Sorry it took me so long to get to this (or anything else, really). It's just that I found it necessary to spend days (days!) pondering this promo shot...
...(click to enlarge slightly)...and trying to come up with something to say beyond the total obvious and mean designation of: PIGS IN SPACE. My conclusion? There's no other way to put it. Pigs in Space it is.
Ah, the biannual event in which I get to make overly harsh, utterly uninformed judgments on a bunch of girls that will provide the highlight of my pop-culture experience for the next several months. I have so much contempt for that which I love. I don't know if that makes me markedly human or just a fucking asshole.
My opinions are based mostly on the shots below, although I did watch each girl's pre-show video that's up at the CW's site. As usual, the girls are in order from doggiest to...least painful to look at. I hasten to say "prettiest," because it's a rough bunch this time around. Tyra says, "I wanted to get girls that are even less obviously pretty," which is the cycle's very first Tyraism. The translation: "We scrapin' the bottom. Of. The. Barrell. Y'all." And really, it makes sense that many of these girls would seem to have a tenuous grasp on reality -- that which drives them to think they're pretty enough to be models is the same lack of sense that leads them to believe that this show isn't mostly a sham (but admittedly getting less shammier with Jaslene's success...and even though Dani's in LANE FUCKING BRYANT, she also did an Akademiks shoot recently. That's hip, right? The kids like Akademiks, right?).
Whatever. Here they are:
Chantal, 19, Student
She looks like one of those fish that has eyes on both sides of its flat self (a flounder, to be specific). She reminds me of Ann Coulter, which means that she probably smells like one of those fish that has eyes on both sides of its flat self, as well.
Ebony, 20, Nursing student
No, Sister Patterson, I do not want to go bow-hunting with your legs. "I don't put up with no bullcrap," says Ebony in her video. Wait'll you see my shit.
Janet, 22, Aesthetician
I've gone almost 29 years without an Aunt Janet, and I don't need one now. Stop inviting me to your candle parties, stop waxing ecstatic about "that hot new fashion spot, H&M," and for the love of god, stop trying to get me to borrow your Rabbit. I'm gay but I don't have a clitoris. Stop getting it twisted. It hurts. Although I do appreciate the fact that you aren't so uptight about being sanitary. I think that proves you aren't homophobic. What I'm trying to say is: I know you mean well, but I can't fully trust people who hide their thumbs in year-old Gap apparel. Love, (oh fine, I cave) Your Nephew*.
*Favorite nephew!!!
Lisa, 20, "Dancer"
Lisa is an exotic dancer. Lisa considers herself a good networker. Clearly, Lisa is all kinds of wrong.
Jenah, 18, College student
Check out the teeth on this one!
I'll be interested to see what techniques and tricks Jenah has to avoid chewing on the nose of whomever she happens to be talking to at any given point. Also, you know in "Thriller," how MJ goes, "Thriller, chiller!" at the end of the chorus? I always thought he was singing, "Jenner, Jenner," which made me think of The Secret of Nimh every time, without fail. I feel like Jenah, Jenah's rodent-like incisors have made my life come full circle. It's a lopsided circle, but I'm blaming her teeth for that, too. Stop chewing on my circle, lady.
Mila, 20, Recent college graduate
She looks like a cross between Tori Amos and Lauren Hutton. I just got my period and it squirted out between the space in my teeth.
Ambreal, 19, College student
Take your smug '70s exterior (I'd call it a "vibe," but I'm sure you'd dig it and be all, "Right on!") and fucking bead a door way with it, Ambreal. I really hope that Tyra makes Ambs get a perm just so I can start calling her Ambrelaxer. Although, as it stands, her name's just a taste bud away from being pronounced "Embryo." If I were drunk, I'd make a point to call her that to her face.
Victoria, 20, College student
If the face of Cycle 6's Brooke were Silly Putty, the result of a few preparatory, pre-sculpting rolls over a hard surface would be Victoria. I'm on the fence has to how that will translate to pictures. As long as we keep her away from newspaper, I think she'll be hot. Also what the hell is that Chorus Line-ass outfit? I have to wonder if her bodysuit snaps at the crotch. The day she breaks into song about standards of beauty, be they ballet-oriented or otherwise, is the day she dries up.
Heather, 21, College student
There is something so macaroni and cheese about her that I can't help but love her. She's better on paper than in motion, as her pre-show video proves. The girl is a fucking spaz. "The girl has ADHD," I have in my notes, and I'm not sure if that's something she says in her video, or if it's just something I gathered because she doesn't stop twitching and moving and blinking ever. She is living impetigo with a slight emotional disturbance: "Some people have a problem with me touching them. I'm like, 'Yay. Attention.'" But don't cry over her naked sentiment. Heather is one for backhanded modesty: "I knew I was pretty, but I just didn't think I'd be on here." Or maybe that's front-handed arrogance pitching an ass-ball. The point is: I like Heather less than when I started writing this paragraph.
