Justin Timberlake, Douchebag

I find myself often going out of my way to experience things I hate. I'm not a masochist, I just like being right -- I like unspoken validity some asshole friend of a friend gives you whenever he shows up and starts talking about his AmEx bill or starts using the word "hipster" 5,000 times in a single conversation (this is totally off-topic, but I'll never get around to saying it otherwise: BITCHING ABOUT HIPSTERS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "HIPSTER" REPEATEDLY IS ABOUT THE MOST HIPSTSER THING YOU CAN DO, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIPSTER). Sorry about that. My point is that being right is fun and so is funneling your negative energy to a single source, which is why I watched HBO's Labor Day broadcast of Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow concert. But you know what? I was wrong: previously, I had thought JT was a mere weenie. Not the case. He is, instead, a douchebag.

And god, what a douchebag he is. His middle name is Massengil. Instead of a nose, he has a nozzle. He is a not-so-fresh feeling in my genitals on a breezy beach day.

Seriously. He's the kind of asshole who tells people to get out their lighters (and, in a 2007 twist, cell phones!) to salute him during a ballad. He laughs at his own unfunny jokes. He makes falsetto interjections for no reason. He wipes a (one) nonexistent tear from his eye to exemplify gratitude. He acts like he's playing the guitar, when in fact, he might not be -- check the second clip in the video below (and the slow-mo replay that follows). I know some people over-strum, but it looks to me like his rhythm is seriously off, especially when he strums and no sound comes out. I can't say for sure if he's faking it, but I wouldn't put it past him -- his craft is artifice. The dichotomy of his pipsqueak Lothario and castrated pussy personas that made FutureSex/LoveSounds such a chore to get through is only amplified in his live show. I don't buy either act. They're so flashy and broad and cartoonishly dudeish, it's as though he was raised by '80s-movie frat boys. I know that pop music revels in falseness, but Timberlake's shtick is particularly unbelievable. I'm insulted that he thinks I'm dumb enough to buy it.

So yeah, that's why he repeatedly annoys me and to celebrate that annoyance, I've assembled some clips that best exemplify his douchiness. If you're with me on that point, I think you'll get this. If you're not, and you actually like the guy, I feel like this video will be a big so-what. In that case, you're already gone and there's nothing I can do for you. Tonight, I shall drying a (one) nonexistent tear for you.

(Download)

Comments

[spiffy]

Wow, 99% haters... I was expecting to read this flood of JT fans to come and defend him.

I don't think I detest him as much as y'all do; but most of the time I don't like to see him playing live, precisely for the same reasons Rich had already mentioned. The only time I thought he was good was his "Lovestoned" number on last year's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show -- and that was because of the choreography. But his studio tracks are somewhat pleasant, and I'll admit that I rather enjoyed his SNL appearances (sans the live performances of his own songs, and that stupid 'mophobic bit about not wanting to serenade a dude.)

But thanks Rich! I was thinking of leeching the show off torrents; now I can save the bandwidth!

[akasha]

I agree with the sentiment, Rich, even though my hate does not go so deep. I actually liked him in Nsync and with his first solo album, but his latest one really turned me off. I just can't relate to the sound he's got going now, the whole SexyBack thing really irritates me.

Something wierd's happening with his looks too, it's like he's slowly turning into slightly pervy middle-aged dude. Have you seen the video to 'Ayo Technology' with 50 Cent? I can totally see him as creepy stalker guy now!

[rj]

omg I'm so glad you posted this -- I looooove JT Too! WhooooooT!

[Fairmaiden327]

Rich, I just saw this with my 12 year old who loves him and when he saw him faux fuck the dancer, he was like, "he is a douchebag, I'm out."

Ummmm, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Vanessa]

Rich, I love you so much I actually sometimes watch that shitty Bret Michaels show just to give your Celebreality posts the proper context (I know, I could be the lamest human being alive.)

