Your cultural experience for today

On Sunday, I attended the annual concert of New York's finest and only guido house station KTU, Beatstock. It was absolutely amazing...for the 30 minutes I was there. See, it was held at the Nikon at Jones Beach Theater on Long Island, which isn't so much a theater as it is a 20-story tall series of steep concrete steps with plastic chairs drilled into it. There is no overhead covering and it just happened to be pouring that day. There were some freestyle people on the bill and as much as I, uh, appreciate Coro, I was not about to stand for hours in the rain to hear "Fallen Angel" live. He isn't Stevie B, you know? And, anyway, Coro could have very well made me sad. I don't know what havoc a life of freestyle wreaks on the body, but I'm sure at, at minimum, it makes for incredibly clogged pores.

For the time I was there, I did, however catch Lucas Prata. I swear to god, his between-song banter included, "Here's a song about the one thing I like more than pizza. It's called 'Girls.'" Perhaps even better: "How many Italians we got in the house?" He also talked about his My Super Sweet 16 appearance, which is clearly the highlight of his life. But then again, it's one of the highlights of mine, too. Prata: whadda guy. I heard a woman who was probably sitting at least a thousand feet away from the stage yell, "Take it off!" I want to make love to her, and I don't even know what she looks like.

It maybe goes without saying, but being nothing less than totally obvious, I will meditate on it: the audience was much, much more fascinating than any inadvertently retro-futuristic neon light show or voguging queens that the stage offered. Maybe the funniest thing about it was that the cyclical nature of fashion combined with the tackiness of Long Island meant that it undoubtedly mirrored what a freestyle concert at the same venue would have looked like 20 years ago. Authentic! Seriously, the banana clips and the lace-lined leggings and the slavishness to gel and the UV-ignorant tans and the denim that was damaged like so many freestyle singers' hearts, together made me wonder if I had somehow wandered into a huge, concrete version of the "I Wonder if I Take You Home" video, or, I don't know, Over Our Heads.

I didn't take pictures there (I'm this close to pulling out an eyeball to punish myself for not taking a picture of the girl wearing an "I Heart Guidos" shirt who complimented my boyfriend's shoelaces in the parking lot), but someone else did! After the jump, a whole slew of local color brought to you by Nikon Live. Normally, I'd apologize for the "PROOF" watermarks, but in most cases I think you'll agree that they enhance instead of detracting.

And now for the Italian-pride segment of our presentation:

It's like the Cobrasnake but...raw.

These pictures don't quite do it justice, but the guys there were so fuckable. Seriously, at least every other guy I saw needed some of what I'm offering. I told my boyfriend that and he said, "Probably because they all look so stupid." I think he's onto something.

Oh and in the interest of equal-opportunity derision/being able to laugh at myself, the whole reason I know about this gallery in the first place is that I'm part of it:

Vomit. That expression on my face approximates John Waters engaging with French tickler, while I believe my boyfriend's face is about to slide off of his head. At least we were tan enough to fit in.

We actually shot some potentially awesome footage during Prata's apparently invigorating rendition of "And She Said..." We just walked around the venue and filmed the audience as it collectively freaked out ("Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"). The only problem was that we only caught about 15 seconds of it as my memory card ran out of space and we didn't realize it until the song was over. Sadness.

The reason, by the way, that my camera ran out of memory is that I shot footage and many pictures of this crazy animal that made a cameo in my life:

His name is Ernie and my father's dog sitting him for a few days. I thought I was over dogs but then I remembered how great it feels to have your tongue licked by an animal.

And while I'm on the tangent tip, it bears mentioning that the most New York experience of my Sunday wasn't Beatstock -- it was watching the commercial below that my boyfriend caught while watching Survivorman. I'm totally having my next corporate event here because I am a beacon of professionalism.

(Download)

So, basically they're whores, right? They can't be strippers because removing those dresses would be both too awkward and too short of a process. And I'm pretty sure they aren't on their way to the prom. Whores. The body sushi will give you herpes. From their lips to yours.

In case you missed it, I made a gif of my favorite part:

I have a feeling that she licks tongue just as well as Ernie.

Comments

[Katrina]

Rich, what kind of dog is Ernie? Beyond adorable.

[miss christy]

that commercial is fabulous! and those chicks may very well be hookers, but then again they could just be girls the club hires to make themselves look cooler and more exclusive. i used to work for a promotions company in philly where myself and other girls were basically hired by clubs to dance in skimpy outfits, flirt with people, and do body shots off eachother. we werent strippers or anything, its literally called a "vip promotion". randomness, but you know the guidos are into it! haha

[bex]

Your "OVER THE HEAD" reference just made my August.

[nycguy]

I worked with Lucas Prata back in the early 2000s, and he's a really sweet guy who means well...but yeah, he totally is exactly how he comes off on stage. The Beatstock crowd is his ideal audience.

And the VIP commercial is the BEST. That is truly hilarious!

