"Can I call you a bitch?"

I don't know about y'all...

...but I take this as a sign. A sign of wonderment and blowjobfaces to come!

Blahblahblah, yay! Blahblahblah, it's back. Blahblahblah, I won't have a weekend to call my own till the end of May. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I'm kidding. I bitch because I love it. It's my way of bonding with things. Anyway, I'm not going to spend any more time with introductions, since in addition to feeling like ANTM was last on the air 5,000 years ago, it also feels like it just went off yesterday. It's funny the way winter makes things expand and contract.

Crying count!

1. Tyra!

Even though it was fake, I'm counting it because it really taps into the trifling spirit of the show. Also? At first, I thought it was a new, novel way to assert models' superiority over pageant girls (the new, novel way being beauty-queen minstrelsy), but then I thought about it and I guess homecoming queens aren't necessarily pageant girls, now are they? So instead, it's an anti-homecoming queen thing, which I'm sure the the result of similar deep-seated insecurities, which in turn, are probably the same deep-seated insecurities that would prompt someone to want to become a famous model. But that's just conjecture. If nothing else, I revel in shrinking Tyra so early into the cycle. It isn't yet tired. Consider this my shrieking at Tyramail. You know by the end of the cycle, I'm gonna be all monotone, like, "Electraaaa complllllllllex."

Also, I like when she makes herself really, really ugly.

If the shot at the top is a compliment, surely this is a gift. I mean a curse. I mean...

2. Fatima

And the word “circumcision” hasn’t even left her mouth yet!

3. Fatima

…annnnd, now it has.

4. Fatima

And again! And again! I guess it isn’t such a positive thing, after all then?

You’d maybe think by now she’d be adjusted to the whole genital-mutilation thing, but hey, fair enough. It’s seriously such a disgusting, abhorrent and hateful thing to have happened that it’s given her the right never stop crying over it, if she sees fit. Also, she’s said that she wants to use the show as a platform, and if broad strokes in the form of tears are what she needs to do to drive her point home, so be it. I reserve the right to revise my opinion as the crying persists. If nothing else, I look forward to seeing how the battle between my compassion and crankiness plays out. My money’s on my cranky!

5. Shaya

In a bid for solidarity Shaya’s all, “I don’t want you to join the circum. You gonna fall from the trapezes and break your pretty!"

6. Notjayla

I don’t think I’ve ever wished more that someone was Jayla, in fact.

7. Carnie Wilson (?)

So I guess the answer to, “Someday somebody’s gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye / Till then, baby, are you gonna let it hold you down and make you cry?” is a yes, then?

8. Shaya

"Shaya is goofy, Shaya is sexy, Shaya is everybody’s fantasy." Everybody, except, you know…everybody.

9. Shalynda

She’s been rejected from ANTM eight times and she’s still not all cried out. For that fact alone, she could be a major asset to this show. Cycle 11 is Shalynda’s cycle, I can feel it!

10. Anya

After Anya’s display throughout the episode, I’m impressed that her brain has the actual processing ability to form tears.

11. Atalya

She’s as shocked as I am.

12. Claire

Claire lactates so much, I'm not sure if she's wiping away a tear, or if breast milk is coming out of her eye.

13. Notjayla

“Was it the mom hair? It was the mom hair, wasn’t it? The one thing I can’t change about myself! The one thing that is me.”

14. Dominique

You’ll see below that this is actually the prettiest  Dominique looks in the whole recap. All downhill from here, for real.

This week’s episode was shockingly light on pseudo-insight from Tyra, so choosing Tyraisms was difficult. I really hope that she was just having an off week and that she isn’t fucking with me. Don’t make me get mean, bitch. These are kinda Tyraisms-lite. Notice that I said “lite,” not “fat free.” The one thing I’ll never do is lie to you.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

“Sí. Oye!”

Tyra used what I can only assume are the two single words she knows in Spanish when confronted with a Latina girl with stretch marks near her cooch. I love how Tyra always shares a part of herself to relate to the girls. When Fatima came on talking about the circum, Tyra was all, “I know exactly how you feel. My upper arms look a mess, girl!”

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

“Nuuuh, nuuuh, nuuuuuuhhh.”

Although the pseudo-insight was missing, the regular old insight never stopped rolling.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

“We don’t have room for two Amys, so who’s gonna change their name? OK, you guys go figure it out over there.”

Oh, so Charm School is good enough to rip-off, but you couldn’t go Rock of Love with the same-named girls getting initials a la Brandi C and Brandi M.? That’s right, I forgot: this joint is high-class. Also I kinda love how over it she is: “Go figure it out over there.” I bet she kinda hopes that they’ll fight to the death for it. Less work for her, come elimination time!

