I was on a plane recently, and I bought Men's Fitness. It wasn't quite for straightforward reasons, nor was it for man-ogling ones (as you'll soon see). I don't know, sometimes I need to be reminded about how good fish is and why antioxidants are helpful and how to get perfect abs in four weeks on a clear schedule and empty stomach. Sue me, I couldn't find a copy of National Review. So, I'm paging through this crap that all sounds good and right, but that must be crafted for the least amount of possible retention (otherwise, how would these magazines stay in business, printing the same things perennially?) and I'm, of course, assaulted by ads, many of them before-and-after style that are peddling things like fake steroids and cardio boosters and whey protein and adipose reducing agents and shit, and I get to this:
And it just strikes me as so unethical that this ad is, like, endorsing the body-shredding of a perfectly adorable stocky Asian dude. It's not like that type is everywhere. No, ridding the earth of one is like shooting an endangered species. It's just. Wrong.
And there's more fucked up shit in these ads, too. Trust me, I know. I'm something of an expert since going through over a dozen men's health and muscle mags and scanning these things. Since I'm past taking inconscpicous pictures of strangers frolicking on the Jersey shore ('cause that's just putting too much of my pervy mind on display), but since I do realize that summertime is chunk time, consider this my chunk coverage for the year.
So.
In addition to developing what look like cobblestones on his abdomen, this guy went from Latino to Asian. What the fuck is in those pills?
And this one?
It's like, dude, get over it. You're a bear. How the hell is a Euro-/trailer-trash look via perky boobs and peroxide an upgrade?
And like, I'm not saying that this is hit-able in any incarnation...
...but if I had to choose one, it'd be the one in which the fuller cheeks offset any possible rodent or rodent-like teeth, you know?
The most amazing thing to me about these ads is that these guys are striving for this beauty standard (which, by the way, is why I feel shameless about objectifying them...publicly; no matter what I objectify dudes privately because, uh, I'm as boy-crazy as a babysitter). But their standard runs completely counter to the conventional beauty standard and our cultural philosophy (no matter how morally bankrupt it is) that looking younger is ideal. Because the biggest change you see in these dudes is that though most "after" shots purport to be weeks or months after the before, they look like they've aged decades in the interim:
(This one is another that kills me a little because he was so. Cute. Before, bulgingness and all.)
I'm such a face man that it befuddles me how men could sacrifice their mugs for their bods. I guess it's, uh, cultural. And, you know, I do have some experience in this realm: I lost about 25 lbs. earlier this year mostly by becoming a lot more conscious of and involved in my eating habits (I've worked out like a crazy person for years, so it's actually nice to be able to see the results, or at least the illusion of them - I can't tell how much of my weight loss is eating and how much is the gym, and I'm too afraid of gaining weight to alter either set of habits). I don't know if it's just that time of life or what, since I'm staring down 30, but I've never seen so much old in my face since the weight dropped off. The old is creeping in. The old is in effect. But, Christ, it's not like I developed what looks like a complex irrigation system of wrinkles.
The other major change you see in guys in these ads?
Tans. (And, I'm happy to report, this is one that I'm in no way able to relate to, despite my affinity for the beach.)
Scary...
...splotchy...
...boiled-looking tans I guess maybe this is to match with the new exoskeleton these guys have seemed to develop? I wish they'd at least don antennae. If you're gonna go for the lobster look, why just go halfway?
And, you know, I'm all about being healthy, and unless we're all cutting steel on our abs, we all could use to lose a few pounds. No rule is absolute and there are a few guys in these ads who, indeed, do look better after.
Fine, you know?
I definitely see how his face is more suited for a sleek look instead of a sumo one.
Uh, I think he's hotter after, but the bad tattoo distracts me and keeps me from knowing for sure.
When "before" entails wearing a diaper, after is going to be better no matter what. I'm shocked he didn't bring a blankie.
And, again, something totally unrelated to the point of the ad helps improve appearance. In this case, it's the absence of a mullet.
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This is actually a tough call because this guy is drool-worthy either way. Although I wouldn't mind using his squishy before body as a bounce house, he definitely looks fresher after. I guess it just goes to show that if you're handsome enough with symmetrical features and nice eyebrows, you can rock whatever. And that's the whole point of my chunk obsession anyway -- people take it as some sort of uniform rule, when it's little more than a suggested enhancement. Bodily thickness can be complementary to the right guy, but it hardly turns yuckable to fuckable.
