Here to make friend

If Paris Hilton's My New BFF were a lesser show, I'd be able post the flash of brilliant stupidity above, say, "This is all you need to know about this show," and be done with it. But the fact is that BFF is brimming not just with brilliant stupidity, but brilliant brilliance. At last, we are treated to a reality show with a goal that's best handled by the medium of reality TV, and not hurt or made farcical by it. It's the rare televised means to an end that's actually efficient.

Before you balk at the notion of finding a friend in front of cameras (if you already haven't, which I erroneously did by dismissing this show from the outset, causing a week of catch-up watching), consider the way our culture has commodified the concept of friendship. We live in a time when "friend" often amounts to little more than a mouse click. What Paris does with these 18 potential besties (16 girls and two boys) is large-scale bonding by comparison. And let's keep in mind that the show's very title bespeaks an extremely '00s spin on the concept of friendship. She's not looking for a best friend as much as a BFF, and as she explained in the first 30 seconds of the premiere episode, that last "F" stands for a nominal version of "forever" ("I've had some great friends along the way. Some good ones and some I'd rather forget.")

It's all pithy and superficial, and yet everyone involved is so committed, playing it straight in the face of absurdity. It's Russ Meyer's directorial philosophy applied to a reality TV setting. Did you hear the moan I let out?

For ingenious concept alone, I endorse this show. For the consistently ridiculous way it all plays out, I'm now obsessed. What I'm trying to say is: Paris Hilton's My New BFF is my new FSF.

While it functions straightforwardly, I believe that this show exists primarily as a comment on reality TV. If the title of this post wasn't clear, here is the reality show where the contestants are here to make friends (or at least...friend). It may seem far-fetched that anything smart or self-aware could be associated with a) Paris Hilton and b) MTV's tendency to spotlight the most despicable specimens of America's twentysomething population. However, keep in mind that this show sprung from the enviable mind of Michael Hirschorn, the man responsible for giving VH1 its reality revamp as the head of that network from 2001 till earlier this year. It's safe to say that he knows a thing or two about the reality show format, and it's all confirmed as he turns the genre's conventions on its ear, one by one. I get the feeling that this show is his playground and the fun he's having is infectious.

BFF doesn't play by the rules we've come to expect, it creates its own in direct opposition to them. Among its rewrites are:

- There's no illusion about the fact that these contestants are being fucked with for sport

Instead of cloaking trickery in ridiculous challenges that barely apply to anything (Aswirl, anyone?), Paris stated within the first few minutes of the series that her potential besties are are living in a "doll house...and I control their every move." For once the shameless manipulator isn't playing the game; she runs it. And she runs it well: she has these people begging and fretting to win the weekly prize of being dubbed her "pet" (one girl early on whines, "I'm trying my best to be the best pet she could ever have!").

"Everyone's freaking out. This is going to be fun," she says as the girls nervously await a challenge based on the grade-school make-out game Seven Minutes in Heaven. She hides the contestants' luggage when they arrive in the house because, as she states, it's fun. When she gives one girl, the heavily reconstructed Corrie (pictured above), the responsibility of eliminating one of her fellow contestants, she says with a smirk, "I'm sure they're all hating her right now." She beams with power, even if she devised very little of this.

If we're living vicariously through Hisrchorn, he's living vicariously through Paris.

- The challenges are actually useful

They may be useful means to a useless end, but whatever. Future career hanger-on Natasha (who received the boot this week) stated on the first episode that winning the show's prize of BFFship would amount to "instant celebrityism," as though being famous is science...which, for someone as calculated as Paris Hilton, it is. And so there's a very distinct method to this madness: Paris takes her besties on a red carpet, on a last-minute trip to Japan, on roller coasters, to a fake game show set where they have to answer questions about her. Conceivably, they would have to exceed at all of these things as her real-life friend. And, shit, I want a friend who can look hot next to me on a roller coaster, too.

That challenge in particular, by the way, was particularly pointed in its commentary on the YouTube generation -- as they zoomed along, they mugged incessantly at the camera set up in front of them, as though not even high-velocity drops and loops could match the thrill of a camera in their faces.

A rare exception to the show's pragmatism surfaced on this week's episode, when Paris made her besties play that round of Seven Minutes in Heaven with a handsomely aging Simon Rex. One girl went further then the rest and made out with him. In the end, she learned a valuable lesson: it's OK, everyone's different. Likewise, when the group had to devise commercials to shill Paris' products, one was told to firm up by Paris' director guest judge.

That's her on the left. She learned a lesson on how to take criticism when you're in the public eye. Just a survival tip for our very public time!

That challenge, by the way, while seeming particularly pointless gave way to this bit of comedic genius:

It was a mostly silent commercial, in which every time Brittany hit the gong...

...Corrie would move into a different, equally (if not more) ridiculous pose...

Gong!

Gong!

Gong!

Gong!

Gong!

Gong!

In the end, this commercial received the highest praise and won the challenge for this pair. "That is what you should do to sell shoes!" enthused the director. Perhaps celebrityism isn't just science, it's a type of astronomy because I have no fucking planet he was on when he made that discovery.

- What higher ground? (Double standard rules)

All pragmatism aside, these contestants are forced to participate in some extreme activities that aren't even reasonable for Paris. One involved staying up for as many hours as possible. This was supposed to test whether they could hang with Paris' partying lifestyle. The problem? Not even Paris could hang with it -- she checked out and went home long before the sun came up. She doesn't even have to live up to the standard she's supposedly set. Why should she? It's her show.

