Justin Timberlake, Douchebag

I find myself often going out of my way to experience things I hate. I'm not a masochist, I just like being right -- I like unspoken validity some asshole friend of a friend gives you whenever he shows up and starts talking about his AmEx bill or starts using the word "hipster" 5,000 times in a single conversation (this is totally off-topic, but I'll never get around to saying it otherwise: BITCHING ABOUT HIPSTERS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "HIPSTER" REPEATEDLY IS ABOUT THE MOST HIPSTSER THING YOU CAN DO, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIPSTER). Sorry about that. My point is that being right is fun and so is funneling your negative energy to a single source, which is why I watched HBO's Labor Day broadcast of Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveShow concert. But you know what? I was wrong: previously, I had thought JT was a mere weenie. Not the case. He is, instead, a douchebag.

And god, what a douchebag he is. His middle name is Massengil. Instead of a nose, he has a nozzle. He is a not-so-fresh feeling in my genitals on a breezy beach day.

Seriously. He's the kind of asshole who tells people to get out their lighters (and, in a 2007 twist, cell phones!) to salute him during a ballad. He laughs at his own unfunny jokes. He makes falsetto interjections for no reason. He wipes a (one) nonexistent tear from his eye to exemplify gratitude. He acts like he's playing the guitar, when in fact, he might not be -- check the second clip in the video below (and the slow-mo replay that follows). I know some people over-strum, but it looks to me like his rhythm is seriously off, especially when he strums and no sound comes out. I can't say for sure if he's faking it, but I wouldn't put it past him -- his craft is artifice. The dichotomy of his pipsqueak Lothario and castrated pussy personas that made FutureSex/LoveSounds such a chore to get through is only amplified in his live show. I don't buy either act. They're so flashy and broad and cartoonishly dudeish, it's as though he was raised by '80s-movie frat boys. I know that pop music revels in falseness, but Timberlake's shtick is particularly unbelievable. I'm insulted that he thinks I'm dumb enough to buy it.

So yeah, that's why he repeatedly annoys me and to celebrate that annoyance, I've assembled some clips that best exemplify his douchiness. If you're with me on that point, I think you'll get this. If you're not, and you actually like the guy, I feel like this video will be a big so-what. In that case, you're already gone and there's nothing I can do for you. Tonight, I shall drying a (one) nonexistent tear for you.

(Download)

Comments

[LaSexorcisto]

moss: Just to clarify, I didn't really wanna go to see either Timberdouche or Celine. My friend basically bitched and whined about not going to see Timberdouche so I asked if there was another show she wanted to see, and she chose crazy-ass Celine.

Frankly I rather spend my Vegas money at the blackjack table instead of the overpriced shows. Timberdouche tickets were going for up to $200.

[Mark Oshiro]

You are totally right.

[Mark Oshiro]

You are totally right.

[Baboo]

it's funny how it's entertaining to us to see him be such a gawk, it's almost like watching a bug being crushed.
I almost (ALMOST) feel bad that he has to be such a douche to suceed

[Leanne]

I don't feel one way or the other about him. I judge celebs by how well they host Saturday Night Live. He made me laugh with Dick in a Box, Omeletteville, and the Gibbs brothers, so I guess he's okay in my book. Regardless of the music, he has a rock hard body. We can all just mute the fucker and watch sweat drip down his chest.

[deeyou]

God yes, i thought i was the only one.

[Solstice]

Naughty girls need love too! Wow.... you took me way back Rich.
"Samantha Foxx is such a wild dame"
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Full Force?!??!?! LOL
Thanks for that one.

[Henry Evil]

The assfucking pantomime was the worst thing I've ever seen.

[Henry Evil]

By the way, Rich, I love the new banner. I hope you write a piece about the new Halloween remake? I'd like to hear what you thought of it.

[moss]

LaSexorcisto: I am sorry, I wasn't reading carefully and I misunderstood. Thanks for the clarification.. and at least you didn't have to see Mariah Carey! That would have made me claw my ears off.

[milkyaqua]

Forget Justin, he's no more of a tool than any other major pop star (Beyonce included).

What do you think of Britney's Gimme More?

[Julia]

Here is my secret shame: I think he is cute and I am over 43 years old. His music makes me want to gag and he cannot dance and that hat needs to go, the list goes on and on, oh and he swears too much , JUST to be cool, not like real swearing, but he is nice for me to look at.
There, I confess.

[Dorkatron]

Rich, I swear we must share a brain or something. Maybe a nerve.

I fregan hate this moron, he is the suckiest suck that ever sucked. And knowing you feel the same way makes ME feel happy that Im right again.

p.s. The only funny thing about Dick in a Box we're the outfits & the hair.

[Christina]

Hee hee. I love you Rich. The douche reel was spectacular.

[CaliGirl]

Thanks: I got a free douche!!! A douche in a box!!!!

[felipeanuel]

I have a soft spot for cheesy entertainment and Justin is like big old cute hunk of white medium cheddar. Therefore I'm a bit of a fan -- or maybe a stan-- when it comes to him and damn near felt compelled to pounce on like all those folks you riled up with your assessment of "Dreamgirls" (You don't understand cheese culture!). But I feel where you're coming from.

I saw the show live and couldn't help but to roll my eyes more than a fews times(the superfluous cursing and bump&grind act just to get a rise from fawning fans and the gospel choir curtain piece). And I saw the show on HBO and couldn't help but to fast-forward through a few numbers.

So thankfully I'm not too far gone and that video highlight reel definitely had me wiping away existent tears as a result of the hilarity. Although that lip-licking loops got me some kind of other way. He got a real purdy mouth.

[Get Over Yourself]

Mike, you clearly don't read fourfour very much. He's a HUGE pop fan, so your first sentence is way off, but nice try.

Also, Justin lost a LOT of credibility for the way he handled the Super Bowl, and a lot of black folks turned on him. I'm pretty sure Pitchfork doesn't speak for the whole indie rock scene, so that claim seems skeptical, too (not to mention you didn't provide any actual examples, just a generic link).

[svrb]

I can't believe this is his job either. Give the people what they want, I suppose. I was only minorly annoyed by him from the neverending onslaught of commercials for this crap on HBO before watching that; now it's full-on loathe.

[Donny B]

There's something very musical theater about him. He's like the "jazz hands" of pop/r&b.

[M]

As if I couldn't love you any more than I already do, you go and write this. My heart is just pouring over with love right now. You had me at, "His middle name is Massengil." LOVE you!!!! (Hate the JT. He's as fresh as a Summer's Eve.)

[Greg]

Thanks God someone is pointing out what a fraud this asshole is! He is a choir nerd who found success. Have you seen that clip of him on "Star Search" or the clip of him in the childs' beauty pageant. That anyone would embrace him as sexy or a lothario is hilarious to me. Any time I see him, I think what fools people are for buying his act. Oh, and I feel the same way about Usher.

[anono]

im to busy masturbating to Britney Spear's new single to care about JT.

[Amish-a Barton]

Over the years, I've been fascinated by JT's 'transformation' from teeny-teen to Blow-thario.

Rich, thanks for succinctly documenting that the lamb-haired douche of yesteryear has indeed grown into the quasi-adult mimedouche of today.

[Christina]

I have to say that... I secretly like Justin Timberlake. I'm pretty sure this is a common personality disorder amongst us lesbians. It didn't hurt that Scarlett was in one of his videos...

That was funny. The 'black-ccent' took it over the top for me. I can not stand that ass hole.