Bianca, 18, College student
You know how singer/actress/manslaughterer Brandy looks like an alien with Down syndrome? Anyway, I like Bianca. She's so around-the-way that her hair colors don't have numbers, they have names.
Also, did you know that the semi-final round takes place in Puerto Rico? I did because I watched Bianca's pre-show interview. But she ain't one to gossip. Another thing I learned from Bianca's video is what she is. "I am America," she says. Awesome, I'm Guam. Don't you own me or something? "I am relatable," she continues. "I cry, I'm insecure, I have fears." My type of girl. I can't wait to explore exploit all of those qualities.
Kimberly, 20, College student
Her video made me feel like she was much less hot, but just going by this picture, I can only fag out entirely and say EXQUISITE. If you lost your virginity within 150 miles of the Mason Dixon line in the '70s, '80s or '90s and you are a boy, it was to a girl who looked like this. Fact! As for me, Kimberly just looks like someone whose face would be the first thing I saw as I came to while playing that suffocate-each-other-so-we-briefly-pass-out game in the back of the school bus that was all the rage in middle school. Ah, the days of pre-drug drugs. Kimberly's dream is a photo shoot with Shamu, and I feel like that really just supports all of my conjecture about her.
Saliesha, 21, Receptionist
I don't know, I guess she's my favorite by default. I think she may be a bit "commercial" or obvious, but I have to say that the pickings are slimmer than what reverse-anorexic Tyra sees when she looks in the mirror. If Ciara has an abundance of testosterone that went right to her face (remember those man rumors?), Saliesha is her estrogen-loaded counterpart. I can't believe I've been able to hold out this long before the inevitable burst into: "Salieshuuuuh, you are the girl that I never had, and I want to get to know you bettah / Salieshuuuuh, you know I want you so bad, and there's nothing anyone can do…to keep me away from you."
Monkey baaaaaaaaaaaaaars.
Sarah, 20, College student
I'm not really counting Sarah in with the rest of the group, because I think she's a plant. She's on there to be the plus-size girl who wins – after Whitney and Diane proved so disappointing last cycle, Tyra and Ken Mok needed to bring in a girl who could show the youngins that big thighs aren't punishable by death. Seriously, watch Sarah's video, she's amazingly hammy and her unending capacity for counterfeit astonishment is the sort of camp that Tyra and Co. started consciously bringing to the show a few cycles ago. I really think Sarah could be prong 2 of operation Kiss My Fat Ass (and it makes sense that she'd be brought in now that some time has passed since the initial rant, so as not to arise such suspicion). By the way, I'm so paranoid that I'm wearing a tinfoil cap right now...I don't want Tyra to be able to tell what I really think.
But the best thing about all this is that Sarah is a size 8. Tyra says through gritted teeth that Sarah ain't a real plus size. Then why did you cast her? Oh right, because she's slim enough to avoid being an eyesore, but meaty enough to feel like relative philanthropy. Oh, also because it'll give Tyra the opportunity to chastise Sarah for being in between regular and plus-size body types before ultimately handing her the crown. That shit-or-get-off-the-laxatives routine, I have to say, is a favorite of mine.
But yeah, Sarah for the win. She's a pretty girl. I can't say I mind so much.
Here's a bonus, by the way: the intro to this cycle leaked. If you thought these girls looked rough in their shots above, get ready to see them without makeup. Probably shouldn't eat while watching this. (Thanks, Julia.)
Yay! Another cycle, more mockery. Though I'm disappointed that Saleisha ranks above Bianca and Kimberly! I love love love Kimberly...or as I have named her...Booberly.
Posted by: matt | August 31, 2007 at 09:52 AM
Sarah looks healthy, like she could be one of the fitness models demonstrating exercises in Shape magazine and the like. If she's smart (i.e., if she ignores everything the judges say) that's how she'll market herself. She just needs to get a little more cut.
Posted by: kdub | August 31, 2007 at 10:11 AM
Thank you Rich, for watching their videos so I don't have to. Speaking of "Aiesha", they played that in the Goodwill last weekend and yes, my cousin and I sang that song for all it was worth in the middle of the store...Ah, cheap clothes and ABC. Good times.
Posted by: Lea | August 31, 2007 at 10:13 AM
After seeing that video all I can say is....Oooo Fah!
