Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

So, here's my take on the past contestants who came back as talking heads, in order from most to least unfortunate:

Ugh! I'm guessing the excessive makeup and completely unflattering hair has something to do with Asperger's. Well, either that or that alien that she brought along to hover just below her shoulder. It tells her to do bad things like arson and applying copious rouge.

Yet another fav of mine, who just couldn't bring it. All I see is Robert Palmer video girl. Remember how she was pleading for representation on the ANTM E! True Hollywood Story a while back? I bet she'd kill for the opportunity to appear in a Robert Palmer comeback video. The lights are on, and oh yes she's home. Waiting. By. The. Phone.

Wait, what cycle did Sharon Stone appear on again?

Oh never mind, it's Jael! I think she's probably wearing that hat to enrich her individuality, but mainly I think it shifts the focus from her crazy. She wins, I win.

Hair Girl really was right to resist Tyra's Mia Farrowing of her. Girlfriend does not need a pixie cut, as she's clearly elfin. Preserve the purity of the elfin race, damn it! Anyway, she looks a hell of a lot better now than she did with that chopped hay sitting on her scalp. Imagine that!

My impulse was to scream about how hot Bianca looks, but upon further inspection: she just looks good  here because she looks good always. Homegirl is breathtaking. I have to take issue with that wig, though -- it looks like an off-center version of Count Duckula's weave.

Love her hair, but I hate that she looks like she's lost weight since the show. Nothing from nothing equals dead! If she keeps losing weight, she's going to be nothing but cheekbones, some freakish Spitting Image version of Mariah Carey.

Here, Dionne isn't so much Wholahay as Whooo! Lotta Hair! She is a lioness and I'm proud!

She's gone from rocking a Pigford Poodle to this current incarnation of a tightly cropped sheep dog, but hey: an upgrade is an upgrade! Also, she's glowing so much, I think she's either pregnant or radioactive.

This shot doesn't exactly do Tocarra's current appearance justice, but I went with it because her sass is palpable even without hearing what she's saying. Sass has so much to do with attractiveness, you have no idea. Here to me, she looks like Pam Grier and a half, which is decidedly less than before, and which brings me to my next point: Tocarra has lost so much weight, but isn't her point that she's big and beautiful? And by point, I mean "...of her pop-culture participation and/or existence"? Whatever, as long as she's got a T-shirt to remind us that she's big and the juggs to stretch it out, it's all good.

(Oh, and her commentary was by far the best. My favorite thing she said was, "Ann and Eva? That was just gay." So true and so concise. Sorry Jade -- Tocarra is ANTM's poet laureate.)

Joanie was never my fav, but god, she looks stunning. Why isn't this girl getting work? Isn't there a Select Dental commercial that needs taping? I can play her husband!

Meanwhile, in other where-are-they-now news from girls that didn't appear on the special, Cycle 3's Kelle relishes her say in this little thing we call democracy, but more disturbingly, has a fuzzy-ass television. Meanwhile, Cycle 4's Michelle has given birth. She says her daughter has "long legs and a sexy butt." I'm not making that up. Based on what I've learned from TV, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she, too, has a mild form of autism.

Comments

[sarah]

rich,

robert palmer is dead!!
which would make a comeback video even all the more amazing for bre.

[The Over-Thinker]

Oh holy hell. Thank you for this. The only thing that could have made it better is if you had whipped up an animated gif of a red-lipped Bre swaying in the Simply Irresistible video. I think I'd pay at least a dollar to see that.

How the hell can an infant have a woman's long legs and sexy butt?

[Dynah]

I love how their example of Miss J's "cutting edge humor" is "Personally, I think you all suck." That's cutting-edge if I ever heard it...uh huh.

[Brandon H]

Black bitches?

[steele]

when the hell did this air?? I wish I could watch it, I love behind the scenes crap.

[njtx71]

rich, thanks for the select dental reference. i'm still laughing. for the record, you would have done such a better job than the guy in the commercial.

[SarahD]

I think Bianca stole Marv Albert's hair.

[Sara]

SELECT DENTAL!!!
Hilarious!

[Jennifer]

shelby, winston for president, Angela, etc

Wrong Michelle.
Michelle (Cycle 4) the athlete with impetigo had the baby. She's engaged to Johnny Fairplay from Survivor.
Michelle the twin (Cycle 7)is queer-identifying and not yet a babymaker that I know of.
And it is absurd that I care.

[Jason]

That Select Dental call-out just gave me a hard-on.

[Vanessa]

Suck ass! I didn't even know this was on. I thank God again I have you Rich. Altho, Joanie well and truly is my fave contestant of all time. Her Payless shot? Best. Picture. In. ANTM. History. And I'm an old lady who lives in Ohio and shops the sale rack at Filene's so I clearly know my shit.

I never dug Eva but my God is she gorgeous now. And Jael is looking as good as I've ever seen her. But where is Natasha? : (

[cowheadcase]

Camille looks GREAT

[Courtney]

Ok....Michelle had a baby with Johnny Fairplay? My mind is blown.

[Leanne]

Where was Jade in this? I wanted more "Imagine That's!"

[shelby]

jennifer-

actually, michelle w/ impetigo from cycle 4 also admitted she was bisexual during the season. must be a michelle thing.

[gasp!]

Lesbians can have babies!!? Rich, you consider doing commentary over the entire special. It would be a hoot!

[finding the filth]

i had no idea this was on. so disappointed i missed it. thanks for the recap!

in other news, bianca just did fashion week this morning. she walked for one of the project runway designers. and i could almost swear that jaslene was in the same show, but i'm not 100% sure.

[finding the filth]

word has it that danielle was also in project runway's fashion show this morning. same designer as the top model girls.

- I realize how much I miss Anchal.
- Tocarra smacking her hands together to emulate Eva and Anne bumping vaginas is perhaps the greatest thing ever. Hell, Tocarra herself may be the greatest thing ever.
- Dionne is gorgeous!
- Heather is gorgeous! Even with terrible makeup!
- God don't like ugly! I'm glad we cleared that up.
- I'm watching Make Me a Supermodel because Tyson Beckford takes his clothes off.
- God, I forgot how much I hate Monique.

[I'm just sayin'...]

Jaslene and Bianca both walked in the Project Runway fashion show

http://www.gettyimages.com/Search/Search.aspx?contractUrl=1&language=en-US&family=editorial&p=project%20runway%204&src=standard#

[lori]

I saw Jael at the pizza place on Bedford Ave. She was looking ahead in the mirror when she ordered and yes, she was wearing that hat.

[Kate]

Oh my word, what in the hell did they do to my Heather? That was ridiculous and insulting to my eyes.

[MmSM]

HOw the fuck did I miss this!

[Kiraa]

I liked that episode! I was glad to see Dionne looking so good. Some of those girls are BUSTED though. I can't wait for the new season.