Frankenstein unbound

"I'm not a CoverGirl! I mean, that's not me," said Lauren on the eve of her dismissal.

I think the above shot is both case and point.

47. Fatima

This shot freaks me out entirely. Fatima looks like she's decomposing (I bet the zombie-loving Lauren is sooooo jealous!). More disturbingly, she's also smiling. Putrefaction is enjoyable! Smiling through tears is for jerks and Hallmark cards, so I'mma make like a back-asswards, Photoshop-armed version of that kangaroo in the Kiddie City commercials and turn that frown right side up.

Ah, so much better. At least now she can decompose the way God intended.

48. Lauren

I don't even know if she was crying for sure. Perhaps her tongue went from sleeping to weeping and the result was a relative emotional swelling. All's I know is that I'm sad that she didn't bite a chunk out of Tyra's shoulder and spit it out while saying, "Yuh!"

But really, I can't believe that there was any emotion at all, since by this episode, Lauren seemed so completely and utterly...

...over it!

But you know who isn't? (Besides me, obviously?)

Tyraism of the Week No. 1 - "The only thing I saw that looked half decent is a mwah, mwah. Everything else was a piece of dookie."

I'm pretty sure that Tyra Banks is the only person on a major network who uses the word "dookie" on something of a regular basis, and that is maybe the No. 1 reason why I love her. I don't tend to use the word "dookie," myself, but I do appreciate when others do. Visceral word, that "dookie." The "oo" sound suggests relief, and I like how that falls into place.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"If you wanna be a model, you gotta know how to be corny sometimes."

I'm so tempted to stop everything, everything, EVERYTHING I'm immediately and generally doing because, clearly, my work here is done.

Except, no it's not. If I didn't persevere, who'd ever say Katarzyna's name right?

1.

Katarzyna: Well, I was thinking it might be time for another lesson of how to say my name. Kuh-tar-zhin-a.
Everyone else: Katarlkadsflkajsjdfaslkjhewrhnbfa.
Katarzyna: There we go!

This poor girl, you know? Always having to teach lessons, going through life being literally misunderstood. That "Z" is so the pronunciation killer. People see it and their eyes cross and they start foaming at the mouth. Seriously. When you have a "Z" in your name, you give people rabies. Take it from someone who knows.

I think instead of lessons, Katarzyna should hand out educational materials. Things like...

...or perhaps...

...or even...

   

And you know people would still be mangling that shit, too. There'd be, like, different scenarios, and Tyra would be all, "Katarhyena! More coffee!" or "I'd like to get my shirts ironed, Katargina" or "Ma'am, I would like to return this Katarshmere sweater."

Because, I was thinking that it's time for a new Katarzyna Megamix. No one can say this girl's name right, except Paulina, which just goes to show that she's WAY TOO NICE. If she really knew a thing about asserting dominance, she'd willfully ignore Katarzyna's corrections and pronounce her name any damn way she wants. I mean, there's a reason why Tyra runs the show and Paulina's just judging it, right?

But then again, I don't know. When enough people can't say your name maybe it's time to pick a new name? I never identify myself via my last name for fear of spreading mood-altering diseases. Maybe "Kat" would be a nice compromise? I'm not saying that it's right, but it might be the way of dealing with this problem. Otherwise Katarduous is setting herself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

I'm glad she said something about it, though. I was ready to start calling her Katarzzzzzzzzz, but when she put those damn judges in their places, I perked right up. And speaking of perky...

...yowzah. Katartata's champagne-coupe-fillers kinda make me uncomfortable.

There, that's...well, you know what? That's not even better. Pasties are kind of like the word "dookie," in that they end up enhancing what they set out to obscure (boobs and the obscenity of shit, respectively). No pastarzynas for Katarzyna ever again, then.

2. Last week, I said that no gif would ever top the one of J doing the Pekingese. Well, give my computer a Trojan and tell me it's a condom, 'cause goddamn it, I was misguided.

I mean, that's just never-ending entertainment. If you could bottle the joy this gif is capable of bringing, I believe we could christen this the first working perpetual-motion machine. The holes in the ozone layer could be repaired by the ones in Anyway's brain.

I love that her response to this was, "Aw great!" Like she didn't want to insult the cobblestones or something! I suppose since Tyra wasn't there to do that deflating trombone, "Wah wah waaaaah" thing she loves so much, "Aw great!" was the next best alternative.

