Biyanked away

Before she left, did Bianca have a stroke?

Or was she merely imitating Chantal?

Forever a mystery!

82. Jenah

In this instance, I care less about why Jenah's crying than I do whom she looks like when she's crying. Specifically, I'm talking Chris Crocker. She's a ringer! If she's him and Bianca is Tay Zonday and Saleisha is the Peter Pan guy (to the people who still email me with this revelation, I first mentioned it here -- you know, when she actually got her makeover), then who's Chantal's Internet-celeb double? Dog264?

83. Jenah

If you repeat the word "sister" enough, the tears just pour. The word "sister" does that to you. It's a linguistic onion. FACT.

83. Bianca

Tyra's exit pep talk advised Bianca to go home and find friends and family members who are photographers and "pose, pose, pose, pose." Bianca cried because she doesn't have friends. And as for her family, she ate them.

Oh, but if it's any consolation, after spouting the aforementioned advice, Tyra went in for a hug and ended up looking completely like Kathy Griffin.

Always getting hotter, this one.

84. Jenah

Jenah's so sloppy that I'm surprised she didn't take advantage of her over-sized collar and blow her nose with it.

85. Bianca

You know, this kind of sucks. Who's going to be around next week to make nasty comments as every stupid event unfolds and as every stupid girl says stupid word. Oh right: all of us.

Speaking of stupid shit, I've got a heaping pile of it for your ass:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "(In a brash tone that's only slightly more ear-splitting than it is condescending) Hi everybody! I'm Tyra!

Ni hau! Tyra! Ni hau! Today we are warriors!!!!

Right?"

Great. Now they all think that when Americans get constipated, they make stabbing motions in the air and talk like elderly kindergarten teachers. Thanks for altering China's perception of our dysfunctional bowels, Tyra. Thanks a whole fucking lot.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2 - Regarding Jenah's pain coming from her hyperextended leg: "Yeah! Always put it down before it kills." See, I was hoping that Jenah would put it down after. Raincheck!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"I look pictures of you and I felt they were absolutely beautiful. But when you left the set, I didn't remember the shoot. And after I finished all the girls, whether it was a positive or negative experience I might have had, I didn't remember who you were."

Why the hell is Tyra's faulty memory Jenah's problem? And anyway: orlly? Tyra didn't remember who Jenah was? I find that hard to believe as what she's saying now indicates that she remembers that Jenah was the girl who said she was, "just working on myself. Getting to know myself. I really want to get to know myself by the end of this. I wanna know me." If she had forgotten who Jenah was, she couldn't possibly have remembered to throw that back in her face.

Oh and Jenah, allow me to introduce you to Jenah. I think you'll find her to be extremely repetitive.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4 - "This is making you stronger. This is the best experience of your life, whether you win or not." Jesus, way to make me more depressed than I've ever been in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model., Debbie Downer Tyra Travesty.

Tyraism of the Week No. 5

"Remember I said, 'Modeling from the tippy-tippy-tippies?' Remember we talked about that on set? That's what you have to remember."

Well, who could forget "tippy-tippy-tippies?" Especially now that Tyra has introduced an international symbol for it and everything!

I prefer modeling from the titty-titty-titties, but even still, I never will forget this.

Tyraism of the Week No. 6 - "Jenah reminds me of the girls that when I was modeling in Paris and living there for a couple (laughs to signal how fabulous her life is) years. We would all be homesick, but there would be one or two or three or four that would cry and break down and a week later, I'd be like, 'Wait. Where's my friend...

...Becky? Where'd she go?' 'Girl, she went home. She couldn't handle it.'"

Oh yeah, you were such good friends with "Becky" that you had to hear about her departure from an outside source. Maybe if knew how to treat a friend, she would have told you herself. Think about that next time you feel the need to put someone in quotes.

1. I just wanna give a final tribute to a girl whose arbitrary nastiness throughout the competition spoke to me so profoundly:

Good old Biyanka! Rotten to the core, don't even think for a second that it was good sportsmanship that led her to remark upon losing the competition, "I'm kinda happy that, you know, it wasn't just given to me, 'cause now I can work for something. I'ma appreciate it more when I get it." You know she was just salty and trying to save face, even though said face is inevitably scrunched up, anyway.

Bianca said some awesome things this episode: "It was pissin' me off, 'cause Saleisha put her bun in front of my face, and I could really kill her." It's funny 'cause it's true.

Well, at least the potential to kill part is true.

"Shut up! Gosh! Blonde chicks!" Awww, they get on my nerves, too!

