Justin Timberlake, Douchebag

I find myself often going out of my way to experience things I hate. I'm not a masochist, I just like being right -- I like unspoken validity some asshole friend of a friend gives you whenever he shows up and starts talking about his AmEx bill or starts using the word "hipster" 5,000 times in a single conversation (this is totally off-topic, but I'll never get around to saying it otherwise: BITCHING ABOUT HIPSTERS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "HIPSTER" REPEATEDLY IS ABOUT THE MOST HIPSTSER THING YOU CAN DO, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIPSTER). Sorry about that. My point is that being right is fun and so is funneling your negative energy to a single source, which is why I watched HBO's Labor Day broadcast of Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow concert. But you know what? I was wrong: previously, I had thought JT was a mere weenie. Not the case. He is, instead, a douchebag.

And god, what a douchebag he is. His middle name is Massengil. Instead of a nose, he has a nozzle. He is a not-so-fresh feeling in my genitals on a breezy beach day.

Seriously. He's the kind of asshole who tells people to get out their lighters (and, in a 2007 twist, cell phones!) to salute him during a ballad. He laughs at his own unfunny jokes. He makes falsetto interjections for no reason. He wipes a (one) nonexistent tear from his eye to exemplify gratitude. He acts like he's playing the guitar, when in fact, he might not be -- check the second clip in the video below (and the slow-mo replay that follows). I know some people over-strum, but it looks to me like his rhythm is seriously off, especially when he strums and no sound comes out. I can't say for sure if he's faking it, but I wouldn't put it past him -- his craft is artifice. The dichotomy of his pipsqueak Lothario and castrated pussy personas that made FutureSex/LoveSounds such a chore to get through is only amplified in his live show. I don't buy either act. They're so flashy and broad and cartoonishly dudeish, it's as though he was raised by '80s-movie frat boys. I know that pop music revels in falseness, but Timberlake's shtick is particularly unbelievable. I'm insulted that he thinks I'm dumb enough to buy it.

So yeah, that's why he repeatedly annoys me and to celebrate that annoyance, I've assembled some clips that best exemplify his douchiness. If you're with me on that point, I think you'll get this. If you're not, and you actually like the guy, I feel like this video will be a big so-what. In that case, you're already gone and there's nothing I can do for you. Tonight, I shall drying a (one) nonexistent tear for you.

(Download)

Comments

[Meg]

I'm glad you have these feelings about JT, too. I was beginning to think all 'mos thought he was OMG LOLZ FAB-U-LOUS! He makes me take a one way trip to Vom Town. Overrated. I even thought he was overrated back in the day when I was 13 years old and he was in N Sync...now at 21, I still think he's lame.

there is still soo much NSync in him. the only difference is he can swear and be sexual. that thing where he faked doggie style was so bizarre.

but! the video gave me a good laugh, so all is well.

[TIff]

Hah! I love you for this post.

[Kitty]

I like how he interjects a "fucking" every now and then into his little drops of linguistic vomit. He reminds me of a middle school kid that just discovered "bad words" and tries them out whenever his parents are out of the room.
I've always wanted to punch Justin Timberlake in the teeth, but now, after watching that wonderful video you made, I REALLY want to punch him in the teeth.

[Ryan]

Thank you!

I hate this douchebag-punk-ass bitch. Can someone please tell me why he embarasses himself playing both the piano and guitar in his shows when he only knows three chords?? It doesn't make us a think you are a "real" musician, asshole.

[Vagabondblogger]

Great video. He thinks an awful lot of himself, and he's so full of shit. Maybe he should stick it in a box - and then throw it away.

[Daniel]

Looks the same as the rest of the pop/hip-hop/R&B tripe I see. Every. Fucking. Day.

I wish I could have watched this and saved myself 2.5 hours last night. Douchebag or not, there was no excuse for the marathon smoooooth jazz fest that was the "Futuresex/Loveshow." And I love how Britney's last tour got her crucified for being "too risque," while Justin Doublestandardlake gets away with constant swearing, on-stage drinking, and ass fucking.

[lizzbee]

Ugh-- he looks like a younger, more stubbly Mel Gibson in those clips. Spew!

[Tania]

OMG I'm so embarrassed for Justin Timberlake. I have never seen such douchebaggery. I can't stop cringing. Thank you for revealing the truth.