Which brings me to my major point: Anyway is so fucking good natured, I want to throttle her. But affectionately! Count how many times an episode she says, "Thank you so much!" It's so often that it's practically her catchphrase. OMG, a catchphrase that's a pleasantry? How fucking lame is that! So lame it's, like, something that I would do. I mean, Anyway is so fucking polite that when the lecherous porno shop-owner-cum-fashion designer Gui Mattiolo (more on him in a sec!) called her "so blonde," she said, "Thank you!" I mean, I'm not hating: I really appreciate anyone who can be so true to themselves and their kind so concisely.

"Thank you!" after, "You are so blonde," you know? Ha! Hey, Anyway, you have a vagina. "Thanks, man. I really appreciate it!"

She's so polite that she brings her own ethics to reality TV and they're actually...ethical.

"There's no sense in, like, bringing other people down to make yourself feel better." I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, you blonde bundle of appreciation. Now, take some cat whiskers and some (more) proper eyebrows and shut up!

And, like, this shit?

Like, who does that? Who's that fucking courteous? Did she get blessed by the Dhali Lama as a child or something? Was she born on a courtesy desk? Is she the spawn of Elmo?

OMG, that's totally it. She's totally a Muppet.

And so, in sum...

...I give you your probable Next Top Model. As a Sesame Street enthusiast from the second my eyes could focus, I couldn't be happier at the probability. I can't wait to see her turn into a superhero next week.

A pretty, strong-woman puppet? It's almost too much for me to take.

3. This week, a reader named Serge emailed me with a theory that I'm so fucking jealous of: "Whitney = Blair from The Facts Of Life." I think it's safe to say that Serge just had another one of his brilliant ideas, as this is spot on. I mean, I don't think I have to even do a side-by-side to show you how Warnerian Whitney is:

I mean, watch this:

Hey, Whitney - your cousin has C.P., and you're totally jealous!

Hey, Whitney - Mrs. Garrett fucked Mr. Drummond and the ensuing awkwardness is what made her decide to start at Eastland!

Hey, Whitney - foie gras!

Hey, Whitney - your post-Facts existence will involve Bible-thumping and child-spanking advocacy!

Indeed. You gotta look good when you do that shit. Also, if that really were the case, then Jay Manuel's bitch-a-rina accusation would make a lot of sense.

What is a bitch-a-rina, by the way? A ballerina who's skipped a few meals? A bitch who eats beef-a-roni? I don't know, but I think that if it involves the plus-sized girl, it probably involves food.

4. The first Whitney gif above was her response to possible pornographer/probable groper Gui Mattiolo's assertion that, "You have great, great beautiful face." What a tool.

Also, my accusations of molestation are based solely on his appearance, and I know that that's so wrong, but, ugh. He's such a lech!

And then he told the girls to sit and spin and that was sooooo not cool, you guys.

Also? "She know how to present a dress, but she doesn't look fresh," he said about Dominique. Hello? What is not fresh about this?

I mean, for Christ's sake, she's missing a tooth! She's as fresh as a toddler!

Not gonna lie: I kind of want to make that into a poster.

5. Here's another shot of freshness:

Model?

(You're welcome.)

6. This Tyra Mail was cute...

...but I wish they would have Photoshopped Tyra's face onto something a little more appropriate. This would have been my choice:

7. This...

...is like some phone-sex ad for type-loving narcoleptics: Blonde girls, ooh. Black girlzzzzzzzz...

8. And this...

...looks like the promo art for a new Broadway show called The Queer Couple, starring Nathan Lane and Jay Manuel. The premise is that one's gay, and the other's gayer.

9. You know what I'm doing to miss the most about Lauren?

That cross-eyed, cat-nippy look she got in her eyes whenever she was made to walk. I wonder if she was somehow tapping into natural endorphins to cope with the pain of elegance?

I also wonder if she somehow got confused and thought her weave was going to become a basket.

It was getting all clumpy and...basket-like. I don't know. I'm sure a few more episodes and she could have safely kept things in that shit. I'm sure they would have fallen out on account of her perma-lurch. And I'm sure we missed out on great entertainment. Sigh.

Also?

She actually made that face during the commercial. She found it within herself to become part Claymation for a few mortifying nanoseconds. I feel as though this is an achievement.

10. What a commercial, right? I think Anyway summed it up best when she said, "You have to walk and use lipstick at the same time...and so it's a really hard challenge."

This is why I love reality TV. You can't make this shit up and if you could, it could only sound convincing coming from a Muppet woman.