And if you didn't think so just based on the above confession alone, this will probably seal it: I love me some JT. LOVE him. I wasn't really an Nsync fan because I was old enough to remember Jordache jeans when they came out, but I love me some solo JT. Love both albums. Think he is the epitome of cuteness-after you and Tim Gunn of course. Think he is criminally underrated as a musician-damnit it, I say it without irony. And I'm sad that the only poster who even partly agrees with me about his undoucheyness seems to base their opinion solely on their desire to get a mouthful of his junk.

Sadness. But I still love you.

[BrianG]

Mermaids, gay, Riley?

The douchiest part was when he made the Hulk Hogan ear while playing the electric piano keyboard with one hand....

I've watched this clip now at least 6 times. Am I part douche for doing so? Rich, PLEASE recap Britney's performance at the VMA's!

[Izzy]

Oh thank you, thank you so much for pointing this out. After half-watching that tedious concert I felt bad for being bored, glad to see I'm not the only one.
Now if only people would realize that Futursex/Lovesounds blatantly rips off N.E.R.D's Fly or Die and JC Chasez's Schizophrenic I would believe in Santa Claus again.

[Tai]

I think I like Justin because he seems to revel in his douchebaggery. Still, loved the post Rich!

Also, while watching Britney "perform" yesterday at the VMAs, all I was thinking was "God, I hope Rich recaps this!" So, big thanks!

[Hilda]

He's a punk. But he does put on a good show.

[Nictate]

Bless you, FourFour, for calling Timberfake out. I've never understood his appeal.

Great line, by the way:

"And god, what a douchebag he is. His middle name is Massengil."

I would like to brag about a line I wrote about The Justin back when he exposed Janet's boobage at the SuperBowl:

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's not the first time he's ripped something off from a Jackson."

[gabba]

A guy took me to a JT concert (with Pink as the warmup) for a first (and last) date. Pink rocked, JT SUCKED. I just got why the teeny boppers like him -- his package is all smashed down like a Ken doll and HE'S NOT SEXY IN THE LEAST -- hence, not threatening. If he was really sexy, girls would probably be afraid of him (as would their parents). I liked the song Sexy Back til that night when I realized he was only "indicating" sexy and phoning in his performance -- not at all present.

[cwistomoweina]

um....
did he seriously pantomime assfucking a girl right-side up?

[victoria]

I think this is stupid. I mean, he's a douchebag for laughing, licking his lips and etc? So we're all douchebags. Who has never acted like a fool? No one. Also, he's a showman, he HAS to entertain you, laughing, talkin' to the audience or whatever. I would fall asleep watching only one person singing or playing an instrument and not dancing or speaking to the fans. Yes, sometimes, the dance routines he has in his concerts are a bit "sexual", but it makes sense, 'cause the name of the concert and album is FutureSEX, so it's ridiculous if you point that as bein' stupid. About the guitar thing, I was at his concert, and all the things he did were absolutely LIVE. He was singing (he never lipsyncs) while playing the piano (you can't play difficult notes WHILE you sing, duh), the guitar and dancing. To the ones talkin' 'bout the producers, he is one of the most hardworking people out there. He co produced and co wrote his whole album, wrote and produced for a whole other bunch of artists (between them, MADONNA, he did both things in 10/13 songs of her upcoming album). I don't understand how can people hate so much someone you don't know. He might sometimes be arrogant (he's a human, he can make mistakes, and has a personality like everyone), and sometimes he misbehaves in public, but mainly because of the cameras IN THE FACE, and the fans that bother him in the most inappropriate moment (for ex, when he's having lunch). He needs his personal space like everyone else. Yet, people bash him for that... it's lame. Simply lame.

[victoria]

Oh, and misbehavin' in public (or making mistakes during an interview) doesn't mean you are a bad person in your real private life. Once, my mates and I asked for photos, and he was a cool guy with us (we weren't asking for pictures while he was eating, or working or entering a club/hotel, ok?). People are so special when it comes to celebrities... so sad...

[laura]

your an ashole i hate you!!
i love justin forever
if you dont like him or make him stupid than you just cant accept that he has so much more succes with girls or whatever in music or something!!
if you dont like him you are stupid guy and than you gay!!

xx

[Lfufhump]

IDvTVx

[p]

He's the ultimate douchebag.