I mean, seriously, putting the big girl in netting? I love how this outfit shows signs of stretching over Sarah's problem areas, giant O's, as if the outfit itself is bitchily saying, "Oh, woooooow!"
I'll get this out now and speak no more of it: I'm not mad at Tyra & Co., for eliminating Sarah, per se. The not-plus-enough argument actually seems plausible. But maybe that's because I've heard it so damn much: during this cycle's first episode, Tyra herself laid out what would come to be Sarah's curse (and twice!): "Looking at your body, I see a girl that could be a plus-size model, but is on the thinner side of that,: and, "I'm just a little concerned that she's a little small for plus." It was there all along, and Sarah didn't have to click her (undoubtedly slightly wide) shoes or anything. They really toyed with her, but because of the blatant foreshadowing, I should have seen this coming. Mostly, I'm mad at myself.
Clearly, Sarah and herself have got some figurin' out to do.
51. Sarah
Sarah, stop crying! You'll lose too much water weight and then you'll never be fat enough to be a...model. Wait, what?
52 - 54. Heather, Jenah and Chantal
Now that the plus-size is gone, they have no one to feel inherently superior to. I think that these tears are tears of schadenfreude.
Not that I knock them for it. The cocktail of piss, vinegar, kitty litter and schadenfreude is what keeps my ass going. To help illustrate that, I turn to Tyra.
Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "It's not, 'I love you'...
...it's, 'I love you.'"
It strikes me now that Tyra's never actually told anyone before that she loves them. She's only seen it in Disney movies featuring soft-spoken princesses (per her first example) and, I don't know...by way of telekenetics? If this doesn't bespeak a mild form of autism, I don't know what does.
Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - "Well, hello sexy girls! Did we have fun with our sexy teach? Can you guys go down? C'mon, down! Melt (?). Down! Down!
And up, two...three.
Boy, you guys look like one big octopus."
Yeah, try to teach an octopus to sit. I simply cannot believe that Tyra so shamelessly proved to a nation that she has these girls trained like dogs, and then the girls actually followed through on the deal and acted like dogs! Tyra says, "Bark!" and they say, "How menacingly?" She says, "Lick your balls!" and they say, "How vigorously?" You know that if she told them to play dead, Chantal's right eye would be all, "Done and done!"
I mean, look at her wielding this big cane at them:
I think she's either stopped caring about coming off like a completely domineering bitch, or she's going senile. Either way: there is excitement ahead!
But wait! The Tyraisms don't stop there, even if Tyra does! The following are three things that weren't said by Tyra, but they might as well have been for all of their propagandic inanity.
Tyraism of the Week No. 3 - Heather: "You know, modeling is not just making pretty picture, it's making art with your body."
So the shot above qualifies as what? Finger-painting?
Tyraism of the Week No. 4:
Tyra wishes she were this insightful...and fierce! I can't wait for the cycle that finds her rocking the receding-hairline-and-paunch look. You know it's coming!
Tyraism of the Week No. 5 - "There's different sorts of sexy, but model sexy is the sexiest."
Ah yes, model sexy. That I-won't-get-my-period-because-I-can't-and/or-don't-want-to look is just the height of hot. Everyone knows that. But really, I love that Lisa's just parroting here, and she clearly has no idea what she's talking about. After all, what is she talking about? Tyra seemed to uphold some hierarchy of sexiness, but with very little explanation. From what I've gathered, model sexy involves uninterrupted knee-to-floor contact...
...like, you know how, back in the day, people believed that if they touched Holy Communion with their hands, it became invalidated or whatever the Catholic word is for it, so when old people receive it, they get all cow-like and stick out their tongues as far as possible at the priest? Yeah, well, if your knees leave the floor when you're model-sexy crawling, it's also invalidated. It's dogmatic, except instead of holy, it's whorey.
Model sexy also involves dressing like absolute whores...
...like, not even real whores but porn actresses playing whores. You know? Whores whose misguided feelings of superiority lead themselves to minstrelize whoredom. That's a lotta layers of whore...and pleather.
Ambreal's breasts look like perfect little cupcakes. Double chocolate, perhaps. She needs some of Hostess' trademark icing garnish to complete her look.
Anyway, you get my point. WHORE.
