Lions and Tyra and...shower scenes

So Ambreal didn't listen to her dad...

...but she did prove herself to be one hell of a good sport...

...who really knows how to make an exit...

...I might not want her up in my magazines, but you can be sure as Chigurh that I'd invite her to a cocktail party. Awesome that I started loving Ambreal 30 seconds before she disappeared from my life forever!

But enough about her. There are more pressing matters to attend to.

Hottest. Model. Ever.   

God, all I want to do is talk about mythical lions who, in their non-speech, are easily the most eloquent and insightful creatures to ever grace this show. Let me plow through this (enormous!) crying count.

55. Heather

Heather mistily recounted her experience with the designer she was matched with on this week's Project Runway-esque challenge (which aired on the same night as the ProjRun season premiere -- imagine!): "He's a really sweet guy and he's very artistic, it’s just not me." Some people die for art, but on ANTM, they merely cry for it.

56. Heather

The outfit isn't her, but you know what is? Fucking up public speaking and then getting upset about it!

57. Lisa

It sort of kills me to see Lisa cry now. I don't know why, but as each week passes, I love her more. I think it's because she's so gentle and infantile that I feel the need to protect her. Specifically, her soft spot. Also, she says "fustrated"...

58. Heather

...as does Heather.

59. Heather

Like, a lot.

60. Heather

Although, in Heather's case, I think "fustration" refers to a mild form of frustration.

61. Heather

A fustrated fringer, perhaps?

62. Heather

OMG. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE THIS GIRL AN R!!!!

63. Heather

Annnnnnd, here's a little fustrated megamix as your prize for staying with me. I bet you didn't know that you could totally conjugate "fustrate." You can. Oh yes you can.

64. Lisa

Lisa punctured her soft spot while using the straightening iron before judging. She's always doing that!

65. Chantal

Finally! A girl who knows how to say "frustration" properly weeps. I was beginning to think "fustration" and tears were mutually exclusive. (And for the record, the other people in the frame -- Saleisha and Ambreal -- also know how to say it. I guess they tend to stick to their own kind.)

And speaking of saying things wrong, I'm going to do the Tyraisms this week in slightly different order from which they aired for the sake of transition.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - Twiggy: Good old Biyanka!

Tyra: Good old Biyanka! If only that was her name.

This marked the rare opportunity in which I LOLed with Tyra and not at her. I love when that happens. Really, I do. As it becomes increasingly difficult to find things to enjoy about Tyra (even to hatefully enjoy!), it helps immensely when she tosses out something that even approaches wit. So, haha, Twiggy! You just got faced! Except, not really: in correcting someone else's speech, Tyra's made a grammatical error of her own. If only she were familiar with the subjunctive mood.

(Still, you know that Bianca is Biyanka from now on.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - "Yeah! So, is that exciting? Yes? So so so exciting. But! Unfortunately, seven girls are in front of me and only six will be going to China."

See above re: the difficulty of enjoying Tyra. What a bitch, dangling a trip in front of the to-be-booted Ambreal's Aretha Franklin-shaped face like that. You know this is more messiah-complex shit, too: "Well, if the Lord can giveth and taketh away, my fat ass can, too!"

(Incidentally, the stereotypical-but-defeated China song that Miss J sang after Tyra's announcement is the best thing he's done in cycles.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 3 - "Its called compartmentalizing and it's something that I do, so if something bad happened at work the day before, I deal with it, I might cry in my dressing room and then I (slurp) put it away and go perform. I don't show it on camera. I don't show it in a photo."

My favorite thing is the slurping. Problems aren't problems when you treat them like spaghetti!

But of course Tyra is an expert in compartmentalizing: all those compartments she's got that she's constantly advertising have to be used for something.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4 - "You know, if you go, 'Uh! Uh!' but then you go, 'Uh! Uh!' After a while, there's going to be something in there that's usable."

We've seen her do things like this a million times, but this, I believe, is the first time I've ever seen Tyra Banks play her body like a violin. I guess by "usable" she means a concerto?

Just as J's little song stole the thunder from Tyraism No. 2, Nigel steals it here. Look at him being completely unfazed while Tyra thrashes next to him. He's got the patience of a member of the Queen's Guard! Perhaps like a rotting smell, sitting next to Tyra Banks is something that you get used to.

