Clearly, we've learned nothing

Worst VMAs ever! Every year I say it because every year it's true. But this year it was especially true -- if last year's chaotic VMAs was a train wreck, this year's was a model train set. Wholesome and going absolutely nowhere, the 2008 VMAs sucked and it's not exactly MTV's fault. The effort to streamline and present something dynamic was evident throughout, especially in many of the performances, whose film-set-integrating set-ups were inevitably more complex than the actual songs being performed.

No, the fault rests on us, or what's left of the music-buying public, who seem content with the blandification of our pop culture. So many things in the past one-and-a-half years have damaged pop music almost to the point of destruction. Jordin Sparks, she who is as personality-free as she is sexless (a fistful of rings will do nothing to help either), won American Idol; Leona Lewis brought a tide of nondescript sonic wallpaper to these shores, opening up the door for everyone to give adult contemporary anther try; squeaky clean teen fare like High School Musical and the Jonas Brothers (a three-man rendition of Greg Brady's Johnny Bravo persona, in my estimation) hit cultural juggernaut status; Katy Perry introduced Girls Gone Wild-style pseudo-sexuality to pop music and people were still titillated despite having seen thousands of infomercials (as a peddler of counterfeit edginess, Katy Perry is nothing but Diablo Cody with an actual stripper's body, instead of a former stripper's body). And on and on and on. It's times like these that you're happy to have someone as unpredictably trashy as Miley Cyrus commanding attention. Which is to say: we're fucked.

For no better and much, much worse, the VMAs captured pop music's dire state this year. After the jump, a few more brief lessons the VMAs taught us that we already knew anyway.

- Sex sells...jokes

Russell Brand's main function as MC was to tell people how amazing every performance was (helpful, as we'd never gather that from watching them) and to tell jokes about one of two subjects: Republicans and the Jonas Brothers' sexuality. It's not that those aren't worthy targets for ridicule, it's just that midway into the show, their bull's eyes had already been shot out. Anyway, he must have hit a nerve when he implied homosexual relations with one of the boys and mocked their purity rings because Jordin Sparks took the stage to tell us all with a conservative's condescension...

"I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut."

And I'm just like, bitch, your words imply your chastity, but your blowjobface says otherwise.

Anyway, this caused Russell to make a weird, probably false apology to the Jonas Brothers soon after, who listened to this without a hint of amusement.

And you know what? Fuck them and their stupid little anti-cockrings. If T.I. can put on a cordial face when Jamie Foxx is tastelessly joking about his imminent jail time (a much graver subject than imminent sexy time)...

...these little coquettes can suck it up. It's really fun, promise! But then again, T.I. is getting laid. It's easier to have a sense of humor about yourself when that's the case.

- Rihanna is her hair

It really was the most exciting thing about both of her performances, which: WHY THE FUCK IS RIHANNA ALWAYS DOING MULTIPLE PERFORMANCES AT THIS SHIT WHEN SHE CAN'T FUCKING SING? Not saying I don't enjoy her, just saying I'd rather hear her voice autotuned and normalized. And what's worse is being asked to perform so much is going to her head as evident in the just-shy-of-unlistenable "Disturbia" ad libs. And don't even get me started on the "Numa Numa" shit in the T.I. duet. I mean, really, guys? In 2008? Is the Star Wars kid going to be in that video? Will you premiere it via Napster? Perhaps you might promote it via the fresh concept of social networking? Please send the answers to these questions to my AOL address. In other words, get with the times! Plus, I'm chafed that T.I. didn't bring down the house by rounding up all his boys and performing the far superior "Swagger Like Us." That said, even when T.I. underwhelms...

...he remains sexy while doing so.

- Lil Wayne is not Jesus

You know, if I never sought out his non-single material, I think I would hate Lil Wayne. I'm so sick of hearing about his money and I'm even more sick of this person...

...a) imploring me to take my money out and show it (MYOB, ringmaster -bastard) and b) being one of the only people in pop music whose presence on a track almost guarantees a hit. I want T-Pain out of my life, and there's no real way to accomplish that. He's like an annoying co-worker in that respect.

And, just to put everything in perspective, here's how lame the Wayne/Pain performance was:

It says more than I ever could, at least.

- Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are worthless

They couldn't even pull off a 30-second promo spot. They were incoherent for the brand that keeps them and their egos fed. WORTHLESS.

- This is not a good look

Well, it isn't.

- The Pussycat Dolls persevere

But barely! They had the longest speech of the night, in my estimation. Probably because they know this is as serious of an award they'll ever get. Possibly because every awards show they do make it to could always be their last. Their 15 minutes have been up for about an hour now, you know?

