Clark, barred

It's kinda sad when giving head to Nigel (or Jeremy Scott or, uh, Miss J?) can't even keep you in the competition. But I guess that's what happens when your blowjobface is a grimace.

28. Marjorie

Is it just nerves? Is it just nerves? Is it soooo fucking boring, this subplot that took up most of the episode? (The answers are: yes, yes and yezzzzzzzzzz....zzzzz....zzzz)

Although, for at least a flash of excitement, I would like to turn to Joslyn for the explanation of this attack of the tears: "Paulina just walks up to Marjorie. Marjorie just boo-hoos all of a sudden and I'm like, did she pinch you? What happened? Poor thing. So timid." You know, if Marjorie is timid, the fact that Joslyn doesn't speak so much as howl cannot be helping.

29. Joslyn

Girl, no matter how hard you cover your face, it ain't gonna change the fact that you looked like a monster in your picture this week.

Seriously:

Monster.

I mean, I couldn't even begin to tell you who rocked monster best between that and this...

...and this...

Thanks, ANTM, for reminding me that it's October!

30. Clark

Fret not, Clark. You may be leaving, but you'll always have in your heart that time that you stared, transfixed at your completely constructed and utterly negligible prize for a totally overrated photo...

I know that this has been going on all cycle, but Clark seemed especially taken by it. This might be the stupidest idea the show has had since Saliesha. Note to the girls: we at home get to see your pictures on a screen, too, and it ain't no prize. This is Tyra's way of telegraphing that putting these girls on TV her great reward to the world, right? Just when you thought Tyra coudn't get any further up her own ass, she turns her lung into a pillow and figures she'll rest for a bit.

Yeah, so, there's that Clark. And no one can ever take it away from you.

And now, it's time to crawl past Tyra's ribcage to rouse her for the...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"This is the definition of ugly-pretty. You're not going [a groan forceful enough to suggest bearing down in the nether region]...

...you're going, 'Ahhhh.'"

I'm sorry, is she talking about modeling or stool softener? If you've ever needed its help, I'm sure you'll agree that stool softener, not Elina's photo, is the actual, practical definition of ugly pretty.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"You know, I feel Clark is like a mediocre kind of good. Y'know, she gives a great picture, then she gives a bad picture, which makes it in the middle."

Thank you, Tyra, for not only inventing the phrase "mediocre kind of good," but also for clarifying that you just mean "mediocre" and then explaining how "mediocre" works. You just broke own my intellect to build it back up, like you do for so many models. I can't wait for the brain-walking challenge!

You know, actually, that's a great way to sum up the internal experience of watching this show: a brain-walking challenge. And my feet are getting tired, let me tell ya.

1. In fact, they're not just tired this week, they're practically bound. Marjorie's subplot was wacker than Annaleigh in Delia's. It was less exciting than a granola bar being stolen. It was Amélie sans art-direction.

If Marjorie is mousy, then she's most certainly a country mouse -- her anxiety is to such a high degree, it's of the woodland variety. Seriously, she's like a deer with opposable thumbs, a carrier of some sort of social palsy.

In the words of Corky St. Clair, I didn't know deer could do that!

All of that is to say that she is skittish. Taste the rainbow. It's made of gray hues because of how fucking boring it all is. While Paulina's explanation of it ("It's a socially acceptable way to be in Europe!") seemed most likely wrong and undoubtedly lame (more on that later), it at least got me thinking of how much Marjorie reminds me of an overly emo Euro '90s dance diva a la Lisa Stansfield or Tracey Thorn...

Lead single? "A Mild Form of Realism."

(That's her way of telling us that she's living with Asperger syndrome, right?)

So yeah, I guess appreciate the opportunity for this realization, just like I appreciate that Sam got the opportunity to sound like she'd just come back from wolf-hunting from a plane she built from Bud Light cans (gotta do somethin' with them when they're pilling up on the front lawn!)...