"Chantal is Miss Perky all the time. She's so happy to be here, she's so happy about life. I'm just like shut up. You know? Like, shut up!" Me too. That is exactly what I'm like. Constantly.

"OK, is it over? This is not my kinda thing, but when in China, do like the Chinese, so..." So right! That four beauties shit?

It was more like four Quaaludes for all the stimulation it gave me. And did you notice the not-at-all coherent reason J gave for doing this shit in the first place? "Your journey started off with 13 and now you're down to four. In the old, ancient Chinese history, it's called (words that I don't have the keyboard to write that I'm sure he's mispronouncing, anyway), which is better known as the four beauties." That's a pretty labyrinthine way of saying, "Hey look everyone! We know our numbers up to four and have a sense of motif." I bet he hit the ludes, too.

At least, what came as a result of that nonsense allowed Bianca to shine, doing what she does best...

...(although this sabotage was really fucked-up and unnecessary, and made me feel bad for Jenah. So, I guess, I actually have to take points off of Bianca for making me feel anything but bitter rage about Jenah). But it also allowed Bianca to pencil in her eyebrows to a cartoonish thickness for her runway look:

Like, why? You know? I feel bad that she couldn't achieve the all-out set of Gallaghers that she was going for. Here Bianca:

I know that you would have wanted it this way.

But the absolute best thing Bianca said this episode and possibly ever in her life was, "Tyra's the biggest person to impress at this point. It's hard to think of her as one photographer, you know?" Yes, Bianca: thanks to Tyra's unflattering angle...

...and the fact that the editors brought it to our screens it just as you were saying this, we all now know that Tyra is indeed the biggest person to impress. Thanks to all who were involved in that!

2. Let's check in with Miss Perky:

"Ma whole life has led up to this, y'know? My whole life, this is what I've been planning. And I just know it's for me and know it's my destiny." Yeah, I'm glad that she's been planning to appear in a reality show (and totally not win, because she's soooo not going to) her whole life. I know she's young, but I didn't know she had the brain of a goldfish.

But then again, I should have really guessed. Clearly, I'm the idiot.

Hey, and how 'bout that hair?

Amy F. wrote to me, saying that Chantal reminded her of a Katamari character and since I'd rather play no other video game the two or so occasions a year I find myself with the time to actually do so, I support that comparison wholeheartedly.

Oh wait, let me adjust that for heightened accuracy:

There. That's better.

Really, though, I thought it just looked like she had a pig in a blanket or a croissant sitting on her hollow dome:

Chantal, I dub thee Breadhead. Too bad this happened so late in the cycle.

Oh, but that hair's like a major improvement over this:

   

She looks like Twiggy. Poor thing.

3. Although, no amount of dough or flyaways could unseat Jenah, Queen of Slobs:

At this late point in the cycle, you're probably sick of seeing screen shots of Jenah in just about every situation looking like a bulging, toothy mess. Unfortunately for you, I am not sick of taking them. As long as she's around, I'm amazed by the fact that, at the very least, she thought it was acceptable to go on television looking like this:

Oh, but she's improving so much as a model observer, as she'll sometimes cover her eyes...

...and mouth...

If only she could do both at once, she'd really be working it.

Actually, though, via the group shot, I felt like I really got-got Jenah for the first time:

I've never really knocked her pictures (they're usually good!), but this one suggests her appeal is in the ugly-hot realm, which totally makes so much fucking sense and, I'd wager, is more "high fashion." I'm not saying I like her, but I do think that when she turns my stomach, it's mostly because she's so disheveled that I can smell the stink lines from my couch.

Because really, when she was made-up and randomly hygienic during this interview...

...I actually found her to be extremely pretty.

But honestly?

If you saw that in public, would anything stop you from thinking, "Homeless!"

And here?

Between the tank top, the visible bra straps, the disregard of any makeup that could possibly matter and her circumstantially butch 'do, I think doesn't look like she should be sitting in front of a "futuristic" Chinese backdrop. She looks more like she belongs in...

...Wal-Mart or...

...a men's Burger King bathroom or...

...a gun shop or...

...amongst piñatas, which themselves are amongst produce.

You know? Seeing Jenah in a more appropriate environment feels something like a return to nature. It's Walden writ brain dead.

And, like? You, like, know what? Jenah is totally like Angela Chase...

"Like, you how there are certain things that you just can't see? I couldn't see myself going home. Like, I just couldn't picture it. Like, I came here to win. You know what I mean? Like?"

...but again, writ braindead.