Since it’s the casting show, I’m gonna to do what I often do this first recap of the cycle and just go through girl-by-girl with my initial thoughts (except I won’t be talking about Atalya because, uh, I don’t feel like it) on each. The first girl up is:

This one.

OK, so what was up with every single fucking girl proclaiming their love for Jay this episode? Was it Fuck with Jay Day?

"Jay Manuel, he’s fine! Like, y’all don’t understand. ” Right-o, I don’t!

 

And, perhaps most notably, there was this "rap", delivered by Marguerite, whose thick layer of eyeliner, matter-of-factly metalhead hair and undernourished frame makes her look like approximately like every female schoolmate I had growing up in South Jersey, K-12.

“So I’ve gotta admit
I’ve got a little crush
On someone we know
And love oh so much
That’s right, I’m crushin’
On Mr. Jay Manuel
Lucky for me,
He’ll never know how I feel
‘Cause with his help,
I’ll look innocent, and make it look real.”

Girls in the past have noted his attractiveness, but never this many in one episode, and never, ever with a creative angle. I can only assume that these girls were put up to this and I’m going to delight in assuming that it was because of some ego trip on his part. Because seriously, what the hell? I’m sorry: he’s white-haired and bronzed to death. He looks like he should be collecting money in an Episcopalian church.

It’s like, here dude, have a brooch.

And I understand that people are people, and anyone can be attracted to anyone else, regardless of sexuality, but come on, girls. Please don’t bother us with your crushes on intangible gay men. Keep your security issues to yourself, at least till the second episode.

I mean, Jesus. The microphone and blowjobface totally push him over the edge. He’s so gay in that picture that his turtleneck is embarrassed.

Since we’re on the subject of Jay lovers, for the (real) girls, I’ll start with Kimberly, who, like every other dumb blonde, complains about being called a dumb blonde.

Also, as pointed out by Miss J, her face is squished. She looks like this:

Just kidding. She actually looks like this:

Hmmm. You know, I think she looks better in the previous one. On the plus side, she can almost say "federal offense," so, uh, yeah.

And speaking of dumb blondes and since, you know, I can barely contain my love for her at this point, let’s try on Anya, shall we?

I love that Tyra described Anya’s accent as, “beach/surfer/Hawaii.” How charitable. You know Carol Kane, how there’s something just…wrong? It’s not retardation, but it’s not not retardation? Yeah.

   

Anya says, "I wake up every morning thinking about this, every second. When I go to sleep, I have to take an hour just to breathe. Not a hour, but you know what I mean. " I do. She means that not enough oxygen is getting to her brain without major effort, and I hear her loud and clear.

God do I love this girl, However, if it’s not too confusing for everyone, I’m going to start to call her “Anyway,” because that’s always always ALWAYS how her name comes out when I go to type it. So, got that everyone? Anywa Anya is Anyway.

I love this shot:

Winston gets the same exact look on his face when something worth batting gets his attention. Maybe that’s why I love Anyway so much. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the houseplants, Anyway! Just the food alone...!

I think Claire has found someone who can share her breast milk, should she pump out an excess. I think it’s good for developing brains.

Also: ew.

Also, also? Way to ruin my bit, Tyra. Now I don’t have anything disgusting to say about Claire’s lactation. Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot.

And then there’s Amy…

Or, as we’ll come to call her starting next week, Amis. As in…Amishole.

That isn’t facial hair she’s rocking. It isn't even a breast-milk mustache. It’s Amishair.

And while we’re on the topic of dumb, let me just beat up myself for a second by not recognizing Katarzyna’s immense beauty when I first saw it.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I mean, she’s got nose for days, but whatever. Absolutely gorgeous. If she can take pictures at all and convince the judges of some sense of progress, I’m thinking Top 3 at the very least.

Oh and I loved this:

Just putting Paulina Poriskova in your heads. No particular reason to be planting seeds for next week's judging or anything. Oh, ANTM, how you condescend to me. It’s charming, really, at this point.

From a girl that I initially underrated to one that I totally overrated, Allison is up next.

What a diabolical little twerp. Did you see what she said to Whitney?

You can’t see her in the shot, but those are totally her words. What an asshole! As if walking around with a body that looks a series of chicken cutlets in vaccuum-sealed bags (did you see the shot of her Jezebel posted from one of the promos?) is attractive to anyone other than femalephobic gay designers who want human clothes hangers!

Those words are Whitney’s. Allison laughs because she doesn’t speak person.

Also, I love her posture in the interviews. She’s all…

…ridin’ in the back…

…sun-roof top, diggin' the scene with a gangsta lean.

