Until this episode, each of Lauren Brie's pictures was at least excellent (if not otherworldly) and her body of work as a whole displayed seemingly effortless range and uncanny sexiness that left no indication of a calcium defficiency. But on this episode, she failed to fall up properly. That's right, if you want to be a top model, you must defy gravity fiercely and/or invoke Shel Silverstein. I should be surprised, but since this show is run by someone who's convinced that she can walk on water, I'm not.
31. Lauren Brie
No, really, this is a major loss. Seriously. Swear!
32. Elina
A fake tear begets...
33. Elina
...real tears beget...
34. Elina
...even more real tears. When it rains it pours! And to think that all it took to break her steely exterior was a little glycerine and a mandate. When it comes to submission, clearly this woman has been raised well.
35. Joslyn
She thinks her nose is big. In related matters, do I look fat in this blog?
36. Elina
And here, Elina cries because her photo-shoot tears are deemed not good enough. Tears over tears that came as a result of fake tears! Oh, Elina, your meta moxie is really quite becoming. I'm in the market for a new favorite, too...
37. Sheena
When it came down to Lauren Brie and Sheena, I had a pang because I knew that either would be a major loss. Though I hate to see Lauren Brie go, I'm glad that Sheena ended up sticking around, if only because she thinks that she's on a sitcom and so she provides intentional comedic relief. In not getting it, she's the only one who gets it.
38. Lauren Brie
That's not a hug. It's a vampiric blood transfusion.
39. Lauren Brie
Oh well, at least Lauren Brie has "tons of friends at home" to help her cope. I'm glad that this show didn't beat the inflated sense of self out of her! Whatever, this is for the best because she got to get her face out there via the show, but her short stay minimized the potential ANTM stigma she'll face when she actually gets signed (which she probably is already). See you on Models in Action, my love!
In other matters, I fucked up the Tyraisms this week. Instead of posting them, I was going to do a video in which I "interacted" with her. I wanted her to teach me a teach about analingus. I don't know, it made sense, what with all the "Put power in your lips!" "Harder! Harder! Harder! Nice!" and "Fill it with something!" sound bites. But then I started and it was just so stupid and not worth carrying through. I overestimated myself yet again.
Sorry. Since my video-grabbing process is much like my gif-making process these days (thank god for Macs), I offer this mini-gif wall in the form of consolation.
So we don't have actual quotes. Big deal. As Robin S., once said, actions speak louder than words. Especially when those actions don't really say anything.
1. The photo shoot was dubbed this:
But the whole episode could have been called:
First of all, Tyra's "teach" more than matched the uselessness of calling a lesson (or challenge) a "teach."
"Surfer chick" is not a pose.
"Top model of the world" is especially not a pose, nor is it unique to Elina. Don't they all want to be a top model of the world? Regardless of whether it should be, this show isn't called America's Model, you know?
And, uh, why do the girls need a signature pose? Isn't that boxing them in and jeopardizing their versatility? Is Tyra merely setting them up for arbitrary criticism to unleash when there's no real good reason to send whatever girl home they decide to in a given week?
So. Dumb. And I love that the girls weren't shy about conveying (or rather: too smart to hide) just how stupid Tyra's advisement was.
I will toss out a few kudos to Ty for drawing the Edward Scissorhands-Sam parallel. However, if she hadn't made it, I still would, so I feel that I owe very little debt to her for this:
Under her advisement, Joslyn turned out this:
Perhaps it is a visual explanation as to why she is so giggly. A few self-administered hits on the head tend to do that.
Although, I did love that we got to hear Joslyn describe her signature pose by saying, "I just like to pose...wide." When I was like really little, kids would call each other "gay wide" as an insult. I think they meant "gay wad," although you can understand the confusion because what the fuck is a gay wad? Are the sperm, like, doing runway on their dead-end journey? Anyway, everything made sense when Joslyn started doing her posing: she is, at least, the human realization of everything a gay wide should be.
And then there's this...
...which is the most horrifying thing I've seen on this show since Dominique's tooth gap. And, sorry, I don't think the winning picture was much better.
Like, I know they always call for ugly bodily asymmetry like this, but merely to crouch and contort aimlessly doesn't make you a model. If it did, we'd have no need for models; we'd just outsource to the feline community.
And seriously.
Seriously! She looks like one of those robot bugs in *batteries not included or one of those giant bugs in Starship Troopers. All I know is that she's fictional-buglike. Per this episode, this is your frontrunner, OK?
She's like a few chin inches (chinches?) away from being Madame.