[Madame M]

...his pipsqueak Lothario and castrated pussy personas...

You're a funny guy, Rich, but it is your absolutely amazing and crisp use of language that brings me to my knees (though I prefer "personae" as the plural).

That was compelling proof of Massengillity as any I've ever seen.

(though I'm not sure how much I've truly seen)

[moss]

But what is so much worse about this than anything else? He's giving the teenyboppers what they want. He's good at it.

This to me is what all pop music is like, a sort of winking vulgarity. I don't see how Justin Timberlake is in a class by himself.

[shannon]

My best friend and I watched it on fast forward last night (seriously could the songs be any longer, damn!) and I bet him $5 that JT was going to say something to the effect of "It's always been my dream to play Madison Square Garden... blah blah blah" in his encore speech. Luckily it wasn't a real bet because he didn't say exactly that, but that whole thing about how fucking great his job is pissed me off. Oh Justin... Even though he sucks and is only adored by 13 year old girls and most of the twinky gay boy population, he's going to be laughing all the way to the bank when he can retire at 30 and I'll be working until the day I die.

[Boodie]

I have not been able to stand Justin Trousersnake since nipplegate with Janet, he hung her out to dry, she took ALL the blame and instead of him being even the slightest bit gentlemanly about it, weasled his way out of any responsibility so fast he set a new speed record for a snake.

[spazmo]

Moss~ "winking vulgarity" is a wonderful term that, unfortunately, conjures up a nauseating image of Justin's penis.

A penis dripping with faux-sincerity and custard-like self-satisfaction.

[red ranger]

well the only songs that I liked from him is "nothing else" from justified and "til the end of time" in fs/ls. I agree that he is too narcistic so ima start comparing him to a similar artist and that is no other than Robin Thicke. I read your Robin Thicke article a LONG back and he is still the same, therefore I love (100x) Robin Thicke for not being any close to JT.

[Dean]

Tool.

[MichaelTLH]

The little hop-step-bow at the end made me vomit.

[LaSexorcisto]

So I was in Vegas this past weekend and my friend really really wanted to go see this shitbag's show at Mandalay Bay. And the only way I could get her to relent was to agree to go to the Celine show. Not my cup of tea as far as music but Celine is just amazing, in the same way I'd imagine direct contact with an alien species would be. She's just a fruitcake. Anyway, I'll stop rambling and will say that looking at Rich's assembled video montage, I'm glad I spent my $ on crazy Celine instead of Justin Massengill.

[Mike]

I'm so cool, I hate all things pop! JT has done something very few people have done. He has cred in the hip hop scene, the indie rock scene (see http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/ for examples), and just about any other scene. He managed to win over people from all walks. And while you can sit there and talk about what a douche he is, he gets to count his money and sleep with the top 10 hottest chicks in Hollywood.

[David]

Every time I see him, I think about that time he cried on Punk'd and called his mommy. That makes me smile...

[LaSexorcisto]

"And while you can sit there and talk about what a douche he is, he gets to count his money and sleep with the top 10 hottest chicks in Hollywood."

LOL I was waiting for the whole "You're just jealooz" bit. And btw, Cameron Diaz is ugly as hell and Jessica Biel looks like a man. Only Scarlett would qualify even though she SOUNDS like a man. I don't get why he gets cred in the hip hop scene beyond trying to sell records to little white girls. I don't hate pop music at all. You should see my Madonna record collection! I just hate JT because he's a f-in' poser.

[Beth S]

He's so proud of himself, he and Beyonce need to get together and have a concert where they just congratulate each other over and over.

[moss]

SPAZMO!! HURRRRL

that is so gross, ahhaahahah.

and LOL.. I'm glad I'm not friends with "Go see Timberlake with me" "Oh only if you go see Celine Dion with me"

It's like, "Cut off your nipple with me" .."Only if we get to put knives up our asses!"

YAY FRIENDSHIP!!

[Katie W.]

That was hilarious. Every time the "Hell Yeah!" looped, I would snort because I was laughing so hard. While I think it's a bit fabulous that he's been nominated for an Emmy for "Dick in a Box," I just can't stand the guy. Thanks, Rich, for providing me with such hilarity on an otherwise boring work day. (Also: I love your "Rock of Love" blog. You Rock, Rich The Blogger!)