Not buyin’ it, Spunky Brewster. Hey Allison, how old are you emotionally and bodily?

That’s what I thought.

Oh, and since I mentioned Whitney:

Best body on a plus-sized ANTM girl ever? I think so. I’m not totally in love with her face, but I’m open to loving it! It’s been noted how much she looks like Anna Nicole:

I concur!

And since Whitney’s all political in her full-figuredness, the whole “Like my body?” thing is even more appropriate. Kinda love her so far, I gotta say.

Also feeling: Lauren because she watches zombie movies, goes to punk shows and is...pretty laid back.

I can’t wait to see how the judges build up her interest in modeling, only to take it all away. Lucio Fulci has nothing on Tyra’s metaphorical eye-gouging.

Also, I love that she posed like this:

Girl, I wouldn’t want to look at them, either.

And speaking of zombies…

The other girls described Dominique’s skin as “leathery,” but I think it looks more rubbery. At least on TV, it does. She looks like she’s wearing a mask. This show’s called ANTM, not Scooby Doo. See ya, old man who lives down by the abandoned amusement park!

And how ‘bout "I been through an abusive relationship with a man, who was very physically and emotionally abusive to me. And I showed him you can’t put a price on all this. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty."

For the many reasons that this diatribe is wrong, the greatest one in my mind is the fashion industry by definition, puts a price on pretty. But maybe Dominique has the right idea: there isn’t a price tag big enough to help her where she needs it.

Verdict’s out on Aimee, who, at least looks kinda fun....

…and completely like Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street.

(And possibly, like she’s about to upchuck.)

And then there’s Marvita, whom I was totally unimpressed with last cycle, but who won me over as she ticked off the previous cycle girls in their pointless cameos.

There was Furonda, who looked more like a gremlin in a wig than ever…

…there were the twins…

…there was Jael….

…and then there was, in Marvita’s words, "that one girl!"

Swoon. There’s something wonderfully refreshing about someone who doesn’t take this shit so seriously and know it by heart. These people are increasingly few and far between in my world.

But don’t tell Tyra that:

"When my pastor saw the show last season, she was like, ‘You need more Jesus.’ So I was like, ‘Maybe I do...'" So naturally, she returns to ANTM, where more Jesus comes in the form of a wig-wearing, vagina-arms advocate. It's not a piece of toast or a Jesus-shaped Cheeto, but it'll do.

And also, I don’t think Marvita was being an asshole when she asked Fatima if circumcision made her feel like less of a woman.

Not assy, but definitely assbergery. I have a feeling that since she’s so (somewhat awkwardly) open about the molestation in her past, Marvita just wanted to bond, you know? Wrong place, wrong time, but not ridiculous. It was, at worst, a mild form of rudeness.

And since I’m on the topic of Fatima…

She does NOT look that much like Iman. Just because they’re both Somalian doesn’t mean they look alike! That’s like saying Tyra looks like Beyonce since they both wear ribs on their thighs and rock lacefronts, you know? Anyway, while the circumcision card is totally hers to play, this whole thing was so gross.

Like for real, if you’re uppity, at least pretend to have the class that’s supposed to accompany your higher status. I believe Shaya said it best when she painfully told us…

"The girl from Africa, she called me ghetto. But she didn’t say ‘ghetto,’ like, “Ah, Shaya, you so ghetto!’ Like she said it, ‘Ugh! You so ghetto!'" Got that?

I did think this was interesting, though:

Is that a clue into her sexuality? The fact that she made the "...with men" distinction means she's totally gay right? Pretty fascinating.

Regardless, the final thing I have to say about Fatima is:

She walks like Robocop.

One of her sparring partners was a charming elderly woman who went by the name of Shalynda. Shalynda…isn’t that the name of Tippi Hedren’s large-cat sanctuary?

 

In addition to looking about 75…

…like an unfortunate mixture of Alfre Woodard and Jigglypuff…

...and, at times balls- lips-out insane…

...Shalynda is all kinds of confused. She has learned to accept the fact that she’s a bitch, but cannot accept other people accepting it.

Also, she quotes Janice Dickinson poorly. A lost cause, if ever there were.

Her fellow bootees included:

Booty.

Sexy.

Fly. FLYYY!!!

And...

Oddly Eyed.

So much to make fun of, so little time. I didn't even get to Stacy-Ann's stripper song or lap-dancing aspirations. If Anyway is dumb, Stacy-Ann is definitely on the tweedle side.

And so to round this out, the final girl I’m covering is, of course, Tyra.

Hmmm. Something feels wrong.

Ah, that’s better. Now I can concentrate.

Wait. How 'bout one for Mr. Jay?

Nipples for all!

