A hole in my heart that goes all the way to China

I'll miss Lisa for many reasons, but here's the main one:

Any girl who's going to run around with a stain on her shirt is clearly an asset to this show. The reason for the stain was never explained, but I like to think it was drool. 

66. Lisa

Well, you know how it is: if it isn't Lisa, it's...

67. Heather

If that question isn't rhetorical, it really should be.

68. Heather

If China's like Vegas, this must be the part where Heather gets crabs.

69. Lisa

Lisa cries in the air...

70. Lisa

...Lisa cries without hair (in frame)...

71. Lisa

...Lisa cries as she stares. This show is like Dr. Seuss for Dummies. It only rhymes some of the time.
 

72. Lisa

You know, after all these weeks, she's still got the Pigford Poodle, and she doesn't even have a meaningless title of victory to go with it. Sad. I cry this one with you, Lisa.

73. Lisa

Sometimes you make muffins, and sometimes you get burned.

74. Chantal

Some girls look so pretty when they cry. Cue the crickets.

75. Lisa

And, from the looks of it, she wasted no time putting her bikini-dancing uniform back on. Don't worry, Lisa -- giving clothed lapdances is like riding a bike. You never forget how, and it provides oodles of fun for your crotch.

I joke because I hurt. So. Hard. Really, this is what my soul looks like:

The thing is, I'm not sure if my soul looks like that because Lisa, whom I really got to love, is gone or because I'm afraid to poop at work.

(I'm actually not, much to the chagrin of...everyone, no doubt. But doesn't Lisa's expression bespeak such self-conscious terror?)

Regardless, speaking of defecation...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"Let me give you a tip: if you feel that you are going to cry, cry. Because you have to get that out. Because if you don't, the whole commercial or the photo shoot is going to be like this. 'Cause it's right on the tip. Like, I see you right on the tip of tears right now. Just let it out. Just let it go. Just don't mess up your eye makeup!"

I know that whenever Tyra speaks, since she's Jesus and all, the inherent question that accompanies any declaration is, "Can I get an amen?" And I'm here to say: yes you can. It's just poetry how she's distilled the show's mission statement like this. Perhaps I should append what I said above: ANTM is Dr. Seuss for Dummies as sponsored by Kleenex.

Also, I love that after what would seem to be a relatively empathetic spiel, she added "Just don't mess up your eye makeup!" Forgive me if I'm underestimating makeup's ability to withstand weeping, but isn't telling someone to cry it all out without messing up their makeup like telling someone to eat all they want, they just aren't allowed to chew? Because what it comes down to it, life is a masochistic challenge, and I'm really happy that, again and again, Tyra Banks helps me realize this.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"The modeling industry is all about critique. And we're polite, compared to what your agent will tell you. What we say, as harsh as it may seem, is constructive."

You know, she's right -- in the real world, people will just call these girls fat to their faces. On this show, they tell girls (OK, Sarah), that they aren't fat enough. It's a courtesy, really, a verbal mint on your pillow. Go ahead, eat it. You're allowed!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"You just gotta prove that the California look, girl, can be commercial in a photo. And not go like this, right?"

First of all, she sounds like Scooter from Gobots. I know that reference is soooo gay because Gobots were a mild form of Transformers, but whatever. It's what she sounds like. I think it's beautiful, really. I could listen to that part all day. Here it is isolated. Go ahead, play it on repeat until you can't take it anymore. Remember: it's not worth doing if it isn't masochistic.

Also, she looks less like Chantal, and more like a sheep dog.

...Or maybe Renee Zellweger. Or maybe Margaret Cho's mom. Or maybe just an anus. Look, it's like that scene in Pink Flamingos (you know which one):

That is some kinda dentata.

I love that she did it to Saleisha too, to similar ineffectiveness.

I figured that if I threw in Heather, too, it'd create some sort of devolutionary chain.

1. So what was up with them recording their CoverGirl commercials and taking their editorial shots this episode, instead of during the finale, when it usually happens? I know that they often film commercials first thing upon arriving in the foreign destination, but this was, like, the commercial. How much you want to bet that they just do it all over again on the final episode? You can never have too much Queen Collection...or flesh for the harem that Queen Latifah is apparently assembling. When Nigel was talking about, "that's the kind of queen that Queen Latifah's after," it was a big "How you dooooin'?" moment, let me tell ya.