2. And then there was the photo shoot!
"Absolutely fake. And people don't like fake and disingenuous," sayeth Jaywide. Yeah, well, then how about not asking them to participate in let's-take-a-break-from-our-home-scene-study-and-pretend-we're-famous set-ups? And isn't the continued existence of this show proof that people do, in fact, like fake and disingenuous? I for one LOVE it. Obviously!
Her mouth is a flytrap, she's not connecting with the camera, she's dodging as much of the light as she can without even trying, and yet this got rave reviews. This isn't model. This is Target cashier who just raided the earrings rack and is gonna get all pissy with me when I try to unload my pennies and don't show any sexual interest in her.
I love that Elina had to dig so deep in herself and really go to a place she wasn't comfortable with...
...all for nothing! Ha! That'll teach you to be Ukrainian!
(Also, doesn't she look exactly like Magenta?)
This is lovely. I've never seen someone shape-shift like Joslyn. Last week she was a monster, this week she's a Hollywood monster's object of desire. Also, she's so gorgeous with her hair pulled back (more props to Tyra for that call).
As far as winning goes, I don't think she has a piece of tofu's chance in the Deep South, but you know, maybe she'll stay around for a while now that she's improving? I guffaw in hope.
I actually really like this, too. She could use some scissorhanding on those eye slits, but whatever. She played the game as required.
McKey isn't my type but you'd have to have retinitis pigmentosa (or a hell of an ocular migraine aka blogger's blindness) to miss the brilliance of this. She looks like a religious statue. Work it out, icon.
And then, there's this:
Why is she lifting her leg like that if she's trying to pee? Does she have a backwards penis? Is she getting urination confused with Tyra's brand of mail delivery? This picture makes zero sense. I fucking hate this human-pipe-cleaner kick that the judges are on. It's like, if you can be all bendy and awkward, it doesn't even matter if you follow the stupid, contrived set-up that they'd otherwise yell at you for looking stupid and contrived in.
Although this is a seriously lovely close-up, stalactite-mouth and all.
3. But that doesn't mean my bitching about Majorie is over!
What is this queer little love affair that's blossoming between her and Annaleigh?
Look, this is how exponentially lame they are:
Annaleigh decided to commemorate this moment by wearing it on a t-shirt of her wearing a t-shirt of her wearing a t-shirt... You can't see it, but underneath, it says, "Marjaleigh."
Can we please tie them in a hunchback bow and mail them far, far away? Hey Tyra...
...is that mailbox of yours two-way?
4. And speaking of Tyra Mail...
...I love that she read it herself this week:
"Neither rain nor sleet
Nor my achy, achy feet
Will keep you from
Your Tyra Mail this week.
It's time you learned
Your signature style
So you'll be a fierce top model,
chiiiiiiiiile.
I'll show you my tricks
But let's be frank.
You'll be thanking Miss Tyra
When you're making big bank.
Love, Tyra."
Look at Joslyn's reaction to this spectacle:
When Joslyn's looking at you like you have three heads (or, I don't know, three ponytails or some Southern-fried tofu), you know that you are a complete and utter wreck.
But the best thing about this? Another Tyra Mail was needed to explain what was actually supposed to happen. If that doesn't illustrate the worthlessness of Tyra's theatrics, nothing does.
And here's what it said:
And if that doesn't illustrate Tyra's cannibalism, nothing does.
5. Also, this has nothing to do with anything but my mind, which wanders as much as Heidi Klum's eye: have you ever seen 3 Extremes? Specifically the Dumplings segment? Does that count as cannibalism? Does eating human fetus count as cannibalism? I mean, if life doesn't really begin at conception, then no right? I don't know, my sense of liberalism and my gag reflex are at odds. Someone help?
6. You know who I'm sick of?
That's right! Annaleigh. How'd you guess? The only tension this girl provides is that in her lips. I love that she bought a freaking peace sign when her lover Marjorie chose her to share the challenge prize.
Yeah, way to encrust your martyrdom in diamonds.
And then there was this bit of pathetic shit. When asked if she thought Annaleigh was going abroad, Lauren Brie replied...
Ha! I mean, Lauren Brie was so wrong, but at least she was bitchy in the process. In reality TV, that's what really counts.
God, did she take Marjorie's awkward pills or something?
Haha, you totally want them to. And then Danny Tanner can give you a tender-hearted speech on the problem with asking questions that you don't want answered.
Although, kinda-sorta props to Annaleigh for punctuating this conversation with...
...blowjobface. Perhaps she does belong here. And that's one to "Yo!" on.
7. All the girls were especially bitchy this week in their interviews, right? Elina talked shit about Sam, Sam talked shit about Sheena. And, in my favorite stroke of bitchiness, Sheena talked shit about Lauren Brie...
