"What do you want to do with your life? 'Cause I know it ain't this!" someone said to me when I was backstage at the Flavor of Love 3 reunion, covering its taping for my day job. That question took me aback, not for its forwardness or rudeness (you know how aspiring Hollywood types are...), but because I have no idea what the fuck the answer is. What's worse (or better, depending on your point of view), I haven't even considered what it could be for some time now.
Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because my blog is, too. This here thing turned 3 on Saturday, but I didn't post about it that day, because, I had so much celebrating to do! It's not everyday that your blog turns 3! I had a cake and a homosexual clown and a traveling petting zoo to tend to. Just kidding. I didn't post about it because it was the weekend, and in ANTM downtime, my only tangible goal is to enjoy my weekends.
Ambition is a funny thing, but only when you have it. When you consolidate your goals into abstraction ("I want to be eternally honest"; "I want translate what's going on inside to the outside as lucidly as possible"; "I want to harbor the kind of nonsense that inspires me"), you realize that the force that drove you to where you are now has its lights off and is probably, like, jacking off in the car. I worry about resting on my laurels to the point where the landscaping gets out of control. Book deals, articles in highly circulating publications and TV appearances are all socially acceptable means to keeping up appearances, of sculpting your career into impressive hedges. I'm not disinterested in these things, but I'm not interested in them enough to put the necessary effort into attaining them. I always tell those who inquire that if I ever have enough to say about something to fill a book, I'll do so. Most importantly, I'm so OK with the possibility that that day will never come.
More and more, it's fairly clear to me that I've found my medium. And if that makes me pathetic and as worthless as the trash I spend my days celebrating, well...I never said I was cool or even worthwhile. But I am creatively fulfilled, and I'm more than happy to accept the trade-off.
I wanted to quote Alain de Botton's Status Anxiety, which I read when it was published in 2004. That's back when I was a lot less fulfilled and a lot more depressed; in other words, I read that graceful book when I truly needed it. Somewhere in his mediation on the misery caused by the pressure to exceed others' accomplishments, de Botton makes the point that we're pretty much all freaking out together. The more wrapped up in competition and status differences that we are, the more level our playing field. I can't find that exact passage now because I didn't underline or make note because it was a hardcover I read from and I didn't want to mark up a first edition because it might be worth something someday because REALLY THAT'S HOW QUEER I AM. But! In perusing the book for that passage I a) realized how helpful it was in getting me to chill the fuck out, and b) found another passage that I think is just as relevent. If you want to know how I really feel, right here, right now, here it is:
The attentions of others matter to us because we are afflicted by a congenital uncertainty as to our own value, as a result of which affliction we tend to allow others' appraisals to play a determining role in how we see ourselves. Our sense of identity is held captive by the judgments of those we live among. If they are amused by our jokes, we grow confident in our power to amuse. If they praise us, we develop an impression of high merit. And if they avoid our gaze when we enter a room or look impatient after we have revealed our occupation, we may fall into feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness.
In an ideal world, we could be more impermeable. We would be unshaken whether we were ignored or noticed, admired or ridiculed. If someone praised us insincerely, we would not be unduly seduced. And if we had carried out a fair assessment of our strengths and decided upon our value, another's suggestion that we were inconsequential would not wound us. We would know our worth.
I guess if I do have a mission I could point to directly, right here, right now, it would be to exist in that perfect world. I don't know if I ever will. I have no idea how far the fuck away it is, and I'm not very good with the spacetime continuum. But I know that the past three years have launched me into orbit, and the resulting weightless somersaults in my stomach have made it all worth it.
In other words, my answer to that question at the top of this post was a jovial, clichéd: "Hey! I'm having fun!" Right here, right now, it's enough.
Yay! So glad to hear someone be happy and having fun with something he also happens to be really good at. I feel like that makes you pretty rare, actually. And that's more good news for the rest of us, too, that you probably won't be abandoning this blog anytime soon to appear on Shot At Love with Tila Tequila 16: This Time It's Personal.
Posted by: Donny B | June 02, 2008 at 11:23 AM
It's funny how when I read words that make life word living, they make me want to kill myself.
And yes, to that impermeable self. 'Cause right now I'm here:
ONLY THEN WILL I HAVE EARNED THE RENT FOR MY STAY HERE
ONLY THEN WILL I HAVE REALLY PROVEN MY WORTH
ALL I WANT TO DO IS SHOW THAT I HAVE SOME SWAY HERE
JUSTIFY MY MOTHER SHITTING ME ON THE EARTH
JUSTIFY MY MOTHER SHITTING ME ON THE EARTH
JUSTIFY MY MOTHER SHITTING ME ON THE EARTH
"Prostitute"--MJ
Posted by: Michael J | June 02, 2008 at 11:28 AM
I've always been a big fan of your blog, particularly because I feel you're able to adequately verbalize a lot of what goes on in my head.
