Clearly, we've learned nothing

Worst VMAs ever! Every year I say it because every year it's true. But this year it was especially true -- if last year's chaotic VMAs was a train wreck, this year's was a model train set. Wholesome and going absolutely nowhere, the 2008 VMAs sucked and it's not exactly MTV's fault. The effort to streamline and present something dynamic was evident throughout, especially in many of the performances, whose film-set-integrating set-ups were inevitably more complex than the actual songs being performed.

No, the fault rests on us, or what's left of the music-buying public, who seem content with the blandification of our pop culture. So many things in the past one-and-a-half years have damaged pop music almost to the point of destruction. Jordin Sparks, she who is as personality-free as she is sexless (a fistful of rings will do nothing to help either), won American Idol; Leona Lewis brought a tide of nondescript sonic wallpaper to these shores, opening up the door for everyone to give adult contemporary anther try; squeaky clean teen fare like High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers (a three-man rendition of Greg Brady's Johnny Bravo persona, in my estimation) hit cultural juggernaut status; Katy Perry introduced Girls Gone Wild-style pseudo-sexuality to pop music and people were still titillated despite having seen thousands of infomercials (as a peddler of counterfeit edginess, Katy Perry is nothing but Diablo Cody with an actual stripper's body, instead of a former stripper's body). And on and on and on. It's times like these that you're happy to have someone as unpredictably trashy as Miley Cyrus commanding attention. Which is to say: we're fucked.

For no better and much, much worse, the VMAs captured pop music's dire state this year. After the jump, a few more brief lessons the VMAs taught us that we already knew anyway.

- Sex sells...jokes

Russell Brand's main function as MC was to tell people how amazing every performance was (helpful, as we'd never gather that from watching them) and to tell jokes about one of two subjects: Republicans and the Jonas Brothers' sexuality. It's not that those aren't worthy targets for ridicule, it's just that midway into the show, their bull's eyes had already been shot out. Anyway, he must have hit a nerve when he implied homosexual relations with one of the boys and mocked their purity rings because Jordin Sparks took the stage to tell us all with a conservative's condescension...

"I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut."

And I'm just like, bitch, your words imply your chastity, but your blowjobface says otherwise.

Anyway, this caused Russell to make a weird, probably false apology to the Jonas Brothers soon after, who listened to this without a hint of amusement.

And you know what? Fuck them and their stupid little anti-cockrings. If T.I. can put on a cordial face when Jamie Foxx is tastelessly joking about his imminent jail time (a much graver subject than imminent sexy time)...

...these little coquettes can suck it up. It's really fun, promise! But then again, T.I. is getting laid. It's easier to have a sense of humor about yourself when that's the case.

- Rihanna is her hair

It really was the most exciting thing about both of her performances, which: WHY THE FUCK IS RIHANNA ALWAYS DOING MULTIPLE PERFORMANCES AT THIS SHIT WHEN SHE CAN'T FUCKING SING? Not saying I don't enjoy her, just saying I'd rather hear her voice autotuned and normalized. And what's worse is being asked to perform so much is going to her head as evident in the just-shy-of-unlistenable "Disturbia" ad libs. And don't even get me started on the "Numa Numa" shit in the T.I. duet. I mean, really, guys? In 2008? Is the Star Wars kid going to be in that video? Will you premiere it via Napster? Perhaps you might promote it via the fresh concept of social networking? Please send the answers to these questions to my AOL address. In other words, get with the times! Plus, I'm chafed that T.I. didn't bring down the house by rounding up all his boys and performing the far superior "Swagger Like Us." That said, even when T.I. underwhelms...

...he remains sexy while doing so.

- Lil Wayne is not Jesus

You know, if I never sought out his non-single material, I think I would hate Lil Wayne. I'm so sick of hearing about his money and I'm even more sick of this person...

...a) imploring me to take my money out and show it (MYOB, ringmaster -bastard) and b) being one of the only people in pop music whose presence on a track almost guarantees a hit. I want T-Pain out of my life, and there's no real way to accomplish that. He's like an annoying co-worker in that respect.

And, just to put everything in perspective, here's how lame the Wayne/Pain performance was:

It says more than I ever could, at least.

- Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are worthless

They couldn't even pull off a 30-second promo spot. They were incoherent for the brand that keeps them and their egos fed. WORTHLESS.

- This is not a good look

Well, it isn't.

- The Pussycat Dolls persevere

But barely! They had the longest speech of the night, in my estimation. Probably because they know this is as serious of an award they'll ever get. Possibly because every awards show they do make it to could always be their last. Their 15 minutes have been up for about an hour now, you know?

