"I wanna be...on top!" said Brittany. You know you're doomed when your a-ha moment is already interwoven in the fabric of your reality show's universe. We know you wanna be on top, Brittany. We heard the theme song.
Perhaps more hilariously: the last thing we heard Brittany say was, "I'm too bright of a star to just fade away." That was immediately followed by this:
She just had no idea about the way this thing works.
Before we begin, I would like to inform you that I never loved my mom. Just throwing it out there randomly and singularly as I figuratively walk across the room! Anyway...
21. Samantha
I know that qualifying tears as needless on this show goes without saying so much that I might as well be informing you that they're wet and salty...but seriously, these tears are needless.
22. Elina
These are not and are totally justified. They sewed a wig into this girl's head. Who did they think she was, Cassandra? I mean, I know it's not an actual wig, and I'm not saying that curly red hair can't be pretty (fuck the status quo!), but that look is so...wig. They're, like, condemning her to a week of Thursdays. Watch this count against Elina when she proves to be less versatile than she should be. They would so not grade on a curve. They'd be all, "Just because we're sewing hair to your scalp doesn't mean you have to accept it. There's a balance to achieve..."
23. Brittany
Thanks for pointing it out, gurrrl. Otherwise, I never would have believed that you were fucking crying over J saying you were pretty. So, he condemned you to a life of a trophy wife. There are worse things! What a nutcase.
24. Annaleigh
Aw, Annaleigh. When life gives you lemons just say...
"Yo."
(Alternately, I hear that, "Screw that, let's order pizza," is also effective.)
OK, so can I interrupt the Crying Count to extol the virtues of Annaleigh and, more specifically, the fact that she said, "Yo," at the end of her impromptu Wal-Mart/CoverGirl commercial? As in, "Leave it to the professionals. Leave it to CoverGirl...Yo!" I bet it came down to "yo" and "fiddlesticks" and "yo" won an imaginary coin-toss in her head. "Yo!" Just like all the cool kids say! "Yo!" That is so outrageously appropriate for a girl who seems to trust Hilary Duff and Poochie equally as style icons
The point is that I love this girl and I want her to stay around as long as possible and seeing her cry fucked me up a little.
Yo.
25. Brittany
You know, if someone told me that I could be a football player's trophy wife, I wouldn't spend my time crying; I'd spend it masturbating in anticipation.
Luckily no one has and so I press on, doing work that needs to be done. For example:
"In going through your film, like, you did these really pretty soft shots, and then you did your come-get-me-boys-I'm-about-to-tooch-my-booty-up-and-push-my-chest-out-and...so you gave tons of options."
You'll notice if you listen to the sound file that she says "toot" instead of "tooch." I had to fix it to make it a Tyraism. Sigh. Must I do all the work?
And seriously in its original state, it's just so false. Tooting your booty up isn't the best way to catch dudes. Is she trying to raise a nation of Cameron Diazes?
"Yourself doesn't mean...(Paulina: Yourself). It's your model self."
Everyone got that? No? Great!
"This to me looks like a high-end, edgy, boutique hotel ad." But on what Riviera and how many stars is this hotel, Captain Specific?
Also, this isn't quite a Tyraism, but I think it's relevant all the same:
It looks like an animal with worms scooted its ass across the top of her chest and achieved a goal that is typically elusive. It was probably a golden calf because we all know that Tyra's down with false prophets.
Hey golden calf with ass worms: Annaleigh says...
Yo.
1. MAKEOVER EPISODE!!!! The biannual event in which we get to watch girls cry as the fug flies! Yay!
The most exciting thing?
The return of Tyra's long, flowing hand motion to denote long, flowing extensions. I know the whole fairy godmother thing was completely queer, but I think the gesture more than made up for it. I don't understand why she had to have white shit in her eyes that made them look completely blind...
It's like, bitch, you ain't Storm. But you know, she probably thinks she controls the weather and I'd rather just let her think that and laugh derisively at the way her delusion manifests itself. You know how I do!
But maybe the white shit was symbolic of the attention to detail paid in the conception of these makeovers. Glaucoma would explain so much. For the most part, I thought the makeovers were unremarkable. With some exceptions, they sorta just intensified the girls' existing vibes. Is she boyish?
Make her look more so by turning her into Marilyn Manson without makeup (in typical queer ANTM fashion, that's what a boy is).
I mean, this?
Complete and utter wishful thinking. I think Tyra was wearing some sort of white shit over her brain when she made that comparison.
Is she timid and prone to rodent-like tics?
Make her totally mousy!
Is she a complete wet noodle of a young lady?
Give her a ramen 'do!
I really do think that Elina might have gotten the worst. Makeover. In. The. History. Of. America's. Next. Top. Model. for reasons mentioned above. But while it was happening, I thought it was going to come out so much worse.
Like some Carrot Top-Bernadette Peters test-tube baby shit, as cultivated in Angelina Jolie's baby-making laboratory.
The final result?
Y'know, it doesn't detract from her beauty as long as she keeps up with it...
...which is seriously a full-time job. You snooze...
...you look like it. It looks like that weave fell asleep and is having night terrors.
So yeah, uh, good luck Elina!