[JC]

Is there a magic bubble over Long Island that forces everyone in side to dress and style (and tan) themselves in a way identical to everyone else in the last 20 years? It's some freaky sci-fi sh!t.

[Sarah]

Ernie will now be dog-napped. He is just way too cute!

[Anna]

Sometimes I'm ashamed to be Italian. This is definitely one of those times.

[jezebelly]

I have nothing clever to say. I almost married an Italian from Long Island. The only thing I miss is Christmas Eve fish dinners.

Ernie looks like a cross between Winston and Mr. Winkle.

And finally, how I'd love to be the tender brown meat in a Rich/BF panini.

Since I'm Italian and go to Italy every couple of years (my mom's family livse there) I can completely assure you that NO ONE there looks like what these Italians look like. I don't even understand how this look started, but it still scares me.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Are we certain that all the women in the Nikon gallery aren't just replicas of one ur-GuidoWoman?

[Wherearemypeeps]

Rich, this had me cracking up. As a lover of freestyle I honestly considered attending but as a black man, I'm glad I didn't. Where there any other people there besides Italians? I saw one token black guy in the pics and looked scared ...LOL. That dog Ernie just confirmed why I need to get one in the worst way. Too cute!

[Dean]

Your Over Our Heads reference made me so happy. And I love that you didn't explain it.

As for the strip club, I've been. Sunday night is gay night. Go at around 6 for happy hour (half-price drinks and cover). Trust me, it's worth the price of admission strictly it as an anthropological study.

[Leanne]

I moved to NYC three years ago and got a place on Staten Island because it was cheap. Didn't understand why people made fun of me until I saw an entire ISLAND of people that look like that every damn day!Even the parents! Mom's sharing nail tip and tanning pointers while Dad helps gelling the hair! Jesus Christ!
I work with a guy from Italy, and he physically wants to kill these people who fly the flag but are second, third, fourth generation and speak no Italian whatsoever. Not that I'm complaining, but why are they corraled in only Staten Island, Long Island, or the Jersey Shore? Does a giant alarm sound if they step into Manhattan or does the class of the borough weaken their Guido-ness like kryptonite to Superman?

Also, I love how so many of the girls are the "fat pretty" types, where if they lost 40-50lbs they'd be smokin' hot, but right now they'll just settle for a giant muffin top stomach bulging from skin tight low rise jeans and think no one can see it if they throw an Abercrombie hoodie over it to hide their sins.

[mysterygirl!]

You and your BF are too cute. I loved "That expression on my face approximates John Waters engaging with French tickler, while I believe my boyfriend's face is about to slide off of his head."

By the way, I cheer to myself every time I see one of those Vh1 commercials that has your name printed on the screen. The last step in your Vh1 domination will be Winston getting his own show, I think...

[Sarah]

I am originally from L.I. but haven't lived there since I was about 9...but these pictures made me homesick for my childhood when I thought Jews and Italians were the same thing (I am Jewish) because all the Jews and Italians I knew had big hair, long nails, loud voices, lots of opinions and made good food (and lots of it)!

[Henry Evil]

Those pictures had me cracking up. Also your boyfriend is hot.

[finding the filth]

OMG - add a touch more hairspray & a parking lot full of i-rocks and camaros and it's friggin highschool all over again for me.

also - i was at the "old" VIP club once. it's a strip club for sure. bought my friend a lap dance there as a going away present. i promise you that the staff and bouncers were at the KTU event...

[misha]

i'm from long island and sunday my softball team decided to go out to hooters (don't ask) to celebrate our being mercy ruled and the waitress was like 'i'm actually leaving cause i gotta go to beatstock.' We were all like 'what is beatstock' or 'thats so typical'. she's in the sixth picture! what are the odds??

i also have to stick up for long island - we aren't all so tan and gelled - i swear!

[shera]

Random story - my friends brother went to high school with Raul Puig, aka "Lucas Prata".

by the way - that means he is like in his late 30's and singing a song with the lyrics 'and she said yeah, yeah, yeah, oh oh.'

[keira]

Those pictures made me remember my Long Island childhood. And why I didn't lose my virginity until college.

[hypnotic]

WOW

i am at a loss as a lover of freestyle i can't clap to this

however i used to work with a nj girl who from outside appearances seemed normal

imagine my surprise to find out she was a racially ambigous blasian who listened to ktu i was mortified

sometimes i miss our rides to jersey city listening to jingles for ladies night at a club in lodi

i too spotted the lone black man it was like where's waldo...

[Katy]

"It's like the Cobrasnake but...raw."
I just started laughing out loud at work and now I'm getting dirty looks because I should be doing "real" work, not reading a blog!

[Pinwiz]

How is the VIP Club for Bachelorette parties? Did I see one shirtless guy gyrating? I feel offended.

Then I look at that animated gif again and all is better.

[I'm just sayin'...]

I can't decide which is cuter: Rich or Ernie...

[fast_hugs]

Unsurprisingly, I went to high school with 2 subjects of those photos.

My work here is done.