And now, I get to talk about my new best friend.

1.

This was seriously the best thing to happen to this show since Natasha. Sometimes, a show gets so over-the-top that it seems like there's no where else to go. And then in come the puppets and everything makes perfect nonsense once again.

Just the way they were introduced was amazing.

I really think that we need a puppet on this panel. You know, someone to empathize with what the girls are going through as Tyra pulls their strings.

I love that she was all...

"You are disturbing judging! I never allow anything like this." As if to say, "Do you know how many Chinese lions I've turned away from this room? Thousands! Now put that in your hollow legs and dance it!"

The girls' reactions were also amazing, both before

...and after they knew what was going on...

Have Jenah's teet ever seemed more menacing, btw? If this were in 3-D like, say, oh I don't know, the best movie ever, Beowulf, they would shoot out at us and give us a temporary scare. And then she'd be all, "I am Jenahwulf!" and have a matching exceptionally large penis that would serve as the foundation for her film's ribald humor. You know?

Speaking of big dicks...

...the lion looks like a lipstick. You know what I mean. I'm shocked that there wasn't a CoverGirl tie-in: he totally could have been the True Shine Lion. Oh well. Because of his penis-like properties, I shall call him Tyra Jr.

Oh, check it:

First of all, doesn't it look like the big lion is mounting the smaller one in this shot?

Second of all, look at Tyra's hand.

Why? Could it be that Tyra puts her hands up to strange animals' asses as a matter of course? Wouldn't surprise me.

Of course, if this show doesn't want to hire a puppet full-time (though I urge the powers at be to do so! Please! It'll be good for ratings and credibility!), at least we have Bianca.

Seriously, the only way to explain her expression is that someone's hand is up her ass.

I think she looks charmingly whimsical. Just like a puppet should.

2. You know, I'm glad we have Heather on this show to be gorgeous and to help educate viewers about disability. Really, I'm not being a smart-ass or anything. I think it's great. However, eventually you get to a point as a viewer where you wonder, now that we're informed, what's the point of having the mildly autistic girl around if she isn't going to act mildly autistic?

...and then she does and everything feels right again.

I love that we got to soak in Heather's weirdness for the entire episode. Like what was that fire-sign fixation?

Is she trying to suggest that she'll conjure her astrological powers and use them on her tormentors?

Because this whole incident was like a mild form of Carrie. As soon as the Tyra Mail was over, Lisa got all serious and booked for the bathroom...

And then, strife:

OK, let's stop right here to reflect on how gay this is. I know girls are different what with their vaginas and intrasexual social norms, but god, I'm gay and this is too gay for me. If my shit's all out there and there's running water and I'm having a discussion with you, you can bet that the topic at hand is about what's next for my shit and how it involves you. Even if I'm not talking about it in those words, I'm talking about it. And so, when Saleisha says, upon reflection, "She looked like she wanted to do voodoo on me. I was like, I am not messing with you anymore, girl. Let me just shower and get the heck up outta here!," I wonder what Saleisha would have done if Heather did not look like she wanted to perform voodoo. Like, why the fuck wouldn't you just shower and get the heck up outta there unless you were hanging around for some serious vaginaplay?

And I feel like Ambreal's offering only strengthens my hypothesis.

And also:

I mean, Jesus! You go into something trying to satirize it and stretch its undertones as far as absurdity allows, and you end up with Saleisha being hit from behind.

Oh, right. I was talking about Heather and her...thing.

Scorned! Seriously, this poster would be perfect for a movie containing this scene:

Indeed, they can.

But you know what? I think it's really sweet that instead of ostracizing Heather or just mocking her endlessly behind her back like I certainly would do, these girls are kind-hearted enough to have a house meeting about this incident in an attempt to patch things up:

It isn't pad-throwing, but I'll take it.

I do love, though, that when the girls do talk shit about her...

...the shit-talking is always intercut with scenes of Heather being bizarrely positive.

You know, she's just a girl who likes putting flowers in bags...

...and sleeping manically.

Swell, through and through.

3. As a post script to my Heather love (it's totally love, shut up), they say when you're nervous about speaking in front of a crowd, you should pretend that its members are naked...

...I think Heather went another step to pretend that they were naked with boners. How's it hanging, Blowjobface? Oh wait, it isn't hanging. That's the thing.