Model sexy also means you can do this:
But watch out! Overextend and bend too far and you're dilated beyond the city limits of Whoretown. But, then again, maybe that's OK for model sexy, too? See? I'm so fucking confused and I'm actually making a (not at all sincere) effort to parse this shit out.
Finally, model sexy really works best when it's on camera.
Preferably one of those old wind-up jobs that shoots, like, three frames a second. For what are music videos, anyway, but modern stag films?
For real: this is the most confusing and longest Tyraism ever. Even if Tyra didn't say it, she totally meant it, which is the most ludicrous part: when Lisa (Lisa!) ends up looking succinct because she can summarize your nonsense in one sentence, you've got problems. Seriously, Lisa is dumber than a strand of synthetic hair (or lack thereof).
Although, I do kind of love her now. My favorite Lisa moment of the episode happened when she was chosen to be the featured girl in the video. She couldn't have been more excited if she were baking.
And yeah, if you haven't noticed yet, I'm extremely animated-gif happy. I can't help it!
This is like "Thriller," but less...thrilling.
Seriously, I can't stop with the gifs. They just keep coming...
...and coming...
...and Pan's Labyrinth...
...and coming...
...haaaaaaay.
As much as I'd love to freely associate the rest of this shit, I do feel the need for some structure to bang out the rest of my points. This won't be long. Actually, yes it will be.
1. Someone somewhere (in an email, I think? A memo? A neon sign?) compared the "Tim Burton-esque" Heather (what, no Ed Sciss'hands hair?) to any one of those pseudo-scary Asian ladies that populate PG-13 garbage like The Ring and The Grudge.
While I can't stand the source material, I can't deny the aptness of the reference. And look, I cut out some frames to make her even more Asian:
With the right camera...
()
...you, too, can be Asian. And if you already are, you could be more Asian. Just something to consider.
2. Oh yeah, and I guess I should get around to commenting on those nude suits Tyra had the girls wear.
First of all, Sarah was right:
Second of all: so was Bianca. Take another look at the group shot and tell me that Saleisha isn't borderline plus-size. I mean, I think she's plus-size like normal-size (i.e. unemployable-size), but still: bigger than I expected, especially in the thigh region. Not that I'm hating (I loooooove thighs, seriously), I just can't believe that Bianca was right!
Oh, and you know, a few people emailed me about this, but I couldn't spot a lick of camel toe (or is that a spit of camel toe considering the ways of camels and aroused vaginas?). Here's the closest I found:
It's on Heather (duh), but it's not even in the right spot. Really, my view of camel toe has been transformed entirely by this overweight woman (also in a nude bodysuit, imagine!) who appeared on Tyra's talk show. There's a screenshot of the atrocity in the bottom of this post, but I warn you: it's practically NSFW and will haunt you for the rest of your days.
That said, this shot...
...is the greatest symbol of vagina power that I've seen since Alexyss Tylor's leather glove (because you know her shit is tougher than velvet! I'm talkin' about downtown!).
And you know what? This more than made up for the lack of visible lippage:
Look closer:
I mean, that's pornographic in a way that Tyra's never been pornographic before. I can practically see the clit hood. I like to joke about the folds in her arms looking vagina-like, but I had no idea she was storing an actual vagina up in there. There are two distinct lips and everything!
But, then again, I could be wrong. Like, I took this screen shot because it reminded me so much of a vagina...
...or maybe it just reminds me of a Smashing Pumpkins CD. Vagina. Siamese Dream. Either way, utterly unusable to me.
3. So, I guess Chantal has never really studied her face in the mirror, right?
So much confidence for someone so lopsided.
"God just gave me this body and this face, like, to do this." Sweetie, I think God was drunk that day.
I did think it was hot, though, when she was orange.
Now, that's what I call tan. Chester Cheetah would be proud.
4. And speaking of faces...
You know, Bianca gives Heather shit for not having to work hard, as though good DNA gives Heather an unfair advantage. Newsflash: this is modeling! It's an industry based on unfair advantage! It's called life, 8-ball. Plus, yeah, some people do have to work hard, especially when their face tends toward the stankity of Bianca's. Instead of a Pretty Party/Questionable Beauty Bash this week, I present a Mouthwatering Montage featuring you-know-who:
Such an attractive head. If I had my way, it'd hold candles and sit in my living room.
