Clearly, we've learned nothing

Worst VMAs ever! Every year I say it because every year it's true. But this year it was especially true -- if last year's chaotic VMAs was a train wreck, this year's was a model train set. Wholesome and going absolutely nowhere, the 2008 VMAs sucked and it's not exactly MTV's fault. The effort to streamline and present something dynamic was evident throughout, especially in many of the performances, whose film-set-integrating set-ups were inevitably more complex than the actual songs being performed.

No, the fault rests on us, or what's left of the music-buying public, who seem content with the blandification of our pop culture. So many things in the past one-and-a-half years have damaged pop music almost to the point of destruction. Jordin Sparks, she who is as personality-free as she is sexless (a fistful of rings will do nothing to help either), won American Idol; Leona Lewis brought a tide of nondescript sonic wallpaper to these shores, opening up the door for everyone to give adult contemporary anther try; squeaky clean teen fare like High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers (a three-man rendition of Greg Brady's Johnny Bravo persona, in my estimation) hit cultural juggernaut status; Katy Perry introduced Girls Gone Wild-style pseudo-sexuality to pop music and people were still titillated despite having seen thousands of infomercials (as a peddler of counterfeit edginess, Katy Perry is nothing but Diablo Cody with an actual stripper's body, instead of a former stripper's body). And on and on and on. It's times like these that you're happy to have someone as unpredictably trashy as Miley Cyrus commanding attention. Which is to say: we're fucked.

For no better and much, much worse, the VMAs captured pop music's dire state this year. After the jump, a few more brief lessons the VMAs taught us that we already knew anyway.

- Sex sells...jokes

Russell Brand's main function as MC was to tell people how amazing every performance was (helpful, as we'd never gather that from watching them) and to tell jokes about one of two subjects: Republicans and the Jonas Brothers' sexuality. It's not that those aren't worthy targets for ridicule, it's just that midway into the show, their bull's eyes had already been shot out. Anyway, he must have hit a nerve when he implied homosexual relations with one of the boys and mocked their purity rings because Jordin Sparks took the stage to tell us all with a conservative's condescension...

"I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut."

And I'm just like, bitch, your words imply your chastity, but your blowjobface says otherwise.

Anyway, this caused Russell to make a weird, probably false apology to the Jonas Brothers soon after, who listened to this without a hint of amusement.

And you know what? Fuck them and their stupid little anti-cockrings. If T.I. can put on a cordial face when Jamie Foxx is tastelessly joking about his imminent jail time (a much graver subject than imminent sexy time)...

...these little coquettes can suck it up. It's really fun, promise! But then again, T.I. is getting laid. It's easier to have a sense of humor about yourself when that's the case.

- Rihanna is her hair

It really was the most exciting thing about both of her performances, which: WHY THE FUCK IS RIHANNA ALWAYS DOING MULTIPLE PERFORMANCES AT THIS SHIT WHEN SHE CAN'T FUCKING SING? Not saying I don't enjoy her, just saying I'd rather hear her voice autotuned and normalized. And what's worse is being asked to perform so much is going to her head as evident in the just-shy-of-unlistenable "Disturbia" ad libs. And don't even get me started on the "Numa Numa" shit in the T.I. duet. I mean, really, guys? In 2008? Is the Star Wars kid going to be in that video? Will you premiere it via Napster? Perhaps you might promote it via the fresh concept of social networking? Please send the answers to these questions to my AOL address. In other words, get with the times! Plus, I'm chafed that T.I. didn't bring down the house by rounding up all his boys and performing the far superior "Swagger Like Us." That said, even when T.I. underwhelms...

...he remains sexy while doing so.

- Lil Wayne is not Jesus

You know, if I never sought out his non-single material, I think I would hate Lil Wayne. I'm so sick of hearing about his money and I'm even more sick of this person...

...a) imploring me to take my money out and show it (MYOB, ringmaster -bastard) and b) being one of the only people in pop music whose presence on a track almost guarantees a hit. I want T-Pain out of my life, and there's no real way to accomplish that. He's like an annoying co-worker in that respect.

And, just to put everything in perspective, here's how lame the Wayne/Pain performance was:

It says more than I ever could, at least.

- Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are worthless

They couldn't even pull off a 30-second promo spot. They were incoherent for the brand that keeps them and their egos fed. WORTHLESS.

- This is not a good look

Well, it isn't.

