Belly flop

That's, like, tragically symbolic, no?

(Also: giving yourself whiplash? What kinda hillbilly shit is that?)

33. Dominique

The tears are so few and far between this cycle that I'm reduced to counting Dominique's joyful hand-flapping over a Seventeen shoot as a good indicator of crying (she's flapping to dry the tears, right?). Yeah. That's where I'm at.

34. Katarzyna

She gets remade over and, finally, tears pour because of newly shortened hair. At last, this cycle has what it's been missing. Mike Rosenthal...

...I'll no longer be needing your cuddling services. Thanks for showing up, though, man.

35. Anyway

At last, a girl cries over another's departure. At least, I think that's what's happening. For all I know, Anyway could be giving herself a paper cut and crying because she doesn't know how to stop the pain. I would not be shocked to find out that homegirl doesn't have a grasp on grasping.

36. Claire

Earlier in the episode, Claire said, "The longer that I stay here, the more I get out of it. And the more that I get out of this competition, the less guilty I will feel for abandoning my baby at home." Which means she probably feels shitty right now. And not even regular shitty, but, like, breast-milk shitty. Wet, like.

But OMG, can you believe that she was eliminated? I so thought she was going to win! I love that this is anyone's game now! I love that there are at least three super-strong competitors (Anyway, Whitney and Lauren, in my estimation) and many others nipping at their heels. OMG, do you think this'll be the cycle a plus-size girl takes it? OMG! OMG! What a prospect. What a cycle. What a woman...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

and

I made these, 'cause, duh, that's what I do. But during the process this week, a greater point struck me: do you think that Tyra chooses the photo-shoot themes to maximize the mugging opportunities that will arise as she retroactively advises the girls in panel? I do.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Are you ready to see your best (vocalizes wordlessly)?"

You know, I can't blame her for wanting to change things up every once in a while and using another means to convey a word that's usually repeated ad nauseam on this show. I love that her wordless vocalizing sounds like something from The Little Mermaid, mostly because it gives me the excuse to refer to her in my head as "Scariel."

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Who would have thought that Claire and Lauren would be standing in front of me?"

Uh, anyone with a quarter of a brain and a vague notion of constructed drama would have thought that. You know? Who else would have thought that? Well, she would have, obviously, moments prior to this when she made the decision in panel to put them there. She acts like landing in the Bottom 2 is an act of god or something. Although as these decisions are in her hands, I suppose that's the point.

And now, the moment I've been waiting for since Wednesday's episode aired:

1.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fucking fuck toothless fucking fuck?

Toothless? Fuck. Oh my god. Fuck. Toothless. Toothless. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuuuuuuck.

Here's what I have to say about this Winehousery:

For real. She's a fucking model. Or an aspiring model. Or a reality TV character. Whatever. The point is: where is her tooth? And what's next? Finding out she has excessive visible genital warts?

"Oooh, Dominique I'm scared of that! Ooh! If that top rises any more..." said Tyra on Dom's waaaay too revealing outfit at judging. I get the distinct impression that Tyra doesn't want to see her warty bits, either.

I'd like to check in with Stacy Ann to get her take on all of this, especially the potential state of Dom's vag.

Thanks, Stacy Ann. Your opinion is valued.

2.  Every week, I fall a little bit more in love with Lauren. This week, I swooned when she served Fatima coffee accompanied by three gorgeous words: "Choke on it!"

For someone into zombie movies who classifies herself as "pretty laid back," she's pretty high-strung, no? Whatever. At least she isn't, like, chewing on people. I wish that she would write a how-to guide on dealing with fellow reality models.

 

Tips would include:

• Instead of using an automatic coffee maker, why not take out your aggression on a French press? Punish that plunger, girl!
• Related: if that doesn't work, try taking out your frustration on a teapot. If none is available, divert your ire to a girl who poses as one.

• Account for nearsightedness: get as close to possible to whomever you are flipping the bird.

• Point. Hard.

• Instead of the familiar "you're," use the infinitely more familiar "yuh." Suggested use: "Yuh fuckin' lucky. You realize that? Yuh fuckin' lucky." This way people will know you're from Brooklyn. (You may, however, skip this step if, in fact, you are on a reality show that allows you to repeatedly report on your hometown in interview segments.)
• No matter how messy you get, you can easily reclaim classiness by drinking coffee out of a wine glass.

• Don't be afraid to show off your softer side by sniffing like the bunny that you are, deep down inside.

Stacy Ann, whadda yuh think? Would you so buy that book?

I'll come back to her. (Shh! I think she has trouble with her reading.)

3. But really, even if I'd fear for my life were she my barista at Starbucks (she just seems like the over-over roasting type, you know?), I do love Lauren. Her imitation of Anyway was amazing for two reasons.

1. If you listen to it looped a few times, it becomes song-like. And she says she doesn't know from pop music!
2. It seems to envision Anyway as Animal from the Muppets, which is perfect in every way, but especially the eyebrows.

For real, if Anyway could get some Animal action going on to replace the translucent shits she has above her eyes, she'd have this competition in the bag.