5. I do have to concede to Bianca once again, though: as much as I love Heather and want nothing more for her to win this show and be lacquered in WetSlicks and plastered on every billboard in Times Square, I think that Bianca's right: Heather can't hang in the modeling industry for too long.
It's only a matter of time before she starts masturbating...
...and feeling herself up...
...and fellating a banana on set. The girl, clearly, is a sex fiend and it's getting in the way of her work.
6. I went on a hunt to find an adequate comparison for Ambreal's hair during elimination...
I know that I've seen someone rocking that style before. Nell Carter. Aretha Franklin. Someone! But in the process of my search, I came across this ReRe shot:
And I think regardless of the hair, it just straight-up looks like Ambreal. I think it's mostly the shape of Aretha's face. Hmmm. I wonder if this is what Ambreal is looking forward to as she ages:
Chilling thought, right, Ambs?
7. Look, even Twiggy wants to get in on the dancing!
She's always gesturing with her pen and now she's dancing with it. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Twiggy taking the last name of "Peniston."
8. I always thought Enrique Iglesias was good-looking, until I really looked at him:
He's like a man-child. He has the face of a six-year-old. His features are so close together. If the pizza toppings are not spread out, I lose my appetite. That's how I'm rationalizing my Enrique distaste. Or maybe I just want to slice his face with a pizza cutter. Not sure.
But you know who I have no question about?
Jesus Christ.
Love. Just love. In my mind, I'm his featured performer.
9. And Jessy's concept of vampires in an "underground" club...I mean, how cutting-edge is that? Whatever, it was perfect for at least one girl.
A vampire: the role Jenah and her buck fangs were born to play.
10. OK, so for the sake of a moving ("moving!") conclusion, I will mention Sarah again. I love that when she was complaining about being "around all these skinny girls who are so thin," we saw this slow-motion footage:
It's so...mesmerizing. It's as though they're trying to seduce her with their torsos. "Come to our side, Sarah. We eat twigs and pebbles and we loooove it."
Finally, did you notice Tyra's man-handling of Sarah after she was eliminated?
She squeezed so hard that Sarah's normal-size head exploded. That's adding injury to insult. Tyra really has become so insensitive.
(Oh, and I'm totally aware that Nigel said, "The camera loves you," not once but twice. I just didn't want to spotlight it. I'm hoping that if I ignore it, it will go away.)
Fabulous recap as always!
Posted by: Joanne | November 13, 2007 at 01:06 PM
You never fail to disappoint, Rich. Thanks for making an otherwise bleak Tuesday...unbleak... :)
Posted by: Kyle-Steven | November 13, 2007 at 01:09 PM
Funny as fuck man. great job!
Posted by: janina | November 13, 2007 at 01:12 PM
Rich, I was promised some camel toe and I come to the end and there is no camel toe.
Posted by: Stephanie | November 13, 2007 at 01:12 PM
Oh my damn! Rich-the cupcakes!!!
The gifs
Aretha
This was sooo worth the wait.
I love love love you
Thanks!
Posted by: Jennifer | November 13, 2007 at 01:13 PM
You really went gif crazy this week, huh? LOL
I do love the Bianca montage since it gives me a reason to laugh at her...
I thought this past episode was pretty good as it reminded me of ANTM-classic. Not too much of the dramatic bullshit but focusing on the job at hand... except, that probably doesn't give you much to work with :(
And if Tyra ever, EVER tries to quote Fame again, I will have to bitchslap her! - Not that any of the girls even knew what she was talking about
Finally - if anyone knows Margaret Cho's stand-up work, she did a joke about someone writing to her on Hello Kitty stationery talking about fucking her big fat arms... well now I have a visual thanks to Tyra's... ugh... excuse me I have to stare at my boyfriend in the shower - all this vag talk is making me ill
Steve
Posted by: Steve Abramson | November 13, 2007 at 01:18 PM
I straight up want that Bianca-head-candle mantel piece.
PS, how incredibly awkward was Sarah's stance at panel? And she was in shorts! Then again, maybe she was *trying* to look fatter, given the whole 'you're not fat enough on this modeling show' business. It's so incredibly outrageous and nonsensical that I can't believe I didn't see it coming from this lot.
Anyway, great recap as usual. Thanks. =)
Posted by: Jess | November 13, 2007 at 01:21 PM
oh yeah - MY MUFFINS!!!!!!! lmfao :D
Posted by: Kyle-Steven | November 13, 2007 at 01:23 PM
I love "octopus" part!!
