"Can I call you a bitch?"

I don't know about y'all...

...but I take this as a sign. A sign of wonderment and blowjobfaces to come!

Blahblahblah, yay! Blahblahblah, it's back. Blahblahblah, I won't have a weekend to call my own till the end of May. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I'm kidding. I bitch because I love it. It's my way of bonding with things. Anyway, I'm not going to spend any more time with introductions, since in addition to feeling like ANTM was last on the air 5,000 years ago, it also feels like it just went off yesterday. It's funny the way winter makes things expand and contract.

Crying count!

1. Tyra!

Even though it was fake, I'm counting it because it really taps into the trifling spirit of the show. Also? At first, I thought it was a new, novel way to assert models' superiority over pageant girls (the new, novel way being beauty-queen minstrelsy), but then I thought about it and I guess homecoming queens aren't necessarily pageant girls, now are they? So instead, it's an anti-homecoming queen thing, which I'm sure the the result of similar deep-seated insecurities, which in turn, are probably the same deep-seated insecurities that would prompt someone to want to become a famous model. But that's just conjecture. If nothing else, I revel in shrinking Tyra so early into the cycle. It isn't yet tired. Consider this my shrieking at Tyramail. You know by the end of the cycle, I'm gonna be all monotone, like, "Electraaaa complllllllllex."

Also, I like when she makes herself really, really ugly.

If the shot at the top is a compliment, surely this is a gift. I mean a curse. I mean...

2. Fatima

And the word “circumcision” hasn’t even left her mouth yet!

3. Fatima

…annnnd, now it has.

4. Fatima

And again! And again! I guess it isn’t such a positive thing, after all then?

You’d maybe think by now she’d be adjusted to the whole genital-mutilation thing, but hey, fair enough. It’s seriously such a disgusting, abhorrent and hateful thing to have happened that it’s given her the right never stop crying over it, if she sees fit. Also, she’s said that she wants to use the show as a platform, and if broad strokes in the form of tears are what she needs to do to drive her point home, so be it. I reserve the right to revise my opinion as the crying persists. If nothing else, I look forward to seeing how the battle between my compassion and crankiness plays out. My money’s on my cranky!

5. Shaya

In a bid for solidarity Shaya’s all, “I don’t want you to join the circum. You gonna fall from the trapezes and break your pretty!"

6. Notjayla

I don’t think I’ve ever wished more that someone was Jayla, in fact.

7. Carnie Wilson (?)

So I guess the answer to, “Someday somebody’s gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye / Till then, baby, are you gonna let it hold you down and make you cry?” is a yes, then?

8. Shaya

"Shaya is goofy, Shaya is sexy, Shaya is everybody’s fantasy." Everybody, except, you know…everybody.

9. Shalynda

She’s been rejected from ANTM eight times and she’s still not all cried out. For that fact alone, she could be a major asset to this show. Cycle 11 is Shalynda’s cycle, I can feel it!

10. Anya

After Anya’s display throughout the episode, I’m impressed that her brain has the actual processing ability to form tears.

11. Atalya

She’s as shocked as I am.

12. Claire

Claire lactates so much, I'm not sure if she's wiping away a tear, or if breast milk is coming out of her eye.

13. Notjayla

“Was it the mom hair? It was the mom hair, wasn’t it? The one thing I can’t change about myself! The one thing that is me.”

14. Dominique

You’ll see below that this is actually the prettiest  Dominique looks in the whole recap. All downhill from here, for real.

This week’s episode was shockingly light on pseudo-insight from Tyra, so choosing Tyraisms was difficult. I really hope that she was just having an off week and that she isn’t fucking with me. Don’t make me get mean, bitch. These are kinda Tyraisms-lite. Notice that I said “lite,” not “fat free.” The one thing I’ll never do is lie to you.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

“Sí. Oye!”

Tyra used what I can only assume are the two single words she knows in Spanish when confronted with a Latina girl with stretch marks near her cooch. I love how Tyra always shares a part of herself to relate to the girls. When Fatima came on talking about the circum, Tyra was all, “I know exactly how you feel. My upper arms look a mess, girl!”

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

“Nuuuh, nuuuh, nuuuuuuhhh.”