- The Pussycat Dolls persevere

But barely! They had the longest speech of the night, in my estimation. Probably because they know this is as serious of an award they'll ever get. Possibly because every awards show they do make it to could always be their last. Their 15 minutes have been up for about an hour now, you know?

- Björk still hasn't learned how to present herself appropriately at awards shows

Oh wait. That's not Björk. I wish it were Björk. Can we make it be Björk, please?

- There are no new ideas

Nothing says creative bankruptcy like a revamped version of your first single to lead your upcoming greatest hits album that only spans three albums anyway. Christina Aguilera performed an electroclash version of "Genie in a Bottle" and then the electro-glam "Keeps Gettin' Better." And so, to achieve that future sound she says she's attempting, she dips into her past, as well as Madonna's (and that sound was moldy in 2005!) and Goldfrapp's. The inflated sense of self of Alison Goldfrapp, who seems to think she's an innovator, is thisclose to popping.

I thought Kid Rock's album was selling inexplicably well...

...and then I realized that an interpolation of the perennial-favorite-slash-bane-of-my-existence "Sweet Home Alabama" is what's floating this thing. As long as there's nostalgia and people who make mountains out of beer cans, Kid Rock will always have a job.

I mean, even people couldn't even come original with their tongues. Britney did this...

...and moments later, Katy Perry did that:

What, are we all Cher now?

The only person who really did something different, I think, was Kanye.

Granted, Kanye's version of doing something different was still wrapped up in his ego (it was different for him, see, because he was singing and not rapping, but even the track itself became almost immediately samey with a static melody and a musical backing that does, like, two things at most and one of those things is remind me of Björk's Volta). And yet, it was the performance of the night, and you know that if Kanye was the highlight of an awards show, instead of being, you know, a cancer on it, shit is dire.

- Life is unfair

Not that the VMAs award quality, like, ever, but "Piece of Me" is so objectively boring and ugly and shitty that awarding it three times is just political. It's just to keep up appearances, not unlike getting a new curly weave installed. Britney bombs a year ago (although that opening was infinitely more entertaining than the one she did this time) and gets rewarded for it. Hooray for her. But you know what? MTV is just as far up its own ass as any pop star if it thinks that giving out three meaningless statues to Britney Spears constitutes a comeback for her.

You all deserve each other.

Comments

[annie]

I wish I was that articulate. I love you.

[HouseofJules]

YES, YES and YES. Russell Brand is actually funny when his balls aren't on lock-down and he's allowed to mention other things besides The Osmond Brothers. Errr, the Jonas Brothers, I mean. (Nothing against being celibate, Jordin Sparks!)

It truly was the worst VMAs ever, and this is coming from someone who is addicted to The Hills and VH1 trash TV. Clearly my bar isn't set as high as most people and even for me, the VMAs felt like punishment. I wanted the elephant from the original promos to come out from backstage and trample everybody, starting with Rihanna. Except for LL Cool J, who still looks delicious.

Did you catch the Sears commercial he was in? Yes, LL now sells clothes at Sears. What happened to our world?

Jules
House of Jules

[Brett]

Maybe they used everything in their power to keep Britney on camera as much as possible in the hopes that she'd do something crazy?

[eva.soldati]

i was most offended by mrs aguilera's performance... seriously bitch, do you really think your diffrent? i swear i thought it was lady gaga covering xtina's song at first, and towards the end she looked just like britney spears... booo

having said that, i love fanny pak and i want t.i. to touch my t.t.'s

[jeremy]

Your verb agreement with the conditional in the first sentence made the tip of my dick drip.

[Matos W.K.]

I didn't even watch this shit and I agree with everything. (Well, I like Kanye, but beyond that.) Pop culture is definitely on some "let's blow everything up and start all over again" shit right now, innit? Great job, of course.

[Natalie]

Holy cr@p! Yes. Exactly how I was feeling. WTF? I feel like this was their last chance (atleast as far as I was concerned) and they blew it. Not even big time. Like the popping of a balloon when it was already semi flacid before you pricked it. Shame.

[stompie]

excellent capture of jordin sparks' prissy bitchface. she can give me that look if and only if i'm suddenly eaten up with regret over my sluttiness when i have to confess to my pure-as-the-driven-snow betrothed, or whatever it is that these people think happens.

[dodger]

where did all the talent go?
glad i stopped watching.

[k]

when jordan sparks is the most controversial part of the VMAs you know that we're fucked.

the end is nigh.

