Jawline flatline

On her final episode, Stacy Ann didn't chomp her gum furiously or make dolphin sounds or exhibit any signs of undercover whoriness. It was as though she was already eliminated inside!

The weirdest thing she did was get all up on the confessional camera.

Perhaps she mistook it for a Breathalyzer after also mistaking Anyway for a Gobot (Anyway is soooo Scooter, no?). Perhaps she just wanted to scare the shit out of us (because for real, homegirl could be weird in the face). In fact, I think it must be the latter, and the gif below illustrates what you might see as you descend to hell, starting with Stacy Ann's close-up.

Perhaps we are already there. And that concludes this week's Pretty Party. 

Ah, pretty partying is such sweet sorrow.

37. Fatima

Blahblahblah. Travels document. Blahblahblah.

38. Fatima

Hey, Fatima. You missed a spot.

(I love how it looks like she's actually listening and considering my note.)

39. Fatima

I know bureaucracy sucks, but crying over it is like crying over machine-squeezed, pasteurized, packaged, distributed and taxed milk. You know?

40. Fatima

Left cheek: tear or excess skin? You decide. (Clearly, I already have.)

41. Stacy Ann

If the wind merely blowing affected Stacy Ann this much, imagine how she would have reacted if she heard all the shit the wind was talking about her party etiquette! Easy, breezy, cunty.

42. Fatima

Note: when you are wiping away a tear, try not to take half of your face with it. Especially if said face is your meal ticket. Or even your reality TV ticket.

43. Stacy Ann

She looks like a Claymation rendering of Patti LaBelle in this shot. I bet Tyra's feeling really stupid for letting her go.

44. Fatima

This is how it looks when you find out the "s" in "travels document" is superfluous.

45. Stacy Ann

God. Shouldn't she be gone already?

46. Stacy Ann

Nothing like ending on a high note!

Because Tyra was such a raving bitch this week...

...instead of ticking off Tyraisms, I'm going tick off bitchy things that she did. It's very much the same thing, but the result is a checklist that you can use as a guide any time you feel that you're being needlessly civil. Impress your in-laws!

Bitches sway.

And it pleases them so.

Bitches note others' lack of gorgeousness.

To their face. Example: "Fatima, the girls are all gorgeous and dolled-up. But you're not."

Bitches mock the way others walk.

Accuracy is unimportant as long as it gets a laugh from an employee.

Bitches mock the way others talk.

...and are shocked when others don't join in the fun. Example: "I thought that you weren't gonna do that well in this challenge because of the way you speak, it's like this, and I thought people would be like, "What is...? That's such a weird accent."

(Although to be fair, sometimes when I look at Anyway, the first thing to pop in my head is...

...What is...?)

Bitches denote their own importance by referring to the "history" of their "creation."

...and also by encouraging pride in those with even a nominal place in said history.

Similarly, bitches teach "lessons in responsibility" by threatening one's standing in said history.

Bitches give blowjob faces.

But not blowjobs.

Bitches will cut you.

...with their fingers turned in to ensure their own safety.

Bitches say, "I'm all that and you're not." And even if they're making a greater point, and don't really mean it given the context...they still mean it.

Bitches will taunt you with travel.

Bitchy bitches will taunt you with private travel.

And you know how a bitch has gotten through? When said taunting is met with a, "Thank you so much!"

Is Anyway in it to win it, or what, by the way? Please, Tyra, may she have another? (...as well as a seven-page spread in Seventeen and a modeling contract with Elite?)

1. I would like to start by saying that no gif I ever have or ever will make will top this gif:

I'm thinking I should just pack it in and shut down this blog now, while everything's still beautiful and underbitey.

But for real, let this set the tone for what's bound to be a breezy-ass recap. This is gonna be more random-observation based than extended and insightful. I know, a reality show recap that's lacking insight? It doesn't make sense! It's like joining a modeling competition...

2.

...and complaining about your disadvantage as a plus-sized model. Repeatedly. That'd be like me attending a Klan rally and complaining about my gag reflex.

Oh, and not to do too much probing into what could very well be some sort of body-dysmorphic/self-image issue, but Whitney whines about being plus-sized and then merely calks up her plus-sizedness to "breasts and a butt." She acts like she is a KFC combo away from supermodel svelte, when in actuality, it's more like a couple of buckets. Just. Saying.

3. More adventures in Anyway's willful subordination:

When Tyra barked, "Where's Fatima?" Anyway responded, "We don't know!" We all knew - she was just too afraid to upset Tyra more. You know, for some people, all it takes is the utterance of the word "consulate" and then they snap. Anyway's really sensitive to Tyra's triggers.

