Mohammed, my friend

One night a few weeks ago, I hailed a cab to take me home to Brooklyn. All went well for a few minutes, with nary a peep from my driver, until he rear-ended the cab in front of us on Bowery and Houston. I wasn't too bothered, since I was kind of drunk and no major damage was done to me or the car (not that I cared about the car -- I'm just saying this tap was so insignificant, it wasn't even fender-bender level). He, however, was extremely bothered -- his blunder was the catalyst he needed to explode into a story about getting picked up by the police and being held at the hospital for five hours (do they really hold you at the hospital for five hours, or was "hospital" a euphemism for "jail?") earlier that evening. He claimed racism, but from my angle, the police were not only doing their job, they were doing god's work.

From what I could tell, Mohammed wasn't drunk (i.e. I didn't smell anything on his breath), but something was profoundly up. He said something that was a perfect mesh of weirdness and exasperation. I can't remember it now, because as I was grabbing my phone to note it, I realized that I should go one better and record this display of on-the-job-off-his-rocker-ness with my camera (for the primary purpose of gathering the audio). Mohammed ranted at me for 20 minutes, taking about twice as long to drop me off as he should have -- you'll see why via navigational mishaps in the video below. I enjoyed every second of Mr. Mo's wild ride, which I've edited down to five minutes:

(Note: Understand that I weighed the pros and cons of posting this and I've considered all angles of criticism. In the end, I feel OK putting it out there because I believe in consuming entertainment where you find it and, uh, I kinda risked my life for the footage. I earned it! Mo's story must be told!)

Comments

[Bobby]

OMG i love it! i love that you can actually see him taking you down a wrong way street lol

[gmb]

As an ER nurse in Queens for a city hospital, I can tell you that 5 hours is an in-and-out visit. We usually end up holding them for close to 12 hours because their chief complaints are WAY low on the priority list under heart attack, stroke, etc. Most of the NYPD patients come in because of three reasons: 1)They've been beat up by the cops, 2)They need methadone, 3)They LOVE methadone. Oh, there is also a fourth reason: 4) EDP: Emotionally Disturbed Person. This includes anything you could imagine. We actually had one of those last night who almost broke my nose before he was placed in 4 point restraints. My job is awesome. If Muhammed had no visible black eyes and wasn't sleeping from his methadone, I am guessing he fits into Box Numero 4. Oh. And I love Winston. And your blog.

[gmb]

Now that I've watched the video, I can tell you for 100% certain that Mr. Mo was brought in for being an EDP. Some EDP behavior I have seen: refusal to stop shitting in public, biting pedestrians, hanging your penis out of your pants on a street corner, masturbating at your neighbor's door . . . so these are the most extreme, obviously - but most NYPD EDP's come in because they cannot stop screaming incoherently/angrily. Someone calls the police. NYPD arrests them because they can't stop screaming. Then they wont stop acting like lunatics so NYPD brings them to the ER, in case there is actually something wrong in their brain (side note: once, someone actually had meningitis and that was why they were acting so weird). I'm positive Mr. Mo was part of that last group . . . minus the meningitis.

[Bleeder]

This actually makes me a little sad. I don't know I guess I'm just not jaded enough to understand how degrading an obviously disturbed individual is equated with entertainment. Long live NY!

[MP]

Hey, Rich! I'm one of those losers with too much time on my hands and enjoy upping your page views by checkng out your blog at least once every other day.

My query has nothing to do with your actual post but I would like your opinion on something. You're really good at defining what's trash and what isn't and what has some motifs of art despite being trash and so on.

In short, what do you think of the new show: Paris Hilton My Next BFF?

[Katie]

Um, I probably would have cut out the part where he says which street he lives on...

But it's entertaining too.

[kashmunny]

dude, i'm so ready for part 2 - the outtakes! and it's pot psychology at it's finest!

[julie]

Aw, he sounds like he has some legit complaints about the way things are and he's just ranting. I don't get the air of crazy from him at all and I don't think he's out of control -- just upset.

[Stacey]

Only problem is that if he drove you home, now he knows where you live... Just saying. =/

[mm]

phil- as ridiculous as it sounds, even the minivans are only allowed to carry 4 passengers. I've had many an argument with drivers about it till i finally noticed one day on their license (the one w/the picture and name), it shows how many passengers are allowed. I've also been in a cab that got pulled over so I believe that cops do look out for 5 heads in those things.

[matt]

That was hilarious Rich, LOL. How much did you tip him?

