When TLC premiered the pageant documentaries Painted Babies at 17 and Toddlers & Tiaras last month, my inbox brimmed with heads-ups and queries. How would I cover the two most recent entries in a genre that is near to my often conflicted sense of humor? I wouldn't at all (for lack of time, original ideas and a Swan-like muse)...until now. Below is a montage of reliable hilarity from these docs: shots of the parents and coaches miming along and performing what the kids are doing on stage. It's really saying something when you can achieve ridiculousness beyond a toddler with fake hair, teeth, eyelashes and a fuzzy glow to suggest living airbrushing. Pageant parents, I salute you:
this is brilliant
Posted by: Kevin Neal | October 10, 2008 at 11:14 AM
That is enough to give me nightmares for the next two weeks. The clip with the mom mouthing the words to the child's song is brilliant though.
Posted by: Parenthetical Thoughts | October 10, 2008 at 11:17 AM
I love how dumpy all of the mothers are.
Great video.
Posted by: AnnaTechnician | October 10, 2008 at 11:18 AM
If ANY of those moms walked into the studio and commenced such strangeness, my director would probably tase them. We've had a few Stage Moms, and this is EXACTLY what it's like (only scarier).
"Mommy can't help you."
Hey, there's an idea. Do a pageant at a place that has a locked-on-the-outside room to put the parents in. Fill it with tea and cheese and make sure there's no bathroom.
They all reminded me of Tyrag standing up at the C7 fashion show and doing the "hands on hips" thing to Danielle. Am I the only one who wanted to see D do the Crazed Bride segment and end by diving screaming off the walk and popping Tyrag in her letter-producing uterus?
Now the gay guy at the end? We'd take him out to dinner.
My unhealthy Hag crush on Rich has grown by leaps and bounds today (said crush also includes Ian McKellen and Jake Shears). Thank you, wise one. Yo.
Posted by: DLCS | October 10, 2008 at 11:32 AM
I watched one of those documentaries and there was a black gay guy from Texas. Coolest accent I ever heard!
Posted by: Mongoose | October 10, 2008 at 11:34 AM
I always notice the mothers that do this to their children are either fat, white trash or both. Why is that? Are they pushing their "cute" children into pageants to get some sort of validation that they never received as kids? I don't get it. However, I LOVE seeing the tragic trainwrecks play out for the world to see.
You know that gay guy goes home at night and sobs in his pillow when he thinks about what his life has become. :)
Posted by: sonny | October 10, 2008 at 11:41 AM
The girls seem so sad. There is no genuine emotion in anything that they perform. : (
Posted by: Tato | October 10, 2008 at 11:42 AM
Rich: I love you! I feel like crap today and this video is welcome medicine.
I can't decide whether my favorite part is the bored dad in between all the crazy parents (priceless!) or the guy confusing the poor four-year old at the end.
You rock!
Posted by: Connie | October 10, 2008 at 11:52 AM
ha ha ha ha---the last minute of the video nearly had me on the floor...
rich, i know you hear it a lot, but you rule so fucking hard.
mad love.
Posted by: meg | October 10, 2008 at 12:01 PM
This is both hilarious and horrifying. Hilarifying? I generally don't think the government should interfere in how people raise their kids beyond obvious health and welfare issues....oh, screw it, I do believe that. All of these children should be taken away from their parents, stat.
Posted by: JC | October 10, 2008 at 12:05 PM
This my new work out video. After a few weeks my goal is to keep up with the last feller.
Posted by: Natalie | October 10, 2008 at 12:07 PM
I KNEW you'd blog about it sooner or later!!! You've made my Friday so happy!!! I swear this has to be a Southern thing. I've lived in Maine, Massachusetts and New York and aside from the Miss America stuff I've never seen child pageants advertised anywhere around here. I read they're actually not open to the public; that it's mostly empty hotel banquet rooms with the judges, the kids and the parents. The bored father was PRICELESS.
Posted by: scorzi | October 10, 2008 at 12:35 PM
P.S. Not that I'm the thinnest person in the world, but did you notice the bigger the mother, the bigger and/or worst the haircut?
Posted by: scorzi | October 10, 2008 at 12:37 PM
How this can be truly awful AND awesome at the same time is a mystery, but it really is.
Jules
House of Jules
Posted by: HouseofJules | October 10, 2008 at 12:38 PM
Hahaha....I swear I saw some Nutter and that Klinggensmith lady*I can't quite remember how to spell it*... her kid ruined Pop by N'Sync for me for the rest of my life!
Posted by: Cheryl | October 10, 2008 at 12:58 PM
My favorite part was that poor, poor dad in the audience. And the hair...omg the hair! I can't believe in this new millenium that women are still doing that to themselves.
God Bless America.
Posted by: Jess | October 10, 2008 at 12:59 PM
All I can say is....
yo.
Posted by: Janelle | October 10, 2008 at 01:42 PM
HAMs.
I meant the routines; not the moms.
Or maybe I meant the moms, too.
Posted by: p. potter | October 10, 2008 at 02:01 PM
OK, that last part with the gay guy and the teeniest, tiniest little girl - HILARIOUS! NO, seriously, I was cracking up. Thanks Rich!!!
Posted by: Monica C. | October 10, 2008 at 04:39 PM
"And when all else fails, hire a gay man to confuse them."
You've made me see that part of "Living Dolls" in a new light. It now reminds me of Monty Python's "Confuse-a-Cat" skit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2Je1CEPkUM
Posted by: Hannah | October 10, 2008 at 05:25 PM
Okay, so I was feeling completely down after watching some youtube vids of terrifying narrowminded Republican voters, but this slice of hilarity perked me right up. Not only was it ridiculously funny, you also took me back to 1997 care of Gina G. Yay!
Having said that, what kind of lives are these children leading?
Posted by: Laura @ Hungry and Frozen | October 10, 2008 at 06:42 PM
I seriously don't know whether to laugh or cry...
And is it a coincidence that all those mothers are ugly as sin? Projecting much?!?!
Posted by: Daryn | October 10, 2008 at 07:34 PM
After being "pleasantly" awakened by a small earthquake here in Puerto Rico (for a moment there I thought I was possessed), let me just tell you that the video at 1:22 made my day.
You're the best, Rich.
Posted by: Keyla | October 11, 2008 at 08:34 AM
Ohh this was so fricken hilarious! My 2 year old was watching it with me and had the exact same look on her face as the 4 year old with the gay guy. And I wonder, why, if when i started dance school at 5, I had to actually know all the routines without anyone to help, but these mothers have to do EVERYTHING for their kids??? Can't wait for Monday yo!
Posted by: Kelly | October 11, 2008 at 10:10 PM
"When all else fails, hire a gay man to confuse them."
I think that should apply to everything. I wish I had that guy on call? Boss on the rampage? "Ooh, yeah just a little bit.." Fight with the boyfriend? "Oooh yeah, a little bit more..." I need some of that in my life.
I also needed this video, as I, too, have been sucked into the bottomless vortex of gross politics.
Posted by: Messalina 6-5000 | October 12, 2008 at 02:14 AM