Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

So, here's my take on the past contestants who came back as talking heads, in order from most to least unfortunate:

Ugh! I'm guessing the excessive makeup and completely unflattering hair has something to do with Asperger's. Well, either that or that alien that she brought along to hover just below her shoulder. It tells her to do bad things like arson and applying copious rouge.

Yet another fav of mine, who just couldn't bring it. All I see is Robert Palmer video girl. Remember how she was pleading for representation on the ANTM E! True Hollywood Story a while back? I bet she'd kill for the opportunity to appear in a Robert Palmer comeback video. The lights are on, and oh yes she's home. Waiting. By. The. Phone.

Wait, what cycle did Sharon Stone appear on again?

Oh never mind, it's Jael! I think she's probably wearing that hat to enrich her individuality, but mainly I think it shifts the focus from her crazy. She wins, I win.

Hair Girl really was right to resist Tyra's Mia Farrowing of her. Girlfriend does not need a pixie cut, as she's clearly elfin. Preserve the purity of the elfin race, damn it! Anyway, she looks a hell of a lot better now than she did with that chopped hay sitting on her scalp. Imagine that!

My impulse was to scream about how hot Bianca looks, but upon further inspection: she just looks good  here because she looks good always. Homegirl is breathtaking. I have to take issue with that wig, though -- it looks like an off-center version of Count Duckula's weave.

Love her hair, but I hate that she looks like she's lost weight since the show. Nothing from nothing equals dead! If she keeps losing weight, she's going to be nothing but cheekbones, some freakish Spitting Image version of Mariah Carey.

Here, Dionne isn't so much Wholahay as Whooo! Lotta Hair! She is a lioness and I'm proud!

She's gone from rocking a Pigford Poodle to this current incarnation of a tightly cropped sheep dog, but hey: an upgrade is an upgrade! Also, she's glowing so much, I think she's either pregnant or radioactive.

This shot doesn't exactly do Tocarra's current appearance justice, but I went with it because her sass is palpable even without hearing what she's saying. Sass has so much to do with attractiveness, you have no idea. Here to me, she looks like Pam Grier and a half, which is decidedly less than before, and which brings me to my next point: Tocarra has lost so much weight, but isn't her point that she's big and beautiful? And by point, I mean "...of her pop-culture participation and/or existence"? Whatever, as long as she's got a T-shirt to remind us that she's big and the juggs to stretch it out, it's all good.

(Oh, and her commentary was by far the best. My favorite thing she said was, "Ann and Eva? That was just gay." So true and so concise. Sorry Jade -- Tocarra is ANTM's poet laureate.)

Joanie was never my fav, but god, she looks stunning. Why isn't this girl getting work? Isn't there a Select Dental commercial that needs taping? I can play her husband!

Meanwhile, in other where-are-they-now news from girls that didn't appear on the special, Cycle 3's Kelle relishes her say in this little thing we call democracy, but more disturbingly, has a fuzzy-ass television. Meanwhile, Cycle 4's Michelle has given birth. She says her daughter has "long legs and a sexy butt." I'm not making that up. Based on what I've learned from TV, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she, too, has a mild form of autism.

Comments

[tia]

duck-u-la. i love that cartoon and i missed this episode.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

Miss J is my favorite part of ANTM. I could do with less Tyra and more J.
Jules
House of Jules

[jtalia]

YAY, i wish you could do the narrating instad of tyra.. maybe doable?

please

[jtalia]

(instead)

please do it rich

[Lea]

I haven't even read this yet. I just had to come down to comments and say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw this last night and prayed to every god there is that you would recap this!

[Eva (not the lezzy)]

Haha, Kelle had a jacked up TV!, but damn that dad interviewed after her was cuute.
Joanie got hired to do work for Beyonce`'s House of Dereon, but got fired after she overslept (it was on Tyra)

And i completely agree with Jtalia, you should totally renarrate over Tyra's voice and put the special on Youtube! Think of how fun it would be!! Imagine That...

[lengli]

I saw Miss J the other day walking down 5th Avenue and I swear it was one of the best moments of the year (even though he's also guilty of helping Tyra canonize herself). I agree, more Miss J, less Tyra!

[winston for president]

What a treat! I was sorta expecting this to be posted on Monday, so imagine my happiness when I saw this. It doesn't take much to please me.

[FromTheFuture]

I can NOT wait for Shandi's Italian hot tub make-out next week!

[Bart]

How do you know when stuff like this comes on??

I was wondering what you thought of Make Me a Supermodel. There's some good stuff going on on the show, although Nikki Taylor isn't so great. She reads her lines slowly like Tyra, but she reads them too slowly.

[Liz K]

Michelle's not the only one. Tatiana from Cycle 4 is preggo too. $10 she gives birth to a Pug.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=8414121

[jaime]

Sorry to break it to you, but Robert Palmer is dead. No comeback album on the horizon for him. . .

Robert Palmer died last year.

[pricolatino]

Hey, if Tupac has released about 10 albums after his death, why can't Robert Palmer do the same? ;-)

[milkyaqua]

Did anybody see Tyra's talkshow where The Moment of Truth folks were on? Tyra was strapped to a lie detector and asked these questions.

The questions she was truthful about: She cares about the ANTM girls' self-esteem; she doesn't think she's the prettiest woman; she and Naomi Campbell are on good terms now.

The ones she got busted on: Saying she wasn't jealous of Oprah and that all of the girls who won ANTM deserved it.

That special was okay but I'm hoping part 2 is better. Toccara looked good. Bianca needs to bury that wig or take out that awful weave. Heather should back away from the bright red lipstick. Camille and Eva are still delusional.

[Noah D]

Tatiana is preggers? Nevermind giving birth to a pug, she'll give birth to cousin Shelly.

[Elspeth]

They made Heather look like crap on purpose so they could say "See, this is why she didn't win!"

[sara]

Hilarious.

But is it just me or does Bianca's hair look like a hair style you can choose on wii??

http://www.famousmii.com/mii/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/hair.jpg (see second row down first on the left)

[stud]

Yes, do your own voice-over over the entire special!! Aaaand that Select Dental commercial brings back MEMORIES!

[Elena]

I can't believe I missed this! I totally forgot that it was going to be on.

[Angela]

Michelle being pregnant/having a baby confuses me... i thought she was gay???

[bribribri]

didn't get to see this. ty. Joanie ftw.

[shelby]

there were parts that sounded like someone imitating tyra was narrating. the fuck?

also, michelle not only had a baby, but had it with that survivor douche, johnny fairplay. what.

joanie is too hot.

[winston for president]

Michelle is bi. Though lesbians can certainly have babies, too.

[cam]

I gave the link a hopeful hit just in case... Thanks Rich! Always a good read.