Cream of the Top

The homoeroticism! The impetigo! The snaggle tooth! The princess of the throne! The shrub named Cousin It! The bitch who poured beer on Tiffany's weave! It was all repackaged and broadcast last night in the space-filler special Top Model Exposed. Despite being recently accused of "worshiping" the show, I don't think that the case could be made that I'm anything but (lovingly!) critical of it. However, one thing that I'll never have anything but admiration for is the editing, which is superb not just for reality TV, but TV period. It is, to put it ANTMly, as tight as Nigel's ass. Because of this, TME was thoroughly watchable, as it organized major themes from various cycles (semi-finals drama, phone drama, hair drama, drama drama, etc.) and featured past contestants discussing them (because, let's face it: what else do these girls have to do but relive their reality TV glory?). The only segments that the show was missing were spots on the black bitches of ANTM history and a roundup of ailments. But that could still be on the way: part 2 of this thing airs next week. Whoo-hoo.

If you missed it, this clip is a great indication of how the show worked. In it, various girls talk about Miss J's contribution to the show and their lives. Nothing brings out the fun like some gender confusion!

Oh, but maybe the special's biggest revelation was this shot:

For the first time in years, ANTM has acknowledged Adrianne Curry's participation in the show (albeit for a split second). So she does exist!

After the jump, a quick rundown of what really matters: how everyone looks!

So, here's my take on the past contestants who came back as talking heads, in order from most to least unfortunate:

Ugh! I'm guessing the excessive makeup and completely unflattering hair has something to do with Asperger's. Well, either that or that alien that she brought along to hover just below her shoulder. It tells her to do bad things like arson and applying copious rouge.

Yet another fav of mine, who just couldn't bring it. All I see is Robert Palmer video girl. Remember how she was pleading for representation on the ANTM E! True Hollywood Story a while back? I bet she'd kill for the opportunity to appear in a Robert Palmer comeback video. The lights are on, and oh yes she's home. Waiting. By. The. Phone.

Wait, what cycle did Sharon Stone appear on again?

Oh never mind, it's Jael! I think she's probably wearing that hat to enrich her individuality, but mainly I think it shifts the focus from her crazy. She wins, I win.

Hair Girl really was right to resist Tyra's Mia Farrowing of her. Girlfriend does not need a pixie cut, as she's clearly elfin. Preserve the purity of the elfin race, damn it! Anyway, she looks a hell of a lot better now than she did with that chopped hay sitting on her scalp. Imagine that!

My impulse was to scream about how hot Bianca looks, but upon further inspection: she just looks good  here because she looks good always. Homegirl is breathtaking. I have to take issue with that wig, though -- it looks like an off-center version of Count Duckula's weave.

Love her hair, but I hate that she looks like she's lost weight since the show. Nothing from nothing equals dead! If she keeps losing weight, she's going to be nothing but cheekbones, some freakish Spitting Image version of Mariah Carey.

Here, Dionne isn't so much Wholahay as Whooo! Lotta Hair! She is a lioness and I'm proud!

She's gone from rocking a Pigford Poodle to this current incarnation of a tightly cropped sheep dog, but hey: an upgrade is an upgrade! Also, she's glowing so much, I think she's either pregnant or radioactive.

This shot doesn't exactly do Tocarra's current appearance justice, but I went with it because her sass is palpable even without hearing what she's saying. Sass has so much to do with attractiveness, you have no idea. Here to me, she looks like Pam Grier and a half, which is decidedly less than before, and which brings me to my next point: Tocarra has lost so much weight, but isn't her point that she's big and beautiful? And by point, I mean "...of her pop-culture participation and/or existence"? Whatever, as long as she's got a T-shirt to remind us that she's big and the juggs to stretch it out, it's all good.

(Oh, and her commentary was by far the best. My favorite thing she said was, "Ann and Eva? That was just gay." So true and so concise. Sorry Jade -- Tocarra is ANTM's poet laureate.)

Joanie was never my fav, but god, she looks stunning. Why isn't this girl getting work? Isn't there a Select Dental commercial that needs taping? I can play her husband!

Meanwhile, in other where-are-they-now news from girls that didn't appear on the special, Cycle 3's Kelle relishes her say in this little thing we call democracy, but more disturbingly, has a fuzzy-ass television. Meanwhile, Cycle 4's Michelle has given birth. She says her daughter has "long legs and a sexy butt." I'm not making that up. Based on what I've learned from TV, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she, too, has a mild form of autism.

Comments

[Tracey]

Hi, I am doing a research to find out what are the biggest challenges to you to become a model.

I am more interested into the thinking (mindset), feeling, expectation type challenges.

If you have any comment, can you drop me a line at http://MaxiSurvey.com/topmodels/form.html

[sashafire]

I'm pretty sure this is Bianca showing up in the Project Runway Finale: http://allprojectrunway.blogspot.com/2008/02/chris-march.html

[BayBB]

How sad is it that all the girls look better on the recap show then they looked on the show?

[Kristen]

Bianca looks like she's wearing a Beret

[Nic]

How amazing was Tocarra's hair? And wow. Every time she was on my screen, I loved her even more. Why the fuck didn't she win?