- Backstabbing is encouraged

Instead of being a consequence of the game that's pooh-poohed by the judges and cherished by the producers, backstabbing is woven into the format of BFF. In the first episode, after one girl rats out another who expressed a desire to go home, she's awarded with the inaugural pet distinction. Even more to the point, each elimination is more dialogue than ceremony, as all of the girls who aren't on the chopping block are encouraged to relate their thoughts on the potential losers. This is part of the game's glossary: girls aren't up for elimination, but for "discussion."

- Concept trumps characters

Usually, what separates watchable reality TV from the unwatchable comes down to casting. Bad behavior equals good TV and shows that feature unique takes on acting out are those we trash fiends hold closest to our hearts. BFF's casting is full of cookie-cutter pretty and overall blandness ("You're definitely a way cool girl and I can't wait to just hang out," was one contestant's idea of a toast to Paris). Those who deviate from that norm in any pronounced way (the aforementioned Natasha, Suicide Girl Zui, the tranny-lite Onch) are eliminated, and yet, the show loses none of its appeal.

Since this is essentially a search for a submissive, I wonder if the big personalities have been let go (or weren't let on in the first place) so as not to overshadow the show's vapid-by-nature star. Paris would seem to lack charisma entirely -- for one thing, she talks as if she's protecting a horse tranquilizer with her throat. For another, here's her idea of getting emotional:

 

It all makes for hilariously flat narration, a bit we see over and over and over again that is never not funny. In that respect, Paris Hilton is like farting.

- It isn't the end-all be-all

 

At the end of every episode, Paris dismantles the fourth wall by announcing to the remaining girls, "It's time for me to get back to my life now." See this reality thing? It's cute, but? It's not everything. This show is a vanity project, an extension of Paris Hilton's ego yes, but no matter what, she'd be up her own ass. Luckily for us, her show isn't. It makes all the difference.

Comments

[gillian]

OMG, I love this show. just thought i;d let you know

[g]

i am going to have to start watching this show now...

will there be weekly updates from you dear Rich?

[gus]

so sad that there aren't gifs, this show is chock full o' em

[Eline]

Oh please, recap this (occasionally if you don't have the time to do it frequently)! It would rock my world =D

[Lauren]

YESSSSSSSSSSS.

I am addicted to this. Please recap. Please!!!

[DLCS]

I want the stripey rainbow socks.
And you and Winston on a roller coaster would be the epitome of HOT.

[Patrick]

Dammit, I hate it when someone I respect convinces me I'm wrong about things I've dismissed.....

I can't believe I'm going to have to watch Paris Hilton now....

[Joe M]

As much as Paris gets rightfully trashed in the media for being a no-talent rich girl famous for sucking a dick on camera (badly, I might add - all hands and teeth), I do admire her stamina in the spotlight. She's on minute 25 right about now, looong past Andy's "15" maximum. Every time you think she's gone for good, up she pops in some new venture that is inexplicably mesmerizing in it's shamelessness. It's kind of amazing, really.

Also: Paris would have trouble A-swirling because of her "heighth".

[steele]

Onch's roller coaster whining would have made a good ringtone.

[emily]

this show is incredible. and simon rex will never stop being hot. i can't believe none of them recognized him. i would have been all about 7 minutes with simon.

[Dominic]

Onch designed jewelry before going on the show that Paris Hilton, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss wore. I still love his character on the show, but it's obviously staged right?

[Donny B]

Aren't there two guys competing? How did they do the 7 Minutes in Heaven challenge? Or...omg...maybe dreams come true...Rex is bi?

[Holly]

I love this show. Love. Love. Love.
[Though I do think Zui's elimination was bullshit. And I miss Onchy-Conchy. :(]
Please recap. Please, please, please...

[Laurie]

I haven't been watching. Did Zui's baby get mentioned at all? Or did her spawn get smothered under an avalanche of tulle and sequins and there was no need to mention it?

Either way, something tells me that cokewhore is not a primary caregiver.

[Junhow]

I only watched the first episode, but was turned off by it. I found it to be unashamedly mean spirited. The producers may be self aware and farcical, but what's the point of such awareness if the product perpetuates rather than changes the situation.

[bagel]

This show is almost as smart as Rock of Love Charm School...almost....

http://bagelsblahblahblahg2.blogspot.com/

[somedude]

Onch should get his own show.

[KimmieB]

I'm so going to use ______ is like farting. It's always funny!

[Paul]

"not people"

"not a friend"

"oh I fucked Simon Rex before"

"It's time for me to get back to my life now." ("rude thing to say to friends")

[jeremy]

Right there with you--in the sea of dreck, I am drawn to this shining, blond beacon.

[John T.]

this show is amazing in so many different ways i can't even count them, i hope kayley stays around though, shes awesome

[Doug Wilson]

I hope that I'm not opening myself up to a world of hurt, but I was what you call the showrunner on BFF, and this was among the best if not the very best review I've ever read about one of my shows. Thanks for your insights, and kind words. - Doug Wilson

[Ashley Ryan]

You might also want to try some of the services listed over at Greg's HTPC blog at http://gregtvhomeentertainment.blogspot.com/. He has some really good products listed i''ve downloaded a few and have since gained about 2,500 movies and about 200 full seasons of tv shows. Have also canceled my tv cable service needless to say.. haha :)

[mitchell]

I nominate Onch as best reality show contestant of all time. he was the most unrealistic person on the show, therefor he was perfect for reality

[betrdanevr]

She is so shallow. It's pretty funny how anybody gets entertainment value out of this.