Anyway, please tell me when this show isn't about the Queen Collection. Its gay following is big enough to make changing the show's title to Queen Collection seem reasonable (or maybe Kleenex Presents The Queen Collection Players in Doctor Seuss for Dummies. That's KPTQCPIDSFD, for those who like lingo). And don't even get me started on the actual queens. Don't even get me started!

"Inside every woman is a queen," went one of the lines in the commercial. Bullshit. Per their appearances, I think that inside every woman is...

...bushels of neck tendons...

...complete and utter mania...

...an ostrich with gas...

...a molesty old lady that hangs out in a mom-and-pop pharmacy...

...Gloria Estefan or...

...a bunny wabbit...

...demons...

...and teeth. Thousands of them, each one more terrifying than the next.

What makes Brent Poer a queen?

Why, that safety pin he wears as a charm! Duh!

And what makes me a queen? The fact that I'm aware of the very existence of CoverGirl's Queen Collection. Thank you, ANTM, for making me gayer beyond even my most romance-novel-esque dreams.

2. You might get the wrong idea from the commercial, but here's a fun fact: the girls don't need to be prompted to say stupid shit. They do extremely well on their own. If you read this blog back when Cycle 6 was on, you may remember a feature called Imagine That! with Jade. Ah, to go back when there was one girl responsible for the bulk of the idiocy. Here, it's spread around pretty evenly. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the episode. And by favorite, I mean that they reduced my IQ. Where those points were in my brain is now just a sense of tingling. It feel nicey!

"Everything's made in China! I'm just thinking shopping, shopping, shopping. Like, a whole bunch of shopping."

I'd make a joke about Biyanka being excited for the endless supply of hazardous toys and goods that China has been gracing the world with lately, but it's no joke: she really is. I think she's already ingested the lead-based toys. That's why she can mostly only say "shopping."

"I had no clue that China was gonna be this futuristic, like, amazing place. I feel like we're part of The Jetsons or something!"

You fool, you aren't part of The Jetsons just because you're in China.

You're part of The Jetsons because you're in China and I just Photoshopped Judy Jetson's hair haphazardly onto your head. Duh.

Also, you're aware that Paris Hilton recently said almost the same thing? Chantal predicted it months ago. She really was in the future.

A cruise ship? It's a regular Cinderella story minus, you know, that unfortunate bit in which Cinderella lives in squalor.

One more from Chantal: "I know that [Heather] can be frustrating." Uh, Chantal? The medical term is "fustrating." Don't diagnose people if you have no idea how to do it. Thanks.

"We're kinda like giants in a land of little people."

Kinda! Now strike that and reverse it, and you have a profound statement on the contrast of intellect between our heroes and the locals. Allegedly.

Also, thanks to Heather, today's secret word is...

..."friggin'." Love that it can be used in good times and bad. Really loyal, friggin' is.

Aaaah! OMG, why the frig is her head so big? I feel like I'm being attacked? Is what what happens when you go to Asia? You get attacked by a giant monster? The movies are right! Oh, sorry. Quote:

"If you are not a male, I'm not gonna share a bed with you. And that's just that." She will, however, wash her lady bits in front of anyone: other girls, the camera crew, animals (at least presumably -- I mean, if you're gonna do it in front of other girls and a camera crew, what do you have to lose by washing your junk in front of animals?). Everyone needs boundaries, I suppose, no matter how haphazardly they're set.

You know what wasn't a stupid thing to say, though?

"I wanna stay positive, but, OK, I'm Bianca. You know, I gotta be me. I'm gonna get sour, and I was sour."

See, at the very least, she's aware of her stankosity. At the most, it's on purpose. Either way, I say go on girl.

3. Seriously, Biyanka is keeping this shit interesting. I feel like I'm going to look back on her and her lead poisoning very fondly.

She easily outdid everyone in this episode's unofficial contest to show the most teeth.

I bet she just has row upon row where most people have a tongue.

She could only be more cartoonish if her mouth were clay.

But even then, you can barely tell that I altered that shot, right? It looks almost natural. Maybe there aren't enough teeth (i.e. white clay) showing, but still: close to the original, right?

Oh, and just in case anyone wants to hold me to standards of political correctness that I only consider begrudgingly and because I'm conscious of others' sensitivity: that mouth isn't some salute to yesteryear's racist depiction of black people. It's borrowed from Mr. Bill, and he's as white of a motherfucker as was ever envisioned. To not put that on Biyanka just because she's black would have been a hell of a lot more racial. So stop being so uptight and ultimately racist, you figment of my paranoid imagination, you.

