This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers

Instead of a pithy sentence or two in this space regarding this week's loss, I thought it more appropriate to create a video as a tribute to the woman who was the heart and soul of this cycle. I only hope that it's as cheesy as Dominique herself.

And that ends this cycle's Pretty Party. :(

52. Fatima

I'm back on track! I hereby decree that I will never miss counting a crying girl again!

53. Dominique

So, uh, did I miss any? Anyone? Anyone?

Regardless, even though she did shed a tear or two, it was nice to see Dominique go away a) looking pretty (imagine that!) and b) with her head held high. Given the choice to watch someone openly crushed or someone cheerfully deluded, I'll choose deluded any day. I really hope she ended up getting that Snickers bar.

'Course, clarity's nice, too:

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"I can look tranny sometimes in pictures! I can! I have a face that can take a lot of makeup, so makeup artists get really excited and they're like (the approximation of what it sounds like to liberally apply makeup). I look in the mirror, and I see Tyrone. So I'm not gonna pose like...

...and hard and stuff. I soften it."

As if the self-awareness weren't pleasant enough, Tyra had to get all kinds of generous of us and give us the gift that is "Tyrone." People. We must use this often. It is the only proper way to show appreciation.

Tyroneism of the Week No. 2

"(The approximation of a game-show buzzer.)"

Yes, indeed. Tyrone is a human game-show buzzer. Kind of Judge Judy-esque here, no? Try, just try to give this bitch "Um" as an answer! She and that doily that should be around her neck simply will not have it. UM IS NOT AN ANSWER.

Tyroneism of the Week No. 3

"(On the role-playing aspect of modeling) I've never been an Aborigine or a circus ringmaster..."

The former is nothing a very special episode of Tyra can't fix. As for the latter, I beg to differ: look around you! This show has circus written all over it to the point that you can smell the peanuts and inbreeding.

1. This isn't a Tyraism per se, but...

...my boyfriend noted as soon as we saw Tyra at judging that the highest curls on her head fall exactly where they would were they part of a a cartoonish, villainous mustache. God, sometimes I just love having help.

Tyrone strikes again! And a cactus hat completes the look!

Put that in your vagina arm and clench it! (Disclaimer: this is satire. I do not condone female genital/general mutilation, even when inflicted upon makeshift genitals.)

2. I keep forgetting about Fatima's lack of clitoris.

For real, I felt bad that she feels so awkward around dudes, and that panel lambasted her for it (Tyrone's metamorphosis into a game-show buzzer and Aborigine/ringmaster comments were in reference to Fatima's inability to hang with dick). But you know what?

She lives in a constant state of Ewok-watching, so really, how bad could life be? (Then again, this is coming from someone who finds Ewoks orgasmic. I might be a little biased.)

3. So as if I could love Anyway more, she had to bust out her vision to shoot Paulina.

"I want you to grab all these leaves and just throw it in the air. And you can have a big smile, you can be like, like, just jump!"

Yep, that's a vision, all right. It's cross-eyed, but hey, still a vision.

"Play with these things, and be like, like you're curious. Huh? What is this? And you can even tug on it. Yah."

I love that she was projecting her mystification over foliage on Paulina. I have a feeling that if Fatima ever went to Anyway for sex advice, she'd get much the same response.

Potes has suggested that Anyway was raised by wolves and that combo of succinct and spot-on is why she inspired me to do what I do. Somewhere between Isobel and Ralph Wiggim, there is Anyway.

But hurry -- she won't be there for long. She's melting!

I love that her exact phraseology is "I feel myself melting." I feel myself reminiscent of Natasha. It makes sense -- both are ESL. Natasha's first language is Russian. Anyway's is Howl.

God, I love her. If she wins this thing (and she will, right?), and by some beautiful fluke, she gets creative input into the My Life as a CoverGirl segments, expect a 30-second dose of Dadaism every week of Cycle 11. OMG, that's like my dream.

Not Nigel's though. I'm so sick of hearing variations of, "Anya lucked herself into this a little bit." If she's so fucking lucky, what does it matter? It's not like open-heart surgery or bareback skydiving, where luck is bound to run out. Isn't consistent luck in modeling every bit as valuable as skill? It's like, shut up, Nigel and go make out with that boy your body was calling for.

For obvious and Wiggim-ish reasons, I like Tyrone's response to Anyway's shot much better: "Meow."

Also, I don't know if you noticed, but in some of Anyway's interviews, she was rocking an irritated upper lip.

