Desheenafied

I'm sorry, but this judging made no sense. Sheena gets kicked off the week that she's at her most Nomi Malone-esque?

What kind of a farce is this?

 And speaking of Showgirls...

One word: Goddess.

(Well, it's either that or these three words: Xena: The Musical.)

Soooo, correct me if I'm wrong (I'm sure you will), but I didn't notice a single instance of crying this time. This is I think the first time this has ever happened. Last cycle, when I thought an episode went by without it, I was wrong. Chalk it up to Sheena's (box-y) moxie: instead of weeping upon packing up her belongings, she told us, "There's never gonna be another Sheena." I can't tell you how comforting her enduring confidence is. Plus, you know, she's right:

(This is what I mean by "box-y moxie," btw.)

Anyway, if she won't cry, I'll let Jodeci handle the heavy lifting. This one's for my peoples who lost their Sheena: 

That hoochie walked out the door. She don't exist here. High-laugh (even though I'm high-crying inside). :(

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

 

 

"I think Sam had the very first makeover on the spot that I've done that just did not work." I just want to point out that it takes a big person to admit that she's been perfect up to this point.

But really, what the fuck? It looks like Tyra went down to the docks, looked at what the hookers were wearing and embraced it.

Also, this isn't a Tyraism, but aren't you getting sick of all the Stylista guilt?

 

I thought she did it last week just because it was the premiere, but now I have a feeling she's going to do it every week until the end of this ANTM cycle. It's kind of sad watching her grovel so clearly. I much more enjoy it when it involves costumes and characters and contortions.

She's seriously a bowl of mac and cheese and a fly crawling around on a child's face away from Sally Struthers begging for our patronage. So I say no. I like to imagine her suffering.

That said:

 

Total hair upgrade y/y? It's got all of the maturity of a Lauren Hutton/Madonna thing, but with none of the character-defining tooth-gap. Easy, breezy, dentally sound.

Anyway.

1. First of all, I just wanna say:



Yo!

2. I can think of no issue more compelling than that which Sam succinctly dubbed as the "lesbian bath moment."

 

 

 

So tastefully shot! I felt like I was peeping into a naughty window of days gone by, when the mere suggestion of Sapphic interest was enough to make libidos stand on end and hormones ebb and flow like an ocean of vagina juice. In a perfect world, here's how it would have looked:

 

 

 

One key difference between these and the kind of porno cards you find in boxes on the side of the road of the Upper East Side: the vajayjay shaving. They didn't have that back in the day. It's a recent development, like oral sex and other things that make my balls shrink when I think about them in old-timey contexts, when my grandparents were more hormonal. And, you know, alive.

Also, I think the fact that McKey was, like, conscious of this in her bed is much more creepy than any participation up in this...

You know?



What the hell are you laughing at, Analeigh? It tickles?



Does it tickle in sepia? Why don't you just go chew on your finger with your lesbitwin already?



3. Oh Elina, how do you annoy me? Let me count the ways?

"The house actually reminds me of Ukraine a lot. Just to be here, it just brings back a lot of that same feeling."

And you know what THIS brings back? When the girls found out they were going to Europe and I just knew that Elina was going to go hog wild, fetishizing her immigration now that she's back on the home continent. Aren't Amsterdam and the Ukraine, like, as far apart socially, economically, aesthetically and linguistically as it gets in Europe? Isn't this tantamount to comparing apples to pomegranate? I'm starting to get the feeling that she's just saying this shit to piss everybody off because she can't possibly be so lame.

"I can't do anything without hearing the word 'control.'"



This is a story about control. Elina's control. It goes blahblahblahI'mcoldblahblahblahI'mEuropeanblahblahblahwearveganfootwearblabblahblahblah.

And then there was her fight with Sam.



Look, when it comes to sex work, I'd be much more inclined to go along with Elina's pro stance than Sam's con stance. However, Elina's smug enough to convert me into pro-genital mutilation on principle. I mean, unless you're referring to an anti-hate/discriminatory point of view, "I don't know, I have a problem with people thinking it's a problem," is just a succinct way to sum up your own hypocritical cluelessness.