Where was I?

Oh, right.

She is so. Proud. Of. Herself. For giving Heather a hard time. Keep in mind that Heather was born having a hard time. Next Biyanka will wrestle houseplants and force Yorkies into submission. Always gotta up the ante and find what else can make you proud of yourself, you know?

I would like to point out that in one of her fits of self-love, Biyanka did this:

Basically, she used what she has to make a heart out of herself.

 

So resourceful. Do you know why she did that? For you see...

She is love to such a profound degree that she hugs herself.

If she doesn't, who will?

Now who's autistic? Huh?

4. Oh, but my favorite thing about Biyanka?

Her fear of heights. She is so not caught up in the rapture of those wires.

Do you know how many fucking girls on this show have a fear of heights that's inevitably exploited? Like 5,000. Seriously, that's a tally. Here's what happens when you run out of things to say about aspiring models' fear of heights:

Nonsense happens.

And so, it seems like a good time to bust out this week's Pretty Party. I'm kicking it old school (i.e. last-cycle-esque) because I'm a strong believer in instant vintage. You're only as cool as the brevity of the window of time in which you attempt to bring something back. And that's one to grow on.

Anyway, since the girls went to China this week, it was clearly an episode filled with mirth. And so, I want this week's Pretty Party to be a meditation on the beauty that excitement yields.

   

That's not a blowjobface...

...nor is that...

...that's a blowjobface. And for such a bargain!

And that ends this week's Pretty Party.

5. But it's never really over as long as there's more blowjobface, right? I'm very proud to present a moving, somewhat complicated Blowjobface of the Week:

That's like the blowjob and following mouthwash in one and jumbled. Bravo!

6. The next two items will feature me harping on things I've already harped on extensively. But still, their endurance encourages me to continue harping.

Let's take Jenah, for example.

It looks like she's saying, "How?" My thoughts exactly. How is she on television and more importantly, why? I seriously do not get it. When I see her, all manner of unpleasant thoughts course through my head: Shelley Duvall. That sheep that turned out to be an albino rat after Lisa Simpson shore it down. Cooked shrimp with the legs still on. Ass lice. Ghoulies. It's chilling.

Like, I see her appeal in flashes...

...and as for the rest of the time...

      

...I really just don't get it. Am I just stupid or blind or too gay, or what? At the very least, the panel should have made a big deal by now about the discord between Jenah's appearance in front of them and on film, no? I feel crazy and maybe a little feverish.

I mean, even though Nigel performed an inadvertent impression of Jenah...

...and proclaimed himself "not fond" of Jenah or her entitlement, it still isn't enough for me.

I loved the way Jenah packed, though.

It's comforting to know that she treats her clothes with the same care in which she treats her hair.

All of this is to say that I think that Jenah is decidedly not excellent.

And that brings the number of girls worthy of a Mr. Burns comparison from this cycle up to two. Hot bunch this time around, no?

7. And the second helping of harping:

I'm seriously obsessed. Forget about vagina arms: that thing is nothing less than an axillary vag. I said it before, but this time I mean it: it's not about fat, it's about genitalia popping up in the most unlikely of places.

8. How much you wanna bet that Chantal thought she was a princess when she was a child?

How much you wanna bet that she still does? But to me, she'll always be the girl who eats paste.

I mean, she really looks like she eats paste, doesn't she?

9. I love this guy, whatever his name was!

His criticism was so helpful! "Don't make funny face." Practical! Also, I liked when he called Chantal "beautifully gorgeous blonde hair." He's quoting something off of Big Little Earring Maybe, right?

10. Finally, I would like you to know that if you Google image search "Mr. Burns excellent," this comes up:

I think we all know what that is *cough* vagina frog *ribbit*.

And I think we all know where that belongs.

The lesson of the recap? You can never have too much vagina up in your armpit.

Comments

[Neil]

Great job on the recaps!

[brad]

...an ostrich with gas...

priceless!

[Lisa]

That Chantal photo - JonBenet Ramsey, anyone?

[scorzi]

The Bianca/Heather thing is brutal to watch. I truly think Heather is the prettiest and most photogenic out of all the girls, but as a person who has a sister with Asperger's, I don't think she'll win simply because of the walking and social skills factors. It sucks and I hate it. And I want to throw a rock at Bianca's head for fucking with Heather. Heather looks like a Muppett and ANTM's Brandy. They're both stank, bald, and not going anywhere.