I'm guessing she just got waxed or something. See, if she'd let that shit go, she woulda been all...

Tyrone strikes again and again! (But no cactus hat this time because that's only for the drag queens who run this shit.)

And after all of this, Anyway still sips her tea with her pinky out.

Dainty!

4. Oh, and speaking of the girls shooting Paulina?

This woman is radiant. Well, at least she is when there aren't leaves in front of her face.

(I bet this image is what comes into Anyway's head whenever anyone says the phrase, "Habitat for Humanity.")

I love that Paulina wasn't afraid to be in natural light and that she doesn't really seem to be doing much to fight aging. In honor of her commitment to looking as naturally hot as possible, Paulina gets a no-irony-necessary Pretty Party:

And a cactus hat tops it off:

You know who runs this!    

5. Can I pat myself on the back for a second? (I don't even know why I'm asking, because of course I'm going to.)

After reading this Pee-Wee-esque Tyrone Mail:

...it made me say, "Damn I'm good." I felt prescient.

(Although I suppose that Pee-Wee's Playhouse is as obvious of a comparison to this show as, oh, say the circus.)

6. Two remaining observations about Dominique:

a) Her pouty face makes her look like a Baldwin. Her capacity for insight has me wondering if she isn't related to that clan for real. For you see...

b) I know that when she said, "I guess I'm the Saleisha of this competition," she meant that she was going to win. Instead of delusion though, I wish this illustrated her wish to have her hair cut like this:

Cute, right?

Saleisha is not amused:

And to think that after next week, we'll never see her again!

7. I love that every damn time this show puts up a split-screen of someone imitating someone else, it inevitably exposes how off they are. Look:

Is this woman blind? Does she have an ocular migraine inhibiting her from seeing that Whitney's baring her upper teeth, not pouting? Is it just that Tyrone's trying to get in with the Baldwins, too?

Like, why do they even try? Why not just help ANTM become actualized in the field of absurdity by just sticking any random face up against whatever picture?

Actually, that last one might be dead-on. I'm pretty sure that's what Dominique looks like on the inside.

8. Shout out to Miss J for really sticking it to the show's biggest sponsor:

"But that's why it's called CoverGirl, because it covers up the man in you!"

I don't know, talking shit about the colored putty that your checks are signed in seems pretty punk rock to me.

9. My favorite direction in the history of. America's. Next. Top. Model. happened this episode:

"Make it effortless!"

We joke about the girls fielding virtually impossible requests, but I do believe that this is the first time anyone has been given a direction that is literally impossible. I mean physically impossible. The minute you try to make something anything, you're putting effort into it. I would love to watch the girls practice making it effortless. And you know once they perfected it, someone would be like, "But we need to see you doing this while hovering."

10. So how 'bout that Top 3?

Best Top 3 since Amanda-Eva-Yaya, y/y? At the very least, it could really go to any of the girls for valid reasons (symbolic clitoral restoration, '08 edition of fat-ass kissing or woodland pride). I don't know, I think it's pretty damn exciting. I also think I know how each of the girls will react, should they win:

Fatima will provoke embarrassment...

...because she won't know how to be sexy around her winnings.

Whitney will be kind of stank...

...because she's Whitney.

And Anyway will be...

..."Meow!"

Because...because.    

Comments

[Mardi]

Whew finally Rich! I've been waiting all morning! (Read: for the past two hours, but still!)

That video complilation of Dominique was pretty awesome. Funny how she did usually take some pretty stunning photos. She's sorta like the Jim Carrey of ANTM, huh?

[Rasheedah]

I look forward to this re-cap more than I look forward to the actual shows!

[Brandon]

I want to say soo much about your recap. But I seriously can't stop laughing at the Mariah track in the Dominique video. It takes over everything! hahaha.

[Steph]

you are my favourite

love the mustache edit, its funny how everyone could have missed it out

[jenn]

I Love u rich....Im so glad dominique left...she is a total man...

Rich im obssessed with ur pot psychology on jezebel...it makes me want to get stoned so bad...ur hysterical

[Ussie]

I dont remember pointing that out while we watched it... wait what...

*stows away cardboard cutout of Rich*

[ellesee]

I never realized how those bathing suits bottoms look like makeshift diapers fashioned from toilet paper. The crappy kind you find at the loo at a gas station.

And there's no way Anya's winning. She's too pretty, young and actually good at modelling. Tyrone clearly hates her and is only keeping her around for what is sure to be a humiliating Cover Girl commercial shoot. Oh well. Rock on, my clueless no-eyebrow monsteress.

