Mother: fucker

Because I have an insatiable urge to refer to Dina Lohan as "Demon Lohan," I scoured last night's premiere of Living Lohan to find the frame in which she looked her most devilish, and here's what I came up with:

Not bad, right? It's only appropriate: DeLo gets her own reality show, our culture enters a new circle of hell.

Oh, I quite like this one, too:

This is not aimless hate: it's self-defense. Per the premiere of Living Lohan, Dina thinks that "people are just idiots." She couldn't be less pretentious, then, about being a walking insult to the intelligence of anyone who is slightly cognizant of what bullshit fame is. During weeks' worth of pre-show press (and as recently as on Monday's episode of The View), Dina told anyone who'd pretend to listen that constant paparazzi hounding has given her "no choice" but to turn to reality TV for...what exactly? More attention? A false sense of empowerment? I don't really follow Dina's logic - it would seem that turning to reality TV to remedy your over-exposure is like spraying yourself with syphilis to help with your herpes flare-ups.

If the fact that she's exploiting the paps as a rationale for bottom-of-the-barrel fame whoring (after being exploited by them) doesn't blatantly illustrate the symbiotic nature between the tabloids and the stars, then please allow the fact that she's a patron of that which she hates, to help pick up the slack:

Dina explains on the show that her morning routine involves sipping coffee and scouring Page Six. She rationalizes this (always a rationalization from this one, FOR REAL), by saying that she keeps up with the gossip in case there's anyone she needs to sue. Her approach is a combo of paranoid schizophrenic and chess geek -- it's like the foil she wears on her head is for both mind-control protection and to perform experiments in oxidization. "Chess" is actually the way that she describes her dealings with the entertainment press -- after she spots a blurry shot purported to be from a sex tape starring Lindsay, Dina practically squeals, "It's our move! Bring it on now! Let's go!" Clearly, she is having fun.

And so is her dreadfully misguided daughter, Ali.

I take it that the glee on Ali's face as she looks at what could be her fellating sister is a reflection of that which resides in Dina -- Dina's at least savvy enough not to let it show. But just a bit, because the monster mom's greatest insult to our intelligence is her peddling of Ali as someone who's worthy of superstardom. Please refer to Ali's video, "Christmas Magic," for 12 days worth of reasons why this girl needs to find another pastime:

For teen girls, the battle for self-esteem is even steeper than uphill: it's up-heels (of the stiletto variety, even). I don't want to add to that by ticking off all the reasons Ali doesn't look the part of a superstar. I will stop at pointing out that Dina Lohan has her manicured-on-Lindsay's-dime thumb up her ass for thinking it's appropriate to be whoring out a 14-year-old girl who hasn't yet shaken her pre-pubescent awkwardness.

Ali just isn't...Lindsay.

Endearing is another thing that Ali isn't. In interviews, she comes off as snotty ("The tabloids can say whatever they want. My sister, look where she is, and look where those people are writing the stuff," she told Showbiz Tonight when talking about the press that validates her poor choices) and utterly lacking in self-awareness (in pre-show interviews, she's repeated that this reality show will serve to show the world that she and her family are "normal," repeating the modifier like the meaningless mantra that it is). But poor thing! With a self-destructive sister as a role model ("I look up to her," Ali explains. "Try to look like her, dress like her, and everything.") and a press chessmaster as a mother, Ali never had a chance. There is something about her aimless and clueless desire for fame that is tragic. And not just any sort of tragic; we're talking La Toya Jackson-level tragic.

We don't get to feel sorry for her for too long because she exhibits the same grotesque entitlement as mother, a woman who slimes her way out of jury duty by implying that she's too good for it. Ali's current plan for achieving fame is to retell Lindsay's unfunny joke of a music career. As she possesses only a modicum of a modicum of talent (i.e. musically, Ali doesn't seem to do anything but sing, and she only hits her notes some of the time), she must rely on her bobo-ass record company to send her material. From what we can see, her true craft is rejection. Ali chooses her songs like she chooses nail polish, except not really, even: you can see which requires more concentration and attention in the screen shots below taken from a scene in which she speaks with people at her label:

But what good is belief if your nails aren't right? At least we're clued in from the offset about her lack of seriousness. Entitlement is nothing to base a musical career on. It's why Ashlee Simpson no longer has a career.