Although, this was interesting:

Not interesting because of the content of her dream (hers seem more boring than mine, which include peanut butter and jump ropes on a good night), but because I, too, had a dream...about Jenah! Nothing really happened (like I said: boring). We just hung out and she was much nicer to me than I deserved. I will say that she's much prettier in person. Subconsciously, anyway.

4. Those shots of Jenah above are kinda-sorta this week's Pretty Party. But why stop there?

Tyra gesticulates so much that, clearly, she isn't afraid to get ugly. I think not being afraid to get ugly is also a great trait to have in bed. Because of this, it's fun to play a game with Tyra's many great faces: Emphatic or Orgasmic? You be the judge:

And here's one in motion!

Getting off or getting her point across?

It's a tough call even to listen to her: "Woo! Yeah! Go! Jump! Woo! Aah. Job well done, thanks." But when she gets really excited, she does this. Admit it: that makes you more sexually attracted to her than you ever were before.

5. Hey, let's check in with Saleisha...

"I definitely gotta bring it. I gotta bring it more than bring it. I gotta bring it than bring it." Uh, never mind. I guess I missed the part where Saleisha became my drunk, babbling grandfather.

(Although it has to be said: this?

One of the best shots in the history of. America's. Next. Top. Model. Seriously!)

6. Speaking of the shots, did you hear Twiggy totally kissing Tyra's dilettante photog ass at judging? "Tyra, you're so good!" Too little too late there, Twigs. Maybe if you'd started this a while ago, you wouldn't have run up against the "scheduling conflicts" that are making you abandon your post on this show.

7. The lady from Seventeen whose name I'm too lazy to look up said that "evil fairy dust" was responsible for Saleisha's leap. Uh, no it's not. It was regular fairy dust that collects around her Peter Pan-guy scalp. Believe it or not, that's not even the stupidest thing Seventeen lady said this episode!

"Hi, Bianca. You could tell that you liked the music, you were walking down the runway to the beat. But I felt like you were boppin' down the runway. A little too hip-hop."

I'm sure her rationale for her word choice went something like this in her head: "Negroes don’t use ‘g’s unless they’re referring to themselves. And, ha, I detect that as irony because I’m an editor! I’d add an LOL to the end of that statement, but I can't because, again: I’m an editor!”

8. I went to a party last Saturday night. I didn't get laid, but some guy did tell me a story about learning what "gay" meant when he was 8-years-old: his dad told him when he asked that those men were "happy," and he was, even at 8, like, "Don't give me that shit." But you know something? Sometimes gay men, are, in fact, very happy.

You read that right. I hope you're sitting down while reading this (primarily because if you aren't sitting down while you're using the computer, you must be extremely uncomfortable): I think J. Alexander is gay.

It's just a vibe.

Oh, and I love that he's aping Jay Manuel's aping of Tyra's inflated sense of self:

"And this is the first time ever in the history of Top Model that a girl has had a one-on-one with me."

Quick, someone erect a monument in Tiananmen Square to commemorate this event.

Also, the phrase goes "...in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model." If you're going to make such declarations, please do them with as many words and pauses between those words as possible. I feel like I shouldn't even have to point this out. Standard protocol.

 

9. But you know what really is monument-worthy?

Uh.

Yeah, she stands out among the crowd...as someone who's no longer in it! How can an eliminated contestant be voted CoverGirl of the Week? How?!? This seriously goes against everything I understand about the universe. It's kind of like discovering there's no Santa Claus. Or even better, it's like discovering that Santa is, like, really fierce. Rips my world right apart.

10. And keeping with the minor Christmas motif, when I saw this...

...I just could not stop the spirit of the Yuletide from overtaking me. This one goes out to "Becky," who's gone but not forgotten:

   

Comments

[ellen]

Waiting for you to update, I have spent the last 5 minutes staring in wonder at the absolute pinnacle of human existence that is Dianne exercising in GIF format to Kate Bush.

[BlackRaspberry]

I think there are only about 5 people who vote for the CoverGirl of the week, and they are all blood relatives of Heather.

OMG. Thank you.

[Aaron]

Ugh, I don't even care who wins at this point. Jenah's the only one with a personality that doesn't make me throw up in my mouth, but she's a chipmunk.

Also: great recap, as always! You make Mondays worthwhile.

[Leanne]

If they're having the finale taped live, I wish when they announce the winner the entire audience just collectively screams "Heather!" Tyra would shit herself.

Biyanka looks like a Muppet and is finally going home. I'm very happy.