[shannon]

Seriously, Rich. Seriously. That Mariah tribute to Dom had me crying. How can we transition from blogger/blog reader to friends? Because I feel like I'm truly missing something without you in my real life. Thanks for all of the hilarity yet again.

[Lea]

Love the recap, as always!

ANYA ANYA ANYA! She has to win if this show wants to recoup any shred of decency it might have once had. But of course...it probably doesn't.

[claire]

Fabulous. Paulina is really very gorgeous. I saw her a couple of times walking across Union Sq with her kids/dog/nanny. She is very small, natural, and pretty much perfect. There's no mistaking that face.

[Jaxopolitan]

This is of course, wildly insensitive, but has anyone else noticed Fatima's insane cameltoe? A little bit of airbrushing could've gone a long way.

[layla]

If only Anyway would win...

But I agree with ellesee. There's no way Anyway will win once they "film" the next Cover Girl commercial.

[Eric]

You outdid yourself with that video. GOD. So funny. I will miss Dom of the Dead, but this really is the best Top 3 since Cycle 3. Any one of them could win, and I can't remember the last time that's been the case, you know?

[Noel]

I'm thinking Whitney looks like Linda Evangelista. Also, why aren't you in the video this week?

[andy]

wait, better than jade-joanie-danielle? blasphemous!

I LOVE THIS SEASON!!!!

Best final three in so long. Whitney may be stank, but I still love her ass.

And Anya. Can you imagine her MLAACG spots?

They'd sound like those old Meow Mix commercials.

"Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
I want lipstick, I'm the winner
Cover Girl, Cover Girl, Please Deliver."

And an ewok????

I'm breathless with anticipation. Cycle 10 has rejuvinated my love for this show.

[barby]

I LOVE THIS SEASON!!!!

Best final three in so long. Whitney may be stank, but I still love her ass.

And Anya. Can you imagine her MLAACG spots?

They'd sound like those old Meow Mix commercials.

"Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
I want lipstick, I'm the winner
Cover Girl, Cover Girl, Please Deliver."

And an ewok????

I'm breathless with anticipation. Cycle 10 has rejuvinated my love for this show.

[Benjamin]

I agree that with this is one of the most satisfying Top Three ever (although I place Dani/Joanie/Jade up there too for the mix of two cool chicks and a crazy chick with the fact they were, in fact, three good models).
I always liked Fatima who seems to me more socially inadequate (as in she just does not know what is appropriate or not hence the armpit incident and the bitchy remarks) than mean. But Anya is the sweetest and Whit is enough of a cool chick I would be Ok with her winning although her portfolio is a little lacking for me.

[monica]

The split shot of Tyra made me miss your bj count... :(

But more to look forward to! Go Whitney!

[a]

Eh, Dominique had one good photo, though her Castle is one of the best photos of the cycle.

[milkyaqua]

I get Whitney looks like a combo Anna Nicole/Wynnona Judd.

No way is Anya winning this for reasons mentioned above, she's young, pretty and can model and for purposes of this show (which is first and foremost to find a spokesperson) she can't win.

Whitney has this in the bag. It's cycle 10, Tyra is constantly casting plussies, Whitney could have been cut a while ago, she's a meh as far as models go, her figure isn't even ideal for a plus model and half of the eliminated girls have said she and Fatima are the bitches of the cycle. She's catty and fake at times like Tootie so that's just icing on the cake and Nigel has a hard-on for her. She is so winning this. Which is okay since for CG and 17 she'll do just fine.

Anya will hopefully have an actual modeling career.

Paulina was funny (but correct) when she told them for the photo challenge they would get to work with a real model, heh. More Paula and ditch Tyra I say.

Dom went right out and got herself some long hair. She looks better. This is the only time I will listen to Mariah's Bye Bye. That is all.

[America's next top best friend]

"The camera eulogizes you"
I really cannot believe you made that video collage. I was pissing myself watching it.
And Whitney would definitely be a little stank if she wins. At least it's nice to have Team Chunk represented in the final 3 at long last.

[catina]

you actually managed to make me feel a little bad that there will be no more dominique! even cartoons have villians, and life is just no fun without a pinch of yang hampering our yin.

it's like we finally all got what we secretly wanted but it's now sort of like living in anya's head. well, at least we now know what zero gravity feels like, if only in a woodland creature's interpretation of such an idea.

[Dara]

Rich? You complete my Mondays.