How sweet!

...fresh meat!

And by "fresh," I mean "horse-mane having." That's a 'do that Tyra invented. Know how she did it? By being Jesusy and rolling around in hay to stimulate inspiration, that's how.

The time has come once again for me to say slightly horrible things about people I don't know and their names. People who will go on to moderately endear themselves to me without so much as affecting my inclination to say horrible things about them. You saw them yesterday, but let me reintroduce you to the girls of American's Next Top Model, Cycle 11 in loose ascending order of preference.

Clark

Would you fuck Clark? I'd...spin pottery with him. Her. Him.

Sheena

If Kimora Lee mated with an Easter Island statue...a stoic sort of fierceness would ensue. But at least Sheena is Asian. That's something, right? And named Sheena. Sheena! Lunch poll! Who's better: demure, morning-train taking Sheena Easton or slutty, strutty, defiled-by-Prince Sheena Easton?

Brittany

Brittany works in customer service. Clearly.

Joslyn

Homegirl, the Girlicious set is that way. When I grow up I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star...(but I'll settle for having people remember my name for three months, tops!).

Lauren Brie

When you have hair that blonde, you can't cock your head like that without people thinking you're a bitch. FACT! On the upside, one of her names is "Brie" and she clearly demands that we use it. If I shared a name with such delicious cheese, I would, too. In fact, let's do that. My name is Rich, but you can call me Dick Smegma.

Marjorie

Marjorie's just going around, making clothes out of patterns so old that their fumes make you high, and therefore more susceptible to thinking you're Agyness Deyn, circa 6 months ago (which, accounting for the taped-to-air delay, was still probably like three months too late).

McKey

All right, let me get all my Mc's out now: - McDonalds. McNuggets. McBain. McGoo. McGoober. McDoor. McLock. Mc-Hidden-Under-the-McDoormat. Hmmm. That wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Good thing I'll have a whole cycle to exorcise my McDemons! Also, do you think that "McKey" is, like, a drunk way of saying "Mickey"? Kind of like if Jackie Harry became Jackée without the flava and sass?

Analeigh

Tapenga. There's a red-light special on tapengas. It's 3-for-1: tapengas, metal peace signs and patent leather pumps. Tapengas, get your tapengas heayah. They make great pencils.

Totally unrelated, but my favorite way of doing it? Why, analeigh, of course!

Nikeysha

Cycle 5's Nik is back in the competition, and she didn't even really attempt to disguise herself or her name, really, for that matter. Eysha, you are the girl that she never was.

Hannah

Her face reminds me of a flower. Kinda like she's underwater. No, just kidding, but I get a weird Liz Phair vibe from her, which may be my rotting brain's way of processing a slight Fiona Apple resemblance? Whatever. Her legs remind me of a bow.

Samantha

You know what I thought of when I saw this one? "S-s-s-s-Samantha Fox." And then I read her name. This is providence. Jesus (the non-Tyra one, that is) has ordained that this stubby blonde take the place Sam Fox left void in my heart when she announced her lesbianism. I mean, we can't both be gay if we want this to have a shot at working, right? Don't let me down, Samantha! Hurt me, hurt me (but the pants stay on...conveniently!).

Isis

Every cycle, there's at least one girl who has a thing. Asperger's. Lupus. Retinitis pigmentosa. Endometriosis. Female general mutilation. A life displaced by Hurricane Katrina. A flesh-eating virus. A fat ass. Probable but unspoken deafness (what?). Religious zealotry. A weave with beer in it. The worst picture in the history of America's Next Top Model. And, in Jael's case, probable retardation.You know, something to overcome or, in all but one case here (I'm talking to you, Jaslene. I SAID I'M TALKING TO YOU!), not. This year's girl with a thing...has a thing! Or had! As I'm a Pazzo Kevin (via Dlisted) points out, Isis took part in the homeless shoot of last cycle, you know the one populated with trannies? Interestingly, this would seem to suggest ANTM is breaking its women-born-women policy. This being Tyra's redemption, expect this to be all about Tyra. Whose reconstructed genitalia did what now?

Sharaun

Love. She reminds me of an amalgamation of, like, every black girl I've ever been obsessed with on this show - Bre, Dionne, Bianca. Mama's home, y'all! (I guess that makes me mama, but that's cool. I'm secure enough to take on such a role.)

Elina

I love this girl, and it's not just because I'm Ukrainian and my pale-on-pitch-black sista is holding it down for us so gorgeously. It's also because I'm tickled at the possibility of more ESL hijinks a la Natasha. Please let her have an accent! Please let her have an accent! I'm producing saliva at the same pressure as when the air is filled with the scent of pierogies, which by the way, my grandmother pronounces as "pittah-heh." I never believed her that that was the correct Ukrainian pronunciation, either. I think she made it up! She's crazy and I called her "Catwoman" when I was young. See, I'm not even that into being Ukrainian. Fuck heritage. No bias here, I just love Elina.

[Thanks to all who alerted me to the new-girl reveal. Source: ANTM Livejournal]

Comments

[Easter Buffy]

So happy. Commentary from Rich. Forget the show. Commentary from Rich. Yeah. So happy.

[Lea]

So late to the party. I refreshed like 60 times yesterday but then I had to stop so I could work. (I know, bad fourfour fan. Rich always comes first)

BTW, K, the internet didn't just deem Isis as a tranny. She really is. If I'm not mistaken they discussed last season during the homeless shoot that most of them were trannies.