Similarly, Lauren's imitation of Claire's celebratory jumping jack at last panel...

...was even more joyous of a happening:

Again, Lauren's description is musical. And double again: it only gets better on repeat.

And the final point of Lauren's awesomeness that I'd like to present is the fact that this still from her shot this week looked the midpoint between a lioness and Fergie.

Mostly, I'm just thrilled that as a result of this, the term "Fergielion" popped into my head. So thanks, babe.

What say you Stacy Ann?

"Bluh bluh bluh bluh." My thoughts exactly! I like your style!

4. But the best thing about this very From the Choirgirl Hotel photo shoot?

Whitney's boob smoosh. Put 'em on the Saran Wrap, girl! I'm so glad that she didn't have any incident with the plastic, being that she weighs more than 60 lbs.

God, you know, go-see time is always when the plight of the plus-sized is really emphasized, thanks to assholes like Pamella de Vos:

"Don't wiggle so much!" Bitch, you know you mean "jiggle," and you also know that that's impossible! But this was the worst: "I think you have a gorgeous face!" OK, as a loaded cliche that only serves to suggest that the cashmere is being pulled over our eyes. It's the new "My best friend is black."

Your reaction Stacy Ann?

That's what I'm saying! I cannot believe that people actually still say stuff like that, when everyone knows it's veiled bullshit.

5. Do you really think that Anyway was practicing for the photo shoot here?

I don't. I think she was practicing because her ultimate goal is to become a butterfly, whether or not the modeling thing works out. Hey, the girl thinks ahead!

Stacy Ann?

"Oh my god, that is such an amazing phone! I need one of those because I'm always getting lost."

I know that, babe, but that's not a phone. It's an Anya, and she's just as magical as a phone, but sans the buttons. Sadly enough!

6. How much did Dominique's shot this week remind you of the mylar cover of Madonna's Sex?

Now that's two similarities to Madonna that I've spotted. I am so not looking forward to the masturbation scene.

Oh, and how much did Dominique's musings make you want to stab yourself? She's no Jade and I have no idea whether she'll be around long enough or consistently idiotic to make this a viable regular feature, but for this week, let's do a brief round of...

• "I look forward to, like, more shoots like that. That aren't easy to do. It just makes you more marketable to have something like that in your book. Or to even see that you can do something like that."

All right, Tyra Wanks, thanks for the lesson! I forgot that you knew it all and were just doing this show for, like, extra-credit. And masochism.

• "So the girl that didn't pull this off...is definitely gonna be the girl that goes home."

OMG, that's how it works? I never put it together that the girl with the weakest shoot typically goes home! And all it took to teach me was a dramatic pause.

• "I'm not gonna let Whitney feel like I'm bothered by her. I'm gonna be the bigger person."

Don't you just love how the "I'm the bigger person" declaration tends to pop up when people compare themselves to the plus-sized girl? It's like, uh, no you're not. By definition.

Oh, and someone recently wrote me to ask if I saw any similarity between Dom and Jerri Blank, and uh...

...now I do!

Stacy Ann, are you digging the feature?

Yeah, well whatever. I'm not digging your feature either.

7. I don't know why, but when I saw this shot of Claire and Dominique...

...it looked to me like they might meld together in some Fly-esque sci-fi plot twist. So I saw to it:

So. HOT. I think that's what the elusive Zob looks like. And that begins and end this week's Pretty Party.

(Like how I snuck it in on your ass?)

(Also, if you don't know Zob, look here and learn.)

Stacy Ann?

I know, right? I'm thrilled to finally see Zob, too.

8. I think you should know that Mr. Jay had cameltoe while running on that treadmill.

 

Seriously:

I'd wonder why, but I think I'm better off not knowing.

Stacy Ann?

Uh, an eyeball is not the kind of ball that I'm talking about. But nice try!

9. I don't know why, but Claire's hair here...

...reminds me so much of a hairy muffin.

By the way, when I was searching for "muffin top," amongst the images of flesh spilling over dungarees, I found this:

This is the work of Pamella de Vos, if I've ever seen it! (And, actually, I haven't.)

10. Paulina's getting better!

"Eastern European tackiness," "Frankensteiny," calling out that Elite lady's square-jaw phobia and ribbing Nigel for his Fatima hate were all major signs of improvement. Keep it up, girl! Keep twisting that face up...

...if it ends up staying that way, you'll earn a free pass to my heart.

11. In this week's Tyraisms, I didn't highlight the fact that Tyra still cannot pronounce "Katarzyna" or the following, but I thought you might want it for your ringtoning needs:

"H₂ oh no you didn't, girl!"

Ya like that one, Stacy Ann?

"Yeah, it was really crazy."

Awesome. Make sure you load it onto your Anya.

12. Stacy Ann, you've been such a wonderful co-commentator. To close, would you mind dancing like Grover for me?

Aw, you're the best figment of my imagination based on a real person whose humanity has been distilled by editing and the general constraints of television that I could ever ask for. For real, though!

