Fat ass, consider yourself kissed

L&G, one more time for America's Next Top...

...Snob!

So, I honestly had no idea that a little bit of pithy hearsay that I posted last week regarding Whitney's win would blow up so much that it doubled the previous one-day traffic record in the history. Of. four. four. Insane. And it makes me feel kinda bad, actually. It sucks that so often in life, when someone an "other," no matter how defined, their success is so often questioned and qualified. Whitney's a hot girl and her win is at least controversial enough to bring this show more attention than it's experienced in cycles. If this is all some manipulation via Tyra Banks and CoverGirl...well, duh. Of course it is! The entire show is connected to a set of puppet master's strings, right down to weekly judging and the dubious notion of the girls' "best shot" that renders the judging scale fuzzy. That's not even to mention that the concepts of what makes a model (a certain mix of eye-smiling, boisterousness, complacency, fierceness and humanitarianism, apparently...sometimes) and beauty itself are very elusive, subjective concepts. As a product of whimsy and contradiction, this show is always as good as fixed anyway, and clearly parsing out the attempts at logic is one thing that makes it fascinating to me. If there wasn't this behind-the-scenes bullshit, there'd be a lot less to talk about. Take it from someone who talks a lot.

I just hate that for those who don't consider the inherent absurdity of the show (i.e. a lot of fucking people), I maybe helped chip away at some of its credibility. That sucks. I love this show. I need it to be around long enough to fulfill the real conspiracy theory going on: something someone on the TWoP boards called the Facts of Life conspiracy. First Tootie (Saleisha) won, now Blair. I really want this show to be on long enough for a Mrs. Garrett incarnate to win. So from now on, let's keep the integrity-destroying bashing down to a minimum, k?

And now, it's time for one last cry (or eight or whatever)...

54. Anyway

She's all, "Can you even dye my tears to match my hair?" Work that translucence motif, girl!

55. Fatima

You know you've reached the end of the cycle when you come to a picture of a girl crying and you have nothing to say about it, let alone the three of her that will follow. Or at least, that's how it works for me. I'm tired, man. So very tired.

56. Whitney

The great thing about CoverGirl is its color-select system that allowing you coordinate the emotions you're wearing on your sleeve with the ones that are running down your face. Classy! Also, if there were a remake of Howard the Duck, the combination of Whitney's bill-like expression and considerable rack suggests that she could play that girl duck with titties, no problem.

57. Fatima

Yep, still nothing. Fatima's is a slow unraveling, and that has no place in ADHD culture or the Internet. Who does she think she is, Elizabeth Taylor?

58. Whitney

Now she knows the anguish we felt when Pippa was foisted upon us.

59. Fatima

OMG, just fucking LEAVE ALREADY!

60. Fatima

<Brooklyn-Lauren voice>Yuh, dead ta me! Dead!</BLV>

61. Whitney

Now all those years of being teased by a select group of girls for being fat are made up for by the validation that comes from putting yourself on a public platform and having the world tease you for being fat. Ah, happy endings.

It's worth pointing out that 61 is the lowest amount of crying instances probably in the show's illustrious and period-filled history, and certainly since I started counting. Here's a breakdown:

Cycle 9: 101 cries
Cycle 8: 97
Cycle 7: 84
Cycle 6: 68
Cycle 5: 72

Interestingly, it's within striking distance of Cycle 6's number, and that, in my opinion, was the best cycle I've covered so far (and maybe my third favorite after the third and second cycles). I really loved this cycle so so much, for reasons involving things like the wealth of beauty, meat curtains, Anyway's behavior suggesting that Hawaii is, in fact, on another planet (could be, for all I know -- I've never been!) and general toothlessness. I'm not gonna go all out and say the less crying, the better (Cycle 7 had a hearty 84 and that shit was THE. WORST.), but if there's any correlation to be drawn, it's one that suggests less is more. And here I am counting the crying bitches. Perhaps I'm focusing on the wrong thing and should be celebrating the joy and not the pain.

Psyche. That wouldn't be very fun, now, would it?

And speaking of fun...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"You have to do that eye squint that I do almost every cycle of America's Next Top Model. You have to smile with your eyes! But keep them open because your eyes are a little smaller. There's a difference between...and..."

I know you know I know you know this; the exponential knowledge comes as a result of Tyra doing this every cycle of ANTM, as noted. Still, summer is long and it's going to be a while before we're reminded of how to make our eyes smile. I don't want to send you out there on your own, and so I've made a handy gif that you can refer back to whenever you need fierce-but-not-too-fierceness:

 

The sun will be hot. You'll be squinting anyway, so why not greet it with a smile? Perhaps it will grant you with two scoops of raisins in return of your pleasantness.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Whenever people are not real, they're always covering up something. Like, something underneath."