Although the pseudo-insight was missing, the regular old insight never stopped rolling.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

“We don’t have room for two Amys, so who’s gonna change their name? OK, you guys go figure it out over there.”

Oh, so Charm School is good enough to rip-off, but you couldn’t go Rock of Love with the same-named girls getting initials a la Brandi C and Brandi M.? That’s right, I forgot: this joint is high-class. Also I kinda love how over it she is: “Go figure it out over there.” I bet she kinda hopes that they’ll fight to the death for it. Less work for her, come elimination time!

Since it’s the casting show, I’m gonna to do what I often do this first recap of the cycle and just go through girl-by-girl with my initial thoughts (except I won’t be talking about Atalya because, uh, I don’t feel like it) on each. The first girl up is:

This one.

OK, so what was up with every single fucking girl proclaiming their love for Jay this episode? Was it Fuck with Jay Day?

"Jay Manuel, he’s fine! Like, y’all don’t understand. ” Right-o, I don’t!

 

And, perhaps most notably, there was this "rap", delivered by Marguerite, whose thick layer of eyeliner, matter-of-factly metalhead hair and undernourished frame makes her look like approximately like every female schoolmate I had growing up in South Jersey, K-12.

“So I’ve gotta admit
I’ve got a little crush
On someone we know
And love oh so much
That’s right, I’m crushin’
On Mr. Jay Manuel
Lucky for me,
He’ll never know how I feel
‘Cause with his help,
I’ll look innocent, and make it look real.”

Girls in the past have noted his attractiveness, but never this many in one episode, and never, ever with a creative angle. I can only assume that these girls were put up to this and I’m going to delight in assuming that it was because of some ego trip on his part. Because seriously, what the hell? I’m sorry: he’s white-haired and bronzed to death. He looks like he should be collecting money in an Episcopalian church.

It’s like, here dude, have a brooch.

And I understand that people are people, and anyone can be attracted to anyone else, regardless of sexuality, but come on, girls. Please don’t bother us with your crushes on intangible gay men. Keep your security issues to yourself, at least till the second episode.

I mean, Jesus. The microphone and blowjobface totally push him over the edge. He’s so gay in that picture that his turtleneck is embarrassed.

Since we’re on the subject of Jay lovers, for the (real) girls, I’ll start with Kimberly, who, like every other dumb blonde, complains about being called a dumb blonde.

Also, as pointed out by Miss J, her face is squished. She looks like this:

Just kidding. She actually looks like this:

Hmmm. You know, I think she looks better in the previous one. On the plus side, she can almost say "federal offense," so, uh, yeah.

And speaking of dumb blondes and since, you know, I can barely contain my love for her at this point, let’s try on Anya, shall we?

I love that Tyra described Anya’s accent as, “beach/surfer/Hawaii.” How charitable. You know Carol Kane, how there’s something just…wrong? It’s not retardation, but it’s not not retardation? Yeah.

   

Anya says, "I wake up every morning thinking about this, every second. When I go to sleep, I have to take an hour just to breathe. Not a hour, but you know what I mean. " I do. She means that not enough oxygen is getting to her brain without major effort, and I hear her loud and clear.

God do I love this girl, However, if it’s not too confusing for everyone, I’m going to start to call her “Anyway,” because that’s always always ALWAYS how her name comes out when I go to type it. So, got that everyone? Anywa Anya is Anyway.

I love this shot:

Winston gets the same exact look on his face when something worth batting gets his attention. Maybe that’s why I love Anyway so much. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the houseplants, Anyway! Just the food alone...!

I think Claire has found someone who can share her breast milk, should she pump out an excess. I think it’s good for developing brains.

Also: ew.

Also, also? Way to ruin my bit, Tyra. Now I don’t have anything disgusting to say about Claire’s lactation. Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot.

And then there’s Amy…

Or, as we’ll come to call her starting next week, Amis. As in…Amishole.

That isn’t facial hair she’s rocking. It isn't even a breast-milk mustache. It’s Amishair.

And while we’re on the topic of dumb, let me just beat up myself for a second by not recognizing Katarzyna’s immense beauty when I first saw it.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I mean, she’s got nose for days, but whatever. Absolutely gorgeous. If she can take pictures at all and convince the judges of some sense of progress, I’m thinking Top 3 at the very least.