But ultimately, it serves her right, maybe a little. She talked about it flying in the face of "this image I'm creating for myself" and I know that people believe in branding and shit, especially when you're a model, but ugh, it's so gauche to talk about how you're constructing yourself to be whatever. Just chill the fuck out, attain peace and yo, Elina.
Just yo.
The quote of the cycle so far could very well have come from Clark regarding her makeover: "I might have brown hair now, but I'm still blonde inside." First of all, I'm sure someone fed her that line because it's just too perfect. It's such a blonde thing to say. Second of all, in a way, now she knows how Isis feels...
...especially since she's full-blown hardcore tranny at this point.
As for a departure gone right...
Totally amazing. Fairy Godgod Tyra kept using the phrase "edged out," when she was describing the glaucomafied impetus for these looks and in my head I was all, "Stop trying to make 'edged out' happen!" But with Sam, she did! And it was beautiful.
Oh, and I've decided that Sam's narrow bird-like features are less Samantha Fox (sadly) and more like another '80s diva, Bonnie Tyler. With her new makeover in place, here's a rough sketch of Sam's vibe:
Yeah, she's got a holding-out-for-a-konichiwa thing going on.
And finally, there is Hannah who is not giving a blowjobface in the shot below, because she comes from a small town and people don't give blowjobs in small towns.
Although given her probable level of experience, I wouldn't expect anything less tooth-filled in a blowjob from Hannah. Anyway, this was, yet again, an intensifying of already existing qualities. It's square, it's childish, it's reminiscent of perhaps Matilda or a children's literature character I enjoy even more...
For real.
The sequel?
Homegirl is straight up on the Newbery Honor tip.
2. But perhaps you disagree with my assessment of what these new looks make the girls resemble. In fact, I'm pretty certain that you do per my inbox, which was heavily concentrated with messages telling me what the girls look like. Thank you, all. I, too, wear white shit over my eyes sometimes at home. For fun, mainly, but also to freak out Winston. It hasn't worked so far, but hey, I've got the time and the moxie.
Anyway, the point is that a lot of the "Such and such looks like such and such" emails that I receive are clever, but unless it's an extreme case, I'm wary to incorporate such things into my recaps because I don't want to be taking credit for other people's ideas. But enough people have been sending in stuff that I'm going to try out a (semi-?) regular feature of reader submissions called From the Jelly Bag. Mostly, I just want the excuse to use the term "jelly bag" more often. Who needs a mail bag when you've got a jelly one?
And so, here's the first round of separated-at-birth-type comparisons From the Jelly Bag:
Katie F. compares Elina to Mike Commodore:
I never knew such a person existed, but apparently he's a hockey player. I discovered him via ANTM. I think the only gayer way to become aware of a hockey player is if my ass accidentally landed on his hockey stick.
Nyree M. compares Samantha to S Club 7's Hannah Spearritt...
I see it! Also, I cannot believe that this woman's real name is Spearritt. You can do whatever you want with itt, just keep it away from my ass, k?
Tremayne B. says that Hannah looks "like the lawyer lady that Jim Carrey had sex with in Liar, Liar" but I don't know who that is because I've never seen that movie. Alternately, he says that she looks like Angelica Huston.
It's a great week for tangential Roald Dahl references!
Also on the Hannah/Newbury tip, Colin M. compares her to Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction...
I like this on in particular because I like the idea of Hannah overdosing on heroin. Not dead-overdose, but haha-overdose.
Hannah B. is responsible for my personal favorite this week, which underscores Clark's gender fluidity...
I think this is dead-on. I've got two words for both Liev and Clark: razor lips.
And finally, someone who goes by Five-Finger Discharge writes, "Tut, tut. In my horribly short breaks from perusing first-edition classics and ironing turtlenecks, I could not help but notice that this Annaleigh character from your sad, pathetic reality show resembles the crass but meritorious authoress and zipless-fuck progenitor Erica Jong."
I agree with this completely. This is mostly because I am Five-Finger Discharge.
So, if you have any comparisons that you'd like to share, I know you're going to email me anyway, but in case you need reminding, get at my jelly bag. Make like Guy (or just a guy) and do me right.
3. You want blowjobface?
That is blowjobface. Joslyn's capable of that and she's a Wal-Mart enthusiast? Be still my heart. That sounds like perfect-woman material, from where I'm sitting...which is on Mike Commodore's hockey stick, so what the hell I do I know? The point is, thank god for Walgreens. I mean, Wal-Mart. Wallever.
Yo.
4. I did love the challenge this week. One thing I miss that they haven't been doing in recent cycles is the elimination-round challenges since the girls would inevitably be put on the spot and forced to perform without much preparation. There is nothing more entertaining than ditzy girls on the fly. Girls Gone Wild taught me that and ANTM confirmed it! Annaleigh's now-classic ('cause I said so and gif'd it and re-gif'd it!) performance this episode shows just how effective this format of challenge can be. In case you need reminding:
Yo.
Oh, and I loved a) Sutan's immediate reaction...