"Lauren Brie, her personality's like the color of her hair. She's translucent. She's bland." Actually, I think a translucent person would be fantastically interesting. You'd get to watch their blood flowing and organs pumping and shit.
Anyway, nice try on your bitch endeavor, Sheena!
I also loved this:
"I could do crying. No that's ugly. Lemme stop. I'm glad I don't have crying." I believe that every time Sheena opens her mouth, it's a new act of discovery for her. It must be soooo exciting to be Sheena.
7. Could someone please tell me what's more awesome...
...the Pebbles ponytail or the Rubik's Cube? Really, I can't figure it out.
8. Also?
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Tracie thinks it's a pro-life message. Yay, more dumplings I'll feel conflicted over eating. That's just great. Thanks a lot.
9. I think that it's a good time to take a minute and reflect on the fact that Tyra wore a "Little Black Ridinghood"/Emperor Palpatine costume and expected people to take her seriously.
Just take it in, that weird place she exists between hilarious and sad. Take it all in.
10. I'm running late, so this week's Jellybag is scant. I'll catch up next week on the stuff people have been gracious enough to send in.
Miciah H., and Sarah A., say that Tyra wasn't using the force when she decided to drape some cloth over her head; she was going for A View to a Kill-era Grace Jones.
However, if you remember back to Cycle 2, when the girls had to impersonate celebrities for a photo shoot, this is exactly how they dressed Xiomara. In fact, I bet that Tyra was playing dress-up in the old ANTM costume trunk (again) and she stumbled upon that old thing and decided to give it a whirl.
So the real inspiration was Tyra's sense of whimsy. Again.
And just one more because it's so dead-on: Becky S., compares McKey to Sandman's Desire (minus the sex appeal).
You know it's sad when you have less sex appeal than a drawing. But there she is.
11. We end near where so many of us started...
You know, it's moments like these that remind us how essential to this show Sheena is.
Of course, no one's more entertained than she is. After all, she's playing with Marjorie's nonexistent boobies? What's there not to be entertained by? Well, boobies apparently, but still!
However, if it's Boobie Time for these two, it's like high noon for Tyra.
Let it be known that she is never, ever to be outdone.
yay thanks!
i've been a-waiting :)
and i might even be first :P
Posted by: NM | October 13, 2008 at 02:01 PM
Yesssss I've been waiting for this all day! :D
Posted by: Liz | October 13, 2008 at 02:02 PM
im first, yay!!! seriously that NEVER happens
Posted by: herakh | October 13, 2008 at 02:03 PM
P.S. What the hell is wrong with Marjorie's legs in the photos from the "teach"?
Posted by: Liz | October 13, 2008 at 02:06 PM
Thank you Rich- Indeed you think you know Top Model, but you don't know how assholey Top Model is. Love the show still :p Guy D.
Posted by: | October 13, 2008 at 02:09 PM
Awesome as always.
Posted by: Raignn | October 13, 2008 at 02:12 PM
How can Lauren Brie go from being friggin revered to gone? Oh Tyra...
Posted by: Casey | October 13, 2008 at 02:13 PM
blah called it, poor LB I bet she'll make money...
now I have to pick a new fave, but they are all unappealing in their own special ways, poor little hamsters, maybe this will finally be the year TyTy finally crowns herself
"America's next top model is... me, I see myself in me, I have all the potential in the world, I have exactly what all of you need. Now I'm going to do mlaacg commercials on a bike and bake cupcakes at the same time!"
Posted by: Heather | October 13, 2008 at 02:13 PM
not gonna lie, seeing sam play with the rubik's cube made me like her even more. love your updates!
Posted by: nadia | October 13, 2008 at 02:13 PM
did anybody else notice how tyra's outfit at the "teach" was incredibly unflattering on her?
and that she said something like "I gave her strength - her neck" or something to that extent, about McKey (which is clearly not a name). Unabashed God Complex, much?
Posted by: strawberrylight | October 13, 2008 at 02:14 PM
That gif wall is equal parts hilarious and HORRIFYING.
Also, can I hope Elina's tattoo is a vegetarian thing and not an abortion thing? Pretty-party please?
And finally, for you: http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=2253584
Posted by: velocibadgergirl | October 13, 2008 at 02:14 PM
In the photo shoot "teach", I couldn't get over how much like a fat person Tyra looked in the torso - not so much the arms, but they could have dressed the boobies better. She just looked huge. No wonder the girls couldn't take her seriously.
Posted by: kdub | October 13, 2008 at 02:15 PM
How come Elina's tattoo is no longer in Russian? did CW translate it? Is the voice referring to a noise coming from her bellybutton?
Posted by: Krista | October 13, 2008 at 02:15 PM
Elina's tattoo relates to her belief in animal rights, obviously.