Oh and I loved this:

Just putting Paulina Poriskova in your heads. No particular reason to be planting seeds for next week's judging or anything. Oh, ANTM, how you condescend to me. It’s charming, really, at this point.

From a girl that I initially underrated to one that I totally overrated, Allison is up next.

What a diabolical little twerp. Did you see what she said to Whitney?

You can’t see her in the shot, but those are totally her words. What an asshole! As if walking around with a body that looks a series of chicken cutlets in vaccuum-sealed bags (did you see the shot of her Jezebel posted from one of the promos?) is attractive to anyone other than femalephobic gay designers who want human clothes hangers!

Those words are Whitney’s. Allison laughs because she doesn’t speak person.

Also, I love her posture in the interviews. She’s all…

…ridin’ in the back…

…sun-roof top, diggin' the scene with a gangsta lean.

Not buyin’ it, Spunky Brewster. Hey Allison, how old are you emotionally and bodily?

That’s what I thought.

Oh, and since I mentioned Whitney:

Best body on a plus-sized ANTM girl ever? I think so. I’m not totally in love with her face, but I’m open to loving it! It’s been noted how much she looks like Anna Nicole:

I concur!

And since Whitney’s all political in her full-figuredness, the whole “Like my body?” thing is even more appropriate. Kinda love her so far, I gotta say.

Also feeling: Lauren because she watches zombie movies, goes to punk shows and is...pretty laid back.

I can’t wait to see how the judges build up her interest in modeling, only to take it all away. Lucio Fulci has nothing on Tyra’s metaphorical eye-gouging.

Also, I love that she posed like this:

Girl, I wouldn’t want to look at them, either.

And speaking of zombies…

The other girls described Dominique’s skin as “leathery,” but I think it looks more rubbery. At least on TV, it does. She looks like she’s wearing a mask. This show’s called ANTM, not Scooby Doo. See ya, old man who lives down by the abandoned amusement park!

And how ‘bout "I been through an abusive relationship with a man, who was very physically and emotionally abusive to me. And I showed him you can’t put a price on all this. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty."

For the many reasons that this diatribe is wrong, the greatest one in my mind is the fashion industry by definition, puts a price on pretty. But maybe Dominique has the right idea: there isn’t a price tag big enough to help her where she needs it.

Verdict’s out on Aimee, who, at least looks kinda fun....

…and completely like Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street.

(And possibly, like she’s about to upchuck.)

And then there’s Marvita, whom I was totally unimpressed with last cycle, but who won me over as she ticked off the previous cycle girls in their pointless cameos.

There was Furonda, who looked more like a gremlin in a wig than ever…

…there were the twins…

…there was Jael….

…and then there was, in Marvita’s words, "that one girl!"

Swoon. There’s something wonderfully refreshing about someone who doesn’t take this shit so seriously and know it by heart. These people are increasingly few and far between in my world.

But don’t tell Tyra that:

"When my pastor saw the show last season, she was like, ‘You need more Jesus.’ So I was like, ‘Maybe I do...'" So naturally, she returns to ANTM, where more Jesus comes in the form of a wig-wearing, vagina-arms advocate. It's not a piece of toast or a Jesus-shaped Cheeto, but it'll do.

And also, I don’t think Marvita was being an asshole when she asked Fatima if circumcision made her feel like less of a woman.

Not assy, but definitely assbergery. I have a feeling that since she’s so (somewhat awkwardly) open about the molestation in her past, Marvita just wanted to bond, you know? Wrong place, wrong time, but not ridiculous. It was, at worst, a mild form of rudeness.

And since I’m on the topic of Fatima…

She does NOT look that much like Iman. Just because they’re both Somalian doesn’t mean they look alike! That’s like saying Tyra looks like Beyonce since they both wear ribs on their thighs and rock lacefronts, you know? Anyway, while the circumcision card is totally hers to play, this whole thing was so gross.