And I know she's young and she'll most likely get it figured out one day, since she's at least bright enough to know that she's supposed to care about shit. I can't imagine how harrowing it would be to watch myself in a high-pressure situation at 18 or 19. So, here's hoping she gets her shit together. Drink your drink, Elina! Cheers!



Oh shit, I feel an endorsement coming on. She is, after all, still the hottest no mater how rancid her output.

Oh and this?



I was glad to see that her hands weren't, you know, turning blue. But it did inspire another take on her general monstrosity.





Oh, shut up Analeigh. You wish you were awesome enough to get monster hands. All you have is a Klan hood that makes you look totally frumpy.



4. These girls did little to advance whore advocacy, anyway. First of all, I think a properly working backbone is just an item below a functioning vagina on the list of things necessary order to whore properly.



Second of all:

 

Without a blowjob face, I don't see how you could possibly be dolliest.

Third of all, whatever weirdo designed Elina's dress talked about how it could transform so that it could become mopedwear or some shit.

 

Bitch, stop lying. You made that shit to look like labia. Love that it makes Elina's head the clit, though. That's perfect: she's not quite loud and rawr rawr rawr enough to be a dickhead, but she's definitely obnoxious enough to be like a dickhead. She's dickhead-lite. She's a clithead.

Also?

Looks like someone got silly with mom's makeup bag again!



Oh Analeigh, stop looking so smug and take the Kool-Aid mustache that's crashing through walls and saying, "Oh yeah!" to complete your look.



5. Paulina's totally got her nose up his ass, right?



Your thoughts, Analeigh?



Indeed. I would tend to agree that J's is a bad ass. It just has to be, right?

Also, a long time ago, someone sent me a story about seeing Mr. J's low-hanging ashy balls. Thank god everyone was spared. I wonder if it was cold in that room or something?

6. And speaking of Paulina, here's this:



Do with it what you will. I personally don't think it's funny when people mock Benny from Total Recall. When I compared Marjorie to him last week, I meant it as a compliment.

7. You know who we haven't heard from in a while?



Analeigh!

This was so overrated. Body-wise, it's fine, but facially...



Ugh, I just don't get how this little button cutesy unchkin of a girl is trying to be passed off as anything remotely high-fashion. Especially in this shot! Analeigh's obviously a pretty girl, but too often, her face just looks fucking weird in shots. Like the one above. She looks like a slightly less horse-faced Leona Lewis. She's pony-faced.

But you know, none of the shots were too impressive with the exception of McKey's who's my default favorite I guess at this point, which I certainly never expected to happen.

 

Sexy is the last thing I would have expected from this crab-walking weirdo, but with Sheena gone and as long as Elina's flapping her gums, McKey is pretty much the cycle's one-stop sexy shop. Sad but true.

And I didn't even like Sheena's very much. It looks like she's got a secret she's dying to tell...



...and it has something to do with laxatives.

Analeigh? What's your opinion on laxatives?



They're no laughing matter. She has no sense of humor for anything whose results are handled anally. Or analeigh, for that matter.

8. And speaking of all that is pretty, let's do something we haven't in WEEKS and throw a pretty party. Guess who the star is?



No, it's not the weird Dutch designer whose piercings looked entirely too much like acne.

It's, it's...



Marjorie! But you could have guessed that, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Analeigh?



Through thick and thin, through mugging and makeup, so stands Marjalez.

9. Jellybag!

Julie R., compares Sheena to Whistler's Mother.

It's gotta be the laxative thing, although Whistler's Mother strikes me more as the fiber type.

Veronique L., like so many before her has compared Analeigh to Michelle Trachtenberg.

The difference? Veronique prepared the side-to-side herself. She wins.

Peter G., sent in this one:

Indeed. "Bugs" is exactly what I think of when I think of Analeigh.