[omar]

I BLESS YOU RICH WITH THE NAME OF LADY BUNNY!

haha - Mohammed is SO Egyptian, with that faux-American accent I can still largely tell he's Egyptian! Arabo-dar! hahaha

[Fiona]

note to self: engage in more conversation with taxi drivers again. i used to do that as a rule and it was always very enlightening.

[gee_gee]

I kind of love this guy. I cannot believe Home Skillet was driving wrong way down a one way street and feeling really okay about it. This dude needs his own reality show.

[Evan]

*heart* for the Tori Amos reference.

Always has been one of my favorite songs.

[Spontaniouse]

I don't know which I liked better: the part when you explained that JFK was the only Roman Catholic president and he was like, "Yeah, yeah..." and then launched back into his rant about how Reagan, Carter, etc. were all Roman Catholics, or the part when you pointed out to him that he was going the wrong way down the street and then he offered to drive you the wrong way down OTHER one way streets. "I don't care..."

I'm just glad you survived, Rich! As a New Yorker, I've had some wild cab rides, but this one takes the cheesecake.

[Barbara Billingsley]

George W. Bush is Methodist, just to put that out there. Carter is Southern Baptist (and a jackass).

[Janelle]

Wow. I've had the shittiest day, and that seriously made me feel better. Thank you posting this, haha.

I wish there could be a part 2! maybe you'll end up in a cab with him again? Also, I love how the camera gets stuffed to the side when Mo turns around, hahaha.

"My name is Mohammed.....hellooooo?" that was wonderful.

[AssRaff]

Lovely. I have worked with people like this. Middle eastern types. They cannot stop BITCHING AND WHINING AND MOANING about everything.

Oh and Rich? "That's why you have to vote for Obama"? You are lost mon ami. Last time I dirty your doorstep. Sorry about that. OBAMA? OBAMA? Rich, I honestly thought you were bright enough (monstrously bright actually) not to fall for that absolute BS.

[Daniel]

Hahaa, I met your straight doppelganger last night. He even sounds like you!

[The Mayor]

"I bleess you Reech...(whispered) I bleess you"
I would have given anything to switch spots with you in that Taxi. Also, owns a home in Manhattan and drives a cab? That sounds dubious at best.

[omar]

AssRaff
"Middle eastern Types"
"THEY cannot stop moaning..."

Hmm, not stereotypical at all

And you're against Obama
i'm loving you to bits!

dickhead

[matt]

AssRaff you're even more of a moron if you're falling for McCain and "end of days" Palin. Sarah Palin dealing with Iran and Putin? That's the end of the world my friend.

[rebar]

WORD!

My end-all, be-all cab ride:
After fighting with my business partner, I met up with a friend for a drink and began ranting uncontrollably about it all to him. He stopped me mid-sentence and asked, "Honey, can I please give you something? Can I give you a xanax?" Having never been exposed to the wonders of this little pill, I asked what it was and then dutifully swallowed one.

Cut to happy hour in Chelsea. Then cut to me getting knee-walking wasted from a few happy hour drinks and the xanax. My friend put me in a cab with strict instructions to GO HOME. Instead, I redirected the cabbie to uptown to visit a girlfriend and her sister.

Cut to me waking up on my friend's couch at 5am with no recollection of how I got there and what may have transpired. I still felt the post-fight angst, as well as the post-blackout "what have I done to myself?!" self pity. I had $10 to my name and so walked out onto 49th and 10th avenue and hailed a cab. I told the dude I had $10 and to get me as close to my place in the East Village as he could, leaving a dollar for him for tip. Generously, he offered to take me the whole way.

As I sat and stewed in the back seat, he launched into the "why is a pretty girl like you so sad" mantra that cabbies seem to learn verbatim once they get their medallion. In no mood to talk, I brushed him off. He was not to be deterred. "Iss man, yes? I know, iss man." 'Maybe,' I shrugged. He proceeds to tell me that I can solve all my man problems by giving man the "loving feeling."

To wit: "You got to show the man you love him. You got to give him the loving feeling." [Completely taking eyes off road, turning around to address me face-to-face] You got to give him the BUTT! Are you giving him the butt? Are you? You must give the man the butt. Or he will not know you love him. GIVE HIM THE BUTT! THE BUTTTTT!"

[StickyKeys]

ZOMG I HAD HIM!!! I HAAAAAAD HIM!!

He told us a joke where he said "what do men and floors have in common?" "Women lay them, and then walk all over them!" Then he went on the taxes rant, and the American rant, and then asked if me and Juanita had babies and to God BLESS US!

And he kept talking about how beautiful Michelle Obama was! He was driving nuts and Juanita finally made me tell him to pull over before he killed us (though I was thoroughly entertained). I taped some footage, if I ever find it I'm so sending it to you!