- Björk still hasn't learned how to present herself appropriately at awards shows

Oh wait. That's not Björk. I wish it were Björk. Can we make it be Björk, please?

- There are no new ideas

Nothing says creative bankruptcy like a revamped version of your first single to lead your upcoming greatest hits album that only spans three albums anyway. Christina Aguilera performed an electroclash version of "Genie in a Bottle" and then the electro-glam "Keeps Gettin' Better." And so, to achieve that future sound she says she's attempting, she dips into her past, as well as Madonna's (and that sound was moldy in 2005!) and Goldfrapp's. The inflated sense of self of Alison Goldfrapp, who seems to think she's an innovator, is thisclose to popping.

I thought Kid Rock's album was selling inexplicably well...

...and then I realized that an interpolation of the perennial-favorite-slash-bane-of-my-existence "Sweet Home Alabama" is what's floating this thing. As long as there's nostalgia and people who make mountains out of beer cans, Kid Rock will always have a job.

I mean, even people couldn't even come original with their tongues. Britney did this...

...and moments later, Katy Perry did that:

What, are we all Cher now?

The only person who really did something different, I think, was Kanye.

Granted, Kanye's version of doing something different was still wrapped up in his ego (it was different for him, see, because he was singing and not rapping, but even the track itself became almost immediately samey with a static melody and a musical backing that does, like, two things at most and one of those things is remind me of Björk's Volta). And yet, it was the performance of the night, and you know that if Kanye was the highlight of an awards show, instead of being, you know, a cancer on it, shit is dire.

- Life is unfair

Not that the VMAs award quality, like, ever, but "Piece of Me" is so objectively boring and ugly and shitty that awarding it three times is just political. It's just to keep up appearances, not unlike getting a new curly weave installed. Britney bombs a year ago (although that opening was infinitely more entertaining than the one she did this time) and gets rewarded for it. Hooray for her. But you know what? MTV is just as far up its own ass as any pop star if it thinks that giving out three meaningless statues to Britney Spears constitutes a comeback for her.

You all deserve each other.

Comments

[sarah]

a few hours of your life that youll never get back, and for that i am very sorry. :(

[Jelena Vukosav]

I completely agree with this Rich. I watched last night over a stream (it was early morning here) and it was the most boring show ever!!! I suffer from insomania and it was putting me to sleep....aghhh
great review

[Erika]

I just want to say thank you for that Rihanna comment. I thought I was seriously the only one taking crazy pills or something, because I truly believe that chick can NOT sing.

[marlo]

Thank you for confirming everything I thought about the show. All the hype on Brit's opening made it seem like it was going to be something worthwhile. I thought it was vapid and pointless - kind of like the rest of the show. I wished with all my might that Lil Wayne's pants would just go ahead and fall down so he would learn his lesson once and for all. And I actually felt sympathy for Kid Rock b/c you could tell he was the ONLY person in the room that was into his song...and he even seemed to lose interest half way through.

[Jay]

What fucking authority does MTV have over pop culture anyways? They play shitty videos as filler at 5 AM. They don't even play the whole video on TRL. The rest is The Hills and True Life: Jersey Shore Time Share 2. It makes me sad that it's still a conduit of pop culture, corrupting today's youth with this milquetoast, whitebread, boring-ass music.

and also fuck Katy Perry, or rather fingerblast and scissor Katy Perry. Don't tell me how you're kinda bi casue you kissed a girl, come back when you've face planted in some vag. Until then stop using someone else's sexuality to sell your music.

[Lucy]

I am going to suggest that whenever you are linked on another blog, you also get the honor of remaining sexy while doing so. It's maybe my favorite ONTD invention. It deserves its own wiki site.

[spazmo]

Like Cheryl from upthread, I'm also hopelessly out of the loop. That's one reason I love your pop culture coverage.

Amazing how these people are famous for just about anything you can think of besides any discernable musical ability.

Seriously, the one dude is mostly known for his low-hangers, half the others would be nobodies without reality tv or the fucking Disney Channel, most of the women are contractually obliged to be pantiless skanks, and the remainder are either has-beens or hangers-on. Incredible.

[CHICK]

I could not agree more. I do have to make a comment on several things that did make my stomach hurl while attempting to watch the VMAs. I had to channel surf during any moment of Russell Brand on the show. He was spastic and a moron. I loved how he had to bring up the fact that he was a "really big celebrity in Britain" and repeated himself. As much as I loved Britney's album, we know she didn't deserve any award. Rhianna's intro, I had to turn it once she opened her mouth. I was afraid I was going to go into an epilleptic seizure from her banshee singing. And I couldn't agree more on Paramour's singer. I loved how the camera/editors kept trying to cut out her crab-crawling snatch scratch fever, on second thought, perhaps it was ode to MJ.