- Björk still hasn't learned how to present herself appropriately at awards shows

Oh wait. That's not Björk. I wish it were Björk. Can we make it be Björk, please?

- There are no new ideas

Nothing says creative bankruptcy like a revamped version of your first single to lead your upcoming greatest hits album that only spans three albums anyway. Christina Aguilera performed an electroclash version of "Genie in a Bottle" and then the electro-glam "Keeps Gettin' Better." And so, to achieve that future sound she says she's attempting, she dips into her past, as well as Madonna's (and that sound was moldy in 2005!) and Goldfrapp's. The inflated sense of self of Alison Goldfrapp, who seems to think she's an innovator, is thisclose to popping.

I thought Kid Rock's album was selling inexplicably well...

...and then I realized that an interpolation of the perennial-favorite-slash-bane-of-my-existence "Sweet Home Alabama" is what's floating this thing. As long as there's nostalgia and people who make mountains out of beer cans, Kid Rock will always have a job.

I mean, even people couldn't even come original with their tongues. Britney did this...

...and moments later, Katy Perry did that:

What, are we all Cher now?

The only person who really did something different, I think, was Kanye.

Granted, Kanye's version of doing something different was still wrapped up in his ego (it was different for him, see, because he was singing and not rapping, but even the track itself became almost immediately samey with a static melody and a musical backing that does, like, two things at most and one of those things is remind me of Björk's Volta). And yet, it was the performance of the night, and you know that if Kanye was the highlight of an awards show, instead of being, you know, a cancer on it, shit is dire.

- Life is unfair

Not that the VMAs award quality, like, ever, but "Piece of Me" is so objectively boring and ugly and shitty that awarding it three times is just political. It's just to keep up appearances, not unlike getting a new curly weave installed. Britney bombs a year ago (although that opening was infinitely more entertaining than the one she did this time) and gets rewarded for it. Hooray for her. But you know what? MTV is just as far up its own ass as any pop star if it thinks that giving out three meaningless statues to Britney Spears constitutes a comeback for her.

You all deserve each other.

Comments

[filthpunkdammit]

last year i claimed that pop had eaten itself. this year, i am proved right.

[SarahD]

"Please send the answers to these questions to my AOL address."
*win*

The sad thing is, people like Jordin say things like that and then go back to their little friends and pat themselves on the back for being bitchy in public in the guise of standing up. They'll never get how bitchy they really sounded.

[meeta]

You summed up exactly how I felt about the show. I kept watching in hopes it would get better...only to be utterly disappointed in the end.

[Lucky]

I always look forward to the VMAs, but the combination of Britney's awkward intro, Russell Brand's cringeworthy monologue and Britney winning a VMA for a shitty video made me switch over to The View. At least I'll know what to look for when I Tivo that shit later.

[Chuck Bastard]

You sound so bitter and retarded. Waawaawaa go read a book or listen to more Bjork. All Bjork fans are the same: gay and pretentious.

[SteveC]

The comments by Jordin Sparks don't even make sense.

Sparks claims that sex before marriage makes one a slut, thus the promise to avoid premarital sex is what purity rings signify. She goes on to defend her purity ring by saying not everyone wants to be a slut, i.e. have sex before marriage. This is where her argument falls apart! If in fact, not everyone wanted to have sex before marriage (how she defines being slutty), what is the point of the ring? Is it a token of avoiding something that is utterly meaningless to her? A celebration of not doing what she doesn't want to do? If so, whatever, it's a free country, just don't be militant and bitchy about it. Unless she actually does want to have sex (ie wants to be a slut (as she stupidly defines it)) and is repressing her inner slut by releasing her inner bitch.

Therefore Jordin Sparks is definitely a bitch or a slut, maybe both.

[Kath]

Your indictment of the music buying public is so spot on. I don't listen to pop music, but I don't want it to die! I want its stars to be crazy and trashy and interesting and at least a LITTLE bit talented.. Anyway, I like "Piece of Me." That's my only criticism.

[BartenderJay]

The VMA's were last night? Shit, does that mean I've missed the Blockbuster awards?!?!

[mincusnaja]

Rich, Rich, Rich. You are truly the bomb.com. Everything you say is spot on. I love you and your sexy brain.

[kate]

I'm so happy I have no idea who 90% of the people above are.

Maybe everybody should stop paying attention?

[Y]

The endless appearances by people from The Hills was good enough reason not to watch. Seriously, who are the people who actually CARE about Spencer and Heidi? Gah.

I still have this dream that one day we will watch TV together.

[Stephie]

I said the same thing about that Björk kid. Three things disturbed me about the show:

1. Russell Brand's "beating the Jackson 5 with a belt" "joke".

2. I don't know if this ran in your area, but the "Full Bar" commercial. Marketing weight loss products to Jonas Brothers fans? Are you kidding me?

