Evangelism

As the week winds down, I just want to briefly mention the best thing I saw in the past seven days: this week's episode of Paris Hilton's My New BFF. I know, I wrote about it just a few weeks ago, but I also know that no one cares. It has a minuscule following at TWoP, and no one at ohnotheydidnt (the Internet's arbiter of cool, y/y?) seems to have time for it. And it kills me because it's so. good. Tracie called it "ANTM-good," and I'm inclined to agree. If you click on that link, you can watch the highlight of the series so far: the argument that plastic-surgery head Corrie makes to persuade Paris to keep her on the show (she's up for elimination discussion). It goes:

"I mean, Paris, I plead to you, that you more know so much than anybody else what it's like to have people see something of value and worth and hate you because you're beautiful and you didn't ask for it. I did not ask for this! It was given to me. I used to come home and cry in high school and say, 'Mom, I don't want to be pretty anymore.' And she'd be like, 'You stop it.' Heavy is the head the wears the crown. And, like, you were born into it. I was born the way I am, like...People call me 'Bikini Corrie' back home, because I have earned it! And it's not being cocky, I earned it."

Honestly, my favorite part in all of that is, "You stop it."

But that wasn't all that was amazing on this week's episode. It was full-throttle inanity and it was glorious. I assembled a reel of the best lines below. Since it's Viacom property, I'm sure it'll be pulled before you can even click on it, so if you're truly curious, here's a direct download link.

And since this shit reads so well, I'm transcribing the best of the best below:

"Like, when I grow up, I just wanna shake my ass on MTV."

"I love boys!"

"Are you getting a lay?"

"I have morals and values because I'm Clark Gable's granddaughter and he's the king of Hollywood."

"Hey guys, what are in the hell are you doing?"

"Now since all of you are sitting in the pool, I would ask the guys to get up, but their packages will be a little shriveled. So I'm gonna judge you in other ways."

"Please raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, Shelly, promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Paris."

"It doesn't seem that you have much to explain, does it? Does that mean you're a good person, or a boring person?"

"Corrie was laughing the whole time, and I was like, why is she laughing? This is, like, serious. I'd be, like, crying."

"She sleeps with club owners. She runs around telling people she's Italian, and she's adopted."

Reflective exit interview: "I got to be a pet. I got to play with monkeys. I got to do a lot of fun stuff!"

Again: not that you care, but I'd be doing a disservice if I didn't share my love for this awesomeness. Really, this was all I could do to hold myself back from a full-scale recap.

Comments

[sairentohiru]

As much as I love a good trainwreck, I think watching this show would be like licking a buzzsaw.

But you DID introduce me to "The Paper" (not, um, that they are anything alike) so I may have to try this.

And afterwards, I may have to trepan myself.

Whenever Lauren talks I can't help but think of Alicia Silverstone's Cher from "Clueless".
Jules
House of Jules

[Katie]

I hate to admit it, but I'm 100% with you, Rich. This show is hilarious. Paris is the puppetmaster-- and of all things, I'm growing to think she's genuinely funny.

And Corrie's monologue at the end should be anthologized. It was just brilliant.

[steph]

Rich, please start doing PHMNBFF (lol great acronym) recaps. ANTM will be over soon and *then* where am I going to get my reality tv snark?

[Dennis N.]

Next time, don't hold back. Unless you need to sleep, and then by all means hold back. I can't pinpoint exactly what gives this show it's uniquely atrocious brand of brilliance: sheer luck with the casting, or Paris and the production crew's delicious puppeteering. Either way, I's all 'bouts it. Corrie's speech was so earnest, as were the other girls' stank-o-meters while they were listening.

[Dennis N.]

PS- Vanessa is perfect for Paris in every way. FTW.

[Agnes]

No, Rich, DON'T HOLD BACK!!!!!!!!! Give us the full recap your heart yearns for!