*10 mins later*
Buck-tooth Jenah is the only one that looks pretty. Victoria, Chantal and Mila make me lose faith in modelmanity. Jesus wept. And Kimberly is a fucking space alien, later for that shit.
Posted by: nycmami | August 31, 2007 at 10:34 AM
Victoria and Heather are my favorites, even though Heather reminds me of BeckyBuckwild... Sarah rounds out the top 3. And I HAAAAATE Saleisha's name. Sale- isha? Um, ew.
Posted by: Tremayne | August 31, 2007 at 10:36 AM
Brandy = space alien with Downs Syndrome. That's so WRONG....yet so right!
Posted by: Annegret | August 31, 2007 at 10:38 AM
Kimberly looks a lot like Adrienne, which makes me doubt she'll get too far. Tyra and Co I'm sure are still pretty filled with wrath for her. Of course, Heather looks bizarrely like Buckwild, which is an even more amusing resemblance (love her, but on Top Model??)
Posted by: Kat | August 31, 2007 at 10:41 AM
Wait, Jaslene's...success? When did this happen?
Ummm, anyway, Chantal is from Austin, like me, and her name is Chantal, so I predict some fun to be had at the expense of the hometown girl, at least for me. I mean, I'm sure she'll be no match for poor blind albino crystal-loving Amanda, but a girl can dream. I like your top three picks, but I'm not having strong feelings one way or the other about any of these girls yet. Maybe I should go check out the video.
Posted by: svrb | August 31, 2007 at 10:52 AM
OMG you guys are sooo right - Heather = Buckwild. It's also like her huge schnozz is the elephant in the room that nobody's talking about - wtf?
Sarah for the win, definitely - she's beautiful & healthy. Totally NOT plus-sized, but that's neither here nor there.
Rich! I read you every day and I've been anxiously awaiting your return to the ANTM trainwreck. Can't wait til this gets in full swing!
Posted by: KiKi | August 31, 2007 at 11:05 AM
Holy crap, Sarah is gorgeous. And I feel slightly offended as I have the exact same weight/height measurements as her. I ain't no plus size! That's for the double-digits, fool.
Whatever. I hope she wins. She's prettier than the rest of them.
Posted by: Michelle | August 31, 2007 at 11:10 AM
this show and your posts about it may be the only thing that encourages me to wake in the morning.
i hate my job.
Posted by: katryne | August 31, 2007 at 11:33 AM
is it me or do all these girls need proactive?
Posted by: | August 31, 2007 at 11:36 AM
These girls literally define cut-rate. I'm hoping they bring it on the photo shoots, but going off of these shots - it's like America's Next Top American Apparel Model. Maybe they can have a photoshoot where Dov Charney masterbates next to them as they lounge in nothing by a pair of colored tights. HOT!
Chantel was in the original Hills Have Eyes - she's very scary in it! Janet is actually a hot 45 yr old soccer mom from Minnesota. Lisa has crotch rot from unsanitary stripper poles from her time down at the "Bacon Strip". Mila is a bored Russian hooker and the love of my life. Ambreal - has a fro'd out sassy black girl ever made it far in this competition? They may work in your favor! Victoria looks terrified and her shiny face made me temprorarily blind. Heather looks like she could work the short hairdo like a pro. Kimberly just fucked me with her eyes and I kinda dug it. Saliesha for the win - GORJ! Sarah - not so much. Kinda Delta Airlines Flight Attendant in the pic. She rocks the solid calves, though!
Posted by: Joe Marrazzo | August 31, 2007 at 12:02 PM
Just some general observations:
Sarah = hotness. She's like a fuller, prettier version of Mischa Barton with her new dark hair. Too bad she'll probably be called out for "relying on pretty" more often than not...
Mila = Nicollette Sheridan/Russian-gladiator
Jenah = Lori Petty (i.e. Kit, from A League of Their Own)
Janet...for some reason she's evoking Alyssa Milano (ala her short-haired years) for me. I don't love her.
Chantal = Trishelle from Real World...if Trishelle stuck her head in a vice. I don't know though...I'm torn on her. She's total FUG-incarnate in this shot, but I could see her photographing well if she learns her angles.
Oh...and Kimberly rocks. She's skankalicious and rauncy, and I fucking love it!
Ah...ANTM season has started, as have your blogs, Rich. All is right in the world once more...
Posted by: Nick | August 31, 2007 at 12:12 PM
Ambreal: She looks like a younger version of my old boss. The one I hated with every fibre of my being? Yeah, that one. Ergo, I don’t like Ambreal. However, objectively.... nah. Do not like.
