Upon releasing Mila, Tyra realized that what she was doing was, in fact, a lot like releasing the hounds.
Except, there was only one.
I love this shot because it was a split-second crack in the facade of a perpetual optimist. She's eliminated and she has to endure Ebony's pawing? Why not glue some giant sequins on her face and tell her she's a fish to create the most unfortunate send-off ever in Top. Model. History?
Also, during her exit interview, Mila said, "I think if you concentrate on the positive, the negative things go away." And yet, someone so upbeat is the thing that's going away at this moment.
Ah, irony.
18. Chantal
Chantal cries over the beauty that the ANTM house's view affords. When asked if she's OK, she responds that she's never been better. Blah, irony.
19. Victoria
She didn't even need a tear stick or anything (at least as far as we saw). What a pro!
20. Lisa
That whole wipe-your-sister-in-Top Modeling's-tears-away thing is one of my favorite moves of this show. You know Tyra's all pissed like, "Hey! I'm the only one who's allowed to stick my fingers in people's eyes and I only do that before they cry to prod out the tears!"
21. Lisa
After being called out for her stripperly ways by bitchy bitch Bianca, Lisa raged to the camera, "America isn't perfect and everybody goes through their ups and downs and if you so determined to making something out of yourself, you go to whatever you have to do." As this is barely coherent, I think an image that came later best sums it up:
Because in the entertainment industry, 9 times out of 10, "whatever you have to do" means swallow. Congratulations, Lisa, our (Post-) Blowjobface of the Week. (Really puts that, "I'm promising everybody, you're gonna see me on the cover of Vogue one day. I'm gonna do it. I don't care what I have to do, I gotta do it." quote into perspective, no?)
22. Heather
I think that this was taped during the casting special, but whatever. Counts. Heather tearfully resolves, "I'm not going to let this autism bring me down. This is going to be the thing that makes me stronger." If she's talking about her character development, she's right on the mark.
23. Heather
I have nothing smart-assed to say about this. In the 20 seconds we heard Heather talking to her mom (whose words are subtitled above), it became clear that Heather was reared by a saint. Seriously, it's rough when your kid has problems to the magnitude of Heather's and her mom's gentle tone of encouragement was truly beautiful to witness. Yay for moms.
24. Ebony
That this tear track was visible from the second Tyra started her Bottom 2 speech really impressed me. But then it got better.
So much better!
Do you see how the snot is running out of Ebony's nose? And...
...she doesn't even bother to wipe it? This made me really respect Ebony: at least she owns up to her snot-facedness.
But you know who wouldn't ever do that?
Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "You're such a beautiful girl, but it's a pretty girl just sitting there. And that's not what models get paid to do." I know that this has been the show's underlying message for the extent of its run and all, but, god, it sounds hilarious when verbalized. I've watched over 100 hours of this shit (multiple times) and all I have to say to that is, "Yuh-huh."
Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - "One thing you have to watch is your hoochiness. Just kinda...get hoochie. You don't have to, like, hoochify yourself to be beautiful." These are the moments I live for, you know? Hoochie, hoochiness, hoochify. I feel like we're conjugating. Dudes, let's get butt naked and hoochamos anoche.
Tyraism of the Week No. 3 - "You all did a very controversial photo shoot this week. During my modeling career, 98 percent of models smoked or had smoked before. So we're taking a stand on America's Next Top Model. This is a No. Smoking. Cycle. So many young girls are fans of America's Next Top Model and right now, so many young girls are fans of you. So if they see their idol puffing and smoking a cigarette, what does that make them think? 'Wow, she's smoking? That's cool.' So that's why smoking will be banned as of tomorrow. So if you want to smoke tonight, get your last puffs. And then it's over."
I look forward to the day that someone confronts Tyra with the actual definition of "controversial" because she's been misusing it for years (every time she says it she means "potentially controversial," as the chatter about whatever provocative stunt she's doing on Top Model isn't possible for, you know, months after the show's taped). I hope that moment is televised and, let's face it, there's a strong possibility that it will be. Also, 98 percent is rather specific for a number that she formulated by educated guess at best, but more likely just pulled out of her IBS-having ass. She continues to alienate the gay boys watching this show -- what, so it's OK for them to smoke, Ty Ty? They're going to hell anyway, right, why not get started smoking early? Finally, if there are girls out there who are idolizing the people they see on reality TV, that's about as big of a threat to the health of future generations as cigarettes, don't you think? Broaden your scope, Tyra.