...and b) Sutan's eventual reaction, which was to call Annaleigh's showing "a little ghetto, a little hoodrat." I'm sorry, Sutan, but if that's ghetto, Full House was a hard-hitting portrait of life in the projects. Sutan, if you ain't ever been to the ghetto, don't ever come to the ghetto, 'cause you ain't understand the ghetto. And stay the fuck out of the ghetto. Why me, huh?
5. Oh, and Hannah's victory was easily the second-most entertaining thing to come out of this challenge.
Outside says, "Oh my god, I can't believe I won this challenge!!!"
Inside says, "Oh my god, I can't believe I come from a small town!!!"
I really hope that Hannah is getting a redemption edit soon because as much as I hate her ignorance, I just cannot hate her anymore.
I love that after winning, she enthused, "This is huge. I'm so thrilled. I'm gonna be online. Like, I can Google myself. This is so cool!" Hannah, please do not Google yourself. Please do not read about yourself. If you are reading this, please go put white shit over your eyes for the duration of your time on this show. It will only cause you pain and Goofy guffaws. You will say to yourself, "That's not very nice!" more often than you ever have, and I get the feeling that you talk to yourself a lot. Go away for your own good.
Besides, do they even have Google in Alaska?
Of course, the ultimate irony is that the CoverGirl Wal-Mart page is nearly impossible to find and when you do find it, Claire is still on it from the last Wal-Mart challenge. Yet another way in which Googling can end up in tears. Teenage Googling -- don't do it, Hannah!
6.
Like, really?
This probably happened differently than we saw...or, at least, I hope it did because of Elina really did walk in the room and announce that completely devoid of context, she's a fool. And then to not even feel the need to explain it?
Yo, that's just...
Yo.
If she really handled it as elusively and mysteriously as we saw, I can only assume that this is further branding on her part, which: ew.
However, it does explain her one tattoo.
I zoomed in, and here's what I found:
One mystery solved. As for the other one?
Hmmm...
Uh, yeah. That sounds about right.
And you know, at least Elina's confession gave Brittany the excuse to call her an "evil bitch." That made it all worth it.
7. Gurrrllll....
...please don't start making it hard to call you "gurrrllll." Kthxclose'embye.
Although...
...even though the judges yelled at her, I think this is by far the prettiest Isis has looked so far. She looks sleepy because she looks sleepy, you know? Perhaps this is where the "yourself doesn't mean yourself" thing comes in.
8. Also? Sometimes "yourself" means get some fucking rest.
Why the hell does she look like she rolled out of a circuit party and onto set? Could this be some sort of punishment for her kinda-sorta shit talking about Tyra that she did on Craig Ferguson this week? Clip's here and the shit talking starts around the 5-minute mark. (Thanks, Lizzie V.!) I really hope there is tension between her and Tyra and that it manifests itself in increasingly careworn-faced ways!
9. My homegirl Sheena didn't have much of a role this week, but I did love that Tyra said that her makeover made her look "tropical." Like's she's Nemo or something.
Also?
The fact that she went out of her way to show the judges that she made an effort to smile with her eyes was brilliant. It means that she's "learning," and as long as there aren't any disasters, she'll be around for a while.
Plus, smiling with her eyes was a nice change from last week's smiling with her snatch. Like any good model, Sheena knows how to change things up. She's such a chameleon. A tropical one, even.
10. Except, uh...Sheena's no longer my favorite.
Lauren Brie is. I can't believe how hot she can be. This shot is more amazing than last week's.
This girl is good enough to make me want to call her talented with a straight face. And I don't do that about models! Amazing. Fuck milk, calcium-deficiency does a body good.
Lauren Brie FTW!
11. And finally, there's one matter I've yet to discuss.
It's the Dropped on the Head Players' version of Snow White.
I note this a lot, but clearly it cannot be said enough:
The idea that Jay Manuel is Tyra Banks' touchstone of masculinity, the dudeish alternative to the raging queens in her life, shows just how fucking sheltered this woman is.
I mean, he wears wigs. And you know the reason he does this is because he's been consumed for cycles and cycles that Tyra gets to have all the fake-hair fun.
As always, this self-conscious humor couldn't hold a candle to the accidental humor of the show. But you know, Tyra always gets dogged for being such a megalomaniac and always being, "Me, me, me!" But not here. No. Clearly, this was for us...
And its resulting ass stain?
Icing on the ass-cake. Yes, accidental humor rules, but not always by that much.
Yo.
Elina = Strawberry Shortcake
Posted by: Fendie | September 28, 2008 at 02:58 PM
"I'm sorry, Sutan, but if that's ghetto, Full House was a hard-hitting portrait of life in the projects."
I almost died laughing
Posted by: JP | October 11, 2008 at 03:51 PM
Elina = Joss Stone. Squinty eyes, racial ambiguity and all.
Posted by: Sarah | October 18, 2008 at 01:33 PM
This is a workshop of your life. I need to perfect that "writing my way to another life" technique!
Posted by: Polycarbonate sheet | November 15, 2011 at 08:09 PM
There is no free market for health care. What we have is a bizarre hybrid of socialism and capitalism which combines the worst aspects of both. Thanks for posting this.
Posted by: trike bikes for kids | November 15, 2011 at 08:13 PM