4. So, I'm not going to be all hatey about Project Runway or anything, but I have to say that I liked so much more of what I saw in the five minutes we were given with the designers on this show than the hour we were given with the designers on the Project Runway season premiere. I love that they found someone as awkward as Heather...

...(their introductory words were priceless)...but mostly, I just love Yuko.

Holy shit, is this woman awesome.

She's like the costume designer from The Incredibles with the foolhardy ambition of Joseph L. Mankiewicz and the bizarro sophistication of Pizzicato Five's Maki Nomiya. LOVE HER.

If Yuko were in a band, I would hope that it would be called Shonen Pinking Shears and that its debut album would be called Little Big Earring Maybe.

Even though Biyanka exhibited self-control when dealing with Yuko, what the hell was up with her interpretation of Yuko's design?

"She kept giving me Mediterranean Sea and I'm like, 'New York City?'" Why was she like that? I mean, I suppose when it comes to what Biyanka does and says, that question sort of goes without saying, but...why?

And did you notice that when Biyanka gave her little muse speech on the runway, she was under the impression that the inspiration for the design wasn't Cleopatra but Cleopatra Jones? Does Biyanka really think of Cleopatra Jones before Cleopatra? Like, is her reference point blaxploitation and not arguably the most famous woman to ever have lived? I'm all about pop-culture literacy, but that kind of scares me.

Also scary:

Biyanka's heaving melon breasts. Jesus! She could rearrange paths of orbit with those things. Did anyone know that she had them, or was everyone surprised like me?

Anyway, that's just another reason to love Yuko: she brought Biyanka's globes into my world.

Oh, and just as an aside since I'm talking about Bikyanka, I really think that even though she's sort of scrappy and backstabby, she's also kind of...kind when it comes to Heather.

You see them always spending time together and her advice for Heather ("You thought you was gonna be perfect at everything? ...So, you gotta do better next time.") reads like tough love more than maliciousness. It's kind of beautiful, actually.

So beautiful that this week, I'm going back to basics and doing a regular, old, no-theme Pretty Party. Sometimes I get super conceptual so as to not induce boredom, but fuck it: the Pretty Party shots this week are fucking awesome and can easily stand on their own.

But I, however, love it. And that concludes this week's Pretty Party. Don't be a stranger, PP!

5. I could have included these shots in the Pretty Party:

Lisa's is the only one that doesn't make me want to do this:

Biyanka looks possessed...by Carol Channing. She's just missing the hair. But you know that's easily arranged.

I like it best when it blinks in and out, actually:

6. You know what? That Carol Channing hair is kind of like Saleisha hair. You know who else has that hair? Oh, everyone!

A reader, Amber W., wrote to me, saying her 3-year-old saw Saleisha on the screen and said, "There's Dora."

Leave it to a toddler to beat me at my game.

While watching No Country for Old Men this weekend, it came to me that Chigurh's hair is very similar to Saleisha's...

...so is Z-Man's...

And then there's Miss J...

...me...

...Winston...

...Cousin It...

...and the list goes on. Basically everyone in the history of the universe has Saleisha's haircut. It's not so weird, after all, I guess.

7. This week's photo shoot?

Maybe the best ever? So trashy and porno, I loved it. Chantal really exceeds in this environment!

(Oh and this?

Brilliant. Seriously, this show was making me proud this week!)

I do wonder why they powdered Biyanka's hair.

She looks like a distinguished lesbian. Or maybe just Lonnie Gordon.

Ambreal's in particular reminded me of a shot you'd see on the back of an album in the '80s. Like this:

You know?

Oh, but I was really hoping that Tura Satana was going to drive up in the desert and karate chop some sense into the girls.

Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill each other!

8. Benny Ninja again, huh?

Three times in one cycle? Unprecedented. I really hope he ends up sticking around. Just not in that outfit.

It looks like it was designed by a Scottish rhinoceros beetle (in its own likeness, of course).

9. Between the lion and the photo shoot and the shower fight and the Teigs comparison, I thought this was maybe the best episode of the cycle. And just when I feel like the sheer force of quality reality TV (an oxymoron, but go with it) has stripped me of all my cynicism...

...there is Wal-Mart.

