I spent last week in the 12th state of the Confederacy, New Jersey. It was as enlightening as it was during the 18 years I spent growing up there. I learned many things. I discovered that the summer jam of '08 is none other than Chris Brown's "Forever," a track I praised previously but didn't realize that I adored until I experienced it in the open air with the homey smell of sunblock in my nostrils. This song sounds like neon looks, which aligns it perfectly with the Jersey shore's taste level. Combine that with Brown's idealism and you have a summer classic on your hands. Even though I know it won't, I hope this summer lasts forever, ever, ever.
I took a trip down to Wildwood, perversely hoping that there'd be racist Obama paraphernalia to report after all that rebel-flag shit I documented a few years back. I'm happy to report that I found none -- just a few "Obama is My Homeboy" shirts (there was far more anti-Bush sentiment to be bought, actually). Even more happily, the rebel-flag stuff was a lot harder to find. It's still there, it's just not blazing atop the boardwalk-facing display of every other T-shirt shack. Now you have to go inside to see the thinly veiled hatred. Hey, progress is progress!
And although, I did see this...
...the fact stands that Wildwood, NJ, can still turn out a hell of a T-shirt. Witness the best T-shirt in the history of them:
OMG, you are so jealous of me and my homoerotic baptism of Christ decal. I wanted this on black, and the girl was going to do it, but her Middle Eastern boss was like, "Will not show. For male, white or gray." I compromised with pink. No one seemed amused. Whatever. It's the best T-shirt in history. I dare you to present a better one. You have already failed. The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it!
Oh, and not for nothing, the fact that I was raised around stores like this...
...must have everything to do with my affinity for trash. No?
After the jump, some shots of my trip to an amusement park that was mildly amusing at best.
My sister and I visited Storybook Land, which is like 20 acres of 50-years-old renderings of fairy tale scenes and nursery rhyme locations (the Seven Dwarves' house, the old woman who lived in a shoe's shoe, Alice's Wonderland), some baby rides and deer in cages. This type of dinky amusement park has been parodied on The Simpsons (and also, the principal characters of Lorrie Moore's Who Will Run the Frog Hospital work at a SBL-type park). It was a perennial field-trip destination throughout much of our childhood, so our main objective was to drum up nostalgia. What we received instead was nightmare fodder. Because for real...
...it is abounding with ugliness. The only thing more common than ugliness?
Blowjob Faces. My kinda place, indeed!
True to South Jersey form, there is some mild-to-wild racism to be found. In the park's train station, you get a taste of the Orient thanks to some stereotypical renderings:
I believe these two are from the nation of Asia.
Also...
...uh, I don't know. I see this and I see minstrel, which makes me wonder if the story of The Gingerbread Man (or at least its contemporary rendering) itself is racist. Turned my world upside down, this did. But maybe I'm just sensitive.
Anyway, I could go on but it's probably already boring. I took many more pictures, which I've dumped into this photo album. Try not not to get too excited.
Oh, but at least Storybook Land gave me the greatest lesson I learned during my stay in South Jersey:
I always forget to. Thanks Storybook Land!
Agreed, forever is the song of the summer. Wish it was Best Best though,
He cute, he fresh.
He give me good sex.
I'm feelin' it
Posted by: | July 15, 2008 at 12:27 PM
Thanks for this lovely trip-down-the-Shore recap! Though the Jersey Shore is inferior to the beaches of Delaware (where I grew up), I share your affinity for trashy t-shirt shops and the smell of Coppertone mixed with sea air and boardwalk fries.
Posted by: sweet jawnny | July 15, 2008 at 12:34 PM
Truly, Storybook Land is a fright fest. My gosh, it's almost like watching the Polar Express! Also? Your new shirt is the bestest. thing. EVER. By the by, since I now have weird Jesuses (Jesi? Jesees?) on the brain, have you happened to stumble across the bizarre phenomenon of fiber optic Jesus? I am still trying to locate a retailer that will allow me to buy in bulk so that, come Christmas-time, I will be able to send each of my friends a delightful piece of blasphemy! I especially want the flashing, color-changing, midi-musak playing Last Supper. It is truly a sight to behold!
Posted by: Torrin Paige | July 15, 2008 at 12:46 PM
Wow, I totally didn't need that reminder of my time in south Jersey. As someone who had to reside in Margate and went to high school in Pleasantville (oh wait, sorry, no, "Egg Harbor Township") this was quite the nostalgia factory. At least Lucy had something that at some point bordered on class. Or at least non-frightening novelty.
Posted by: Marti | July 15, 2008 at 01:06 PM
I never went down to Wildwood when I lived on Long Beach Island. I feel I missed some chunk of Americana. The residents of LBI like to think they are classier than the rest of the "shore."
Posted by: inothernews | July 15, 2008 at 01:12 PM
Dear God! Those bears look like the blowjob giving furry in The Shining! I'll have to hit the Ambien tonight if I have even a prayer of getting any sleep.
Posted by: sairentohiru | July 15, 2008 at 01:23 PM
I want "Ms. New Booty" to be the song of every summer.
I see a minstrel in that Gingerbread Man as well. Gingerbread men should be running or standing still, not tipping an imaginary hat like they just finished a vaudeville show.