[Stephen]

Love you, Rich, and I love this recap, as per usual.

I'm a little surprised, though, that you made no mention of P!nk's performance? I'm really curious what you made of it. (Apparently it didn't make enough of an impression to get a mention?)

Love or hate her, for me she was sort of the highlight of the night. She sounded awesome, and she sang live (unlike, say, Xtina, despite giving her high-and-mighty attitude about always singing live in, oh, every interview of her I've ever read). She looked better than I would've thought she was capable of looking. (Killer hair, guurl.)

All that, and I think she's the only one who actually utilized the "Hollywood movie studio back lot" to any degree of effectiveness. Sure, breaking glass and pyrotechnics were cheezy, but it was the VMAs for g-d's sake.

[kepster]

John Legend's uncomfortable look reminded me of Mike Meyers when Kanye said that George Bush doesn't care about black people. Russell Brand doesn't care about virgins!
And John, some of us girls DO want to be sluts...mmmm...

[ana]

actually lil wayne is jesus

[randy]

yes yes yes! ...i love you and your witty, insightful commentary. That whole mtv smothered production was a joke!

You eloquently say everything that my mind would like to but my mouth(or fingers in this case) fails to do so. Thank you!

[mariaaaaa]

Your review plus MichaelK at dlisted's liveblogging means I don't have to watch this garbage. And for that I thank you.

MTV bites great big fetid donkey balls.

[Vanessa]

I couldn't summon up enough interest in Jordin Sparks to even form an opinion of her until now. So every girl that doesn't wear a promise ring is a slut? Now at least I have an opinion of of her: douchebag. Why do I or you or anyone besides their parents know who Spencer and Heidi are? MTV you are dead to me-er, except when True Life is on because that show is occasionally cool.

I remember when the VMA's were appointment television. Of course, that was about when our current crop of ANTM hopefuls were in Pullups. Oh my Hell as our mutual heroine might say.

[Brad]

Damn....I was afraid you'd cover this garbage instead of doing the ANTM recap after your post last week.

Yes, this show sucks every year now. It's the people's choice awards now, and the peopl evoting are 15. Trust me, leaving this show in the past and never looking back is the best medicine.

Wow - I haven't caught this show for a while and it was painfully bad, and I know it's not because I'm nearing my late 20's and feeling out of touch. Jokes sucked, music sucked, stars sucked. What happened to rock stars? Or even pop stars??

[Haver Cole]

Jordan Sparks can suck it.

There is a middle ground and when you get older and have lost your real virginity after using your ass for most of high school ( I knew a girl who did this) you will understand...

Thanks,
BF

[Rachel D.]

"No, the fault rests on us, or what's left of the music-buying public, who seem content with the blandification of our pop culture."

Yes. THIS.
I've never been able to decide if I resent MTV for pandering to the modern "music"-buying public or whether I resent said public for forcing MTV to be what it is. All I know is that whatever integrity the channel had back in the late-80's/early-90's is long, long gone and never coming back.

And don't get me started on the pointlessness of holding a Video Music Awards ceremony on a channel that rarely shows music videos anymore. Or - at least - good ones. I mean, Britney bringing home three awards for a video that amounts to a bunch of gyrating and costume changes? Really?

[Katie]

They were background noise, but I enjoyed them. I thought Russel Brand was pretty funny. Kind of the male Kathy Griffin. Plus Britney looked good.

[Keyla]

God fucking bless you for this review. You hit the nail on the head with every critique.

[Brittany]

Word.

[ms shai]

Ahh Rich, Lil Wayne was the best performance of the night. He was the only one at this clusterfuck that seemed genuinely happy to be there, and genuinely happy to be performing. Can't you see it, doesn't it warm your heart?

[pricolatino]

Well, if the blind item is true... two of the Jonas brothers have already wet their whistle. I guess that means their ring finger is still pure.

[duane]

I really did LOL when I read what you said about Rihanna. While, I do enjoy her music, she really shouldn't be highlighting her inability to sing live. Seriously, record that shit, and lip sync like Janet and Britney have been doing for years! Learn!

[Miss Lisa]

I avoided this like the plague, so thanks for the wrap-up. I used to worry as I approached my 40s that I would become a moldy relic and miss out on new pop culture excitement but I can honestly say: I'm glad I'm not young today. I hate most of today's music culture and its vapid, commodified imagery.

It's like that episode of "The Jetsons" (or was it "The Flintsones"?) where the adults travel to the distant future where all teenagers are well-mannered, dance the fox trot, and only listen to adult contemporary. I may be a moldy relic, but I can now find relevance in cartoon satires of the 60s.