...and there is Jaslene, who comes with a voice that doesn't need a P.A. to sound distorted. But really, this is the money shot, as it were.

Not that I wouldn't give my very manhood for a shot of Jaslene and I in Wal-Mart together. That shit is mantle-worthy. Jas, if you ever need some extra balls, hit me up and we'll do the thing, Wal-Mart-style.

Is she running for public fucking office?

10. The concept of this show...

...speaks to me on such a fundamental level that I may have no other choice but to recap it. I mean, shit, I'm willing to put up with Carson Kressley for it and everything. That is devotion.

11. It's time to say goodbye.

(That means "goodbye." It also means "hello," and, "Since we're both standing in the shower together, let me handle your shit." It means whatever you want it to mean. Tyra Jr. always says exactly what I want to hear. That's why he's my new best friend.)

Comments

[BlackRaspberry]

These recaps are easily the highlight of my week. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

[Eevee]

I fucking love these recaps.

I fucking hate Saleisha.

[Deborah]

Rich, you bastard, I seriously spewwed coffee when Winstoneisha showed up.

[Ms. Pants]

Yet again, I profess my adoration. After I watched last week, I immediately asked my friend what happened to the R in frustration. I didn't know if I'd missed a worldwide memo that stated we've dropped that first R or what.

[laurie]

Winston really does wear it well.

[Beth]

FUSTRATED...Dear god. Thank you for noticing, too.

[Jess]

Lovable from all angles, you are. Fantastic recap!

[Meg]

Also awesome: Man Jay pulling a Tyraism of the week with Saleisha. It's not "uh, uh, uh," it's "UH!!!! UH!!!! UH!!!!"

It fustrates me that you didn't mention it.

[jenner]

Pizzicato Five AND Shonen Knife mention?!?!?!?

And I thought I loved the recaps already...

Anyway Heather "sleeping manically" made me spit my water.

[Allie]

These recaps are the only way I make it through Monday, love ya!

[Louski]

these are the cure to my mondays. I love you! And Winston.....

[Miss Kitty]

Thanks for the Saleisha hairdos, and the Ambreal/Whitney Houston takeoffs. My shitty day is now a good day thanks to you.

[yggy]

By the time you got to Scottish rhinoceros beetle!! I was laughing with tears in my eyes. Your humor is a highlight of my week. They need you to run the show!

By the way, I wanted to say I understood your not wanting to recap PR4 and hope you don't mind my saying so on the ANTM recap. :-)

Thank you for another great week.

Oops,one last thing....did anyone else see the reincarnation of the Peter Pan guy in Saliesha's fairy outfit? I mean, the hair!?!? the wings!?!?! the tights?!!

[cat]

i still say that Saleisha looks like one big penis with that hair cut

loved the recap as always!

[velocibadgergirl]

Holy God, best recap of the season (cycle, whatever). Thank you!

[yggy]

Winston rocks the hairdo best!

[Victor]

doesn't Rich look like Prince Valiant when he photoshops the Saleisha hair onto himself?

http://www.newsfromme.com/images4/princevaliant.jpg

[Stoofy T]

Oh Lord, Jenah's teet.

Oh, Lord, Pizzicato Five.

You make Mondays so glorious... and hasn't Miss J had Saleisha's hair before, for real?

[cutthroatingness]

Awesome as usual. My take on the "Mediterranean Sea" vs. "New York City" was that at first, Biyanka didn't understand Yuko's accent; she heard "New York City," when Yuko said "Mediterranean Sea."

My fave. recap this cycle!

[hunter]

did anyone else notice how they misspelled cheryl tiegs' name? although the comparison was...too perfect.

[Kristen]

That Saleisha showercap gif is hilarious!

I hope one of your readers is a wig maker, so they can design a Saleishafied wig for Winston.

I love your re-caps!

[Alice]

Winston IS a covergirl!
Not a single fustration on it

[Jess]

Did anyone else see the super blonde girl at the "runway show" of this episode? I think it was Alison from ProjRun last season. Maybe.

[Suzy]

I realized that while I prefer reading the recap to watcthing the recap, it's more work-friendly that way, I could hear your voice saying "Basically everyone in the history of the universe has Saleisha's haircut. It's not so weird, after all, I guess." and it just made the whole recap that much better. You're the best.