Holy wistful insight, Angela Chase! Let me get this straight: when people aren't real, they're fake. And when they're fake, they're covering up something. And since it's covered, it's underneath. Woooooow. What the fuck am I gonna do without this wisdom for three months. (Although, even if her words tumble out in a daisy chain of redundancy, at least there's a logic to what she's saying. The day Tyra gives herself over to reason is the day that she becomes fully self-actualized, and while that might be great for her, I frankly hope that we never see it.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"What got you here is the potential of what we think is there."

Speaking of logic. And here I thought Dominique had the market of Jerri Blank-ness covered this cycle. Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can, much, Tyra?

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

As usual, it's not what she says or even really how she says it that matters; it's the degree to which she's willing to make herself look like a fool to prove a point (and you know, nine chances out of ten, the point is something like, "I'm a fool."). But it's all good. Mostly, I just didn't want to leave you without a Tyra gif. Like I said, the summer is long.

Oh, and here's my favorite still from that:

That thing about raisins? She looks two scoops short here.

Oh, and this isn't a Tyraism, but wasn't it cute the way she whinnied "Damn girl!"? That should make a nice ringtone. I just want to send you away from ANTMland with good stuff, you know? I worry about you guys.

One time I had to interview the Hogan family (as in Hulk's clan, not Valerie Harper's post-death TV family, although I think I would have loved that even more). At the end of the interview, Linda gave me a stack of Cosi bread in some sort of commerce-oriented form of nurturing that ended up just seeming truly bizarre (seriously, I was like, "Bye!" and she was like "Here!" thrusting five pieces of greasy, albeit delicious, flatbread into my hands). People, this is my Cosi bread to you. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

As much as I enjoyed this cycle and that a juicy-booty took it all, when Anyway was talking about the fake-ity fake-fake runway show...

...and it just sounded so rote and like something my houseplants wouldn't even try to pass off as a description of a runway show, based on their knowledge ("It was so hectic in the back! There was long gowns. People were stepping on it. And then we were like running around hair and makeup. Like, it's crazy."), it struck me how fucking lame this episode was. Besides the tension (because although Whitney's win didn't surprise me, per se, I really felt like it could have gone any way...and to Anyway), it was just so incredibly dull. So instead of serving up the only thing more disappointing than an anti-climax (the reiteration of an anti-climax), to recap this episode, I'm presenting my Top 15 things that could have happened to make this a better episode, starting with...

15. If Tyra finally answered Whitney's now-classic query, by showing us where the Saran Wrap really was.

You know that bitch was hoarding it all along.

14. If both Tyra and Nigel didn't invoke the accursed, "The camera loves her," non-criticism.

What Tyra looked like around the time she said it is what my insides felt like as a result of her saying it. Give it a rest guys -- it's so tired, you'd have more insight if you were snoring.

And just for that...

13. If Tyra actually fell down a canyon, instead of merely sounding like it at the runway show.

12. If Anyway danced like this for at least the length of a segment:

Luckily, you can just stare at that gif for about eight minutes, and it'll have the same effect. Play some music while you're at it. I recommend that Benny Hill music all the grown-ups are so fond of.

11. If that final CoverGirl commercial were in Anyway's native language of Howl...

"They're in English," said Jay, and inside Anyway let out a series of squealing whimpers.

And speaking of that commercial...

10. If they de-tongue-twisted it and just made the girls repeat "lash" and "blast" over and over and over since, really, that's what they did anyway.

So here, let me be the one: "lash" was said 27 times, and "blast" showed up 18. Even with all the blasting of the lashes, I'm sad to report that no eyeballs were mutilated in the creation of this episode. My dream of seeing Lucio Fulci's aesthetic mixed with Tyra's remains unrealized. Sad!

9. If an easy, breezy, beautiful parade of centipedes crawled out of Saleisha’s mouth.

Someone just got interesting!

8. If Paulina...

...if Paulina nothing, actually. She was perfect. She pulled out a ringtone-worthy Fatima imitation. She told Anyway she looked "stupid" in her CoverGirl shot.

(And, seriously, Anyway looks a sneeze well away from being permanently cross-eyed in this shot.)

She called Whitney's rainbow-cum beauty shot "ugly." And, my favorite: she said that Whitney on the runway was a "ham."

