How sweet!

...fresh meat!

And by "fresh," I mean "horse-mane having." That's a 'do that Tyra invented. Know how she did it? By being Jesusy and rolling around in hay to stimulate inspiration, that's how.

The time has come once again for me to say slightly horrible things about people I don't know and their names. People who will go on to moderately endear themselves to me without so much as affecting my inclination to say horrible things about them. You saw them yesterday, but let me reintroduce you to the girls of American's Next Top Model, Cycle 11 in loose ascending order of preference.

Clark

Would you fuck Clark? I'd...spin pottery with him. Her. Him.

Sheena

If Kimora Lee mated with an Easter Island statue...a stoic sort of fierceness would ensue. But at least Sheena is Asian. That's something, right? And named Sheena. Sheena! Lunch poll! Who's better: demure, morning-train taking Sheena Easton or slutty, strutty, defiled-by-Prince Sheena Easton?

Brittany

Brittany works in customer service. Clearly.

Joslyn

Homegirl, the Girlicious set is that way. When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star...(but I'll settle for having people remember my name for three months, tops!).

Lauren Brie

When you have hair that blonde, you can't cock your head like that without people thinking you're a bitch. FACT! On the upside, one of her names is "Brie" and she clearly demands that we use it. If I shared a name with such delicious cheese, I would, too. In fact, let's do that. My name is Rich, but you can call me Dick Smegma.

Marjorie

Marjorie's just going around, making clothes out of patterns so old that their fumes make you high, and therefore more susceptible to thinking you're Agyness Deyn, circa 6 months ago (which, accounting for the taped-to-air delay, was still probably like three months too late).

McKey

All right, let me get all my Mc's out now: - McDonalds. McNuggets. McBain. McGoo. McGoober. McDoor. McLock. Mc-Hidden-Under-the-McDoormat. Hmmm. That wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Good thing I'll have a whole cycle to exorcise my McDemons! Also, do you think that "McKey" is, like, a drunk way of saying "Mickey"? Kind of like if Jackie Harry became Jackée without the flava and sass?

Analeigh

Tapenga. There's a red-light special on tapengas. It's 3-for-1: tapengas, metal peace signs and patent leather pumps. Tapengas, get your tapengas heayah. They make great pencils.

Totally unrelated, but my favorite way of doing it? Why, analeigh, of course!

Nikeysha

Cycle 5's Nik is back in the competition, and she didn't even really attempt to disguise herself or her name, really, for that matter. Eysha, you are the girl that she never was.

Hannah

Her face reminds me of a flower. Kinda like she's underwater. No, just kidding, but I get a weird Liz Phair vibe from her, which may be my rotting brain's way of processing a slight Fiona Apple resemblance? Whatever. Her legs remind me of a bow.

Samantha

You know what I thought of when I saw this one? "S-s-s-s-Samantha Fox." And then I read her name. This is providence. Jesus (the non-Tyra one, that is) has ordained that this stubby blonde take the place Sam Fox left void in my heart when she announced her lesbianism. I mean, we can't both be gay if we want this to have a shot at working, right? Don't let me down, Samantha! Hurt me, hurt me (but the pants stay on...conveniently!).

Isis

Every cycle, there's at least one girl who has a thing. Asperger's. Lupus. Retinitis pigmentosa. Endometriosis. Female general mutilation. A life displaced by Hurricane Katrina. A flesh-eating virus. A fat ass. Probable but unspoken deafness (what?). Religious zealotry. A weave with beer in it. The worst picture in the history of America's Next Top Model. And, in Jael's case, probable retardation.You know, something to overcome or, in all but one case here (I'm talking to you, Jaslene. I SAID I'M TALKING TO YOU!), not. This year's girl with a thing...has a thing! Or had! As I'm a Pazzo Kevin (via Dlisted) points out, Isis took part in the homeless shoot of last cycle, you know the one populated with trannies? Interestingly, this would seem to suggest ANTM is breaking its women-born-women policy. This being Tyra's redemption, expect this to be all about Tyra. Whose reconstructed genitalia did what now?

Sharaun

Love. She reminds me of an amalgamation of, like, every black girl I've ever been obsessed with on this show - Bre, Dionne, Bianca. Mama's home, y'all! (I guess that makes me mama, but that's cool. I'm secure enough to take on such a role.)

Elina

I love this girl, and it's not just because I'm Ukrainian and my pale-on-pitch-black sista is holding it down for us so gorgeously. It's also because I'm tickled at the possibility of more ESL hijinks a la Natasha. Please let her have an accent! Please let her have an accent! I'm producing saliva at the same pressure as when the air is filled with the scent of pierogies, which by the way, my grandmother pronounces as "pittah-heh." I never believed her that that was the correct Ukrainian pronunciation, either. I think she made it up! She's crazy and I called her "Catwoman" when I was young. See, I'm not even that into being Ukrainian. Fuck heritage. No bias here, I just love Elina.

[Thanks to all who alerted me to the new-girl reveal. Source: ANTM Livejournal]

Comments

[pricolatino]

Clark looks like Anya's long lost twin sister...

Marjorie probably drinks her own breast milk...

Samantha looks like Scrunchy Face from last season...

Tyra's picture made me realize how much I miss New York bagels.

and... Topanga? *dies*

[tina]

You're ukrainian?? REPRESENT

[Annie]

I went onto the CW site and there's another set of pictures of each of the girls doing poses in their hippie garb. I have to say, they are the WORST MOST HORRIBLE PICTURES EVER. You'd think since this show is so popular, women who are decent models would apply. Wait, I just realized that what I said didn't make any sense, because any woman who was a decent model would be a model already!

=(

[SugarSugar]

Wait...where is the fat one?

[damien]

you have horrible taste.

[Amber]

Are they serious with this cycle? they are ALL HIIIIIIIIDEOUS except elina and mckey. what are they doing to my showwwwwwww!

[Onigiri]

Samantha seems very top heavy, she's got too much up there, then she's all twig.

and anyone who has ever watched 'House M.D.' knows that its never Lupus. ^^ (in reference to your comment on isis)

[Sarah]

Out of these photos I would pick Elina as #1 and Isis as #2. I don't give a flying F if Isis was born with the wrong tools.

I just wish everyone would stop using the word tranny.

[Kelsey]

Oh, God yes. Elina is GORGEOUS. Can't wait for this cycle. Should be...interesting. >)

[Whitney]

Bless you for referencing my most favoritest female singers in the world (Liz Phair and Samantha Fox) in one post. Naughty girls need to fuck and run, too, after all.

I'm already in love with Elina, which probably means that she'll be the first one to go.

[Mia]

Isis' picture makes it look like she doesn't have real knees. Like a Barbie, kind of. Does anyone else see that?

[Lauren]

Oh man, how cheeeesy was the robot/technology theme of the first episode... especially the "special effects". I mean, it's always cheesy but man!
Rich, I can't wait for Monday (it will be Monday, right?) so I can read your thoughts about Beta Jay's long hair, the number of times we had to hear that Hannah grew up without running water, and so much more!

[ajesquire]

You know, my Mom used to pronounes pierogies pittah-heh too.

Maybe they were right.

[Uwzyckao]

2hsKAf

[Nike Shox Rivalry]

The weather is changeable, invariable forever forever love, let light wind is brushed, warm sunshine exhaustion of you pass my sincere blessings every day happy, concomitant! Through the happiness!