Hannah (whom, I think it's safe to say, is not from Alaska) has devised this equation:

 

I've heard the McKey-Macaulay comparison before, but I've never in my life heard of Macaulay Vulcan! Sometimes you just need a good pun, you know?

Johari J., says last week's Total Recall reference could have extended to another character:

Love it. As a bonus, Johari included this gif:

Perfect. Tyra's neck is about as thick as Ahnold's and everything.

And finally, the most dead-on Jellybag submission I looked at this week (I'm still catching up, btw), comes from William N., who strikes a comparison that seems blindingly obvious in retrospect.

He makes this look easy. I'm kind of shamed.

10. At last, the recap is over. Go in peace.



That's how you say buh-bye in English Dutch. But Elina already knew that.

Go 'head, Analeigh. Go crazy like you've been dying to all recap.

Comments

[niggers]

MCKEY WINS
BLACK PEOPLE LOL

[niggers]

LOL FIRST AND SECOND COMMENTS

[steele]

Ah, yes. The week can begin.
That Marjorie gif will haunt my dreams, for serious.

[Mimi]

I was bored this week Rich! I didn't even smile once! ugh!!!

[Amanda]

YAY!!!!!

ANOTHER GREAT RECAP!

though i think McKey looks like Danny Zucko in Grease

[LisaL]

McKey has always reminded me of an actress named Monika Schnarre. I only know of her b/c of the movie Waxwork 2 lol.
But the first time I saw Mckey, that's the first person I thought she resembled.

[dodger]

amazing recap as usual, why Sheena... why!!!!

BOOBS!

[dodger]

oh and wow, Majorie is really fricken scary lookin.

[Kingky]

Amazing recap as always. I was sure Sheena was going to win this cycle, what with the need to one-up the plus-size winner of last cycle. I will miss Sheena's racial confusion and general rambunctiousness deeply.

McKey does, indeed, look just like Courtney Cox. Astounding.

Love it. Hilarious. I, too, was completely underwhelmed by Analeigh's picture this week. And I thought McKey's was the best, which shocked me almost as much as seeing Sheena go home instead of Elina. Can't wait for next week's episode. I hear one of the girls goes off on one of the judges sometime soon. It's gonna be fieeeeerce!

[DLCS]

Ah, such a wonderful thing to come home to after voting. GoBama!!

Still can't get over Tyrag's hair. It looks so... not Tyrag. Did someone knock her out with horse tranqs and style her properly?

Sam is not a doll. Sam is Catie v2.0. Part of me wants to see her dangling over a chasm with Clockwork Orange makeup and a pit of angry crocodiles lying in wait for the inevitable rope snap.

I kept waiting for Makoto Nagano to pop up on the boat and start doing handstand pushups on the mast. NO one on this show is as fierce as Nagano.
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/nagano.html

Yo ho ho.

[meg]

that majorie gif in the pretty party nearly made me pee my pants. she's like the joker in the dark knight.

i'll miss sheena...

go mckey?

[Dennis N.]

I was perturbed that they not only gave Sheena zilch to work with on her portion of the boat, but they also slapped some weird Geisha-face on her. I'm glad she didn't go any further, though, while her personality was still untouched by the Zoloft that is CoverGirl.

[Dennis N.]

Oh, and PS: Tyra's new hair: poodle-do. Not a fan.

[Joe]

I love you, Rich J. Always worth the wait.

McKey's lower lip constantly looks like it's trying to make a run for the hills, like it's had enough of being on her face already and just wants to make a break for it. I don't see "Spokesperson" in her future.

Sheena - not sad about her departure. Lovely personality. Gorgeous tits.