"Linguistic onion"? Rich I want to have your babies!

[rachael]

amazing.

[yggy]

I almost miss Biyanka. Almost. The remaining three are dull, so thank god for your recaps, Rich.

Love the Feliz NaviFierce but croissant head wins it for me this week. Oh. My. God. what were those putrid things on their heads? Fire those "stylists" who are probably called "Becky."

Thank you for pulling the last shreds of humor from this incredibly lackluster almost end of the season. I can only imagine it's getting harder each week.

[AJ]

Am I insane or does Chantal totally look like Melrose in that group shot?

Is it bad that I want Jenah to win, just because I sort of hate Chantal and Saleisha? Lisa and Heather got totally screwed.

[katrynanne]

I feel like it's a bit like this year's bachelor. At some point Tyra's going to look around, realize that everyone left has no shot at actually making money from modeling, and declare no winner.

Meanwhile though, Saleisha should sue the show for that little lord fauntleroy haircut.

And I guess even though she looks like a woodland creature, that Jenah will win? It seems like the writers are doing their necessary underdog story arc.

[ellesee]

Linguistic Onion would make a great name for a band.

[randi]

oh i was so happy B is gone. i hope no agency picks her cantankerous ass up.

[milkyaqua]

It was nice to be surprised by Bianca's elim since I'd pegged her for 3d place. Girl always looked pissed in all of her pics. Chantal is now the pic for 3d with the whole, "You're pretty and all-American and just not edgy or versatile enough." The irony being CG and 17 as prizes.

Jenah needs to stop opening beer bottles with her teeth and learn to smile without showing those bottom ones. I hope she got that rat's nest taken out of her head when she was done. She'll be runner-up.

The winner being Tootie. Her pic wasn't bad but the close-up was harsh. Her face looks pinched and painful. Of course, being Tyra's chosen nothing was mentioned at panel (like the designer at the go-sees who wasn't impressed with Saleisha since nothing bad can be said about her apparently). Even if her CG pic for this week is the worse of the three. That better be one heck of a commercial and runway showdown.

I'm not bothered by Heather winning CGOTW since there were a fair number of people who predicted it would happen and how happy Tyrant would be about it.

[Christian]

Um, are you single now?

[Amy]

Awww, to quote my favorite Katamari Damacy song "I want to wad you up into my life!"

Awesome recap as always! Merry Christmas!

[Victor]

other things to compare Chantal's freakish photoshoot hair to:

a hammerhead shark:
http://cache.eb.com/eb/image?id=62562&rendTypeId=4

Krang from the Ninja Turtles:
http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0886/body-krang.jpg

yes? anybody?

[Michelle J.]

i just found your blog and I read on in amazement. I love your humor. Keep up the good work.

[Courtie]

I miss Bee-yanka!
Now I officially have to root for yuckmouth Jenah, because if Salacious Crumb or Wonky Eye McGee win, I will personally set Tyra Banks on fire.

[nicolelaroche]

You vote for covergirl of the week after the episode. So each CotW is for the previous episode. This has happened many times before where an eliminated girl wins.

Also I don't see why Jenah keeps getting blamed for that ratty bleached out weave Tyra stuck to her head.

I'm going to miss Biyanka.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

"Sister" = linguistical onion!

You're killing me!

Jules
House of Jules

[StopMe]

Umm... that picture of Saleisha SUCKS!!! Tootie has butter face and sausage legs! Best in Top Model History? I think not!!!

[PJ]

Did anyone else notice that the shot of Bianca with a scrunched up face looks like she's doing a guest shot as a vampire on Buffy?

[Rachel]

Did anyone notice when Twiggy was saying something about Bianca and along with her accent and whatever the sentence was it came out like "Biyanker"...when I was telling someone about the episode later I couldn't stop pronouncing her name that way!!

[Nadia Korshunova]

this http://fourfour.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/12/09/chantal_breadhead.jpg
made my entire week/rest of the year.

honestly though, thanks for the literal LOL's.

[Nadia Korshunova]

oops that didn't post right.
it was the picture of chantal with the croissant in her head. lol.

[barby]

Awesome recap, as always, but I have to disagree about Saleisha's shot. I think it's ass on a stick. I don't like her face, and I feel like it was photoshopped to the max. I know they all are, but if she can actually jump that high, then I promise to stop calling her Tootie.

And I'm not doing that anytime soon.

Maybe it's just that I hate her sooo much that it's blinding my good judgement. But I just had to vent.

Love the afro pic of Ms. Jay. That may be my new screensaver.