Connecting to a blog's author has always seemed to me a bit far-fetched and, let's face it, creepy. But, apart from any of my friends or close relations, the fact that you're happy makes me genuinely happy too.
Weightless somersaults in your stomach are an excellent feeling, and I do hope the universe holds an endless amount of them in store.
Posted by: rudy | June 02, 2008 at 12:16 PM
People can be such assholes sometimes. You're cruising along, having fun, engaged in fulfilling your creative heart and some bozo comes along and implies it's not at all good enough. Hosebag. I hope the person didn't plant any seeds of self-doubt, because that shit consumes and paralyzes. On a more selfish note, I'd hate to see one of the little bright spots in my small universe fade out. So, yeah, shake it off, Rich, shake it off! If what you're doing is valid for you then it's enough.
Posted by: Annegret | June 02, 2008 at 12:19 PM
Oh my God ... that is SO not what I meant ... what I meant was that Rich was awesome and that I feel right now like I'm not awesome so I relate to (I'm already out of breath on this thought) ... what I meant is that the words make me want to kill myself because I DIDN'T WRITE THEM ... OMG OMG OMG ... sorry ... not trying to rain on anybody's parade ...
Posted by: MikeJack | June 02, 2008 at 12:28 PM
ITA! I think people miss that the point of life is to enjoy it. Thanks for 3 years of total bliss. You fill my heart with sparkley glitter and sunshine on regular basis and I luvs it.
Posted by: Saun | June 02, 2008 at 12:36 PM
Aw, Rich. You've been dazzling us non-stop for three years now (cheers!), and no amount of upward mobility is going to make your writing more relevant, enlightened, or insightful.
And NICE "Teeth" banner!
(Jess Weixler was a goddess in that piece-of-crap movie!)
Posted by: | June 02, 2008 at 01:22 PM
As someone who acts for a living, I cannot tell you how much I needed to read that just now, Rich. Thanks a bunch!
Posted by: Steph | June 02, 2008 at 01:44 PM
What you have written is beautiful. My car broke down this morning, I need a root canal and my girlfriend and I ended our relationship this past Saturday. Your words lifted me. I needed that. Thank you.
Posted by: Lorraine | June 02, 2008 at 03:30 PM
What a salient piece of writing. I am in no way at that "impermeable" stage yet (will never be?) but it is nice to see that someone has put those feelings into two succinct paragraphs... Hope you had a fab weekend :)
Posted by: Laura @ Hungry and Frozen | June 02, 2008 at 03:45 PM
That is exactly how I feel about it all. Well said! I'm going to have to read that book.
Posted by: Clarity Sage | June 02, 2008 at 04:06 PM
I was watching Sandra Bernhard on the RuPaul show (via YouTube), and Sandra was talking about kabballah, and people in fashion, and how MEAN fashion people are to other people, and Sandra broke it down to: these people are damaged, and they have ego issues, and kabbalah enables superior knowledge of this dynamic, thereby releasing you from ego. This post made me think of that moment.
Also, I try not to mark up my hard cover books, and I tend only to buy hard bound books anymore, since the paperbacks aren't even that much cheaper. Not sure if this is a gay trait or not, or a 'queer' one as you put it.
I think you're doing fine, Rich. Just promise me you WON'T go for a Ph.D. at some point. You're obviously plenty smart, it's just that a PhD will ruin your life. I have a different vision: you befriend James Wolcott -- or maybe you two already 'hang' -- and get a regular gig writing for Vanity Fair. Eventually this will require a move to LA -- but you'd like it over there.
Posted by: Bears are Fat | June 02, 2008 at 05:03 PM
It's so nice to read something from someone that's happy, rather than full of angst and Jones-keeping-up-with stress. And goodness knows we appreciate you!
Posted by: kdub | June 02, 2008 at 06:38 PM
'sup, R.
i can't believe i've been reading you for just about as long as you've been around.
that makes me really happy, because there's never been a time that i didn't enjoy your work.
you've been kind and gracious any time i have felt too shy to say what i wanted to in a public comment (something that really means a lot to me), and you continue to surprise and inspire me with your insight and, well,
just by how incredibly hilarious and awesome you are.
sometimes i DO feel jealous of SM because she gets to hang out and have fun with you (since you seem eminently hangoutable), but even your taste in friends is right on track--she's charming and adorable like you.
you should feel good about what you do. very, very good.
exes, ohs, things,
jess
Posted by: jessica | June 02, 2008 at 07:33 PM
Also, whoever said that shit to you backstage has probably been chained to the same bloodsucking agent for the last three years.