In maybe the most overt example of projection during the episode, Ali describes how aspiring record producer Jeremy Greene harassed Dina into working together: by hitting her up on AIM and sending her tracks, saying...

"Listen to this! Listen to this!" The fact that by aspiring publicly to pop stardom, Ali is effectively saying the same exact thing is lost on her. It's another case of wanting to shout, "The poor, poor thing!" and then looking up and taking in her snideness and just throwing up my hands.

One thing that did strike the slightest bit of sympathy in me was that whenever the show would flash to paparazzi photos or video or sex tape screen grabs, it was always blurred:

It's a fantastic visual metaphor for the way fame forces you to forfeit ownership of yourself.

Clearly, shit is awry here. Everyone seems so unhappy, and the flashes of joy come perverted, as the result of the implications of gossip. So who do we blame? The purveyors of co-dependency, Dina and the tabloids? The representative of next generation of pointless popularity, Ali? E! for giving these lunatics a platform? Ourselves for caring enough to talk about this garbage?

When it comes to being entertained I have few standards beyond basic and obvious ethical ones. But Living Lohan grossed me out. Dina is fascinating in flashes, as a highly evolved species of stage mom and, thus, exhibitionist of extreme human behavior. I may very well stick around to see how this disaster plays out. Should that be the case: shame on all of us -- all the players involved, our whole damn culture -- for failing to transcend.

Comments

[shaygo]

AAAAAnd HOW!

this is the best examination and explanation of what makes dina lohan such a sad presence -- you've done it again!

i heart fourfour.

[Gal]

But.. aren't you going to post about The Paper finale? She got in! She got in!

[dodger]

yah there wastes of skin. i for one hope you don't cover it, the last thing we need to give the lohan's is more attention. i hope they take a long walk off a short pier and soon.
i still love christmas magic tho. so want that album for next christmas

[Duper]

I saw Ali on Letterman and immediately got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even Letterman seemed sort of repulsed and unable to ask her questions fluently or even make a joke of her. She just kept talking about how "normal" she was, how "normal" her family was, and how they were doing the show to prove their "normal family" status to the haters. She's young so I guess on some level I'm supposed to forgive how subjective her concept of "normal" is. But deeply tragic is spot-on. Dina Lohan disgusts me in every single way it is possible for a human to disgust me. If she were a dude I bet she'd get poop on my dick.

[jtalia]

in the "listen to this" gif, she looks like a wallace and gromit version of lindsay lohan

you got me into "the paper", my my, i wish you could blog about the last episode

aaand, i saw your name on a vh1 commercial last night!!!!!

[Heather B.]

Of course you said that 897 times better than I ever could so I will just nod my head vigorously in agreement.

Also, did you happen to watch Denise Richards before La Lohans?? My reaction to that travesty was pretty much on par with your reaction to Living Lohan: Bullshit and overuse of the word 'normal'. You know, to come off as 'normal' because that's what we normal people do.

[CdnLuv4Winston]

We don't get this one up here in Canada (at least where I am)...didn't get Bobby Brown either but your blog is so awesome it was like I saw the episodes for myself.

Wish Winston a Happy Birthday! (If I read the archives right his birthday is around now)

[Nope]

Shame on all of us? Sorry, no. I didn't watch this and I don't plan on it. Not saying I'm superior, just saying don't rope me into your scolding.

[Miss Lisa]

Rich--please don't watch this any more. I don't want anything bad to happen to your brain.

[j]

o.m.g.
thank you. i haven't been caught up on my lohans lately and now i feel um, a little TOO caught up. i'm going to smoke and watch that christmas magic song again. that was the SHIT.

[Deborah]

Sorry, Rich, I'm not gonna go there with you this time. Dina and all the Lohans do not deserve one-fifteenth of their 15 minutes of fame.

[mariaaaaa]

I remember reading an article in Harper's Bazaar shortly after one of Lindsay's "episodes" (I can't remember which one - arrest? rehab? relapse?) in which the journalist is hanging with Demon in a limo and she is crowing about being fabulous and forty and some other shite and seriously? I wanted to to beat her senseless. What a stupid cunt. Attend to your child you worthless piece of crap.

And then the reasonable part of me kicks in and feels profound pity for someone so utterly bereft of self awareness and inner peace.

I LOVE Tracy Ullman's Dina Lohan impersonation on her new show (State of the Union). Spot fucking on.