Posted by: Dorp | October 13, 2008 at 02:16 PM
Do the weekly challenges and photo shoots make any difference whatsoever? I get the sense that they've already picked the winner at the start of the cycle, and then they maintain the "you think you know Top Model but you don't know Top Model" factor by eliminating the best-performing ones at completely random times.
Also, is it pronounced Anna-lee or Anally? I can't believe her parents didn't think of the teasing potential when choosing Annaleigh as their daughter's name. Kind of like Pierce Bush: politician-to-be or porn star? Is there a difference?
Posted by: winterwheat | October 13, 2008 at 02:16 PM
I'm with you, Rich: kicking Lauren Brie off was such a huge mistake. That girl had innate talent - and even though she often looked like an alien in real life, it's a trait which can (surprisingly) be quite desirable for a supermodel. I feel like this same thing has happened before (e.g. with AJ, but she was kicked off even sooner) - so I guess I'm not THAT surprised. Just angry. Thanks for your post, though!!!
Posted by: Mardi | October 13, 2008 at 02:16 PM
AHHHHH...Now it's Monday.
Rich, I will blame my unemployment on you for making laugh out loud. Yes, I could wait until I got home, but why?
Posted by: Lea | October 13, 2008 at 02:18 PM
I literally laughed out loud at the Pebbles ponytail and Rubik's cube comment. Amazing.
Lauren Brie definitely shouldn't have been kicked off. Her picture wasn't good this week, and last week's was pretty blah, but still. She had three amazing pictures. But at least Sheena survives at least another week to keep the awesome factor up.
Posted by: Christina | October 13, 2008 at 02:19 PM
Tyra's thighs is huge!
Posted by: Gregorio | October 13, 2008 at 02:20 PM
The Tyra wall of gifs is amazing, and i'm sure the video would have turned out great too, thank you for guiding us in your wisdom once again
Posted by: John Taylor | October 13, 2008 at 02:21 PM
The fact that they had Marge in a muthafucking TURBAN, like she's Gloria Swanson with a serious case of itchy crabs, made this episode for me. Few people can rock a turban like it's on sale and the rent is due tonight, Rich. Truth. That group includes terrorists, Jamba the Genie, JLo and Marge. That's about it. So, winner!
I'm not too put-out by Lauren Brie's ousting - she'll find scads of work almost immediately (your call to "see you in Models in Action" was right on), plus her personality was boring. What was she bringing to the ANTM table besides the unquestionable ability to model? Conflicted sexuality/gender identity? Mommy issues? Escaping cultural mutilation? Nothing. Just stunning photos. That's it! Boooooo!! Boo, Lauren Brie! Get the fuck out of the ANTM house and take your misplaced sense of professionalism and innate photogenic comeliness with you. Fuck off!
Also: this show is so fucking lez, it's practically wearing a strap-on.
Posted by: Joe M | October 13, 2008 at 02:21 PM
I'm still trying to figure out how Tyra's signature pose is...her eyes. Some one please explain to me how one poses with one's eyes. I must know.
Posted by: beliefunwrought | October 13, 2008 at 02:23 PM
I actually really enjoyed this episode, but I may have been hormonal at the time. Yes, I'm sure I was. Au revoir, Lauren Brie. Your mannequin fall did you in. Stay strong; this one's for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xjJguOTD_g
Posted by: Miss Lisa | October 13, 2008 at 02:24 PM
Wow - I know I tend to have different points of view from the norm, but I can't remember a time where our opinions were so drastically different than they are now...
Analeigh - I'm calling it now - winner. Getting the winner's edit. Hell I did this whole shtick on another blog about it - I know she's not everyone's cup of tea, and that's cool - but the girl is making a major step up from nothingness, and by the end of the cycle she's going to own it.
Lauren Brie - um... ugh. Yes she took some incredible photos, but I absolutely agree with her elimination - she went from awesome to crap within 2 weeks. Seriously - her photo this week - one of the worst in ANTM history (especially that close up - belongs in an Ed Wood film) - Good riddance to translucent rubbish.
I still think this is one of the best cycles in ages - but what it more awesome. The ever present Michael Rosenthal (yo Mike, I'm still waiting for you to call!) - he even got to speak more AND be "theatric" describing L.B.'s falling in panel.
Seriously, how hard is it to portray falling? Oh yes, maybe actually FALLING might help. Is she SO dumb she couldn't even attempt the real thing? She will not be missed.
Yo!
Posted by: Steve Abramson | October 13, 2008 at 02:25 PM
i've been f5ing this page all morning, soooo worth it!
Posted by: gonzaldo | October 13, 2008 at 02:26 PM