"I think Marjorie's kind of a little baby. You just gotta come out of your shell. You have no choice. Welcome to America. This is how it is, OK? We're not in France anymore."

Even though I kinda agree with the underlying sentiment, Jesus Christ, Sam. Palin much? Wouldn't a classy T-shirt have said more than you're allowed to?

Say it ain't so...Sam.

2. And also, watching Marjorie mug and just be...weird made my skin crawl even when she wasn't squirming...

Oh, and way to put the jumpy in "jumpsuit"...

...Twitchy Valens.

But you know, at least she did get the chance to look legitimately pretty.

Seriously, for the first time ever, I was like, OK, I can see how she could be mistaken for a model. It's amazing what acrylic hair, hours worth of eye makeup and a few pounds of lashes can do to turn a girl around!

3. And speaking of turning a girl around...

...it's about time that ANTM got its own Margot Kidder. I look forward to catching Paulina in bushes doing whatever her manic and wild-eyed heart pleases. This may or may not include praising fingers and deeming them "delicious, delightful."

Whatever you say, Lady Miss Queer!

4. And speaking of fingers...

...I wonder where Nigel's are.

5. I don't know, between that lame make-this-outfit-work-but-not-too-well-since-it's-going-to-be-ugly-no-matter-what challenge...

...and a photo shoot that made zero sense...

...(as if anyone could do blackout better than Paulina has been thus far!), this was the weakest episode of a cycle that was shaping up to have no shortage of ridiculousness. Where'd the crazy go, yo?

Yo?

Are you there, yo? It's me, yo.

6. The amazing thing about this?

It's hard to say which picture is a closer representation of Jay in his natural state, as both clearly rely on latex and pushing hair past the threshold of logic. You think you know what Jay Manuel looks like, but you have no idea.

7. It's time to play a game I like to call, Who Reminds More Me of My Imaginary Aunt? Is it McKey, who's a wonderfully unconscious mix of trash-and-flash...

...seeming incontinence...

...and purple pomp?

Or is it Joslyn, who has herself in stitches with her own lame jokes ("Marjorie has had a pretty tough week. But with Marjorie's nerves, she's probably had several tough weeks.")...

...and who thinks that tornadoes are "cool and different."

Seriously, I will not be surprised if, before she leaves, Joslyn gives us a dissertation on why potatoes are neat and/or what's new in needlepoint

But neither of them get the honor, you see, for it goes actually to Joslyn's sister, Carlisia.

The cordial-yet-accusatory way that she yelped, "What are you doin'?" encapsulates everything I think about extended family in a second's worth of time. And I'll tell you what, if my relatives were so ringtone-able, I'd talk to them a hell of a lot more frequently.

9. As for this week's Tyra-as-Hillary-Clinton mail-carrier shot?

Particularly awesome this week. It looks as though she has expelled the letters from her womb. Way to put a new spin on the old cliche that is "delivering mail," Ty Ty.

And look how impressionable McKey is...

You know she's bearing down for a Lillian Vernon package or at least a Fredrick's catalog. It ain't gonna happen, girl.

10. And meanwhile, Whitney is leaving no plus-size cliche unturned.

This week, she bakes! Next week, I hope we get to watch her touring an amusement park in a Jazzy!

11. And now, we've reached the portion of the recap where I dig into my jellybag and pull out some of things people have left me. Please don't get a hurt butt if I don't use your submission, btw. I remember drawing a picture for this weekly on-air Punky Brewster spot in which they'd air viewers' submissions and mine never made it on. So, I know disappointment, believe me. It happens. Sometimes I frankly just don't see the resemblance and other times, I don't understand the cultural reference. But I try!

Anyway, here's the stuff this week that I did click with...

Many people, including Via Gina, have pointed out Marjorie's resemblance to Bastian of The Neverending Story. But it wasn't till an email from a reader named Natalie that I really saw it:

Oh, and Leah T., sent in this one, which shows just how dead-on the comparison is: Bastian and Marjorie share a range of expressions...