[BJCG]

That's funny, I think that Joslyn looks more like Nik than Nikeysha looks like Nik.

You hit the nail on the head with Sharun and Hannah, however.

[Kim]

OMG. You said Smegma.

Smegma Smegma Smegma Smegma Smegma.

Such a fun word to say with such a really gross meaning.

Thanks for putting it back in my vocab.

Smegma Smegma Smegma.

[J-Mo]

Rich, you are fabulous for knowing/remembering "Hurt Me! Hurt Me! (But The Pants Stay On)"... (BTW, my favorite on that 12" was "the pants come off mix"). Oh, and Slutty Sheena ALWAYS rocks over Prissy Sheena (she said so herself at Phoenix Gay Pride last April).

love, J-Mo :)

[Deborah]

Is it a tranny thing that Isis has no kneecaps?

Sharaun: holy fierce, this may be the girl to beat. Hannah and McKey: I like their looks. Elina: sorry Rich but I don't feel the love there. Sheena: it is about time for as Asian girl to win but I don't think it's gonna be this girl. Marjorie: please god the world does not need another Agness Deyn.

[milkyaqua]

Eh, I think "Nike"ysha looks more tranny that Isis and her voice bugs.
Isis' shoes are very '80s and her voice leaves no doubt that she is a former he and I don't know how CG/17 are going to feel about that but we know Tyra will milk this for all it's worth and make it about her.
Sheena is a across between Margaret Cho/Sandra Oh which equals not a model. But Tyra may give her the win anyway.
Out of all the blondes, Clark is the most blah, Marjorie looked nice in her profile shot but that solo shot and those clothes give me pause. Samantha is the trashy looking one (boobs out doesn't help), Lauren will probably get the "too sexy" edit. Joslyn is filler. ShaRaun will get her Afro lopped off by Tyra and if she's lucky it will only be straightened and not shaved bald and dyed blonde.

Favorites are Analeigh (even if I get a Justine Bateman vibe from her), Elina (despite the belly tat), Hannah and McKey.

The rest are too nondescript and therefore fall under filler for me.

Tyra's pic looks like ass but so do the rest of the her promo pics for this site. Has anyone seen the photos from the talkshow ep she did about the Vogue Italia all black issue? Chrimped lace front and tranny make-up; classic tacky Tyra.

[Valentina]

Ohhh ANTM. I've given up on watching this show but I look forward to your commentary.

p.s. is your header from an 80's (I think) movie called the Heathers?

[NuclearSister]

Sharaun reminds me the most of Tiffany. If she ends up reminding Tyra of Tiffany we might get some good screaming this season! At first I couldn't figure out how to say her name until I sounded it out and realised it was just 'Sharon'. I hope she is as ghetto-fabulous as her name teases she might be.

[Tammers]

Tyra's top hand and fingers look like little fat sausages

[laylaness]

The first thing I thought when I saw Marjorie's picture was Agyness Deyn, and you're totally right: even during filming she would be lagging on Agy's look. Maybe she'll stick a fedora on her head and put on a filthy t-shirt and morph into Samantha Ronson next.

Isis is pretty fucking awesome. Can't wait to see how Tyra makes it about her. "When I was in high school, I was so skinny and tall [hands on hips, chin lifted upwards in defiance], all the other kids called *me* a tranny. But I overcame their meanosity [squinty eyes, fist clutched to chest, voice lowered to a compassionate whisper], and you can too!"

[liz]

Anyone else think Analeigh looks like Michelle Trachtenbourg, if Michelle had not grown up and got hot? Her head is too tiny, too.

Wow! full-on bitch mode today, I am. Obviously, I am in ANTM withdrawel.

[T.S.]

Or, you could pronounce McKey, like 'Timmeh'!!

McKEH!

Did anyone else see these photos and think, "Who will be America's Next Top Amputee?"

Seriously, Brittany has no left arm, McKey AND Samantha have no right arms, and Sharaun's missing a left hand.

Elina's my early fave, but I can see Hannah FTW.

[John]

It's amazing just how dead behind the eyes Tyra looks. Night of the Living Dead, indeed!

[mando]

MCBAIN! Poor Marcie. Anyone?

OLTL, BABY.
I can't wait!!

[Sheena Beaston]

You know who Sheena Beaston is rooting for!

[Dara]

team Українці!

i heart eastern slavics.

[Cookie]

McKey and Hannah look the most legit to me...god, at the start of every season I forget that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

[mariaaaaa]

"Lunch poll! Who's better: demure, morning-train taking Sheena Easton or slutty, strutty, defiled-by-Prince Sheena Easton?" Why, sultry, overly made up, nekkid James Bond bitch Sheena Easton of course! Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BOWrm4xzQ0 . It's so 80's I get goose bumps.

[mariaaaaa]

Samantha Fox is a lesbian?! What?!

[malibu17]

I'm all for diversity but I have a hard time picturing Cover Girl's new tranny...

[Maxam]

There are two chances of ESL-liciousness, Rich.

Because Marjorie is French.

[Mer]

Is there not a plus-sized model this season?

[SarahD]

This cycle is the first one that I get to make my fiance watch and I am BESIDE MYSELF :D