Bianca: I love Bianca’s answer to the question “What quality do I bring that no one else has” Her answer: “My drive”. Uhhh…s’cuse me – weren’t you the one who just said you don’t have to do anything to win but just sit back, relax, and wait to be crowned? Yeah – you’re full of the drive! FAIL!
Ebony: Favourite answer of Ebony’s “…the opportunity to wear cuntour” CUNTOUR!!
LMAO!
Heather: She cracks me up – I wasn’t sure exactly what she was saying about what her secret weapon was – but it certainly wasn’t her ability to articulate an idea!
Janet: I think Janet’s really attractive – has a very nice mouth – but her voice is REALLY irritating to me!
Jenah: BLECH! Blech, blech. I didn’t like ANYTHING about her. Not her face, her look, her mannerisms, her voice, her rabbity teeth or crazy-eyes, the way she carries herself, her gestures - nothing. BLECH! BEGONE! Do you welcome *that* critique honeylamb?
Kimberly – nice upper cat face – great breasts. That’s about all I got. Except – Shamoo? Her dream is to have a photoshoot with Shamoo?
Lisa: Lisa’s got that weird Alicia Keyes thing happening. You know how Alicia’s face at first looks pretty, but the more you look at it, it becomes kinda…off? Like she zipped up her skin wrong when she put on her human costume that morning? Yeah – like that.
Mila: AHHHHHHHHH! She looks like Paris Hilton’s cracka cousin! FAIL.
Saleisha: Prettttttttyyyyyyy. Of course there’s the whole dichotomy of “I didn’t audition for the show (because I didn’t think it was worth my damn time), but this is her “chance to show why she should be America’s next top model”? (Because she didn’t want audition y’all. She should just win cause she’s pretty. Yeah, just like that.
Sarah: I think she’s got a great look. Good bones, great hair (which’ll get wrecked in the makeovers but hopefully they’ll just add some lowlights/highlights), comes across as real, and bubbly, but am worried about her no experience ever combined with her kind of flail-ly movements and nervous discomfort in front of the camera – could be bad news, but right of the top – she’s my pick.
Victoria: I agree with you, Victoria. It’s a complete joke that you’re on this show.
Posted by: MsKit2u | August 31, 2007 at 12:42 PM
I am HOT for Kimberly.
She is: Jane Birkin for the 21st century.
Posted by: Rio | August 31, 2007 at 12:45 PM
I'm sooo excited!!! Everything is cycles for me now. My husband caught me asking when the new cycle of Real Time With Bill Maher started. Oh well, he was on ANTM last season & dates these girls (reportedly), so it makes sense! Your recaps just make my whole day better. I can't wait!
Posted by: Gwen | August 31, 2007 at 01:21 PM
Rich, did you just say that ANTM is becoming LESS shammier? Steal back your protein shake from Winston--you're getting light headed!
Posted by: JC | August 31, 2007 at 01:28 PM
You people are funny...
I am wondering what kind of stripper Lisa can possibly be. I have never, ever eva eva eva seen a BLACK stripper that damn skinny.
She gets no tips.
MILA and Saleisha for the win!!
Posted by: intellectualfem | August 31, 2007 at 01:33 PM
PIIIIGS IIIIIN SPAAAACE!
Man, I miss the Muppet Show!
I want to agree with you about Sara but she looks way too normal to win.
Posted by: RectilinearPropagation | August 31, 2007 at 01:33 PM
i completely agree about the adrienne curry=kimberly janet=alyssa milano and the heather=buckwild comparisons... i have to say tho, they do look more like real models and less like mildly attractive mall girls. except for chantal, she looks like she belongs on days of our lives or passions.
do you hear that? thats my monday morning bitchiness gettin ready to go into hibernation!
Posted by: jtalia | August 31, 2007 at 01:47 PM
OK, I just frame-by-framed the leaked intro - why doesn't CariDee have a "portrait with Tyra"?
Damn, if that's all the conspiracy I can muster up, I must need a nap.
Posted by: Cat | August 31, 2007 at 02:02 PM
You are so welcome and thank YOU for the amazing rundown. As always, your comments and insight are DEAD ON. I pick fattie/not-so-fattie too. Tyra has been wanting to crown a big girl forever.
One more thing - is Adrienne the only winner that is NOT SHOWN in the intro? That's odd!
Posted by: Julia | August 31, 2007 at 02:06 PM
someones still a genius!!!!
my new mix is posted on my link here
Posted by: princewilliam | August 31, 2007 at 02:07 PM
The Secret of Nimh! *sigh*
Posted by: Daniel | August 31, 2007 at 02:10 PM