[theo]

Joanie is my all-time favorite ANTM bitch.

The housewife picture with the cocked eyebrow? "Would you like to join me for a martini... and then fuck my brains out?" Brilliant.

She was the sly smiling ying to Bianca's pissy pouting yang.

But Danielle/Joanie in the final two? Best final two they've had.

[winston for president]

Toccara didn't win because her inner flame had been extinguished. Or some bullshit like that.

[Niecy]

okay so why did bianca's wig look crooked? and u mean to tell me her hair hasn't grown back yet? (or maybe she liked being bald? who knows...) and i don't care if i could have won cycle 7 if i was on it, i would beat the dog shit outta monique. that bitch know she was stank.

[George]

Jael is a personal friend of mine (who suddenly has not spoken to me in months! Grr..! Still, nothing but love for her!) and I had no idea this episode was even in the works! I was mad! I am without cable because of a move and I hope hope hope hope hope hope hope HOPE they repeat this in reruns!
As for Jael... she'll be getting an earful from me! LOL!

[tuppy]

"yes it's your fault cause you're fat, bitch." best line ever.

I LOVE YOU JOANIE!

[Ru]

jaslene and bianca modeled for the projrun shows this week:

http://www.mollygood.com/guess-the-designer-20080208/

[mel]

joanie IS getting work. she came to MSU a while back and said that she's making a living modelling. She was in the works with Elite China when she was here. I guess it's just not the HUGE stuff. She said she had at least 3-4 shows she was in at LA Fashion Week. She went to a casting for Heatherette too but didn't get cast.

[chibi]

hey just to let anyone who cares know...biyanka walked in chris march's collection for project runway. this isn't a spoiler...all 5 collections went out at fashion week. funny!

and jaslene in jillian's collection

[Reese]

Dani(elle) walked for Chris March's collection as well. So Chris had two ANTM'ers. Impressive sort of. :)

[Tanith]

OFF TOPIC ALERT:

THANK YOU, Rich, for standing up for The Crock of Chris as "your hero." I just read the most hateful things on Gawker ABOUT the hateful comments on Youtube. Very little daylight between the responses, in the end. Yikes. Psychos should get off the interweb and go back to church.

[EasterBuffy]

Hey Chibi and Reese,

Thanks for finally identifying which Project Runway shows the ANTM divas walked in. I really liked the dresses that Chris came up with, especially Bianca's, and Jillian's couture frock was fabulous as well. So looking forward to the PR finale! Hoping Chris got in the finale and, if he didn't, still glad to see two of the dresses got some press. Again, thanks for identifying.

Cycle 10? Bring it on.

[Annie]

Rich, you'd be a perfect Select Dental fake hubby.

Am I the only one who thought Toccara seemed totally desperate the whole time? She looked great but I just kept getting a "please don't let this be the last time i get to comment on TV" subtext. Probably should have been more stoned.

[Reese]

Annie, isn't Tocarra like a permanent host on BET? Doesn't she have her on show on the network? If that's the case, then I don't think she's as desperate as you think. ;)

[faith]

arrrrrrrrrggggggggg

i missed it....re-air? anyone?

[SKRII]

Ick, Bianca is still fugly! Even worse with that wierd wig of fury eating her head. (I think it resembles a black Pacman, upside down on her head.) But definitely no worse than PUG-fugly Jaslene. She STILL looks horrific. What PR designer picked her to model their clothes?

Are they talking to her in the next TME I wonder? Maybe she and Naima could wage war in a battle for the title of fugliest Top Model! Unfortunately this means we will be forced to endure her desperate attemtps to speak in that thick, I-have-too-much-saliva-in-my-mouth-voice.

Danielle, (or Dani as she prefers to be called now, what a joke) looks great, if a little starved and joyless. How did these girls get decent gigs in Fashion Week. Is Tyra finally pulling some strings to get these girls real work and convince us that there is an advantage to being the winner of ANTM now?

AND OMG, so we heard from Cassandra, and she did NOT inform us of any delusions about being the next Miss USA in the near future. It doesn't seem to matter what hair she has, she still looks possessed. The long brown hair certainly doesn't do her any favors though. She's a far cry from winning anything with this hairstyle and she looks even more like someone who would club you to death with her high heels if given half the chance.

[scamps]

"Ugh! I'm guessing the excessive makeup and completely unflattering hair has something to do with Asperger's."

How the fuck did I know that there was going to be an AS joke somewhere?

My friend would not shut up about her, assuming that I would be interested because I have Asperger's myself. I still couldn't care less about the show. I have little faith in a reality show accurately displaying a highly-misunderstood disorder, anyways.

[Genesis]

the select dental is bascally a new york thing. oh geez, i always laugh at the "huband".

[darlingjulie]

love the select dental reference

[Mardi]

I think only the NYC-ers get that Select Dental comment, but that was PERFECT. Spot on. She's gorgeous, could totally represent them, and needs a gay man by her side to pose as her husband. But you don't have much of a lisp, Rich - I think that's required to "act" the husband in those commercials.