11. And that brings me to this week's Pretty Party, which is a countdown of my Top 5 favorite facial expressions of Dominique during her Italian CoverGirl commercial, praised even by panel for its camp appeal. Here we go:

No. 5

No. 4

No. 3

No. 2

No. 1

And one reaction shot from the increasingly endearing Paulina...

...ends this week's Pretty Party.

There's only one thing left to say (consider it the moral of our story, if you will):

"Brazilia!"

Comments

[Angela]

OMG First....love you Rich

[Angela]

ps. Go ANYWAY you rule. Also does anyone have away of reaching through the TV and telling Whitney to take at least one picture with her mouth closed. Although the blowjob faces are priceless!

[jezebelly]

It irks the MESS out of me that nobody says Kartarzyna correctly. I hope she wins so that she can scream, "I am America's Next Top Model! ME! "Ka-tar-ZHEEEEEEEEEEEENA! Get it right, bitches!"

[Catsnstuff]

I've always been an avid lover of animated gifs, but you make it into an art. An art I tell yezzzz!

[mollie]

"Brazilia!" was the highlight of this episode for me, too! I think it was Dominique for "bellezza."

i am sick today and your post has make my day, bravo!

[Amanda]

Did anyone else notice that Dominique's face was like ten shades whiter than the rest of her face during the commercial shoot?

[Homophile]

You have really, truly outdone yourself with this one. I can't stop laughing.

[Bebop]

Whitney! I know she won't make it all the way, but damn I love that bitcherina. I could watch that gif of Anyway doing the face plant all day. Thanks Rich!

[Scarion]

This was one of those episodes where I was anticipating Rich's reactions. Especially to Anya's face-plant. Priceless hilarity. And Rich's gif is golden. Thank you and bless you for your own hilarity, rich.

[Karen]

Dominique's commerical totally reminded me of Pink Flamingos when Divine eats the poo.

[Jess]

Can't stop watching Anyway falling down...it's hypnotic!

[Nikita Tinypaws]

Did anyone else notice how HORRIBLE their makeup was for the commercial? Fatima looked purple and Dominique looked gray. Covergirl is so bad even professionals can't get it to look good.

[M]

Loved this recap! "Rock out with your tooth out" is my new motto. By the way, did you notice that Dominique bears an uncanny resemblance to the Grinch in the shot right above the "Rock out" one?

[Lea]

Still reading, but I just had to interject that during the whole Katarzyna thing. I said why doesn't she just go by Kat.

[johan]

ooh, i wish you had included the Tyraism of my life: as Tyra says "Thanks Katarzyna" or whatever, and pronounces it wrong, K-zyna says "Who?" and Tyra's like "whatever bitch this show is about me not you, go away."

Also the muppet trick is keeping the eyes still and moving the bottom part. You're reversed!

[kia]

Based on Lauren's body language I'm guessing her Italian translated said: The Kidnappers say you must put a plain paper bag full of money in the trash can outside of the Piazza di Spagna at exactly 12 o'clock...

[DIG]

Why did Fatima look gray in her commercial and Dominique's foundation also did not match. Guess Rome don't know how to make- up the coloreds on board.

[Steven]

Why DID she say "BRAZILIIA!" anyway? I mean, I didn't hear it in anyone else's commercial...

[anna c.]

I now officially refuse to buy any Cover Girl make-up after seeing what they did to Dominique's face!

[Gillian]

I'm sad that that Sarah Polley look-alike had to go. Also, you know if Katarzniyaia wins, she'll be known as Kat when she does her "My Life as a Cover Girl" spots. Obvs. But Anyway will win, so whatever.

[Noel]

I really was expecting Dominique to twirl around and say "that felt fabulous!" I feel like she is becoming Jade more and more and soon we'll see her in the top 3 as well.

[Individually Wrapped Slices]

I'm so happy right now I could cry. But I won't because it'll run my mascara. :) I'm so not model, I suppose.

Rich, my maiden name has a "z" in it and I feel your pain. I had to school everyone I met about the pronounciation. I got to the point where if they were close I just accepted it and thought "eh"...

Anywho, thanks for always making my Mondays worth waking up for. :)

[Maybelline Jones]

I think that the best part of this episode is that we no longer have to deal with the models reading each Tyra-mail in unison. I was about to stick something sharp in each of my ears if I had to deal with that scrolling screen they had at the NYC space.

A-men!

[hoolababy]

Best one in a while rich! thx :)