Posted by: Sam | November 13, 2007 at 01:25 PM
"these tears are tears of schadenfreude."
hahahaha
you're so funny!
Posted by: Tiffany | November 13, 2007 at 01:25 PM
What is up with Chantal? She sings her own praises so much -- why hasn't the Tyrant been able to break her down yet? Maybe after the elims last week, and her next to bottom rating, she may not be so apt to spout about her own greatness. Why, oh why haven't any of the photographers mentioned that dead eye of hers? Oh, and that Ambreal as Aretha thing? Hi-frickin-larious
Posted by: Tiffany Fan! | November 13, 2007 at 01:25 PM
haha, great recaps once again. luv lisa'a screaming for muffins, or was it cupcakes? cant really tell. this show is chockful of contradictions and lies and manipulations and so on and so on. rich, bring us back to the path of righteous, jolt us from the imaginary world and back into reality
Posted by: sazman | November 13, 2007 at 01:26 PM
I'm starting to strongly, STRONGLY dislike Heather given how much everyone won't stfu about her. Although, did you notice the way the editors chose to include her awkward Tyra mail stare before she yelled out "Tyra mail?" What was that? I thought they were trying to depict her as Asperger's-but-COMPLETELY SOCIALLY FUNCTIONING. Break from character construction!
Posted by: J | November 13, 2007 at 01:29 PM
Um, last night I watched, "You Only Live Twice," and Ambreal's hair looks like Sean Connery/Bond's hair after they 'turn him Japanese.' Yes, they go there. Anyway, click on my URL to see the best screen cap I could find.
Thanks Rich!
Posted by: bella | November 13, 2007 at 01:30 PM
Speaking of hair, doesn't Saleisha's remind you of Tootie? I want to put her in a pair of roller skates!
Posted by: Jean | November 13, 2007 at 01:35 PM
Did I already mention that I actually like that Enrique Iglesias song? Yeah.
Posted by: John Foley | November 13, 2007 at 01:37 PM
Loved it, as usual. I do have one quibble though -- you've got vaginas on the mind and see them everywhere, and while I'll give you Tyra's vag arms from previous seasons (missing for the most part this 'cycle') you're seeing them where they just don't exist. I think, and I'm just guessing here, but had you more experience with actual vaginas, you'd be able to tell the difference. I know vaginas. I have a vagina, vaginas are good friends of mine and those sir, are no vaginas.
Posted by: Iphie | November 13, 2007 at 01:39 PM
Ambreal's hair = Spock. Original Star Trek series Spock.
Posted by: Maria | November 13, 2007 at 01:42 PM
Stephanie - click on the link he provided - he meant at the end of THAT post.
re: Hostess's trademark icing on Ambreal's boobs...holy sh*t....I haven't laughed out loud like that in a while...
Heather's still my favourite, but I think she'll be gone soon. Just a feeling :(
Posted by: jenner | November 13, 2007 at 01:47 PM
Loved the overabundance of gifs. And MUFFINS and CUPCAKES.
Tyra was really something in this episode, eh?
Posted by: Raignn | November 13, 2007 at 01:48 PM
Ambreal's hair reminded me of straight-up old-school Lego man hair. And thank you for the "Ring" reference. If you hadn't made it, I was going to have to take the elevator downstairs and cry in your face.
Posted by: Abe Froman | November 13, 2007 at 01:49 PM
perversely every post of yours makes me want to have your babies, if only to make sure this brand of ridiculous hilarity lives on, much like a genetic disorder.
Posted by: Each | November 13, 2007 at 01:51 PM
i think that Salesha was just standing at a bad angle - if you think that she's anywhere near plus size, then fuck, i'm obese!
Posted by: cdawg | November 13, 2007 at 01:59 PM
I was a little saddened that you didn't include the scene with Heather staring intesely at the Tyra mail before uttering a cryptic "guys? ...guys?" That particular scene gave me the creeps.
Check it out!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YDwbzHQlUQ0
Posted by: George | November 13, 2007 at 02:03 PM
What irks me about Enrique is his trying to cover his obviously receding hairline with a 'comb forward'. Shave it dude...if you didn't have a tinge of wave in your hair you'd be sunk.
Posted by: Fake Janice Combs | November 13, 2007 at 02:03 PM