Tyraism of the Week No. 4 -
I know it's typical and we've basically seen it before, but it just felt...unnatural to ignore it. Call it a Richism if you must.
1. Hey, what's up with Heather?
Huh? I can't hear you.
Sorry. Every time you get to the word "mild," my mind wanders to the realm of salsa and Thai food.
Tyra? Maybe you could shed some light?
Ah, so wise. Now, do you have any dookie-covered percentages to make you seem even more authoritative? No? Oh well, there's always a next time, which is actually a literal truth in this case -- count on them defining Asperger's at least once an episode until Heather's eliminated (which is probably just to say: at least once an episode for the rest of the cycle). Asperger's is totally the new go-sees!
And on that topic, there's some nasty bitches in that house, right?
Janet says, "Heather, I know she's kinda spacey and that's part of who she is and stuff...", while Kimberly opts for the even less humane, "I feel like she thinks, like, I'm a complete bitch, because she'll talk to me and I'm like, honestly, like, I really don't wanna listen. 'Cause I don't want her to, like, cling to me and be, like, I'm her go-to person."
Less humane, that is, in the sense that she's practically ramming my ass with all of her "likes." I'd get that checked out -- it could be a mild linguistic disorder.
Anyway, it's hard not to feel for Heather when you see this going on juxtaposed with heart-string-tugging shots of Heather with her stuffed monkey.
My take on this is that Heather probably is a pain in the ass to deal with, especially for the uninitiated and youthful (who are, let's face it, selfish by default). I think that Heather's probably getting an easy edit because those in charge are a bit older and wiser than the talent and they are thus capable of compassion. Uh...and, I uh, lost what my point was. Um, maybe it's that the girls in the house represent the bitchy bitches, while those behind the scenes are the fun bitches?
Anyway, I'm totally on Team Heather, even if she's annoying the cutting-room floor to pieces. But you know what I just can't get behind? The way she pronounces her affliction: "ahs-bergers." Not that I'm, like, surrounded by discourse on various behavioral syndromes or whatever, but I've never heard it said that way. It's so formal! It's as though Heather's awkward and socially inappropriate...but with her pinkies out! Anyway, my two minutes of Google research confirm that the general pronunciation is not "ahs" but "ass." I think Heather pronounces it the way she does so as not to invoke this sort of imagery:
But you know what? When she says it like "ahs-burgers," it just makes me think of "ass burgers" even more. Mmmm. Juicy ass burgers.
Of course, Victoria is disapproving about the entire matter.
Oh Victoria, calm down. Take a break. Eat an ass burger. If you don't, people will immediately not like you. Fact.
2. Speaking of asses...
I'm sure many will disagree with me, but Bianca's wildly insensitive behavior only makes me love her more. See, in the end, it turns out that the bitchy bitch is the fun bitch. They were one in the same, all along, like Mrs. Gulch and the Wicked Witch of the West.
That shot doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying. I just like looking at it.
I love that Bianca carries herself like, I don't know, Captain Spaulding from House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects or some biker whose misanthropic drunken antics entertain himself much more than anyone else.
Love love love how Dynasty the Bianca vs. Lisa started, all pursed lips and shit-eating grins.
You may say that Bianca's stripper comment to Lisa was below the belt. To that, I say: what belt? She's a stripper!
Ain't nobody claim you coherent, honey.
Love also that it all boiled down to, "You real lame, Lisa. You real lame." You won't catch that kind of lameness coming from Bianca. Even when she's making up...
...she's not. "I'm very strategic about everything. When I apologized to Lisa, it's not because I want to. It's because I wouldn't want what I said to Lisa to come up in panel and to be looked at by Tyra like putting people down." We've got a thinker on our hands!
Also, her voice sounds so much like Fantasia's, just less twangy. Bianca is the hood rat to Fantasia's country mouse.
Also? Her taste in hats is...questionable.
An obviously awesome person who goes by the name of Rosa M., emailed me to note how similar Bianca looks to Boober Fraggle, thanks to that hat.
Yes, indeed. And you know what? I like this comparison as much as I like the concept of Boober himself. I like the idea of a Muppet whose hat placement saves Jim Henson Studios money on big plastic eyes. Every little bit counts, you know? Go Boober!
And seriously, have you taken time out recently to contemplate the awesomeness of Boober?
I just can't get over the fact that he has no eyes. That's totally an affliction ANTM should jump on next cycle.
Bianca is so Boober, she fits right into a picture of the Fraggles.
See, can't even find her.
Hey, Victoria. What do you think? Is the whole childhood-reference-assisted-by-Photoshop thing too shticky? Am I getting tired?