[met]

This show is a complete guilty pleasure for me. I started watching it after seeing a clip from the first episode on The Soup where the girl got all excited that they were flying to London (because they were at the Virgin Atlantic Gate,) and it turned out they were being sent home.
I at least feel a bit less ridiculous because I watch it online instead of actually planning an evening around when it's on.

[sara]

I am so glad to see that other people share my love for this show. It is truly amazing on so many levels.

The moment that truly crystallized for me how spectacular it is was, while in Japan one girl left the restaurant in distress after seeing a live shrimp placed on the grill and Paris follows her outside to console her. Her moving words? "It's great that you have emotions" hahaha!!!! Then she tells her that they put live chickens on the grill too! LOVE IT!

[saraj]

i absolutely agree w/ you, too! PLEASE indulge in full recaps - this show is unbelievable. i was, however, disheartened to see corie's playboy pics on gossip sites yesterday, but i guess anyone watching this type of reality show should be prepared for at least some staging.

love your site :)

[Liz]

Ooo thanks for the ontd shout out!!!

Also, Rich, you HAVE to watch Blush on Lifetime. One character is wearing a black net/mesh shirt in one scene, then in another wearing a plaid jacket with a masquerade mask like its no big thing in another. I cannot...I'm only 20 minutes into the first episode and I am dumbstruck.

http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/shows/blush

[Wiglet]

Rich!!! Ever since you posted about this show I've become addicted! I'm only sad that I haven't been able to see the first few episodes.

If you did a recap...I....I....I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably have to change my undies.

[pete]

rich, i'm totally with you on this, and would love to see this show recapped by you regularly. "She sleeps with club owners, she runs around telling everyone she's italian, and she's adopted." king of un-dead hollywood? i knew kayley would ultimately be too much of a wild girl for paris to pick her, but i'm still very sad she's gone. i know it's not "cool" to wanna give paris any attention these days, but i'm completely sold on this show. MORE!

[Kaitie]

I fucking love this show and it warms my heart that you think it's as wonderful as I do. FULL SCALE RECAPS, PLEASE.

[jenna]

ohh you should recap the last few episodes! this show is amazing -- it's the only reality show where the challenges kinda make sense, albeit in a very twisted way.

[Miss Lisa]

I'd rename this show "The Horror that is White People" but I guess that's racist.

[ihaveneverinmylifeyelledatagirllikethis]

I love this show, shamelessly. Bikini Corrie is the anti-Lorber, in a "Are you a Jackie or a Marilyn?" kind of way. I think she summed herself up well when she gave her toast to Paris in one of the early episodes and used all sorts of new agey mixed metaphors, but with perfect seriousness.

[Joe M]

She sleeps with club owners.
She runs around telling people she's Italian
and she's adopted.

This reads like some sort of brilliant poetry, almost haiku-like if she could pare down the syllables. It has a sort of quiet elegance about it and I purposefully skipped over that part of the video because I didn't want to see this genius prose mangled. My friend, Johnny, has been banging the drum for Paris' BFF for awhile now, especially Corrie's YouTube of "I EARNED IT!" which I totally empathize with. Only I'm called Windbreaker Joe, but listen - I put in the same amount of work. Paris herself is like all the non-sex scenes in a porno - I just want to fast-forward past her to the good parts.

[sleepingchild]

I totally agree - this show is so made of win it's unbelievable.

[Ian]

That furious whirring sound you can hear is Clark Gable in his grave.

[Drew Miller]

bff is the new antm.

[DLCS]

"I have morals and values because I'm Clark Gable's granddaughter and he's the king of Hollywood."

Gable HATED that tag. I would take that twit so much more seriously if she had said "I have morals and values because I'm Clark Gable's granddaughter and he inspired the creation of Bugs Bunny."

Dammit. Orange juice doesn't come off monitors easily.

[DLCS]

Eeep. Almost pulled a Jade. It was one of Gable's costars who inspired the creation of Bugs.

[John]

so happy you love this show, from the preview episodes i knew this would be gold, but this episode was amazing in so many ways, thank you for the video

[Matt]

I've been hooked on this show since it started, so I've looked both your write-ups about it.