Riddle me this: Tyra looks more constipated in picture A...

...or picture B?

And finally, here’s a mini wall of gifs culled entirely from her judgment mugging.

   

I say this every time a cycle starts again, but damn, it feels good to be home.

Comments

[SuperSpleen]

YES! ANYWAY!

[Emma]

Great! Love the pictures of tyra, haha!

[Transcendental Moo Cow]

I actually think Katarzyna looks like Tiffany Amber Thiessen (sp?). Just my two cents. Great recap!! I always look forward to Mondays during ANTM...

[beeinabox]

Thank God you're back. Mondays without you were such shit!!

[mycull]

Home Sweet Home.

[Gregorio]

I totally skipped right over Atalya too! Mentally and whatever. She's boring, and not interesting boring, like Nik. Just boring.

And speaking of Cycle 5, how awesome was it that this was like a subliminal tribute to Ashley, that cycle's first eliminee? Not only does Whitney look and sound like her (and they're both from Florida, duh), but Dominique has her pretty gene! Bodes well for both of those girls...

[Kay]

wow, you always make my Mondays, Rich.

Marvita = Chris Rock.

[Laura is Hungry and Frozen]

YAY! God these girls are crazy. I don't think that going back to New York is going to raise them above the scene with Furonda and Jael cheerleading, and Tyra being prom queen...did anyone else wonder if a bucket of pig's blood was going to fall on her?

Hee. Allison was trying sooo hard. She looked a teeny bit Silverman-esque in some shots, I thought...I love that you noticed how Tyra tries to relate herself with every single girl and I laughed so friggin hard when you blew up Kimberly's face. Can't wait till next Tuesday (am in NZ, time travels slower here)

[Angie]

I wake up every morning thinking about your Monday recap, every second. When I go to sleep, I have to take an hour just to breathe. Not a hour, but you know what I mean...

[Raignn]

The squishy face picture made me laugh so hard I spit oatmeal raisin cookie all over my screen.

It's going to be a weeeeird season!

[katrynane]

tiffany amber thiessen or trishelle fromt the real world.

either way; marvita is on for the controvery and then she'll get booted. She's still bad.

And I kind of love Allison, skeletor rib cage and all.

[BlackRaspberry]

I thought I was hearing her wrong when Fatima said female circumcision was "positive" and then completely flipped her stance. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Shannon]

Amazing recap! This is always so entertaining to read

[jenner]

I totally think Katarzyna is a dead ringer for Geri Halliwell. I think she might be my fave so far.

Maybe.

[Anna]

Yes! Nipples for all! Can't have a true democracy without 'em.

Allison is truly awesome in her twerpitude; Katarzyna is really pretty; Anya is... I don't even know. Amazing, I think.

I thought Kristen looked more like a not-Norelle than a not-Jayla, though they really all look the same anyway.

Thanks for the stripper-song mp3. Doo doo doo...

[Gebbs]

"I love that Tyra described Anya’s accent as, “beach/surfer/Hawaii.”

ugh I hated that!! Has Tyra really never met anyone from Hawaii? I thought she was so world-traveled! That is an authentic Hawaiian accent, NOT a "beach/surfer" accent. I dunno, I guess its sort of like saying to a girl from Brooklyn "You have like a ghetto accent! How neat!"

[Just Some Guy]

Joan Van Ark today = Mr. Jay in a few more years and a few more plastic surgeries.

[nicolelaroche]

The last Tyra gif is so sharp and clear it's looking less gif and more Harry Potter Land photo. I love it!

[steele]

I just don't see what what you see in Katarzyna, she looks kind of trashy, maybe after the makeovers. I'm definitely rooting for Amis though, she reminds me of Lisa.

[S]

THANK YOU for the Jigglypuff, but why no side by side comparison?

[Courtney]

Fantastic as usual.....welcome home!!

[LisaL]

I'm really not all that impressed with these girls.
Now that's not to say I'm not going to have my ass glued to the tv watching it every week though lol
I just hope we get some better models than the crap we've gotten for the past few seasons.

The nipple thing made me laugh for as long as Anya's nose is...

Also, doesn't Allison look a lot like Sarah Silverman? Not just in her look, but her entire persona except the part of being funny.

[LisaL]

I meant to keep saying heh.... I just watched Canada's Next Top Model Cycle 2 last night on youtube.... and I must say... the girl that won that far.. FAR surpasses anyone who has won ANTM for as long as I've been watching it.
I want someone like her in ANTM!

[kim]

in that one cap, fatima says, "you can black and smart and beautiful." is that a fuck up on the editors part or did she actually say, "you can black"?

also, kat rocks my socks, and allison is like an unfunny sarah silverman.