Like for real, if you’re uppity, at least pretend to have the class that’s supposed to accompany your higher status. I believe Shaya said it best when she painfully told us…

"The girl from Africa, she called me ghetto. But she didn’t say ‘ghetto,’ like, “Ah, Shaya, you so ghetto!’ Like she said it, ‘Ugh! You so ghetto!'" Got that?

I did think this was interesting, though:

Is that a clue into her sexuality? The fact that she made the "...with men" distinction means she's totally gay right? Pretty fascinating.

Regardless, the final thing I have to say about Fatima is:

She walks like Robocop.

One of her sparring partners was a charming elderly woman who went by the name of Shalynda. Shalynda…isn’t that the name of Tippi Hedren’s large-cat sanctuary?

 

In addition to looking about 75…

…like an unfortunate mixture of Alfre Woodard and Jigglypuff…

...and, at times balls- lips-out insane…

...Shalynda is all kinds of confused. She has learned to accept the fact that she’s a bitch, but cannot accept other people accepting it.

Also, she quotes Janice Dickinson poorly. A lost cause, if ever there were.

Her fellow bootees included:

Booty.

Sexy.

Fly. FLYYY!!!

And...

Oddly Eyed.

So much to make fun of, so little time. I didn't even get to Stacy-Ann's stripper song or lap-dancing aspirations. If Anyway is dumb, Stacy-Ann is definitely on the tweedle side.

And so to round this out, the final girl I’m covering is, of course, Tyra.

Hmmm. Something feels wrong.

Ah, that’s better. Now I can concentrate.

Wait. How 'bout one for Mr. Jay?

Nipples for all!

Riddle me this: Tyra looks more constipated in picture A...

...or picture B?

And finally, here’s a mini wall of gifs culled entirely from her judgment mugging.

   

I say this every time a cycle starts again, but damn, it feels good to be home.

Comments

[Danielle]

THAT IS NOT MY GUB'MENT NAME!

My mondays haven't been the same without you

[faith]

i fucking love fatima nad i hope her and marvita start doin it. lol. itd be perfect. i would imagine, though, seriously that she is asexual (i would be) being that hse cant achieve a clitoral 'gasm.

hmmmmmmmmmm

[somaligirl]

Hey-just thought I'd point something out about the Fatima situation. I am a Somali female, and no, I haven't been circumcized( Thank God!), but I think the reason Fatima pointed out that she couldn't have sex "with men" in particular is because, as anyone familiar with the topic of FGM will tell you, when a man has sex with a curcumcized female, all the sowing she had down there will tear, causing her to bleed profusely and have to be sown back up-so that's why she said that. I don't know the girl, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean to imply she is a lesbian- you're reading waaaay too much into that-lol. Love the part about robocop though-so true and so hilarious!

[African Girl, American World]

*Exhale*...I'm back to living for Mondays. Rich you rock!

[Jess]

Crazy, in that upper right gif of Tyra's judgments, she looks like she's saying "bon appetit" and inviting you to eat her armpits ... it scares me.

[John]

thank you so much for getting this up on time, ive been looking forward to it ever since the episode aired. i totally wish somebody poured pig's blood on tyra at the homecoming bonfire though, that moment would complete me

[John]

and carnie wilson???? hahaha, i wish i noticed that before

[Bea]

Last week you mentioned ANTM's glossing over of Adrianne's involvement. They did it again, they showed all the other 8 winners finding out and completely ignored her!!!

[Gigglypuff424]

Doesn't Lauren look like a combination of Sarah Polley and Martha Plimpton? She kinda freaks me out/interests me, especially the freaky iridescent pale skin thing she's got going on.

[Liz]

More not to like about Allison! She said she came from the smallest hick town in Wisconsin and that there was nothing there...well Waunakee is actually an affluent suburb of Madison. Its comparable to...well any f*&king suburb of any other major city in the U.S. Tyra dont like liars, babe.

[summer]

*"She does NOT look that much like Iman. Just because they’re both Somalian doesn’t mean they look alike!"

THANK YOU! Can you please shout that from the rooftops!!!

*"One of her sparring partners was a charming elderly woman who went by the name of Shalynda."

I hate you so much for that! You hurt me. It was totally unexpected but right on time. Made my arms all weak and my fingers all tingly.

*Doesn't "mom hair" chick look like Janet from Three's Company??