Comments

[Rissa]

HUUUUZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAH!!!!

[S1814]

First

[MsKit2u]

I couldn't believe Claire was voted off the Island. I totally thought she would win!

Rich - this post was a little bland-o-rama. You feeling okay?

(Loved the Winston post though.)

:D

[James]

Love the Stacy-Ann .gifs.

And Dominique wishes she looked as young and fierce as Jerri Blank.

[Tiffani]

OMG this was adorable. Especially all of the Muppets references. I think I'm going to have that Animal voice stuck in my head all day.

Rich I hope you know how much all of us appreciate you. You bring so much happiness and laughter into my life. <3

[Joey]

AMAZING

Wasn't Samantha missing a tooth in Cycle 8? I think Ms. J said she could stick a butter bean up there to fill the gap.

[Sophia]

great post!
The Lauren how-to guide was my favorite (: (:

[Bebop]

"I think she was practicing because her ultimate goal is to become a butterfly, whether or not the modeling thing works out."

I know! I love Anya - she's such a freak. Between her and Stacy Ann, I'm not sure which one is more adorable. Awww.

[jtalia]

thank you for pointing out dominque's t-rex grill!!

love,

[forrestunknown]

Besides Whit and Lauren, I think Kat is now becoming the front darkhorse.

You know Dom is going to make it far and then be eliminated for looking to mature .... but its okay they won't take away her pretty

[Jilly]

This made me so happy.

Which reminds me: in addition to I Know My Kid's A Star, what other shows do you recap for VH1? I can't seem to find who writes which recaps on the website.

[S]

This is the best recap in a LONG time.

<3 <3

[EasterBuffy]

"Who's that Girl and Where are Her Teeth?" Hi-larious. Hey, is Dom getting a trip to the dentist this Cycle? Will we see her in the chair for 12 hours of agony? Will we see her stoicism at the end of it all? Probably not.

I think you missed a great opportunity to tie in the end of cat-fight comment Whitney made to Dominique several episodes back when she snapped, "Where's the Saran Wrap?" Duh, FuerzaBruta had stolen it! Obviously!

OMG! Katarzyna spoke, like, an entire sentence this episode! What is it with this show that I know far more about Stacy Ann at this point than Katarzyna?

It's too bad Lauren let Fatima push her buttons, and not in a good way. It's not looking good for Lauren right now, especially with the self-mutilation coming up (finger chopping off alluded to incident this Wednesday), but, if she shows up at panel and isn't completely deformed, she should make it to the overseas destination.

Thanks for pointing out what a jerk Pamela de Vos was, but why no kudos for Shoshannah's comments as to Whitney's obvious sexiness?

Great post. I think I laughed loudest during this one, but, then again, my boss is in Mexico this week, so he can't hear me from here.

[White Chocolate]

Brilliance! I DID like how you snuck in the pretty party.

[Scott]

Whitney mentions Saran Wrap every episode. Remember her classic "WHERE'S THE SARAN WRAP??" as a closing argument against being called racist (still don't know why she said this). My friends and I all quote that now when we're faux-angry. I think the final runway show SHOULD involve Saran Wrap, once and for all, so that Ms. Whitney can take the big prize.

[John]

Don't even listen to the bland-o-rama comments, ive been waiting since wednesday to see the toofless dominique pics, amazing recap as always, thank you

[Jen]

I was SO hoping you'd talk about the tooth (or lack thereof). So wrong!!

[RD]

I'm so glad I'm not alone in liking Lauren (although I'm afraid she'll kick my ass) and Stacy Ann (because she's precious).

I want more of the Dominique "Wisdom (Hold the Teeth)" segments--it's not "Imagine That!" with Jade but it'll do.

And I thought Zob would be so fierce that she wouldn't look like she had a shenis. I'm disappointed. ;)

[Sarah G]

Isn't it perfect that Hov & B were married on 4/4? The pop universe is colliding into you!

I thought Paulina's use of "Eastern European tackiness" was kind of offensive. Or is Paulina allowed to make that comment because she's Polish and her best friend is Eastern European?

[velocibadgergirl]

Oh, the tooth. Or lack thereof, anyway. As soon as she opened her mouth I thought, "Can't wait to see that on fourfour." Seriously, though. HOW have we never seen this before??

[vleones]

I love how whenever something amusing/interesting/weird/WTF-worthy happens or shows on this show the first thing I think of is "Rich is totally going to say something about that!"

And I was definitely right when it came to Dominique's missing tooth. I wasn't sure if I saw what I saw, but I saw it and damn it was freaky.

[Storm Keas]

Love ya Rich! Thank you for acknowledging the Jeri Blank similarity in Dominique, I knew you'd see the light!

OK kids, it's kat-are-JEN-nuh
not kat-ARE-jen-nuh, really not that difficult, is it? (Ya Know?)

[jasmine]

You think of "Anyway" when thinking of Anya, I think of Annyong.

I am so tired of dominiqe! There is always that one girl every cycle that makes you aak"why?" I guess they are just reminding us not to take this show to seriously.