Well, fuck you, too. At least I had a childhood.
3. Not to get all Bianca, buuuut...
You're a stripper, Lisa, not a slipper. Get it right, or don't get it at all.
4. So the whole going-green thing?
So dumb, right? I love how Jay explained that, "this cycle, Tyra wanted to pay special attention to the environment, so Top Model is going green!" This cycle. Way to turn social consciousness into a fashion show. Going green is in this season and that's all that matters even though, you know, without a permanent embrace environmentalism, we might not even have seasons. But whatever. Pay no mind to that.
And everyone's cool with the dioxins that were released to create the plastic plants uglying up the house and hitting us over the head with the green theme, right?
It's just like, after reading about the needlessly fabricated nature of her talk show (seriously, if people can't ask their own questions as they arise, Tyra is decidedly sub-Donahue), I just feel like this woman revels in artifice. At this point, she doesn't know a way other than constructed reality. I can't fault her for attempting to teach young girls (and no one else, obviously!) about planetary preservation, and I obviously feel home in the constructed reality she presents. But you know, as a viewer with a brain, I can't help but feel like it's all a big Sanctimonious Day Parade. The upside of that is all you gotta do is attach some strings to Tyra, toss her up in the air and you have your main-attraction falloon.
At least some of the girls are into it. The ball of insight that is Mila says, "I'm pretty supportive of the environmental kick, and it really is important just to be aware of, like, what keeps our earth good." It's sunshine, Sunshine! Jenah says, "Our sweet...ass...limo bus...I looooove it."
I think she loves it because she tried to smoke it. Seriously, how high does she sound? She's taking that whole go-green thing really seriously. Also, I love that when confronted at panel by Tyra who clearly knew that Jenah was a smoker, Jenah said, "I started quitting smoking the second I got back to the house." Oh, I know what that's like. One second can change your life. I started liking girls five minutes ago.
5. OK, so Chantal?
She definitely has grown on me the more I've seen her, but I cannot get over the asymmetry of her face. I couldn't believe that Nigel said that she was "so perfect." I guess in Nigel's reality, "so perfect" means lopsided.
Look at this:
It's a gif I made using two shots -- an unaltered screenshot and a second picture in which I move Chantal's eye. It looks like the frame I altered is the one where her eye is drooping, right? Wrong!
It's just how she looks. I really do think that she's pretty OK despite this, but isn't a symmetrical face like, bare minimum, what you need to be a model? Isn't it the most fundamental attribute of beauty? Everything else can be weird and fucked up as long as the face is symmetrical. Right?
And more on her eyes: I hate that in their critique of Chantal's shot, the judge referred her eyes as being "hooded."
I hate that because it reminds me of clitorises. It's not that I'm anti-clit, I just don't want them on people's faces, you know? I like my female genitalia in crotches and near arms, but nowhere else. Call it a quirk.
You have to "be careful of those kind of eyes." Too much stimulation and they'll twitch like a motherfucker.
Chantal must fall under that "debatable beauty" category Tyra bandies about. And so, instead of throwing a Pretty Party this cycle, the mid-recap break to reflect on all the grossness that passes as modelesque is being renamed to the Questionable Beauty Party. Tyra's going green, I'm going soft. Go figure.
Oh, and here it is:
Special shout-out goes to Bianca's hand!
It's as gnarled as her heart.
6. But I've saved the most questionable beauty for this item:
All right, so, I understand where Mila is coming from. She indeed looked totally ridiculous since that's what this show calls for. I can say that from my couch and laugh all I want. So even though I'm right there with her spiritually, I still think she's an idiot for doing this so openly because you know these people take their concepts So. Seriously. And you knew that they'd just misconstrue her laughter into some sort of breezy attitude about cancer.
And so, I'll carry that thread. Instead of an anti-smoking PSA, here are some alternate statements that Mia's laughing fit would be much more appropriate for:
What I mostly thought of when I looked at Mila, though, was...
Who wore it best? Seriously, Lisa's hair is crazy thin. And while I do understand her beauty a lot more than I did at first...
...(doesn't she look like Cycle 5's Kyle?)...
...I was not nearly as taken by this picture as the judges. She has buck fangs, for one thing. This America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Count Chocula. Or is it?
7. And speaking of WWIB...
...Jenah or Grandpa from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre?
What do you think, Victoria? One side-by-side comparison too much?
Oh, piss up a rope.
8. So, J's afro is going to get bigger for every girl who gets eliminated, right?
I expect the proportions of Gaymonn by the time all is said and done.