The whole time you've been making people laugh, he/she has been making other people rich. I'd call that person a sucker...
Posted by: spazmo | June 02, 2008 at 08:37 PM
Hear, hear!
My interest in ANTM (which originally brought me here) may have waned oh--twelve seasons ago??--but in you, Rich--nevah.
Then of course it led to the wonderful service you provide with "Pot Psychology" & Slut Machine (such givers, you two).
So, mazel mazel. Good things.
And make a new friggin' mix already.
Please.
Posted by: Pinky | June 02, 2008 at 09:46 PM
Three years?! Congratulations! I've been reading since almost the beginning. Not that I'm great or anything, but it's pretty rare for a blog to become part of my daily round and then to stay there for years. I think only you and dlisted have achieved that honor. Again, it's not like I'm some great arbiter, but you consistently entertain and even make me think and consider things I would not have otherwise considered.
I love that you are happy! That joyfulness, curiosity and humanity comes out in your work and it is an inspiration.
Funny how reading a book that inspired you to worry less about the approval of others and concentrate on your own worth and happiness led you to greater career success. Lesson to be learned there I think.
Posted by: mariaaaaa | June 03, 2008 at 12:44 AM
As another nyc based young, gay, successful-in-ones-profession man to another, you are so not alone. Said a bit more simply than above, I've come to the decision to just "live life", right? And upon further inspection, to realize just how lucky I am to be able to just "live life", without worrying about putting food on the table, avoiding home foreclosure, etc. It's truly a luxury to be able to self-examine in this way.
Posted by: senor j | June 03, 2008 at 01:09 AM
Seriously, you're young and you don't need to worry about anything other than having fun. And from where I'm sitting, you have a dream job.
Posted by: Jan | June 03, 2008 at 02:07 AM
I am finally starting to realize all of this, at 26 years old. It is a hard thing to overcome, worrying about what others think, hoping that you are pleasing people, thinking you should be doing something more/different/new, because that's what you do to succeed. It's been difficult for me to step out of the box of doing what I think I should instead of doing what I want, professionally and personally. I'll get there sooner rather than later because attempting to live up to what I perceive to be other's expectations of my abilities is even more draining and confusing than it sounds on paper.
Good luck on your journey Rich, you aren't alone.
Posted by: La c. | June 03, 2008 at 06:59 AM
You're happy. That's exactly what pissed him off. I come across that myself, because I, too, am happy. I have a shiny college degree and what do I do for a living? I'm a housewife. No, I don't have children. I cook and clean, and generally take care of my husband because he goes out and brings home the bacon so I don't have to. My life is virtually stress free and I have oodles of time to do whatever I want. Currently, I'm teaching myself to play drums. Women give me dirty looks and ask me when I planning on having children, what I plan on doing with my life, and don't I want a career? They seem really pissed off that I am perfectly happy with my life as it is and expect me to take upon myself a bunch of things which will stress me out and leave me in the state at which they currently find themselves. And you know what I say to that? Blow me, bitches. You, of course, always find a way to say what I'm feeling better than I ever could. And for that I thank you. Although, a nice "blow me" to that asshole probably would have sufficed. Love you, Rich.
Posted by: Torrin Paige | June 03, 2008 at 10:51 AM
Rich, I swear, you're like a blogging angel with wack-ass pets. This is exactly what I needed to read, and I'm getting a copy of de Botton today. Blogs are your medium like stone was Michaelangelo's; you transcend the form and make it art.
Posted by: Catherine Cantieri | June 03, 2008 at 11:22 AM
You're three?
That makes me three.
Fuuck.
Posted by: rod | June 03, 2008 at 12:51 PM
having been reading fourfour since cycle 5, i think it's safe to say that we all knew you'd found your medium a long time ago, so well done you for feeling comfortable where you are.
also, i'm glad to say that the last three years, which have been a weird ride for me too, would have been a lot emptier without fourfour - and i don't mean that in an "i wouldn't have had anyone to internet stalk" sense. my initially disastrous grad school started looking up after i finally found a true friend, yet if she hadn't mentioned antm and i hadn't been able to say "oh you like top model? well do i have a blog for you..." we probably wouldn't have connected, would have remained just politely friendly colleagues. instead, i got the real-life version of the kind of intellectual connection reading your blog always makes me feel.
so thank you for leaking off a little of the joy of what you do onto us amateurs. i won't say we're all "better" for it, because god knows that's too loaded a term to throw around in reference to pop culture, but i know i'm certainly happier for it.
Posted by: stompie | June 03, 2008 at 07:05 PM
I'm a committed lurker but I had to post and say thank you for this. Just thanks.
Posted by: | June 03, 2008 at 08:47 PM