On Sunday, I attended the annual concert of New York's finest and only guido house station KTU, Beatstock. It was absolutely amazing...for the 30 minutes I was there. See, it was held at the Nikon at Jones Beach Theater on Long Island, which isn't so much a theater as it is a 20-story tall series of steep concrete steps with plastic chairs drilled into it. There is no overhead covering and it just happened to be pouring that day. There were some freestyle people on the bill and as much as I, uh, appreciate Coro, I was not about to stand for hours in the rain to hear "Fallen Angel" live. He isn't Stevie B, you know? And, anyway, Coro could have very well made me sad. I don't know what havoc a life of freestyle wreaks on the body, but I'm sure at, at minimum, it makes for incredibly clogged pores.
For the time I was there, I did, however catch Lucas Prata. I swear to god, his between-song banter included, "Here's a song about the one thing I like more than pizza. It's called 'Girls.'" Perhaps even better: "How many Italians we got in the house?" He also talked about his My Super Sweet 16 appearance, which is clearly the highlight of his life. But then again, it's one of the highlights of mine, too. Prata: whadda guy. I heard a woman who was probably sitting at least a thousand feet away from the stage yell, "Take it off!" I want to make love to her, and I don't even know what she looks like.
It maybe goes without saying, but being nothing less than totally obvious, I will meditate on it: the audience was much, much more fascinating than any inadvertently retro-futuristic neon light show or voguging queens that the stage offered. Maybe the funniest thing about it was that the cyclical nature of fashion combined with the tackiness of Long Island meant that it undoubtedly mirrored what a freestyle concert at the same venue would have looked like 20 years ago. Authentic! Seriously, the banana clips and the lace-lined leggings and the slavishness to gel and the UV-ignorant tans and the denim that was damaged like so many freestyle singers' hearts, together made me wonder if I had somehow wandered into a huge, concrete version of the "I Wonder if I Take You Home" video, or, I don't know, Over Our Heads.
I didn't take pictures there (I'm this close to pulling out an eyeball to punish myself for not taking a picture of the girl wearing an "I Heart Guidos" shirt who complimented my boyfriend's shoelaces in the parking lot), but someone else did! After the jump, a whole slew of local color brought to you by Nikon Live. Normally, I'd apologize for the "PROOF" watermarks, but in most cases I think you'll agree that they enhance instead of detracting.
And now for the Italian-pride segment of our presentation:
It's like the Cobrasnake but...raw.
These pictures don't quite do it justice, but the guys there were so fuckable. Seriously, at least every other guy I saw needed some of what I'm offering. I told my boyfriend that and he said, "Probably because they all look so stupid." I think he's onto something.
Oh and in the interest of equal-opportunity derision/being able to laugh at myself, the whole reason I know about this gallery in the first place is that I'm part of it:
Vomit. That expression on my face approximates John Waters engaging with French tickler, while I believe my boyfriend's face is about to slide off of his head. At least we were tan enough to fit in.
We actually shot some potentially awesome footage during Prata's apparently invigorating rendition of "And She Said..." We just walked around the venue and filmed the audience as it collectively freaked out ("Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"). The only problem was that we only caught about 15 seconds of it as my memory card ran out of space and we didn't realize it until the song was over. Sadness.
The reason, by the way, that my camera ran out of memory is that I shot footage and many pictures of this crazy animal that made a cameo in my life:
His name is Ernie and my father's dog sitting him for a few days. I thought I was over dogs but then I remembered how great it feels to have your tongue licked by an animal.
And while I'm on the tangent tip, it bears mentioning that the most New York experience of my Sunday wasn't Beatstock -- it was watching the commercial below that my boyfriend caught while watching Survivorman. I'm totally having my next corporate event here because I am a beacon of professionalism.
(Download)
So, basically they're whores, right? They can't be strippers because removing those dresses would be both too awkward and too short of a process. And I'm pretty sure they aren't on their way to the prom. Whores. The body sushi will give you herpes. From their lips to yours.
In case you missed it, I made a gif of my favorite part:
I have a feeling that she licks tongue just as well as Ernie.
i went to school with one of those girls!
Posted by: | August 22, 2007 at 05:53 PM
I'm from Long Island and I don't look like that. But yes, they make me embarassed to be from there. Soooo South Shore.
And not ever in Manhattan? Psssh... step into any club on the weekend and that's exactly who you'll find.
Posted by: Mark | August 22, 2007 at 06:31 PM
The two dudes in the first photo look like the Gottis. I have nothing like this in Canada, so I can't relate. But loooooove the hair on the chubby girl second photo down. You know that shit took TIME.