9. And speaking of Judges, we're just two episodes in, and I'm already over Twiggy, again. I can't believe she had the nerve to bust out, "The camera loves you" this early. I'm still getting over the last time she said it. And the time before that. And the one before that. You know I'm so pissed off about this shit that I'm not even going to dignify it with a screenshot of her.
Oh and also?
You aren't fooling anyone, "Dhaina." Or should I call you by your, uh, real fake name, Twiggy? I know you're trying to take over the world with a single catchphrase, but seriously, that is no kind of threat of a good time.
10. Here's a game similar to the Chantal one -- tell me which frame is real and which one I doctored?
The answer: they're both real. Duh.
But seriously, girl, you plus size. Can't be doing that. On the upside, she has a "beautiful face." That's such a standard thing to say about a plus-size girl that it's practically an insult at this point. It ultimately just means "fat ass."
11. Speaking of ass, here's Ebony's:
You're welcome.
12. Did you know that Old Navy is the perfect place to find model basics? I didn't, but now I do, thanks to Benny Ninja!
I think that the glamorous corpse of Willi Ninja did at least one twirl, if not a dynamic, syncopated serious of them, in his grave upon hearing that. I mean, there's selling out and then there's turning your back on everything that's good and sensible in the world.
Have you ever seen people more excited for Old Navy?
And I love that when Saleisha was told that for winning the challenge, she'd get a $1,000 shopping spree at Old Navy, she could barely feign excitement.
Because that prize is really more of a burden. Shit is so cheap at Old Navy that it would probably take you hours to spend that kind of money. Seems exhausting. I'd just get $1,000 worth of white socks and be done with it.
But back to Benny: I do love him so.
"Basic? Basic's too basic." Truer words have never been spoken. His logic alone should buy him a permanent place on the panel. And when his time was up and he told the girls, "Hasta la vista, baby," you know he was quoting Jody Watley and not Terminator 2.
Oh and you know how last week, I figured that Tyra doing this is what you see before you die? Not so. It's this:
I find that so much more comforting, I can't even tell you.
I'm FIRST - Great recap, as always!!!!!!
Posted by: NikkiSmith | October 01, 2007 at 11:39 AM
Heather lives on my block. I see her walking around with some mohawked dude a lot. I should direct her to fourfour because...really...this was one of the best recaps yet. What a freaking crazy episode! Tyra is going for all the soapbox points this cycle.
Posted by: Jess | October 01, 2007 at 11:49 AM
Yay! My monday's complete!
Posted by: | October 01, 2007 at 11:53 AM
Can we talk about how Twiggy now hates Victoria simply because Victoria called her out on the fact that "softspoken" and "insecure" are not synonymous? Hilarious. Twiggy sternly telling Victoria to "work on her charm" and screaming "NIGEL!" when he was on Victoria's side were absolutely my favorite moments.
Posted by: emma | October 01, 2007 at 11:58 AM
Super duper fun recap.
I'm really getting peeved with Tyra this cycle already. Usually it takes me a little bit of time before the utter manipulation of this show begins to irk me. The green bus + no smoking + pairing the Asperger's girl up in her first elimination photo + claiming complete knowledge of the syndrome + ... oh, you've already said everything I'd say anyway.
Bad, Tyra.
Posted by: David | October 01, 2007 at 11:58 AM
Oh Rich -- I never post but I laughed so hysterically at Mila's Virginia Slims campaign I made myself a little sick. It may be one of the funniest things you have ever posted ... and we're only on elimination one!
Posted by: Brent | October 01, 2007 at 12:02 PM
I just want to know what the hell "sunken face" is.
Oh, and this may have been noted in the past and I'm sorry if I'm really behind the times, but did you notice that the Top Model house from Cycle 5 is the same house from Rock of Love?
Thanks for the great recap, Rich. I heart you.
Posted by: yo | October 01, 2007 at 12:04 PM
Christ, this one made me howl, Rich. The Cancer PSA's, the "NOT amused" Victoria. Well done. Alive...With Cancer! under Mila literally pissing herself with laughter wearing a a bozo wig will go down as a Four Four classic.
Man, this ep made me want a cigarette SO BAD. It's been 3 years since I quit and I'm never going back, but there's something about stillborn babies, face tumors and Tyra's sanctimonious preachin' that makes me want to reach for some Marlboro Lights (a fag ciggie if there ever was one, except maybe menthols).
Mila has obviously never watched ANTM - NEVER mock Tyra's Important Lesson Of The Day. That is a quick trip out the door, doll. You treat it with all the reverence of Holy Scripture, don't you know that?
