This blows

The Happening: briefly and spoilery, below.

If the No. 1 thing M. Night Shyamalan wanted people to say about The Happening is, "That was a really fun B-movie," the No. 2 thing must be: "You'll never look at waving weeds the same way again!" But, duh, of course you will: they're waving weeds. And besides which, this is a compost heap of a green movie that couldn't even scare an environmental alarmist. As devices of peril go, those waving weeds that signal imminent death by plant-emitted toxin (the film's twist twist, which apparently excited Shyamalan so much that he couldn't wait till the end to reveal it and couldn't be bothered with explaining it all the way either, since plants are, like mystical and shit, yo) are a notch less scary than those of The Blair Witch Project, in which every fucking pile of sticks and twigs was supposed to send shivers down your spine. Make no mistake, though: there is real malice there. These plants, fed up at the way they're being treated by polluting humans, are making people kill themselves. Come to think of it, that's what we're doing by living with disregard for the environment, anyway. If they don't really impose visual doom, at least these plants have a sense of symbolism.

Similarly, if The Happening doesn't really possess the power to move you in any manner but far, far away from Shyamalan's future garbage, at least it has a sense of humor. The dialogue is so hilariously stilted (often declarative to an absurd fault...even when a question is being asked) that it loses very little in screen-to-blog translation. My favorite lines are as follows:

"C'mon, buddy. Get interested in science!"

"It's good to be a math teacher sometimes."

"It makes you kill yourself. Just when you thought there couldn't be any more evil invented!"

"Why are you giving me one useless piece of information at a time?"

"We're so much the same, Jess. I don't like to show my emotions, either."

(Watching tigers maul and dismember a man) "What kind of terrorists are these?"

"Can you believe how crappy people are?"

"Don't take my daughter's hand unless you mean it!"

"You like hot dogs, don't you?"

"Oh, it's the army. We're safe!"

"Elliott's resilient, isn't he?"

"We're not assholes!"

"Plan on murdering me in my sleep."

(After an hour into the movie and much discourse about the evil that wind brings) - Marky Mark's character: "Close the windows and the doors." Zoey Deschanel's character: "Why?"

"Nothing happened...Could this really be happening?"

See? Fun. In fact, I haven't been so giddy since I experimented with inhalants in high school. Viva CFCs! (That's the real lesson here.)

Comments

[chucklehead]

whoa-you forgot the following:
"Design the experiment, douchebag!"

and

"Why you eyein' my lemon drank?"

[sarah]

haha. i havent seen it yet, but this is hilarious. even though i really hoped that it'd be of a higher caliber just cause zooey d's in it & i love her so much.

[Dandy Darkly]

SERIOUSLY BAD. Never before have I heard so much talk-back at the movie screen , and not just black girls either, but actual cinema-goers - the kind that usually shush the black girls.

Betty Buckley was pretty awesome, however. But too little too late.

[Erin]

Hilarious.

"You like hot dogs, don't you?"

and

"We're not assholes!"

Made me LOL for realz.

[Lisa V]

I feel like I must be the biggest dumb ass out there, still going to this guy's movies. The Sixth Sense was good. The rest have stunk.

It's like he is my abusive boyfriend that I just keep letting come back home because he treated me nice in the beginning.

[Charlie]

OMG, this movie was so bad, I was actually in shock throughout, trying to figure out how such an awful movie actually got made in this day and age.

[faith]

i agree with the above commetn. i always want to see them, hoping hes changed.

he never has.

[Jana]

But you forgot:

"Cheese and crackers!!"
(said with utter shock and bewilderment by the slightly touched in the head looking army guy)

...so depressingly weak.

[spazmo]

I heard so much negative talk about this beforehand, it really had nothing to live up to, so I was able to appreciate the film's few (often unintentional) charms.

But what the hell was up with that tree-swing scene? It was remarkably suspenseful, but...ultimately nothing happens. It reminded me of that scene from your "Orphanage" review. At least that movie didn't embarass the actors.

Really loved "The Mist", though. Have you seen that one Rich?

[Heather B.]

I just returned from the theater wanting to punch myself in the head. I'm writing about it tomorrow but my God, all I can really say is "That was shit. The end."

[mary]

"Why are you giving me one useless piece of information at a time?"

Somehow, same way, in same form I have a new blog tagline and I couldn't be happier. Thanks Rich.

[nicolars]

"Mon dieu!"

[Robert]

Normally love reading the blog, Rich, but I couldn't get past the first paragraph where you claimed the plot was a twist.

The plant thing? Isn't a twist. It's the plot. Big difference.

Doesn't make the film any better, of course. It's just aggravating that every review I see claims it's a twist. The plot point. That's set out in the first scene of the film. And alluded to with Wahlberg's honey bee lecture. And built up to a nice little climax at the end of Act I (all downhill from there, unfortunately). Not a twist. The plot.

The twist is Shyamalan really DOES believe he is the artist destined to save the world as established in Lady in the Water.

[Babloo328]

How could you forget the best line?

"I SEE YOU EYEING MY LEMON DRINK."

That old woman or MOTHER GAIA as IMDb posters are claiming - was the saving grace of the funniest movie so far this summer.

[Mosa]

what's with killer plants being so popular?

[mariaaaaa]

WAIT A MINUTE, BACK UP... Blair Witch was totally scary! I saw it at a preview screening right before all the hype on a cold and windy Friday night at midnight. Everybody screamed at the end! But yeah in the end it didn't hold up to repeat viewings. I still say it has a nice scary vibe to it, especially for those of us who aren't that outdoorsy.

[studpup]

wait. betty buckley is in this?! dammit! dammit! now i have to consider watching this. fine. but i'm not spending any money on this crap and i'm not watching it sober!

[RD]

I gave up on M. Night after I saw The Village. I wish someone would've warned me about M. Night's output after The Sixth Sense. I could've gotten two hours of my life back!

[Lea]

Rich, thank you for watching this crap so I don't have to.

[Josey]

This Black Girl is a cinema-goer and so are all of my Black Girl friends. Black Girl and Cinema-goer are not mutually exclusive.

[Casey]

I saw this last night, and I'm glad you're spreading the gospel about it. You're doing a necessary public service!

[M]

We have dubbed this movie "The Crappening" because it sucked so much unholy ass (and not in a good way even). The whole theater laughed during the tiger scene. Thanks for posting your favorite lines - seriously, this had the worst dialog ever!

[Dara]

Shyamalan-ding-dong.

"the crappening"...says it all.

[brad]

oh.. this TRULY is one of the worst things i've ever seen. i was even drunk going to to prepare myself. it harshed my buzz. it felt like they were reading off cue cards. i didn't know a movie with zooey could be this awful.

[ekar]

finally a movie that allows movie talkers (like myself) to talk to strangers DURING THE MOVIE about how bad the movie is! I had so much fun talking to guys a row up that the movie only got better.