Posted by: stellakowalski | August 22, 2007 at 06:40 PM
RANDOM QUESTION RICH, but I think I saw you in the city yesterday. It looked like you. you were on a bench holding a suitcase, and a trenchcoat-esque coat, listening to your ipod. and eventually you left. ughhh, maybe I just thought it was you because the guy was bald and fashionable.
Posted by: gus | August 22, 2007 at 08:09 PM
Those pictures could have been in my high school yearbook. Yes, I'm from Staten Island.
Posted by: Caits | August 22, 2007 at 08:58 PM
Ernie versus Winston! Make it happen!!
Posted by: frank | August 22, 2007 at 10:12 PM
Winston will FUCK. HIM. UP.
Posted by: Daniel | August 22, 2007 at 11:55 PM
stellakowalski, we have ginos in Canada, don't we? Well I guess it depends where you live. In Toronto there are ginos everywhere.
Posted by: Henry Evil | August 23, 2007 at 12:19 AM
Gus, Rich is bald but not fashionable. Remember the baby blue hammerhead sharks T-shirt?
*snicker*
Posted by: Gyn | August 23, 2007 at 12:50 AM
The hubby doesn't read any of your blogs but I talk about you all the time. Plus he's got to torrent all the shows you blog.
Showed him the pic of you and your boyfriend. He agrees, you're both good looking guys.(I would describe you guys as HOT but the hubby doesn't want me to make him sound too gay)
Posted by: Gyn | August 23, 2007 at 01:02 AM
The new ANTM girls are (probably) being released today! There are already some that were revealed on Entertainment Tonight.
Posted by: Frank | August 23, 2007 at 04:33 AM
Omg, dude, that dog looks like a sloth.
Posted by: AP | August 23, 2007 at 08:55 AM
I'm an Italian girl from Long Island and I would just like to say that I do NOT look anything like these girls...
However, I do have to say that I left LI about two years ago, and apparently people look EXACTLY the same...just another reminder as to why I got the hell out of there...
Posted by: Lizzie | August 23, 2007 at 09:23 AM
"men" indeed! i imagine them on their way into the mensroom to get nasty with one another. mmmmmm, gay guido action!
ps - ur bf is hotttt!
Posted by: theodora | August 23, 2007 at 09:25 AM
Over Our Heads - heh. Classic.
Posted by: Amanda | August 23, 2007 at 09:32 AM
This is like bizarro land to me. What th hell? I am genuinely perplexed.
Also OMGay that puppy!
Posted by: Hannah | August 23, 2007 at 09:40 AM
This entry just put me right back in HS. And I grew up in lower Westchester County. Everyone looks almost exactly the same. Hilarious.
Posted by: | August 23, 2007 at 09:59 AM
Strippers usually start out in "gowns" like those. Then they, well, you know... strip!
ps: lovin Ernie!
pps: you have to admit Italians are a great looking people with a trashy sense of style.
Posted by: Amy | August 23, 2007 at 10:08 AM
OMG...this post is the hotness!
Lucas Prata? Long island guidos in distressed denim, wearing banana hair clips and all holding the cigarette in their left hands?
YOU SO ROCK.
Posted by: hateraid | August 23, 2007 at 10:19 AM
I'm from LI and went to school down in Maryland. I met my first super Italian-American who was from Annapolis, and I had I had a hard time believing that they could exist without a thick BK accent and bling. Given this post I'm sure most people could identify with my surprise! :)
P.S The girl who LOVED Lucas Prata is from my hometown and I am overcome with pride.
Posted by: Sarah | August 23, 2007 at 10:32 AM
stellakowalski: We DO have guidos/ginos like this in Canada. Go to a magical, mystical place called Woodbridge and you'll never be the same...
Posted by: ekar | August 23, 2007 at 11:25 AM
The third photo down, the girl on the left with that funky ass hair looks like Rachel Dratch.
Rich: Great post.
Posted by: Blair | August 23, 2007 at 11:50 AM
Loving that I live in LA right now.
And I know my bald ass has no room to talk, but are guys STILL doing that fucking gelled up anime spikey hair shit there? Fucking retarded.
Love you, love your blog.
Posted by: johnny | August 23, 2007 at 12:09 PM
OMG...everyone looks exactly the same! I am from LI, moved to Texas when I was 7, moved back to LI when I was 17. Some how, I missed the big-hair phase. Moved upstate NY about 6 years ago, and every time I return to LI, I am scared.
My SIL looks like the girls in those photos. I once overheard someone say that she was a beautiful girls until she opened her mouth to speak. LI accent to the max, baby!!
Rich & BF = HOTTie-HOT-HOT!!!
Love the doggie...Lhasapso?
Posted by: Dara | August 23, 2007 at 12:22 PM
Rich -- you are even cuter than the dog.
Posted by: claire | August 23, 2007 at 12:33 PM