Obviously the edit made it seem like the girls were assholes about Heather's Assburger's - no one is that cruel, not even models. But I have concerns about Heather's ability to stay past the acting, on-screen interviewing portion of the show. Girl can barely keep eye contact. You thought Nata was awkward?
Old Navy has some good jeans and a couple hot t-shirts if you care to dig under piles of clothes. Belts are nice, too. Most is just fug, though - good luck, Saliesha.
Posted by: Joe M | October 01, 2007 at 12:06 PM
Did anyone else notice how this cycle Tyra is darker and her hair is a bit lighter? I miss the skin blends in with hair color Tyra.
Also I am loving Heather. You could totally see her Ashbergers when she was trying to pose at panel. She is the one to beat!
I'm with you on the whole hooded thing. Yuck.
Posted by: mer65 | October 01, 2007 at 12:07 PM
Genius Work!!!! I can...cer! Hysterical.
Posted by: Blair | October 01, 2007 at 12:08 PM
pretty funny stuff here - but i have to say that bianca is a b*tch i'm counting the days down to see ELIMINATED. i think this season's underlying theme is ; who's the most mentally unstable? i'm really rooting for the stripper girl to at least rock out some photo shoots .
Posted by: courtney true | October 01, 2007 at 12:09 PM
Good Gawd! ANTM AND Fraggles? You've made my week. Thanks.
Posted by: Beckylooo | October 01, 2007 at 12:10 PM
Daaaang, Rich, I love these recaps so much! They are part of the show, now - I mean, they truly complete it.
I wish I could agree with you on loving Bianca, but eeeew, I hate her. Proof of your genius is your gif of her cackling in that turquoise blankie. It really reveals her core.
LOVE YOU, dude!
Posted by: juliegris | October 01, 2007 at 12:12 PM
Is it just me, or does Bianca's gnarled hand look like she has five fingers, not including her thumb?
Posted by: kim | October 01, 2007 at 12:12 PM
You know who else has a lopsided face that drives me crazy? Shannen Doherty. Good lord, one of her eyeballs is substantially lower than the other one. Google that.
Posted by: chucks | October 01, 2007 at 12:16 PM
rich, i ♥ you. simple as that. great recap my dear!
Posted by: michelle | October 01, 2007 at 12:16 PM
RIch, you are like a ray of sunshine on my crap monday (see my blog)
seriously, reading this is like shitting rainbows into the mouth of a unicorn. your words flow over a person like a calming lava.
from the bottom of my cold heart.
thank you.
Posted by: katryne | October 01, 2007 at 12:18 PM
Damn you Rich, now I have to replace my keyboard and morning cup of coffee! The 'find Bianca Fraggle' pic was too much. Kudos to Rosa M for the comparison. And I always have heard Asbergers pronounced "Ass-ber-jers", so Heather's pronunciation kept tweaking my nerves. I don't know how that child is going to survive in the hellacious world of modelling, is what I thought when we were introduced to her. After hearing her Mom, I'm confident Heather has the tools and needs to remember to use them. She's still my pick.
Posted by: Deborah | October 01, 2007 at 12:18 PM
I still miss Janice. Always will.
Posted by: Gayest Neil | October 01, 2007 at 12:20 PM
Loved it. And yes, the Fraggle pictures were just too much!
Posted by: Raignn | October 01, 2007 at 12:30 PM
Jess: If you SEE her(As opposed to USED TO SEE HER)that means she didn't win and is bak in the hood, right?
Bummer...
Posted by: Claude | October 01, 2007 at 12:31 PM
I don't get this much preaching at Church!
ANTM is seriously getting on my preach nerve. Green, Tyra?! Are these girls going to paddle to their overseas gigs when they are so successful as models? The arbitrary no smoking is rich coming from the eating disorder crowd that Tyra belongs to.
Fraggle Rock ruled!
Posted by: Stormy70 | October 01, 2007 at 12:32 PM
when benny popped up from behind that headless mannequin i shouted, "animated gif!!!" thanks for making my dreams come true.
Posted by: chelsea | October 01, 2007 at 12:36 PM
Your recap is one of the few things that get me through Monday - bless you.
What did Ty say about Bianca's picture at panel - that she had or had *not* seen that face before? Because if she hasn't seen it, she really out to check out that Brandi chick.
Posted by: talix | October 01, 2007 at 12:39 PM
AWESOME!!!
You rock.
Posted by: Stacey | October 01, 2007 at 12:49 PM