I love that Anyway's modeling prize often involves her taking off her clothes...

...and I love that she loves it!

Even more than that, I love that when Anyway was given the basket of lemons and limes...

...she had to be told to dig through it for her real prize.

Because you know that by the time she would have gotten to the bottom, the check would no longer be valid. She'd be all, "But I thought my prize was the beautiful limes and lay-mones! I've been eating them as meals for the past year!"

But you know what I love the most? Anyway is capable of producing the...

...$10,000 blowjobface. Who else can lay that claim? Maybe there's a reason why she's always naked...

4. If you can tear your eyes away from Whitney's castrating teeth-baring (because every face is a blowjobface, damn it!), you'll see that Nigel is wearing piles of makeup.

I know I go on about his makeup, but Jesus! He looks like Klaus Nomi.

In fact, I think those lips make more sense on him than his real ones.

5. And speaking of that party, I just want to point out this sequence that was composed of four rapid fire shots of just a few frames a piece:

As though they didn't say "7Up" about 5,000 times (that's the real secret word of the day), and as though there wasn't enough lemon and lime imagery in this episode (digging through a basket full of them...twice?) that underneath my fingernails smelled citriusy for days after viewing, they had to throw that shot of the cans in, right? You know a show is absurd when it can make the subliminal seem excessive. (I mean, we knew it was absurd much earlier, so now I guess we can just feel really proud of ourselves?)

6. And speaking of excessive...

...nine seconds (nine!) after Lauren cut herself, they flashed back to it...

Nine! This show is treating us like we have the mental capacity of models. Nine seconds! What's next? Is Tyra going to come into my house and sneer at me as she cuts up my Metrocard? "Have fun on your commercial walk!" And then I'd weep because my walk is high-fashion, not commercial, damn it!

Oh, and it flashed back again about six minutes after the initial incident. Just in case you'd forgotten. Not that I'd blame you if you did, since it was such a non-issue.

Lauren was so meh about it. I'm sure that living through it made her feel more like a zombie or whatever.

She emerged from the hospital new, improved and now fortified with a little bit of death.

In fact, the best thing to come out of it was that we saw that Stacy Ann was doing caught doing this when the yelling began...

Fun fact: that's the exact position she had to get in to fit into her suitcase to go home. See? Told you she was already eliminated inside.

But the whole ordeal was hot. Lauren's a tough chick.

The Insider lady was so bent out of shape for this, but duh, she's in tabloid TV: the truth is not her trade.

7. Jaslene is now Vulcan, I guess?

I didn't even have to Photoshop that or anything. She seriously is the gift that keeps on giving.

8. And speaking of past winners...

Saleisha's hair is about one and a half times as wide as her head is long.

Just thought you might want to know that.

9. All right, about all the fun has been zapped from Dominique. I really think this girl has problems.

"Hello, uh, Paulina? My name is Dominique. And your name?" I feel like the show's fucking with us again. it actually wants us to believe that someone as clueless verbally and facially as Dominique actually exists. She couldn't possibly! If you buy that one, I have a rack of Jay Giorgio originals that I'm trying to get rid of.

But you know what the worst thing about it is?

We're being told not to like her in the Farmer Wants a Wife promos, which seemingly randomly suggest that if we love to hate Dom, we'll really love to hate the slovenly Josie.

Thing is? I don't need any ANTM association to love Josie.

Her appeal strikes me as inherent.

I feel so...manipulated. You control my mind, ANTM, but you'll never get my heart!

10. But nothing Dominique said could possibly top Fatima's modelism of the week:

"No, you know how it is being in this competition. Like, the last thing you want to worry about is anything else but this competition." I can't decide if this is stupid enough to wrap back around into poetry. Maybe! Also, this is so convoluted that I can't even parse it out enough to diagram its exact idiocy. It's like the opening line of "Two of Hearts": "I never said I wasn't gonna tell nobody." Too hard to wrap your head around! I feel like it requires both sides of my brain to cooperate and my corpus callosum has been severed in a tribal ritual.

11. I love the rare instances when Tyra hits herself.

But I kind of wish this show were more like Evil Dead.

Or perhaps Pong.

The end.

Comments

[meme]

Thank you!!!

[Jess]

The thing I didn't understand with Fatima's whole "travel document" thing, is she said she has a green card. A green card IS a travel document. Once issued a green card, you no longer need special permission to re-enter the country...unless she lost it. Or lost her passport. In either case, it shows what a twit she is.

[Angela]

Thank you. I can move on with my week now. You have ruined ANTM for me btw. Now I only enjoy your recaps, and watch the show just to see what is coming up on FourFour.