Elina is just the worst kind of liberal and I say that as a FAH-laming liberal myself. Just humorless and abso-fucking-lutely certain that she has the moral high ground on just about every issue. She's that girl in college that interrupts every conversation about any controversial topic she's in ear-shot of just to put the matter to rest once and for all, while outright refusing to see another point of view. I mean - from what I've learned about prostitution from HBO sex documentaries and "A&E's Intervention" is that it's rarely because a woman wants to empower herself sexually and more often than not a quick way to feed an ugly addiction and/or because she's forced into it by an abusive boyfriend/husband/pimp. Can you not see that, you dour-faced half-lez? She keeps whining about how everyone always complains about her "control issues", but really darling, it's just a nice way of saying lighten the fuck up. Unclench that vice-like anus and let a little sunshine in. Smile in a way that doesn't make you look dead in the eyes, like you are are some numb, Ukrainian prostitute luring her 15th joyless blowjob of the afternoon, if only to temporarily quiet the meth demons. Does *nothing* give you joy? Anything? I just feel like 5 minutes with this asshole would be exhausting.

I love Sam. She reminds my of my 6 yr old niece who has the same blond hair and mouth and raspy smoker's voice (without the smoking). The other day I heard her bellowing the open of Rianna's "Disturbia" - Bum Bum BE-dum Bum Bum! and how could you not love her for that? I think Sam is just getting the good vibes I have for my niece. Which she's welcome to.

GO "O"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[little_lj]

Oh man, lesbians and Total Recall references..

Is it wrong that I essentially live my life as a series of periods of waiting patientally between fourfour recaps of ANTM??

But HOW can it be wrong when it feels so right?!

[little_lj]

Or patiently. But you knew that...

[Joe]

"McKey has always reminded me of an actress named Monika Schnarre. I only know of her b/c of the movie Waxwork 2 lol.
But the first time I saw Mckey, that's the first person I thought she resembled."

OMG, Lisa - I JUST saw this movie on Fearnet (which, BTW, is the best thing in the world). Waxwork is probs one of the most under-rated 80's horror films of all time. Zach Galligan - how cute is he? Waxwork 2 has flaws, but still rocks. She totally looks like the actress in the sequel, tho she's a pale imitation of Deborah Foreman, who rocks in so many ways I can't even count.

[bah]

My boss's daughter goes to college with McKey (they're on the tennis team together) and McKey is in school right now and has been all semester. So, if she wins, she must be shooting Cover Girl commercials in rural Wisconsin.

[Gregorio]

I'm SO glad you made a subtle reference to the fact that Samantha essentially IS Catie. And they were both so desperate and snot-nosed, I wouldn't be surprised if Catie changed her name, gained a few pounds, and re-auditioned for the show. Unfortunately, this time she makes it over seas, leaving her with much more opportunity to annoy the fuck out of me.

[ven leones]

McKey has always reminded me of those women that are on take-home boxes of hair dye. And not even the good stuff. The cheap, $5 stuff.
I thought I'd like her, but so far I kind of hate her.

I was team Sheena, but now I guess I'm back to Marjorie. Woooo.

[emaco]

You're so witty. I heart you.

[Mia_Me]

Analeigh scares me as much as Marjorie does. That muppet mouth is disturbing, and her doughy cheeks and huge eyes. She's like a description of a cute kid, but it doesn't add up right. Rich, that Kool-Aid mustache was dead on.

[milkyaqua]

All the girls have to go back to what they were doing prior to being on the show. So them being at school isn't unusual.

I didn't think Sheena would go either only because of Tyra's need for her coat of many colors theme. Although I guess this is what the producer meant when they said "We don't know Top Model." I'd have gotten rid of Sam but of course she'd won two challenges so she wasn't going anywhere.

Elina is a pill and hopefully will grow out of her reactionary ways and learn to actually lists the points of her diatribes. Although, unlike Sam, she at least has two brain cells to rub together.

Marjorie is not winning this. Go-sees and/or the next CG commercial are going to be the death of her. I'd have no problem with McKey winning although with that crappy makeover hair and her lip thing, I can't see CG being crazy about her. Analeigh would be the best show since this show is not about finding a high-fashion model (please!). They just want someone who can shill CG. Analeigh can do that. She's not bad looking, she seems sweet and she speak clearly. After the suck that was Saleisha and Whitney, she'd be a vast improvement.