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

Well, now I wish I had bothered to wrestle the remote out of all the men's hands last night and switched from the stupid American Gladiators marathon to this horrible show. The women in the place threatened to do it once, but the looks we got let us know how intent they were to see a grown man, whose tax return reads "Gladiator", to howl like a motherfucking wolf. Unbelievable.
Jules
House of Jules

[bell]

Well said Rich. This show is a train wreck, yet I cannot stop watching. That animated gif you made of Allie is the lovechild of plastic Heidi Montag and Lindsay. Really scary!!

[Steve Abramson]

Two completely unrelated topics Rich

1) In regards to this post, yesterday I was out and about town and when I passed the Palms (I live in Las Vegas), there was a HUGE sign in front announcing the premiere of this crap show and I said out loud (please, for the love of god, don't tell me these skanks are in my town)... But then again, ever since "Real World" filmed at the Palms, it's the constant sighting for celebrities. Not only did Britney make her embarrassing comeback at that hotel, we have the Celebrity Poker tournaments here. Even some major A-list musicians play their concerts there. Yet, I have YET to see a celebrity there myself. Granted, there's a lot of fuckables there (which is why my cockring is always on when I go there, just in case I can play starfucker... but I digress)... Anyway, so I can semi-sorta-kinda relate to your post only cause I thought of it...

2) Far be it from me to request anything from you (although you have granted me two wishes already - a Twiggy soundbite and an Anya gif - although I think lots of people requested the latter)... and lord knows you and I are musically as drastic as Venus and Mars, I was just wondering if you have heard or purchase Cyndi Lauper's new album. (Her first all-new material release in 12 years... and yes I know the B-52's and Donna Summer have done the same as well recently). It's just that when I listened to this album today, it reminds me SO much of Queer As Folk. She makes one apperance on that show (of course right before Babylon blows up) and her music DRASTICALLY changed in that direction as I couldn't help but think that this CD would've made a perfect soundtrack for one season... So if you're heard it/bought it - care to do a mini-commentary if you either have the time or even feel inclined to do so... (and speaking of QAF, why couldn't Rosie O'Donnell have been in THAT episode so she could've bit the dust - cause that would've been the ONLY thing that could've saved that show from having such a fucking disastrous last season!)

As always, I heart you too! - More hardcore Rich nudity! (Oh wait... that's my dream... nevermind...)

Steve

[CarrieS]

OMG. What the hell is that Christmas Magic shit??! That girl should be working at McDonalds (although I'm sure she has no people skills), not on TV.

[Karen]

Christmas Magic at 1:37...Sid from Ice Age? Exactly.

[Gyn]

"spraying yourself with syphilis to help with your herpes flare-ups"

HAAAHAAAHAHAAHAAAA!!!!!!!!

I <3 Rich.

[Jumping Fences]

I am fascinated by the train wreck that is the Lohan family, and so I am glad you reviewed this so I don't have to watch it myself.

I watched the Christmas Magic video because I thought it might be funny, but I couldn't even bring myself to laugh. I was just stunned instead. If Ali was slightly more caricatured, I would absolutely believe that was a parody of a Christmas song music video, rather than an actual one. I particularly enjoyed the person-in-a-reindeer costume dancing towards the end. What the fuck?

[pete]

the end of your post made me envision Dina as the stage-mom equivalent of a super-rat. once again your perspective on utter trash somehow redeems it. i heart fourfour. sexy devil.

[pete]

the end of your post made me envision Dina as the stage-mom equivalent of a super-rat. once again your perspective on utter trash somehow redeems it. i heart fourfour. sexy devil.

[kerri]

I saw a clip of Ali on Letterman and some morning show and she basically said the exact same line, word for word, about the normalcy of her family. Kind of takes the "normal" right out of it when you're 14 years old and constantly re-hashing a press release. Sad.

[Snowbunny]

OOOOooooh, is Living Lohan the new ANTM?! Oh so trashy and wonderful. Thank you thank you thank you Rich for bringing screen grabs of this train wreck to my computer, I was worried that (A) I wouldn't get posts like this until fall (or whenever ANTM starts again) and (B) nobody would address my new obsession with this.

[jess]

Your last line gave me goosebumps.

[Kath]

Rich, I love that you use the word 'bobo'. You are one of two people I have ever heard say it with any kind of frequency and it's such an awesome word.