She called the plus-sized girl a ham! Whitney's jiggle strikes me more as pig-feet in gelatin, but whatever, close enough to ham.

My point is that Paulina has finally gotten the hang of this shit, or maybe she's just now getting an edit that allows her bizarro nastiness to shine through. Whatever the case, girlfriend has earned her bitch crown.

 

7. If Whitney finally met a potato she didn't like.

You know there's one out there!

6. If Tyra took more cues from the true heart and soul of this show...

...Sutan! After Whitney won, Tyra was all, "The correct term is 'full-figured model.'" As though she didn't just spend nine cycles saying "plus size!" Bitch, you can't un-poison our minds. And if you were going to, using Sutan's preferred term, "juicy booty," is the way to go, 'cause at least that's fun to say. Correct term that!

5. Three words: Gremlin fra diavlo.

4. If that cocoon Anyway wore on her head finally consumed her and spit her out as the beautiful albino butterfly she clearly is.

I'll spare you the visual. It's too complicated and, damn, I gotta illustrate everything for you? Use your imagination already! 

3. If Tyra actually were excited, instead of clearly just pretending to be.

"Yeah, they worked it! I'm proud of you guys. So so proud." Even she thinks this finale blows.

2. If instead of this...

...this was revealed...

Call. Her. By. Her. NAME!

And finally...

1. If instead of this...

...this was revealed...

For real. Robbed. Not to an outrageous extent or anything, but come on, even Whitney knew Anyway had this shit in the bag.

Oh well, at least Anyway didn't seem much fazed by failure. She probably went home and drowned her sadness in Scooby Snacks, but whatever. She'll be fine.

And that is it for me. I cannot wait to, like, do stuff on weekends again! Yay! Like I've been saying, I loved this cycle, I love this show, and I love that I get to share that love with people. In the words of Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH! And to those who won't be back in these parts till September, in other words of Anyway, "Arevadurchi!"

Oh, and here's one final crumb.

Remember to use sunblock and condoms, y'all!

Comments

[Charle]

This was recap was fantastic, but I have one gripe. What about Tyra faux-birthing Whitney? I rewound the mess out of that on Youtube.

[lattegirl]

Thanks for a great cycle! (Why didn't you point out vagina arms this time 'round?)

I come back even without ATNM recaps - I like your Horrors! site.

[Sonny_Amou]

Belatedly, I stumbled upon this post-wrap piece on Fats, courtesy the TV guide online mag, while reading about Lost. It clearly smacks of a pr-piece, but nonetheless I'm guessing your more regular readers might enjoy reading it (i.e., the attempt to recast Fats as less bitchy).

http://www.tvguide.com/news/america-top-model/080520-01

Your recaps are hilarious, I'll be back for the next cycle.

Many cheers from San Diego,
S. Amou

[elle b.]

SALEISHA is the GREATEST!
All you faggots who don't agree are obviously going to hell, and I'll be praying for your pathetic souls in heaven.

Elle B.

[elle b.]

SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA! SALEISHA!

I want her clit.

[ask]

Ok just saw part of the replay on MTv this weekend. And once again I hear (Mr.) Jay say "AN-YA do you have your shoes oN-YA".

Sorry but the first time and again today that just cracked me up - anyone else notice?

[Laura]

Brilliant use of that SWC quote! Nothing too faaaaaggy.

[Scott Free]

It's time for this show to have some kind of primetime reunion show (none of this Tyra Show b.s.). I'm missing Natasha and Mercedes.

[amy]

you're absolutely right about sutan rich. he IS the core of what makes the atmosphere on the show so fun. One of the best people to be a part of it and should be high lighted WAAAAY MORE OFTEN.

[kiwimusume]

It's funny, when you mentioned the dearth of crying earlier I wondered how many cries each series had and which was highest and lowest. And then I read this post and there it was! It's like you anticipate my every snarking need.

[kiwimusume]

I love that in the absence of Twiggy, McRibs and McPerv have taken it upon themselves to pick up the slack in the "The camera loves you" department.

The hate for this winner is so intense... I don't understand it. Not all chubby people are lovable, non-threatening sidekicks like Toccara.

I realise I'm late saying this, but I just gotta say: an asshat is an asshat, no matter how much they weigh.

As they say in Italy, "Brazilia!"

WIN.

[Rbaofbpk]

RBKmwb

[maggie]

Just got the Zombi reference. I suck.

[tramadol stops obe experiences]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[phentermine no prior rx]

I want to say - thank you for this!