[Andrea]

holy crap. . . you've referenced Fulci, Russ Meyers, and NOW Klaus Nomi on this blog (not to mention Evil Dead in the same recap)? Have you wormed your way into my brain?

[chris]

Always awesome!

Now about that gag reflex...

[Eebs]

Limes or Laymones? Classic.

[the beeper queen]

i cannot decide which image is scarier in that first gif . . . wait, that's a lie, it's totally dominique

[Vicki]

That first gif was both horrifying and mesmerizing. Is that Winston buried in there?

[LisaL]

Uuuuughhhhhh.... Dominque just won't die!!! I don't know how they think she's going to be good enough to be on ANY mag cover that doesn't cater to trannies or women over 50!
I know they're only keeping her for ratings but damn.. I'm going to cheer like there is no tomorrow when she's gone.

[lulz]

i love you, rich.

regarding fatima's "travels documents" i have a feeling this was really a visa issue to leave the country and she applied for it when she was accepted into the house. this only would've been weeks beforehand and with the government taking fucking forever to anything like passports for our own citizens, i'm not surprised that her visa would be arranged in time. however, the ANTM producers are smart enough to realize that a.) it would take too long to get models to understand the visa process and just called it a "green card issue" and b.) it causes more drama if it looks like a happenstance thing all of a sudden. i mean, why and how else would the antm producers be able to keep the "abroad location" a secret if fatima had to know what country to get a visa for?
either way, tyra's still a cunt.

[Vanessa]

Stacy Q. Ahhh my love for you keeps growing. When we're together we're like hot coals in a fire. Hot baby!

Tyra will never be mistaken for a caring soul but does she seem especially nasty this cycle? Despite that, I do think-unless my memory is failing me as a result of corroding my brain for the last 9 cycles-that 7Up ad is one of the best prizes they ever gave away. And mock Anyway as much as you will, she looked FABULOUS in that picture.

Finally, thank you for commenting on the Jay Giorgio dress. Jade lives again. Happiness.

[nycmami]

I watch this shit on Youtube and I just fast forwarded all of the Fatima bullshit. Who gave a fuck? Plus the tears make her skin look all ashy and shit. Take care of your business Fatima.

[Matt]

I'm pretty sure that the first gif will haunt my dreams forever. Thanks for that. :p

[Daniel]

Claymation Patti? $10,000 blowjobface? You're killing me Rich.

And that first gif: Who/what is that after black-hole Winston? It looks like a Skeksie from The Dark Crystal.

[jenn]

Kudos on the Stacy Q reference, kudos.

You are the Tootie to my Cinnamon, Rich.

[scorzi]

Saleisha now looks like a used version of Tia and Tamara Mowry from Sister, Sister.

[Dara]

Nigel+lips= funniest fooking thing, ever.

I love you and your gag/gif reflex.

[Washington Cube]

I don't know for certain when I truly lost it, but I think it was around "Klaus Nomi." You just give, and give and GIVE...don't you?

[Zoe]

I just wanted to say that I thought this week's photo shoot was actually kind of cute and/or classy. But I guess that's the reason you didn't comment much on it--no dizzying insanity levels to become mesmerized by.

[Amber]

Anyway's becoming the one to beat, huh? I thought I would hate her at first and now I find her oddly endearing. And I thought I would be down with Fats at first and now I wish she would robocop-walk out of my life forever. If there's one thing I hate its a girl who's a bitch AND a dumbass.

[Becky]

Tyra was a super-bitchy-bitch this week! And personally, the $10,000 would be the best prize yet... but there have been substantially valued jewelery prizes in the past. (Mikimoto pearls, some diamonds, etc.)

[Donna]

HAHA! Love the Nigel/lips!

[summer]

why did mr. jay say that fatima was just now bringing up the "travels document" issue? obviously not, since the show's producer has been in talks with fatima's lawyer already. that puzzled me.

[RD]

I'm the only person that likes Fatima now despite her intelligence? :(

[milkyaqua]

Thanks for the recap Rich.

The travel document drama was bullshit. Sure the producers including Tyra had no clue about Fats' travel docs problem during the entire interview/vetting process before she even got into the house because you know, it's actually on the application to be on the show. No manipulation there.

Buhbye Stacy Ann. You overstayed your welcome. Whitney is getting the pageant/bitchy edit meaning she may not win after all. Anya who has smelled like runner-up, is now looking like a winner. Poor Kat apparently didn't laugh at one of Nigel's jokes and is now on his list as well as Tyra's. I don't have HD but Fats skin looks horrible on analog.

Can't wait for the self-destruction that will probably be Lauren speaking Italian in CG commercial. Good times.