I can't wait until she gets to ride around on the back of a flying dog! Take that, bullies!

Valerie B. says Marjorie has Claymation mouth...

...and I can't say I disagree.

A few people (including Elizabeth B. this week) have mentioned McKey's similarity to Laura Bennett of Project Runway 3...

I have to say that I respect McKey for being more merciful with the necklines.

And two separate people (readers Layla and Ryan D.) have pointed out McKey's resemblance to a Nagel girl...

And if two people say it, and provide multiple examples, it's gotta be true!

And finally, probably because she's leaving this week, many of the submissions had to do with Clark. She was compared to...

...Cory Feldman (via Maggie B.)...

...Bigfoot (via Danielle B.)...

...and a White Chick (via Uzuri W.).

But my favorite comparison of the week, the one that tickled my jellybag the hardest, came from Anna D., who compared Clark in her photo-shoot updo to another "close-minded bitch" (Anna's words that I proudly cosign)...

Come Nov. 4, let's all play like Tyra and NOT have Palin's photo in our hands, mmmkay?

11.5. And this isn't a true jellybag entry but someone whose email tag reads "lol rofl" sent me this video, which provides further evidence that punctuating sentences with "Yo!" is, indeed, Annaleigh's thing.

Forward to the last few seconds. Because of Annaleigh, I now know what Kate Bush meant when she sang, "I hated you, and loved you, too."

12. And so, we return to where we started...

"Y'know, I'm French. And it is different because I do think that the European mentality is not a positive one. Positive in American terms."

Christ, Isis leaves and Hannah goes "balls to the wall" to pick up the slack. Icfast leaves and Marjorie's upbringing suddenly becomes a major plot point. We're getting all kinds of Freudian up in here. And while this explains a lot, it's ultimately a cop-out to use your past as a reason to throw up your hands and stop any attempts at self-improvement. If where or how you grew up is getting in the way of the task at hand, you've got some unlearning to do. Anyone can play the blame game and...hey wait. The blame game sounds kinda fun! Let's do it! Let's look at these girls' pasts for all-encompassing explanations for why they are they way they are:

(My girl had a serious Jenny McCarthy thing going on this episode. Not complaining, just relaying.)

(You know the one!)

I guess the moral is: I don't mind the blame game as long as it results in vagina arms. And that is one to grow on.

Comments

[I'm just sayin'...]

HAHA! The deer hoof gun rack LMAO

[yay]

yay!

[christopher]

amazing, as per usual. youre the only reason i even watch this show anymore!

[bubble]

Am I seriously first? I'm a long time reader, first time commenter - love the recaps and I think this is the first time I've ever seen this space at the bottom blank ...

[Jess]

Hooray! Vagina arms make their return! :D

[franchesca]

woaaa! am i really the first comment?! well i'll be damned. another great recap as usual rich. i especially liked the comparison of mckey to the nagel girl. DEAD ON. if her top model career doesn't work out at least she can get work adorning cheap hair and nail salons across the country.

[Kaif]

I'm first! Yo!
So worth the wait. The recap, once again made my day.

[tanya]

I remember those Punky Brewster spots. Alas, my submission never made it on the air either. So that's where all my anger stems from . . .Good post, lame episode. The disappointment continues. I miss Isis!

[Cheryl]

So no more Clark...won't miss her, she did have awesome legs and I loved the darker hair but that was it!

I miss the challenges they used to have before judging; walking in those crazy high heels, ugly pink tube dresses and cutting t-shirts into 'awesome' club wear...they need to bring that back

[velocibadgergirl]

HA. "I'm from crotch" was my fave. Welcome back, vagina arms.

[Neddypants]

"Just when you thought Tyra coudn't get any further up her own ass, she turns her lung into a pillow and figures she'll rest for a bit."

Amazing

[Magali]

While I agree that it's not the end-all, be-all, the French mindset (I'm French and I think my culture is nuts) is very much focused on the negatives/things you must improve on. Taking a compliment with a "thank you" is impossible because if someone compliments you you almost feel like it's insincere. They compeltely lack the "every child is a special star" mentality that we have in the states and they harp on your faults until you correct them.