One of my favorite type of these ads are those in which there is little evident change from before to after.
I mean, if subtleties really matter, why not just contour? You're already giving Clinique business with all the bronzer you're going through -- what's another $30? You could probably get a gift set or a tote or something.
Wow! He's gone from ripped to ripped and a little creased.
Don't make your success too evident! People expect their meatheads to be modest, not boastful!
I feel like this is one of those games in the Sunday comic section where you have to circle what's different in the second picture. I think there's a bulging vein maybe? And his nose is wider?
But the absolute best of these ads finds the before picture shrunken...
...so that the guy looks literally bigger in the second shot.
That's right. These supplements give you giganticism. It's no longer just a genetic thing!
Of course, a main point of this is to rag on the advertising as much as, if not more than, the guys in it. Several variables between in these sets of shots make it so much more difficult to gauge what truly looks better. That the ad set immediately above (for Anabolic-Pump, btw) would resort to something as cheap and intelligence-insulting as actually shrinking the before shot shows that insecurity in this industry, insecurity runs deep: it lies in both those who want to change, and those who want to exploit that desire. Pussies!
Excellent post.
You should definitely see the movie "Bigger, Stronger, Faster," which is primarily about steroid use. It also touched upon these before-and-after pictures and how, through Photoshop, many of them are shot in the same day.
Also, the pictures where the after looks pretty much the same as the before? If you look closely at the ads, those are for supplements that supposedly have a (subtle) effect after 30 minutes or so.
Posted by: Toby | July 31, 2008 at 09:35 AM
When you talked about your weight loss, I was preppin' for a before/after shot of you, Rich.
Maybe the former with Rudy and the latter with Winston? With a tagline that reads, "Not only will it sculpt your abs, your domesticated animals will see a vast improvement too!"
...not to imply that I like Winston better or anything.
Posted by: rudy | July 31, 2008 at 09:59 AM
Remember the situation with Christian Boeving?
He was a model/spokesperson for mass/muscle-increasing product (was being the operative word).
Later, it's discovered - in a documentary - that he was taking 'roids since his teens to achieve the look.
Posted by: Steven. | July 31, 2008 at 10:32 AM
"Using his...body as a bounce horse"?
I reckon I've just found my new come-on.
Posted by: Ian | July 31, 2008 at 10:45 AM
What the fuckity fuck fuck? That's a psychological problem to think you look better in those after photos. And why (WHY GOD)why the Oopma-loompa look? So many things wrong...my head...
Posted by: Lea | July 31, 2008 at 10:52 AM
Its sad really, because those roid muscles are no more healthy than the fat (in fact worse, look at the average age of death for a professsional wrestler)...
I have lost 20 lbs in the last few months (due to health scare) and notice that as my chubby cheeks leave, I do look older... I would do plastic surgery afterwards, but fear not looking human anymore, like most hollywood actresses these days..
Posted by: sallah | July 31, 2008 at 10:52 AM
I I saw some of those "after" dudes coming, I would cross the street.
Tan, haircut, photoshop, check.
Posted by: Joanna | July 31, 2008 at 11:13 AM
Agreed, Rich. Little gets me more excited than a big muscular man, but WHY OH WHY must they use the iodine orange tan? It doesn't look good on ANYONE.
Posted by: Steven | July 31, 2008 at 11:20 AM
Thank you, I'm applauding you from the bottom of my heart! There is hardly a person in the before shots that doesn't look way better than they do in the after ones! I'm actually really amazed that there are so many ads for this stuff in the magazine. That stuff they're hocking is so dangerously unsafe since they're not techinically steroids, and not making FDA claims, they can basically put any crap in there and sell it to you.
I hate this trend of guys thinking that they need these huge massive frames to be sexy, just be comfortable with the fact that you're average and live with it. I'm overweight and not just by a few lbs interfering with my muscle definition, and I can tell you, I'd kill to look like half the guy's in the before shots!
I am a little bit confused though as to why you say that some guys could use to lose weight. Some doctors are CURRENTLY telling us that you have to have 0% body fat to be healthy, but there are many who also say that a little body fat is healthy, and that an extra 10-15 lbs is preferable to insulate your body and whatnot. Plus, you look way sexier with some softness than you do with rock hard bodies. That goes for the ladies too!
Posted by: matty | July 31, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Also, keep in mind that none of these Before shots are truly "before"...almost all of them are cut guys who let themselves go to seed for a few weeks in exchange for a paycheck. (I had gym friends in college who did this for a local "vitamin" store.") That's what let's them appear to have such tremendous gains in such a short amount of time: the muscles were just hiding under a thin veneer of temporary chunk.
