Stefan and Sinja

This happened exactly this way:

Tracie and I were standing outside Lure on Friday evening. She was smoking a cigarette; I was reminding myself how wonderful being free from nicotine feels (having been in the belly of the beast of nicotine addiction, I think I'm allowed to gloat every one in a while, OK?). We spoke about nothing in particular when I noticed a stout woman coming down the sidewalk toward Prince Street. The chief reason I noticed her was that she was waving frantically. Like a middle child on a parade float, she seemed desperate for attention. I looked behind me, saw no one stationary she could possibly be waving at, and averted my eyes anyway, assuming that she had some sort of telescopic vision or imaginary friends. Tracie and I resumed talking about nothing, and my eye wandered to see the wild waver still serving her purpose. She was getting closer.

But whatever, I still figured that her flailing had nothing to do with us. I hasten to take credit for something so beautiful. Finally she reached us and breathlessly asked, "Are you Stefan and Sinja?" Now that she was mere feet away, I noticed that she was exactly what Sally Kirkland would look like if you compressed her down to about 5'2" and lost none of the mass or pseudo-witchiness. She was maybe 35, but I wouldn't have been surprised to find out she was 55. Hard to say. One of those. I could also see that the top of this woman's towhead was buzzed with about a month's worth of growth, in my estimation. The sides and back, were, however, long. Without the top layer, this brought her hair to a stringiness level I'd previously only seen in films directed by Rob Zombie. She had a tiny labret piercing. It was, by far, the daintiest thing about her.

Stefan and Sinja we were not, and our unison "No!" came out more like a "Ha!" "Oh, you probably think I'm some crazy girl..." she said, as she quickly ushered herself out of our lives and down the stairs. "Girl?" Tracie asked when she was out of earshot. And then: "Sinja? Is that like Simba?"  "As a ninja!" I laughed. Because of all the amusing things about the situation, the fact that there is someone on this earth who's named "Sinja" might be the funniest. OK, I'm lying: the fact that this woman was clearly meeting Stefan and Sinja for the first time, probably for a Craigslist-orchestrated three-way (I mean, come on -- it's the most plausible explanation) and that she revealed this to two other strangers was the funniest thing. The jig was up for this woman, who just now I developed an urge to refer to as "Candy Waver." And so that is her name.

Tracie and I eventually went back inside and after about 15 minutes, my mind wandered back to Candy Waver. So I took a trip to the bathroom to scope out the restaurant. I saw her sitting at a table large enough for four all by herself. That made me sad. She didn't seem so bad, just kind of abusive to her limbs and appearance. Certainly, nothing in the four seconds we spent talking to her indicated that she should be stood up for the seafood she was to have before a night of clam-diving and snorkel-handling. It wasn't fair! Candy Waver deserved better than fish for one. Everybody does.

I got back to our space on the couch in the bar area and told Tracie about Candy Waver's solo project. Sadness abounded. Not long after, Tracie and I were ready to leave, I told her that we should do one more lap of the restaurant, in hopes that Candy Waver's story wouldn't turn out to be the tragedy it clearly was. And it didn't! From across the restaurant, we could see that she was seated with not two additional people, but three. Kinky and kinkier! When we looped around, we got a good look at the people she was sitting with. One was a young girl who was, by any measure, cute. She had heavy eyeliner on and black hair with bangs. Sitting next to her was a young dude with a buzzed head. Holy shit. In case you don't know, Tracie and I look like this:

Stefan and Sinja were our dopplegangers! Candy Raver's display outside the restaurant wasn't so much over-eager attention-begging; it was an honest mistake! Tracie and I walked past swiftly, failing to stifle our laughter as we rushed out of Lure. I now knew what Bart and Lisa felt like when they encountered these two:

Not that I hate or feel threated by Stefan and Sinja. Quite the contrary: I'm so glad that things worked out for Candy Waver.

Comments

[jtalia]

:D

[random]

Oh the pretend monies I would pay for a picture of that scene.

[Sarah]

I've been told by 2 people (they didn't know each other) that I remind them of the actress Meg Tilly. 3 other people (who also did not know each other) have told me that I look just like a friend of theirs, right down to the mannerisms and the sound of my voice. So I must be the lost sister of quadruplets and one of them is Meg Tilly.

Haven't had anyone mistake me for someone else yet, but I'm patiently waiting for that Meg Tilly fan to come up and ask for my autograph.

[Matt M]

Aw how fun! Now if you guys ever get into trouble you have someone to blame: Stefan and Sinja!

[nodoubt9203]

you SHOULD'VE taken a pic!!!