Posted by: Audrey C | July 15, 2008 at 01:42 PM
Went to Wildwood for the first time in my life last Labor Day weekend w/my boyfriend (he kept trying to talk me out of it.) Passed all the racial and insensitive t-shirt huts and thought of you!
There is a place called Story Land in New Hampshire that is equally tacky. The same strip of highway that it's on has Six Gun City (a Wild West themed park) and Santa's Village (The North Pole/Christmas in summer). You can find these cheese-tastic places near Lake Winnepasaukee where it's people "camping" in trailers with Bombardier Skidoos, bikes, grills, and boats attached to the back.
Posted by: Leanne | July 15, 2008 at 02:08 PM
Oh, my gooood. I used to end up at SBL every year on the way back to PA from Cape May. I had managed to block that fucking witch thing in your first pic out of my memory. Thanks, Rich, for inflicting me with some very PTSD-y flashbacks. Yay Storybook land!
Posted by: | July 15, 2008 at 02:09 PM
Rich, two week ago I went to my first rib-fest and I thought of you and your post on confederate memorabilia. My sister and I combed the park looking for a conferedate flag and were ecstatic when we found a confederate belt buckle. I felt super trashy at a ribfest but you gotta get in touch with your trashy self sometime.
Posted by: anon | July 15, 2008 at 02:15 PM
That baby carriage picture reminds me of the end of Rosemary's Baby where they have the kid/devil in a draped black bassinet with an upside-down cross hung over it. Is it possible the Jersey people are trying to be ironic, like "Hey south! We kicked your ass!"?
And we had a similar park, the Enchanted Forest, in Rhode Island when I was a kid. It's now in unsettling, unhappily ever after disrepair.
Posted by: Greg | July 15, 2008 at 02:22 PM
jealous?... HELL YES!! if you put up a skyscraper banner on your homepage, you need an affiliate fee. those baptism t-shirts would sell out in a jiffy... mostly because i would have bought them ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: catina | July 15, 2008 at 02:31 PM
I went to the New Hampshire StoryBook Land as a kid. So many memories!! I think my brother has even brought my nephew in recent years. I have never been to South Jersey, but its so nice to see that there are these creepy parks everywhere.
Posted by: Liz | July 15, 2008 at 04:02 PM
oh god, weve got one here in NC but its christmas themed, located in the mountains...next to the 'petting' zoo filled with drugged up tigers and bears and such...Oh My? lol
Posted by: Faith | July 15, 2008 at 04:49 PM
...and im not even going to address the rebel flags thing. its far toooooo abundant here.
Posted by: Faith | July 15, 2008 at 04:55 PM
I am the biggest atheist there is on this planet, but I WANT THAT SHIRT...
Posted by: Jelena Vukosav | July 15, 2008 at 05:11 PM
Good God...I spent FOUR SUMMERS working/being suicidal in one of those "Casino/Arcades" on the Wildwood Boardwalk when I was in HS. You know--the ones where you spend $2,000 to gather enough points to buy a blender.
How did it manage to get even trashier?! I never thought it was possible. . .
Posted by: Jeff! | July 15, 2008 at 05:12 PM
South Jersey REPRESENT! You make me proud to be a native son, Rich. My grandparents took my older sister to Storybook Land, but I never got to go. I can see I was waaaay deprived.
About the Confederacy stuff: You know, most of South Jersey is below the Mason-Dixon line, something I didn't realize until fairly recently. Another fun fact: South Jersey had Rebel sympathies during the Civil War, despite it being a free state. It explains a few things.
BTW, do you say "wuder"? My sister does, but I don't (but I'm a bit of a dialectical oddball anyway).
Posted by: Bourgeois Nerd | July 15, 2008 at 05:15 PM
It's very Eastern Bloc. Decades-old displays, weirdly hand-made elements, thematically random content, and ratty landscaping. This is what I imagine a fun park looks like in Minsk.
Posted by: Tanith | July 15, 2008 at 05:17 PM
Sorry to have to ask, but who is Romo?
Posted by: Jean | July 15, 2008 at 05:17 PM
LOVED the pics of Storybook Land--so cool! I'm originally from New England, and we used to go to a place called Story Town (Lake George, NY) every summer. I'm sure it was equally tacky (it's been replaced with a bona fide amusement park, I think), but I loved it and continue to have an afinity for trashy kitsch. Now I live in Oakland, CA and there's a place called Children's Fairyland here, a place of the same ilk. Sadly, my son never liked it there.
Anyway, thanks for sharing that.
Posted by: CarrieS | July 15, 2008 at 05:27 PM
I agree with Tanith about the Eastern Bloc resemblance. This is what Gorki Park looked like five years ago.
Posted by: Scritches | July 15, 2008 at 05:51 PM
Oh how I enjoyed the blowjob faces!!
Um...
Posted by: mary | July 15, 2008 at 05:53 PM
true, that shirt is great, but i'm sure it looks better on the floor :)
Posted by: pete | July 15, 2008 at 06:21 PM
"I spent last week in the 12th state of the Confederacy, New Jersey." You had me at hello.
Posted by: meme | July 15, 2008 at 06:54 PM