*Thank you for not jumping on the Dominique bandwagon. I knew I could count on you!

[KatyBelle]

Rich, can you please, please, PLEASE post the entire MP3 of that Jenna-Impala thing? I NEED it!

[ocb]

holy crap she DOES walk like robocop. I think this might just be the season of those that can't walk on the runway.

[Kathy]

The token "punk rock girl" is such a cliche, but I'm loving Lauren, black eye and all.

[raymi]

maybe she meant it isn't possibly psychically to do it with dudes cos her vag is all sewn shut? also J's skin colour is natural, he doesn't tan, or so he says. he laments being accused of that a lot.

[Steve Abramson]

This'll be an alternate version of the same list I put on IMDB a few days ago... - my thoughts on the 14 girls and who will NOT be on top...

14th place) - Stacy-Ann - What is she doing here? Didn't she JUST win Cylce 9? Last thing we need is another hyped-up rainbow-spewing perky-walking bitch! Plus, that doo-doo-doo stripper thing? Lord, Kathleen is starting to look really smart right now! - Yup, Stacy-Ann is gonna be adding to the crying count a week from today as she gets 86'd

13th place) - Aimee - um... - Aimee - I know there are two Amys on this show, and the other one is Lisa D'Amato's twin... but this one... man I can't see the face... sure it's on the blog, and on the group photos - but NOTHING stood out about her - she's getting the Samantha/C8 edit meaning she's gone in two weeks... hope she's a wet cryer!

12th place) - Atalya - I agree, there is NOTHING memorable about this girl, but the ONLY reason she won't get cut in 13th place is GOD FORBID two black women were to be cut at the start of the competition - EVERYONE would be screaming racist! (You should seriously read how many people love throwing the "R" word around on imdb! )

11th place) - Anya - She's more Brita than Natasha - her 13th place callout at semis don't help her - plus the combination of Natasha's garbled English and Mila's grateful attitude (even the FOOD, Anya? Seriously?) makes this bitch annoying even if she had her lips sewn together tighter than Fatima's hooch! (inappropriate, sorry, and I DO love Fatima - my favorite this cycle so far!)

10th place) - Marvita - she's gonna get the one more chance edit this week ("so what are you doing here then?" as seen in the previews - probably in response to the homeless shoot) - but between her and Dominique, ONE of them is going to get the "black bitch" edit (as Tyra would say), and frankly Dominique looks prettier and more versatile than Marvita (besides if Amis looks like Lisa and Dominique looks like Coryn - who DOESN'T want to see those two go at it? LOL)

9th place) - Allison - the girl that seems to split the votes the most - some hate her, some love her - I'm ambivelant(sp?) about her. I think she's gonna have C6's Brooke-itis in that she won't know what the hell to do in a photo and will finally have too many chances (c'mon her photos were NOT that good that we saw!)

8th place) - Whitney - Wow, Whitney, you take phenomenal photographs... - Your body size is perfect - Your attitude is still strong - BUT you're a plus size so you gotta go! - NOW!!! (Not sure if I like HER, but I like her attitude) - unsure about modeling potential, but I just think she'll get another bullshit cut and this'll be the time to do it!

7th place) - Kim - if my roommate would STOP watching "Legally Blonde" the musical on DVD (or listening to it in the car), I might actually try to like her... - but man is she so stoopid - double o for double dumb I guess - However, she's gorgeous (give her an edgy 'do and she'll be Catie from Cycle 2 - ooo a rhyme) but she'll be TOO stupid to take to an international destination (Tyra's already on this water having offended the Chinese with that "authentic" fashion show Cycle 9!)

6th place) Amis - I love this girl! - Not only does she look like Lisa D'Amato, but she has an obsession with vaginals weirdness as well (what COLOR is her snatch died anyway I wonder? or what shape did she shave her hair? and as a gay man, WHY would I even ask these fucking questions?) - She's gonna be TOO extreme to keep around, but I have faith she'll have strong photos like Lisa as well (especially if she gets to do a pube one!)

5th place) Dominique - "all this" is going to be "all that" ONE too many times (Camille/C2 anyone?) - I think she might be able to take some good pictures; and her body looks good I guess... but I just think she's going to be too self-involved, that Tyra won't want her around for the finals as the ONLY person of self-involvement allowed is Tyrant herself!