[HouseofJules]

So, did you guys argue over who gets to be called Sinja from here on out?
Jules
House of Jules

[rick]

i am such a sucker for stories when believed-to-be crazies are redeemed.

a quick share of a story that's 10% of this one. i was at a kinda fancy-ish restaurant in chicago when i thought i spotted oprah's chef (art smith) from a close view (~15 feet). after much hushed and heated discussion at our table regarding whether or not it was art smith, the realdeal art smith sat down at a different table two away from the fakeout version. but, given where we were seated, looking at one meant looking at them both so post-mindblow, slackjawed staring occupied our table the rest of the meal.

i know that this is not relevant to the post, but I thought you would appreciate this armpit vagina, or armpit hole? I don't what it is

[Daniel]

So how are the eats there?

[Amber]

Rich, i adore your writing skills; there's a wave of panache and general good mojo attached to whatever your write. But this line: "It wasn't fair! Candy Waver deserved better than fish for one. Everybody does." simply melted my heart. How true, how true.

thanks.

[JOhn Taylor]

you guys have to show us how stefan and sinja look, haha, thats so funny you guys were confused for an internet hook-up

[nico]

You guys missed out on some seriously kinky fat sex, which I think would have went well with the sushi.

[abba]

I mean it with all of my heart when I say that I am happy for Candy Waver, too.

[AT]

Best. Story. Ever.
Maybe it's because I identify with Candy Waver. Maybe it's because I really, really want to hang out with you and SM.
I don't know.

Also, I'm pretty sure A. Lorber was in the audience for the Tyra show today. If she has dyed her hair.

[hal]

BTW, I'm sure you already know this, but NYT magazine is doing spread on non-other than Tyra Banks! The opening line is perfect:

"Tyra Banks has 275 smiles. Like a star athlete who has perfected a jump shot or a curveball, Banks has studied, honed and mastered the smile. In her arsenal are the “surprise smile,” the “angry but still smiling” smile, the “flirting with boyfriend” smile and the “commercial” smile, which, like the rest of Tyra’s smiles, was designed and perfected when Banks, who is now 34, began modeling at 15"

[Molly]

This is why bloggers must sometimes leave the internets. For the purposes of fetching stories like this one. Beautiful execution. Perfect dismount. Candy Waver is such a John Waters heroine. Luv it.

p.s. Did you see Mariah throw the first pitch at that baseball game? Her outfit was str8 Heartbreaker.

[Mik]

That's nice that you were going to the lady's table to check up and/or keep her company. Sweet. We need more compassion in the world. Although I wish you wouldn't have let her not so attractive, shall we say unusual appearance brandish her a crazy person. I've found the real crazies are smart enough to hide it behind seemingly "normal", put together appearances.

[mariaaaaa]

Awwww Candy Waver has friends! Yay!

Back in winter break of my senior year of high school, my friend and I went to Lyon's (kind of like Denny's only you don't have to be drunk to eat there) on Christmas Eve for some cigarettes and pie and to bitch about our families (tells you how long ago I graduated from high school - you could smoke indoors). It was evening and there weren't that many people there. Most were like us, on the way to other places (both of us had to go home right after to join the festivities, go to midnight mass, etc.) and just stopped by for coffee and a break. So this guy comes in and gets seated near our table. He's alone, nerdy looking and he orders the Christmas special. :( My friend and I looked at each other and just felt so sad for the guy. However over the course of finishing up the chocolate cream pie we were sharing, every. single. waitress in the restaurant came by Wayne's table (I don't remember his name, he just seemed like a Wayne) to wish him a Happy Christmas and some even gave him hugs. Wayne warmly thanked each and every one of the gals and for what it's worth, the guy seemed happy holding court at Lyon's. Maybe he was alone on Christmas, but he was the King of Lyons that night and hopefully maybe even got some diner waitress love later on that night.

[MsKit2u]

I <3 this post. Thanks for writing it!

[Torrin Paige]

I just love happy endings. As always, many thanks to you, Rich. You lead an interesting life so I don't have to!

[scorzi]

If you were straight you and Tracie would make a very good looking hipster couple.

P.S. You look high in that picture.

[thisisme]

Rich looks high in that pic because he IS high. Jezebel.com every Friday at (of course) 4:20 pm.

[Bobby]

There are 20 pages of Sinjas on mySpace. None in NYC, though. Very few Synjas and Cynjas.

[Courtney]

@houseofjules: Well, obviously Tracie is Sinja, since Stefan is a dude's name. But I'd fight over Sinja too.

[sara14]

Did you know, there is a cat on that bed?