we started. On my way out, I spotted these people (whose faces I blurred lest people get all fucking worked up about me taking pictures of strangers even though it's part of my fucking shtick and totally legal and not ever hostile and you must not know 'bout me you must not know 'bout me and and and...):

Apparently, no stuffed animals warded them off. And so, if you take anything away from this tour of the Shore Mall, please take away that in a nation that can't stop moving, it's a fine place to take a seat. Well, take away that, and the roaches.

Update: Here's a bit more info on the Shore Mall via deadmalls, a site whose existence I knew nothing of until Maura blessed me with knowledge. 

Comments

[Daniel]

You know, I've been in many a mall like this, and every time I walk thru one, my head is just bursting with so many fucked-up, funny, evil little observations that I just wish I could share with someone. Bless you for thinking like me, but better.

NOT boring.

[bg]

I think this an awesome post and makes this blog even more awesome. I remember some art thang at PS1 a few years back where a photographer had taken striking photos of abandoned malls. I love this stuff. Makes me glad I was raised in a city.

[slut machine]

I forgot about this before, but remember when we went to the Shore Mall to go to Chi Chis? It was all boarded up. I was so sad. And hungry.

[carrie]

thank u for making me laugh

[Chavon]

Cracking up. I haven't been there in years!

[Anne]

Okay, I'm confused and disgusted...did they intentionally PUT roaches in a fountain?! I mean, how did they get in there, are there no janitors, or did they think roaches in a fountain was a good idea?! Seriously icky.

[Andrea]

Yep, we have that up here in Canada too. Except for the roaches part. at least I don't think we do, I haven't checked out dead malls in Toronto...

[TraderZed]

That must be the greatest mall in all the land. Seriously thinking about roadtripping to it hahah

Andrea, I'm tempted to check out the dead malls in TO.. I'm thinking that mall out on Finch East.. Cedarbrae is it?

[stellakowalski]

NOT boring. DO WANT!

Where I grew up in rural British Columbia, Canada, we had a mall just like this. It was called "Sunnycrest Mall". It was full of stores that no one had ever heard of, like "Upstairs Downstairs" and "AZUR consignment clothing". It was so depressing. It didn't have a fountain, but it did have a plethora of fake plants that were covered in cobwebs and 3 inches of dust. Scenes like that and this make me so glad I moved to the city!

[Stroll]

Not boring, this is my favorite one yet. I can't count how many times I've had the "waterbugs ARE roaches" conversation.

[stellakowalski]

Also? Love the Michelangelo repro in the background of the first stuffed-animals-in-seats photo. A new spin on an old classic, indeed (where's Rudy when you need him?)

[justsomeguy]

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels is depressing for all the same reasons. Cultural irrelevance, hideous furniture, no books anywhere in sight...you see my point.

[miss christy]

DYING laughing, thank you!!! In DC/Northern VA we only have ritzy malls, but i went to college for a few years in south central PA and it was JUST like this. They even had a store where you could get jesus-themed iron-ons. And of course, t-shirts with glittery wolves on them.

[Val]

Wow, I do believe South Jersey is the Northwest Indiana of the East Coast. Hammond, IN had Woodmar Mall and at its peak it had a record store (bought Led Zeppelin III on LP there), a sit down portion control restaurant and a Carson Pirie Scott with a Ticket Master along with the KBee toys, weird carts selling crap people found in their attic, health food store, the stoner version of Calypso (you know, all the heavy metal spirituality stuff like wizards and unicorns and swords) and-most important-a photo booth.
Enroute to a wedding my friend/driver/date/whatever and I happened upon the shell of it mid-demolition and I had an instantanous emotional journey that I now know at least someone would've understood.

[jelodi97]

Malls like this are everywhere. I always feel dirty and depressed whenever I got into one.

The roaches are the worst part though. My husband and I lived in a shitty apartment in Austin and I saw one of the lovelies in the kitchen and in a worried voice I said "Is that a roach?" and my husband said "no, thats a waterbug." It didn't take long for me to realize they were one and the same. The worst was when we were moving out. My cotton candy machine and floss sugar were under the sink. I pulled it out and lo, the machine and sugar were both loaded with roach shit. I tossed the sugar, and soaked the cotton candy machine in bleach. Still haven't been able to use it. (no floss sugar around)

[kelvicious]

love the post.

here's a good site with more dead malls: http://deadmalls.com/

in its heyday, my dead mall had a gigantic bird cage in the food court. hygienic!

[Aurora]

Ahhahahahaha, Rich this is such a good post. I think the same things when I go to the mini mall in Carson, Ca. As much as they add and try to fix it will forever remind me of Shore Mall in Jersey.

[Annegret]

Thanks for blurring the faces, Rich! By the way, I never implied you were posting pics of people to be malicious. I just wanted you to be aware that some people value their privacy for safety reasons and you just have no idea what sort of trouble you could unintentionally cause by posting images of them. Trouble for them and maybe trouble for you too. I don't think any of us want to see your excellent blog (smooch smooch) get tagged with a lawsuit. You're obviously a genuinely nice person with a conscious, so sorry I had to be the fly in your ointment (or the roach in your mall fountain, whichever). Of course, maybe when Google has a picture of every single one of us out on the street, perhaps scratching our pit or siddling into a porn establishment, then it may not matter anymore.

[saramwrap]

Please come visit the DC-Baltimore suburbs for a tour of amazing malls. You get your choice of scenic suburban consumer pits like Shitty Place and The Dirt Mall. I can show you Luv'n Time International, Gold 'n' Diamondz, and more Fashion Bugs than you can hit with a flyswatter.

I recommend the corndogs with cream cheese dipping sauce, or the shaved ice in the flavor 'Batman.'

[Kingdom]

FAVE 4X4 POST IN RECENT MEMORY! A+

[brandy]

For those two Canadians venture out to Whitby and check out the Whitby mall...WalMart closed there...that's all I have to say!

I can't remember which mall it was in Toronto(well GTA really.) but there was baby poop in the fountain. Someone had either dumped a diaper in there OR some baby had pooped into it.

Another GTA note, aparently the Oshawa Centre has an abandoned part that is under the main floor, when they built the second floor they just walled it up. Im dying to get in there!

Oh and I think the ladies at the end are allowed to be sitting in those chairs..they are those vibrating chairs, they have the remotes in there hands..you know to relieve their aches and pains.

[Shay]

Ewwww. We used to have a mall like that where I live, but it was knocked down and there was a fancy schmancy "streets" mall built on top of it. Ps, I'm digging the Ghost World banner.

[April Winchell]

I can't even fucking BELIEVE that you didn't buy that picture of Cameron Mathison.

[Sarah]

Awesome! Now that I know you are from EHT it all makes sense...

[Pookie]

Oh man...I've been to a mall just like it. I will say, they are perfect if you are in the market for say...a dot matrix printer.

Love the roaches. How elegant.