4th place) Casperzina - Montezuma - Paulina Pauri-whats-her-face - Katarzyna - damn that's a name - looking like Paulina gives her top five guaranteed! - Looking like a Spice Girl does NOT give her final three - I don't think she'll be a bad model - I just think that the top three on my list are going to surpass her and someone's gotta give (possibly being the fiercest final four since cycle 2?) - damn I must be on my meds if I'm comparing anything to that classic cycle LOL

3rd place) Fatima - Yes, I do LOVE this girl - and it's not for her not-so-split clit? (boy I'm scathing today) - I think she'll do some gorgeous photos and make phenomenal improvement - but I think her walk is going to be enough of a hindrance that she'll miss the finals (which would be a BLESSING since winners never do squat most of the time and I think Fatima deserves better than the crappy ass prize this show will give...) - Besides does Seventeen magazine REALLY want to put someone on the cover AND put in print the word CLITORIS??? - Um. NO!!! - Besides we already got clit-faced with Tootie, so they'll learn twice LOL

2nd place) - Claire - First of all, I'm the rare duck that is NOT grossed out by her drinking her milk - hell I LOVE drinking people's milk - well... men's milk... and prefer it to come out of their cocks rather than their breasts - but it's STILL bodily fluids of one kind or another!!! - This girl is gonna kick ass in the competition once they change her hair (and I doubt she'll pull a Renee and bitch about baby blues every 3 seconds)... BUT... if Seventeen don't like talking about the clit, they SURE as hell don't want a MAMA on their cover either - so, nope - she's out... meaning... WHAT???

WINNER) - Lauren - C'mon - if there's EVER a girl who's gonna take the dark horse route to the win, it's this girl right here! - Not as annoying as Megg/C7 (ROCK N ROLLLLLLLL), Not as helpless as Heather/C9 (the walk) and Not as bright as a box of rocks (that pose in semis was just "P" to the fuckin' priceless!!! - I'm stickin' with my guns - even Tyra says "all the working models today are ugly beautiful" (or some shit like that) - the ONLY way Tyra can not look like a hypocrite is to hand Lauren the prize!!!

Will I be right? No - but it's the only thing I've got going for me right now - cause after Saleishagate, Tyra is dead in my book - so she can just zip it bitch!

[chiznit]

Allison totally looks like Sarah Silverman! And I'm quite sad that you didn't mock the white-trash "FLYYY!!" girl a bit more.
Nonetheless, great job as always.

[Cynnel]

I've noticed this before, but does Tyra resemble a Klingon with her furrowed brow or what?

[MDP]

When Amy took her picture out it looked JUST LIKE Jo from the Facts Of Life.

[Angela]

hmmm... so no one noticed that Marvita looks just like Chris Rock on Im Gon Get you Sucka??? I'd sooo give 5.00 to hear her ask for "one rib". LOL

[Who Jackman]

What I found especially funny about the first Tyraism is that if she was trying to say "Yes, I hear" she should have said "Si, oigo". It seems as though Miz Banks popped Santana's Oye Como Va into her cd player one too many times.

[Lola]

I think Allison looks JUST like Sarah Silverman! I 100% agree with those who have said it before. In fact, it's to the point that it kept bothering me because I kept on waiting for something odd and off-color to come out of her mouth... and well it did, but it wasn't funny! So I was left with an unsettling feeling...

[Krzysztof]

Your right, Fatima doesn't look like Iman. Actually, in the side by side picture, she looks more like a Pound Puppy. Or Rowlf the Dog.

And you're right... so good to be home!

[Krissy]

In the Constipation picture B does anyone else think that the crinkling going on with Tyra's nose looks the beginnings of a Kling-on face?
Forgive me for spelling that wrong...I am by no means a Star Trek Fan but thats what it made me think of.

[Miss Lisa]

Uh...at least Lauren is entertaining in a Ally Sheedy Breakfast Club way. Otherwise, Joanie is the only pretty girl in all those photo stills. Why can't she at least get a Listerine commercial or something? Is there no justice in this world?