3. "Piece of Me" was made during the height of Britney Spears' breakdown. Reportedly she was so messed up when they ffilmed that bathroom part, when she returned to restaurant a few months later she insisted that she had never been there before. Why reward her "comeback" with that?

HOWEVER I sort of loved Katy Perry's banana-peeling outfit.

[scamps]

Is it sad that at the age of 22 (wait, no, 23 in a couple of days), I already feel too old for this shit?

I only watched the VMAs this year in an attempt to distract myself after going into a batshit crazy crying fit over the ending of United 93 on TNT. The damn thing looked like it was held in my living room. Seriously, were those cafeteria chairs they were sitting on?

I really wanted to dislike Russell Brand, I really really did. Yet dispite all the craptacular jokes, there was still SOMETHING that drew me to him.

Oh, Jordin. Poor, naive little hypocrite. For a minute I thought I was in Williams-Sonoma, because I swore I saw a pot next to a kettle. Tell me, does my getting married cancel out my slut status, or should I keep looking for that scarlet letter to pin upon my chest? The sad thing is, no one in the mainstream media will call her on her own bullshit - she'll probably be considered a hero, because dammit if those slutty whores don't deserve what they get! Now on with the abstainence-only education!

And where did Perez Hilton get off being so high-and-mighty in the post-show? At least I can take comfort in the fact that the windbag will probably be irrelevant in a few years.

Overall, everyone looked like they were in pain from just being there.

[Bart]

I showed your post to my boyfriend this morning, saying "OMG, look at Bjork" and we talked about the picture a little bit before I scrolled down and you finally wrote that it's not her. You got me. :)

[JShayBurmez]

First of all, I don't believe that the JoBro's are virgins. They're hottie teens with screaming girl fans. I bet they shared groupies with Tokio Hotel after the show.... that is unless they were just sleeping with Tokio Hotel after the show.

I love how BritBrit "deserved" to win because she's finally back down to the size she used to be, and Mtv is going to use this in order to talk about how they "re-started her failing career" in VMA and Britney specials for the next five years.

And finally, Jordin Sparks hasn't given us enough singles to be a slut, anyway.

PS why does Katy Perry wear so many acrobat costumes? Is she doing a side project with T-Pain?

[AJ]

Did anyone notice that even ANTM6's Kim Stolz--apparently now a MTV correspondent--was hesitant to offend by strangely acting straight and flirting with Russell Brand in the post-show? Perhaps I'm looking a little too closely into what was probably a joke on Stolz's part, but all I know is something's messed up when Perez Hilton starts defending promise rings.

[WaaayOut]

I only saw Jordin Sparks promise ring comment (nothing else) and I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought promise rings were what horny teenage boys gave their girlfriends to get some pusseau, like a pre-engagement ring... one step above the letterman's jacket.

Shows what I know. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

[KeiferNandez]

I just like Jordin Sparks' assertion that she's celibate by choice.

[chachwitablog]

re: the Xtina (LOVE calling her that) performance/songs: I agree that neither is original, but are you also saying you don't like them? I actually thought the revamped "Genie" sounded MAD good (albeit unoriginal) and I am obsessed with getting the full version now and/or hearing it on a dancefloor.
I also think her new "keeps gettin better" is good and, at the very least, shows she doesn't mind going melisma-free for a song (more or less).

I agree that Jordin Sparks needs to lose the 'tude, and yet I am somehow oddly glad that she said what she said, if only because Russel Brand was just really disappointing and un-funny nearly the entire time.

great review otherwise. I'm just sad Britney didn't actually perform a banging number.

[hellmouse]

Excellent review, boring show.

All I could think during the T.I. song was, yes, in fact, he DOES remain sexy while doing so. No matter what he does. Who knew.

[kyle]

when 'touch my body' lost to 'piece of me' in the first fifteen minutes, i knew this whole show was going to shit on my face.

[fb]

now that this horrid stench is past us,
let us rejoice on a full on beaming fierceness recap of ANTM.

[J-Mo]

Jordin Sparks is just pissed because there are very few guys who want to fuck a Wookiee. She should never go sleeveless and strapless if she wants to avoid this comparison. Especially when standing next to John Legend. Fugly always hates on Slutty anyhow, it's a total jealousy thing. The only way a promise-ring can keep your virginity pure is if they have to fuck you through the middle of it.

You are a rainbow light from heaven, Rich, and I love you...

love, J-Mo :)

[LoveMyselfFirst]

So Rich, the VMAs were wack. You're absolutely right.

Can we have our ANTM post please? Pretty please with a Jonas Brother cherry on top.Kthxbai :oP

[Spin sycle]

full of WIN