[stephanie]

Ok, I don't keep track of what The Kids These Days are listening to, but didn't 'I Kissed A Girl' come out, like, ten years ago? Is this Katy Perry person pulling a Black Crowes and getting famous by debuting with a cover? Gah, I hate that. Not that anyone actually writes all their own songs anymore.

I must be old, I'm shaking my virtual fist at pop music and MTV....

[Ian]

I'm just glad I wasn't sitting behind that hat.

[RD]

"remains sexy while doing so"

I see what you did there...I read ONTD enough to know... :)

But, um, yeah, the VMAs sucked for every reason you listed, especially the promise ring sect invading the show. The problem is not only do they have promise rings, they're, um...not that talented. Yet.

[Britni]

Jordin Sparks' statement really made me angry. You have every right to save yourself for marriage, but to call people that do not "sluts" is fucking ignorant and moronic. Not every unmarried, sexually active person is sleeping around willy nilly (I'm not even going to get into the fact that I think that even if someone is doing that, they aren't a slut because I hate the whole societally imposed concept).

Statements like that always make me think of the song "Jesus" by Semi Precious Weapons, though, and that always cheers me up.

[silkyjumbo]

ha! i was spending so much time complaining about how xtina, pink, katy perry, and fall out boy all bought the same beat from gary glitter (to cover his court costs?) that i didn't even realized that she was singing "genie in a bottle".

i was also dozing off at the time.

[Britni]

Also, did anyone else notice how uncomfortable that dude presenting with Jordin was after she made her little declaration? Dude looked like he couldn't wait to get off the stage. And Jordin was a complete bitch about her little statement, too.

[sh]

I'm curious what you thought about Pink's performance.

[tanya]

This is part of the reason I don't have cable. I didn't watch it either and completely agree with what you said. The current state of pop and hip-hop is really uninspiring.

I'm glad you mentioned the Katy Perry thing. It reminded me of your Tila Tequila post a few months ago. She may not necessarily be toying with girls' emotions (that I'm aware of) but she is using the notion of bisexuality to make herself interesting. It's kind of insulting, I think.

And speaking of insulting, didn't Jordin Sparks inadvertently insult part of her core audience? Not a good move.

[StickyKeys]

I've never been a huge BritBrit fan (I KNOW), but dangit if I don't love Piece of Me. I think I loved it more after Danny Noriega sang it (I know, shut up!) and made it all sassy and what not. I think it's a brilliant song and if she weren't so coked out all the time it would have been even better.

It was such a pity award anyway and she knew it. She needs to just hanker down and come out with a country album.

[Sarah G]

Thank you - I couldn't agree more! How can you even have an awards show when it's the same five acts nominated over and over again? Russell Brand totally sucked and I couldn't listen to "G-d bless 'em" one more time. Also, pairing Jordin Sparks up with the diminutive-seeming John Legend wasn't very nice, until she deserved it.

[p.]

stephanie -- I thought the exact same thing, but the Katy Perry version is, save for that one line, entirely different. It's less "turns out I prefer my female friend to Fabio" and more "omg guys I was soooo drunk last night guess what I did", more's the pity.

[John Taylor]

First thing I thought when Rihanna came out for "disturbia"...... tyra finally got her "horse-mane" weave on someone else

[mara]

@Brini--
that was john legend, and he just got himself a new fan for that reaction. i especially loved how he showed his hands as if to say "fuck that shit, i ain't got no damn ring...what's this bitch babblin' about?!" jordin needed to stfd with that noise.

yup, the awards sucked ass, they were quite boring actually. only things that were remotely entertaining was russel brand (he was completely sarcastic and his 'fuck this shit' attitude completely won me over) and the audiences non reactions to the various performances. the artists were more into it than anyone else, sadly.

oh and the anime character from tokio hotel--he's a fierce bish.

[Cheryl]

How far out of the loop am I that I really don't know ANYTHING about the Jonas Brothers? I know they're from the Disney Channel and now I know they wear purity rings...should I care about them otherwise? Were the people running madly for them paid actors? I'm underwhelmed

I miss the days of Madonna and Prince and comedians being allowed to piss off whomever they want, I know MTV is now trying to appeal to the 12-16 age group but I mean this was one step up from the Teen Choice awards...is someone going to get slimed next year?

[Kaitlin]

I stopped paying attention to pop music around the year 2002. so i literally know almost no-one that you posted about. that's so strange. i know who britney spears is. but that's pretty much straight up it. pop music is beyond horrible at this point. thank you for posting about this and reaffirming that i am not missing out on anything.