That being said she has spent enough time in the states that, like me, she's probably been hella Americanized. All I'm saying is don't play it down too much because it really is a much bigger cultural difference than most people who were born & raised here want to believe. That's why Paulina was sticking up for her.

ALL THIS ASIDE, it was still a pretty dumb thing to make an episode out of.

Stankonia-I love you, Rich.
I also kinda heart you for this too:
"Come Nov. 4, let's all play like Tyra and NOT have Palin's photo in our hands, mmmkay?"
Thank you for 'completing' my Monday ;)

[Gonzaldo]

Yay i love the blame game!

[Chris]

Strangely, I echo Christopher's sentiments. You've got at least two Chrises on your side, Rich!

[Zoe]

I was so glad that Clark left. Seriously. When she got first call last week I was going to shit myself. Thankfully, it was just another gimmicky thing that they did, and not some sign of greater things to come.

[L Fab]

This episode was blander than a salt shortage in a high school cafeteria.
At least we have you to bring in the oomph!

[EWiggs]

Can I just make one tiny complaint about this show? (I'm hesitant because I don't want the omnipotent Tyra to chase me down and kill me for talking trash.)

...if Jay was willing to treat Marjorie like a marionette and POSITION her into a fierce photo, why didn't he do it for Joslyn?! At least she has a nice personality! I love how she's always laughing and never seems bitter or jaded...yet. The whole thing just makes me feel like the producers identified Marjorie as their dramatic, nobody-thought-she'd-get-past-the-first-episode-but-she's-going-to-end-up-top-three cass of the season.

[Joe M]

I thought the photoshoot was cool in a retro way. I'm thrilled Clark is gone, the girl was NOT CUTE. And ever since Isis was booted, she wasn't even interesting in a "hateful Mean Girl" kinda way. Just super-skinny platypus. Marjorie is totally Amelie sans art direction! Christ, I love that movie. Remember when Amelie accidentally visits the mannish lez and gets propositioned and she just smiles and goes "No, thank you"? Totally Marge. That jump suit has yeast infection written all over it. I'm sure a wee tube of Monostat was sold along with it.

Side note on Sarah Palin: a very small part of me wishes she'd stick around after election day just so Tina Fey can fucking mock her nationally - "I believe marriage is a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers."

[Allison]

The vagina arms were so bad this week, I KNEW you'd have to mention them. Once again, you remind me why I watch ANTM, so I can read your recaps!

[EWiggs]

...uh..."cass" = "case."

[Melissa]

God, Majorie looks so much like Claire Danes it's all I see when I look at her now.

In Lauren Brie's picture she looks exactly like Charlize Theron. Not any other time, but there she does.

I agree that after the great episode last week, this week's pretty much sucked. That was one of the dumbest photo shoots they've ever done.

Hilarious recap as usual, always better than watching the actual show. Still, I will watch that show till the day it does off the air because it's my crack.

[DCN]

Clark's blackout photo clearly shows that she thinks that the prize for winning is the Heisman Trophy. Reggie Bush, yo.

[milkyaqua]

Clark is still as big of a twit as she was on the show. Read her exit interviews. I don't remember a contestant on ANTM that has been so proud of her small-mindedness. She had a nice figure and can probably do swimsuit/lingerie but other than that...meh. It's telling her best pic involved half of her face being hidden.

Marj needs to get a backgone. She can be a decent model. Sam is looking to become this cycle's bitch I see. Joslyn apparently got filmed with the original nose since it didn't look like her pic was photoshopped as per usual.

Overall, pretty boring epi but hopefully it improves. I see previews of Tyra making girls cry...goodtimes!

Thanks for the recap Rich.

[BlackRaspberry]

Did anyone else think it was cruel that they had Whitney baking brownies and then sitting there watching her skinny friends eat them?