(The pecs are the dead give-away in most of these shots: most chubby guys don't really have huge well-defined pectorals.)
Posted by: Johnny | July 31, 2008 at 11:42 AM
Ewww, the veins!
Thanks for always making my day better. <3 <3 <3
Posted by: | July 31, 2008 at 12:00 PM
Why are they holding newspapers in so many shots? Is that supposed to be like a size comparison? Aren't we already comparing their new size to their previous size? Or are we supposed to fact check with the date on the paper, and forget that a person can stash away a copy for future photo ops? So many questions.
Posted by: Merritt | July 31, 2008 at 12:09 PM
I especially enjoy how the cinderblock wall and the newspapers in the very first set of photos allude to a hostage or POW situation. Torture porn, indeed.
Posted by: KnucklesTheDog | July 31, 2008 at 12:10 PM
Johnny- I've heard the same thing. The photos are taken in reverse. The "before" is actually the "after" - after eating normal for a couple weeks and not spray tanning.
Posted by: Nikita Tinypaws | July 31, 2008 at 12:22 PM
@ matty - What doctor on earth said that to be healthy you need 0% body fat??? I have never heard anyone recommend 0% body fat, you need a new doctor or something.
@ merritt - The newspaper is likely for date comparison.
Posted by: johan | July 31, 2008 at 12:24 PM
Nikita - I don't doubt that there are plenty of reversed before and after shots--the workout industry is, no duh, sleavy--but I wasn't very clear that I was talking about shots that are more-or-less on the square: guys who are in great shape don't work out for a couple months, get soft, then start taking worthless supplements and working out 11 hours a day until, a month later, they're totally ripped again.
The dishonesty in this approach is bit more subtle than outright lying, but it's still there...if you were in great shape two months ago you have a TREMENDOUS head start in getting cut again despite whatever herbal garbage you're getting paid to take.
Good work if you can get it.
Posted by: Johnny | July 31, 2008 at 12:36 PM
I am soooooooooooo sending this post to my bf, who has toned legs and buff arms but a little tummy...and he doesnt understand why I love that so much more than if he had a ripped six pack. I am all for chunk.
Posted by: Lizzie | July 31, 2008 at 12:47 PM
The shoulder area of really muscular dudes is like an optical illusion to me. Sometimes it looks like a skinny persons head and shoulders wiggling out of a muscle man costume. The best example is the 11th, 15th or 28th picture down.
Posted by: Katie | July 31, 2008 at 01:20 PM
Ack! Guys, guys, guys, why are you sacrificing your cute faces for visible veins!? Chunk is sexy! Do you not realize that by losing so much body fat that all the wrinkles on your face are no longer supported by an underlying layer of softness to help smooth out those wrinkles? And the tans are just alarming. You can be big and strong and have some love-handles and still be sexy. Veins are just plain gross. I prefer my man with some extra baggage, thank you very much, and I don't think I'm the only one.
Posted by: Torrin Paige | July 31, 2008 at 01:32 PM
I keep trying to tell my boyfriend I love his chunk, and he just doesn't buy it. I fear him looking like the freaks in these ads!! What is with the huge muscles poking out like flesh wings on their backs? Ewww. And their faces do look OLD!!
Posted by: Liz | July 31, 2008 at 02:09 PM
yea whats with the tanning??
i agree most of the before dudes are better looking. the after ones look like theyre ready to wife-beat.
Posted by: sarah | July 31, 2008 at 02:15 PM
I prefer a guy thats slimmer and slightly muscular but OMFG some of those guys are disgusting!! Like seriously, some muscle is good but when they start looking like tumors and have veins popping all over the place, that just scary looking!
Posted by: amy | July 31, 2008 at 02:19 PM
Some of those look more like those Faces of Meth ads than what they really are:/
Posted by: Siggah | July 31, 2008 at 02:32 PM
Wowza. Great post. My boyfriend is a big guy with a big gut and I fucking love it. Muscles have always grossed me out, but give me a guy who's the equivalent of a straight bear, and I'll swoon.
Posted by: Georgia | July 31, 2008 at 02:44 PM
Ewww that shit is grotesque. Didn't anyone ever tell them that veins were supposed to be inside the body?
Posted by: Haystacks | July 31, 2008 at 02:50 PM