Obscure as hell reference but if you've seen it, you'll know: Jenah looks like the character Shirley Ann in the Civil War mini series The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All. Figured it out and I'm proud of myself!

[Maya]

yeah jenna goes from looking like an unkempt 7th grader to slightly attractive, I bet they will bring up the disconnect soon and abruptly kick her off, because that is how trya rolls

[daniella]

Awesome! Also, I think I know why the girls take showers together. Tyra made that whole rule about 5 minutes in the shower per girl, right? So if they shower together, they get to shower longer.

[Jaclynn]

I love you so much, thank you, don't even care that it was late, thank you, you say what we're allll thinking, lol, rock on!!!!!

[J]

This was an episode prime for ripping it a new one, and you did so with the most expertise you've ever demonstrated.

Firstly, "ostrich with gas" is shockingly astute. Props.

Also, did you kind of feel a little uncomfortable about the disparaging, squinty eye thing that sort of looked like a rudimentary Asian caricature given that they were in Asia? Or is that just me and my cultural sensitivity/hidden prejudice?

FUCK ME best recap!!!!!!!!

[J]

ALSO! Given that CoverGirl's demographic is largely non-white (I think it's like 80% women of color), would it make sense to have a white girl represent them?

AH! Hidden cultural sensitivity/hidden prejudice strikes again! Help me!

[doughgirl]

I hope I'm not first

[Susan]

The Mr Bill lips on Biyanka made me laugh out loud....so accurate!!

[Dtrain]

yumola!

[Jason]

I was laughin so hard my roommate came in to see what was going on.

Aw, thanks rich, you're the best!

[Raignn]

Right on. Loved the Bianca clown mouth.

[Bogatyr]

OMG! Funniest recap in ever so long! I was starting to feel snowed under by snarkiness and general (albeit mostly warranted) anti-Tyrades. And thanks for the memories of "Imagine That! with Jade." Only wished for a direct link to at least one of 'em. Saleisha's neck tendons and Lisa the flatulent ostrich shall live forever. Still, squish squish for Lisa going. She was one of my faves.

[S]

Please, I need more Big Little Earring Maybe in my life.

[dara]

"...tip of tears"

Tay-rant is brillant.

Go, Heather, Go!!!!

I hate Saleshia, please for the sake of mushroom head, Dorothy Hamil hair cuts everywhere, please baby Jesus, don't let her become ANTM.

Thanks for the recap, Rich!

[Jamie]

OMG she does look like Renee Zellweger! Or yeah, an anus, HAAHAHAHA

[yo]

Chantal eats paste. Ha ha ha! That's awesome.

[David]

I really hate this cycle. Even more than Cycle 7. I think it was Cycle 7. Caridee sucks.

[LisaL]

Great recap! You should comment on Dora's aka Saleisha's stank ass attitude problem though.

[Cookie Crawford]

Call me crazy...but despite her height restrictions, I think Bee-yank-ah photographs the most modelesque, besides Heather. But when will we get the longed-for, "I want you two to face each other. Each of you has what the other needs..."? Is that usually saved for the final three?

Did y'all hear Paulina Porizkova is replacing Twiggy on the panel next cycle??????? Thank. You. God! I believe you're out there, now. As I said in another post, Twiggy is a dried-up old thicket.

[jeff r]

yr recaps are better than the episodes this cycle. i swear.

[Joe M]

You are seriously HIGH this week. Vagina frog armpits, what exactly did you smoke? Luvs it, tho - isn't Bianca just *made* for Pretty Party and animated GIF's? Jenah is ugly-pretty; what Tyra insists the modeling industry thrives on. And it does. What was up with Heather's makeup on the commercial, she looked unrecognizable. Y'know who she looked like? That chick who was eliminated from the semi-finals during Cycle 6 who was a bigot and hated gays, the cheerleader from Texas. What was her name? Clearly, learning that being a racist ass wasn't gonna get her screen time, she retooled herself into a mildly autistic spaz. I like her persistence!

ALSO: Twigs is out next cycle. They are bringing in Paulina Poreskova or whatever - that "Cars" singer's model wife, the one who was in that awful 80's film with Tom Selleck. Boring. Boring replaces boring. Why not bring in Naomi or Janice or some other freak to make the place lively? Why you gotta be the only one with personality on panel, TyTy?

Seriously, Rich - this was worth the wait.

P.S. Project Runway rocks. Mmmmm, Rami.